Tokyo Damage Report

2008 jan engrish

Welcome to 2008’s first Engrish lesson:

That’s right. An indian restaraunt named Tonto. In Nakano.



Below, battling mascots: Softbank’s Cameron Diaz vs. AU’s Risumo.

Below, the Sutter/Stockton St. Garage in San Francisco.

Below, at last, Japanese technology finally beats the other countries to the ultimate energy drink:

DeNiro-Flavored cola!



"fiber optic cable inserted into your intestines via your nose with a camera on it" poster in a medical magaine? Not weird.

Same poster in the most crowded train station in the world, next to an ad for a Nicholas Cage movie: a little weird.

Model’s cryptically amused Mona Lisa expression: extremely weird.



Below, another reason the West is years behind:

We don’t have Gigolo cupons yet.


Don Q is one of the best stores in Japan, a sort of k-mart-style chain store where you can buy everything under the sun, from a Paris Hilton porno DVD to a wok shaped like a panda head, to a nun costume to a plastic-molded armoire. They also sell these:




Winter in Tokyo, Shinjuku Gyoen:

below, booty sale. . .


. . . . at Popeye’s, the gay porno store.


below, nose-torture porno by the name of. . .


(gaman meaning endurance. I have no idea if the "jesus" part refers literally to the s/m aspects of The Passion , or is a more general allusion to the godlike endurance of the actresses. Either way you know Mel Gibson has this in his closet next to the Protocols of Elders of Zion, some handi-wipes, and a bottle of Jim Beam. )


below, japanese tv. but what’s this?

let’s look a little closer:



below, the electrical company sent a worker to my door to collect my bill. the worker used this machine to tabulate my bill:

now ain’t that some book of revelation, mark of the beast shit???

motherfuckin’ reciept had a bar-code on it, too.

below, Hello Kitty-shaped strawberry.

below, just a nother day at the Schultzzz household. fresh pancakes hot off the griddle.

but what’s this? you say. there seems to be something slightly abnormal about this picture. you say.

and you’re right.

let’s magnify a portion of the photo:

totally accidentally, the fuckin’ bear from my sweater was riding the pancake like a ball.

you go, bear.

hey kid, hey kid, you want to see something really gangster?

That’s gangster.

speaking of beards, mine is now long enough to handle simple office tasks.

that’s right, jerkface: it’s prehensile now.

Watch your back.


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