Tokyo Damage Report

Tokyo decadance: robot version!



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Tokyo decadence is a sort of roving Euro-immigrant fetish dance party. Every month there is a different theme: this time the theme is ROBOTS. The venue was a bar in Shibuya called FESTOONED WITH CRAP. Decoration was awesome, bordering on sublime , but it was totally not a good place for a dance. Either you are getting nudged by some fat cameraman trying to take a picture of titties, or there is some square day-trader standing still next to you all like, “don’t spill my drink.” Even the hardcore nightclub people aren’t really dancing ? mostly half-assing it while checking each other out. Contrast this with the a-la-mode night ,where chicks were hella dancing at the very unhip hour of 6 PM, sober.


Plus half the morons in the audience assumed that only people on stage were allowed to dance. The stage being big enough for maybe 4 people!


So they’d cluster at the edge of the stage and just watch like duuuuh. And all the rest of the people trying to dance, it was like WE were interrupting THEM instead of vice versa. Also, and most crucially ? the floor! Jesus, what a floor! It was made out of some spongy, sticky polymer that held your feet down like quicksand. Even simple foot-shuffling was a chore, let alone the chorus high-kicks that I favor. It may sound like a petty complaint, but for reals it was like trying to walk on Velcro! Like it was a fuckin’ dance floor for 80 year old people who needed help to keep from falling over, so they got this gluey floor to keep their shoes attached firmly to the ground.


Also, the coat check was some lady sitting in the stairwell with a bunch of glad bags and numbered clothespins. Rad!



my biggest impression is – very few people are smiling here. This despite the hedonistic debauchery angle, It is weird! Are they too cool to smile? Or did their dealer give them bad drugs? Or . . . .are they ALL ROBOTS??????


Second impression : There has always been a lot of eurotrash at this event, but this time they brought lots of roppongi type dudes. Plus there was a lot of underwear-clad gaisen with fake titties. You always read douchebags on the internet talking about getting with hot Japanese girls at clubs, but this was my first time to actually see it. “Deeyamn, it is not all imaginary!” it was like seeing real-life santa claus, but santa had herpes. Which brings me to my point: to me, one of the most frustrating / intimidating things about nightclubs is, when I see people all sexy dancing or even talking, and I GOT NO IDEA if they came to the club together, have known each other for years, or just locked eyes across the room and decided to go for it, or if it is a total scary harassment-type situation! This is true of gay, straight, square, AND fetish clubs.


At alamode, the foreigners totally avoided each other, it was like the most i-want-to-be-the-only-foriegner-here scene out of all the i-want-to-be-the-only-foreigner scenes I ever saw. Here, by contrast, it’s more like, “hey welcome to the gaijin party!” it’s good to see whiteys getting along without being too self-conscious, but damn! Have some dignity. Y’all making us look bad!



Despite the bad points, the thing that makes this party worthwhile, the awesome thing about this party is, every time you turn around, there is another freak standing next to you. as if from nowhere, they just effortlessly appear, and you are like, “deeeyamn. How could I have missed that??” it takes you back to that childhood time when you thought there could be limitless amounts of things.


A corollary ? as always, The INTENTONAL freakiness is not so interesting is not nearly as awesome is their UNINTENTIONAL freakiness. For instance .. .


The chubby euro guy in the super tight t-shirt that keeps riding up on his gut, and he is totally comfortable with that. Also he has the funk-metal-bass-player haircut (aka the lazy Mohawk aka fauxhawk, aka the dungeon master). Dude was totally going for it!


Some other white dude, in a maid outfit, wearing skateboarder shoes. Skater shoes are the perfect thing to wear to keep it from being too anime-nerd. Like any minute he/she’s going to load up a tray and ollie up to your table with a frontside-grind-to-strawberry-cake.


Some really massive fag-hag with shaggy hair who rushed the go-go stage to dance. I will be you like 100 bucks she was Australian. I don’t know what it is ? the ex-con DNA, the jellyfish poison in the water supply, or what ? but Australians are to Americans what Americans are to Japanese – totally incapable of being embarrassed.


Some Japanese 60-year-old in a schoolgirl outfit. Homey wouldn’t dance. I was like, you got the balls to dress like your granddaughter, but you are scared to dance? WTF? But then I figured he was impersonating a really shy junior-high student and ? although he was a rad dancer ? he had to stay in character. It was a sacrifice he made for his art.


Some Australian middle-aged guy tabledancing, wearing Generic Gay Black Shirtless Tee, who wanted to be the center of attention at all times. I kind of liked him because he seemed always on the verge of passing out, falling off the table, crushing dudes, but he never actually did. It lent an air of suspense. Homey was in the line for the bathroom yelling about “I’m not American! I’m not American!”, which was great! That’s one of them, what you call it, win-win situations, because we were both equally stoked about that.



Probably the best dancer was this fat white dude doing a classic dockers-and-collared-coprorate-logo-shirt dance. In this ocean of pretension he was such a relief ? a dude actually being himself. He was so comfortable with it, even though he looked like he’d been teleported out of a “eric clapton plays the Morgan Stanley Stockholder Lunch Picnic” type situation.






This DUDE, above, was my favorite guy ever : a fucking breathtakingly accurate shoko asahara lookalike! There’s lots of Japanese hippies if you know where to look, but this dude looked exactly like murderous cult leader that did the deadly sarin gas attacks. At first I was like, “OK, I’m being racist ? I can’t tell Japanese apart and etc.” But when i asked my Japanese friend, he was like, “Oh shit! it IS him!” punchline: dude had a gasmask on his chest. I am not fucking shitting you ? it’s in the picture. There is no way that is a coincidence. In this photo, above, he is getting smashed by Yo-Yo guy, of which more later.

Below, one of the go-go dancers:


Around 3AM, I asked the bartender for “just water.” After confirming that I wanted plain tap water, he consulted with his manager, who must have said “no way!”

Now – rather than telling me, “Sorry, boss says you gotta pay for that shit,” he goes ahead and mixes some fancy fizzy mineral water and THEN he tells me, “800 yen.” I smile and make the thumbs up, and then walk away, leaving him with his stupid drink. Later! That is a major thing to do in japan: if someone is being retarded, DON’T get mad. Just pretend to misunderstand. This works even if you DO speak Japanese. In fact, Japanese people fucking invented this technique — to use on each other.


3:30 AM ? only 4 people in the whole club are dancing. Is everyone else waiting for the dealer? Where is he?


Around 4 AM, some dudes were in a little cluster, all looking like ALI G. I assumed they were gay until they started surrounding some Japanese girl and trying to feel her ass. And succeeding. What was sad was, she had no idea what to do. Her solution was, “move 3 feet to the left.” One dude followed her and started trying to freak-dance on her. She was clearly making the “fuck this!” face, but nothing in her upbringing had prepared her for how to deal.


So I went behind the guy and started grabbing HIS ass. Like, to the beat. All one-two-one-two. With his friends all watching. Dude noticed it. He made a gesture like, go over there, but I just gave him the thumbs up and started dancing next to him. I brought the awkwardness until they went to find a new target. I may not be able to win a fistfight, but very few folks can out-awkward me. Ironically, the Ali G guy dealt with me harassing him much more intelligently than the Japanese girl. You can say, “well Japanese culture is different and etc.” but ain’t no Japanese dude going to stop groping a girl EITHER, if her only reaction is “move 3 feet to the left.” I felt dumb almost getting in an incident over some girl that didn’t know how to deal with her own situation. But fuck it, call me a genetleman. A gentleman with a handful of hairy buttock.


All of which led to my final unanswered question of the evening: When shit goes down, are queens prepared to whip a guy’s ass to defend their fag-hag friend? Everyone says that dragqueens fight good ? they pretty much have to, ? but will they fight to defend a friend who is, in the end, fish? Or will they only fight for their homeboys? Is there a rule about this?





The synth player’s pouty lips are actually a mask of lips. Realizing that was the scariest moment of the evening.

Lot of wardrobe malfunctions. Robot parts and armor falling off, and it didn’t look intentional. Did these guys even rehearse?

Not only is the music lipsynched, but he is Lipsynching vocals that are so processed they don’t sound like va human voice to begin with. a wise concept?



These guys were doing some fly-girl dancing, wearing sci-fi costumes.

There were 2 problems with this.

Number one, given that they were robots, their internal logic circuts should have told them to do popping and locking.

Number two, the stage was hella too small for their choreography and they couldn’t do their act properly. It was too bad, because even though fly-girl dancing isn’t real dancing, they obviously practiced hard for this event.



ACT THREE : What’s weirder than a Yankee-looking DJ at a fetish party? Impromptu yoyo performance upstaging improbable Yanki deejay. The photo was taken in the tiny accidental interval while someone ELSE’S flashbulb lit up the room.




ACT FOUR ? human beatbox guy,

sort of like the sound-effects-guy from Police Academy: anyone could name a movie (with a robot in it) and he’d improve the sounds of that robot. Some wiseass called out, SOPHIE’S CHOICE! And he said, “Oh, that video is rented now.” His grand finale: Robocop masturbating.



basically the same exact thing as during recess, but the people are high-profile so it qualifies as a Performance. The Regular Dancers turn into paparazzi, myself included!

Not sure who Bikini Robots One and Two are, but the dude in the center is the event promoter.

And of course DJ Shisen. He danced around but by 4:30 AM he had still not started playing music, so I got tired and went home.



2 Comments so far

  1. claudia April 25th, 2009 10:59 am

    hi! we are in tokyo the night of 30 april and would love to go to a tokyo decadence party! any information on parties on that night? many thanks!

  2. admin April 25th, 2009 5:29 pm

    @claudia: tokyo decadance is on tour in europe now. come to the may day party in kouenji instead!

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