Tokyo Damage Report

translation: interview with ONANIE MACHINE

yes, i:m back. and to start things off with a flourish, I’m reprinting an interview from a japanese magazine called CHERRY TIME. not only is the interview awesome but also it shows you the future of this website — less event reports, and more translations. i:m not going to be posting every day like i was back in 2004, but hopefully the posts will be a bit deeper and more illuminating about japanese culture, now that i can actually read japanese!


ONANIE MACHINE is one of the best, or at least most naked, bands in tokyo.
I have a report of their live show here.

This is a translation of a March 2004 interview with them.

ONOCHIN – guitar
INOMA – bass, vocals
GANGAN – drums.


CHERRYTIME – So, you finished it, right? The 33 song recording-session?

ONOCHIN – Yeah, it’s over. For reals.

INOMA- (we did) 3 CDs at once; (the titles of the cds are) "little girl", "hole in the panties", and "one-sided love." We still have to mix them, but we’re basically done.

ONOCHIN – I already forgot how to play the first bunch of songs.

INOMA- Well, I forgot what I ate yesterday.

ONOCHIN – Me too.

INOMA- November, December, January.. . . just busy every day.

GANGAN- Especially January! Every day.

INOMA – Oh really? You didn’t show up most of December


ONOCHIN- What?!??

ONOCHIN – I didn’t show up half the time, myself!

GANGAN- Naw, you came, I think…

ONOCHIN – yeah, but if you divide it by the amount of time we spent, it was only half.

INOMA- what does that even mean?

GANGAN- but, when it was time for the photo session, you showed up early!

CHERRYTIME- yeah! Why were you so eager to have your picture taken?

ONOCHIN – that was just a coincidence. My kids woke me up early that day, being all noisy.

INOMA- ah, your second-eldest son again?

ONOCHIN – yup. . I got ten kids at my house, but he makes the most commotion.

INOMA- I saw it on TV the other day. {the Onochin’s House Report.} it must be tough living there.

ONOCHIN – big family, big trouble!!

CHERRYTIME – um. Is it ok to tell lies like that? Can we talk about your album?

INOMA- Ok. My biggest challenge was finding a way to market and sell 3 albums at the same time. Also, being forced to record them all at once., impossibly

ONOCHIN – Yeah, it was force all right! No foreplay.

INOMA- Just directly, insertion. But then again, sometimes that’s a good thing. Girls always ask for gentle romantic sex but sometimes they abruptly demand the violence. I also heard that there is a secret wish for rape.

ONOCHIN – Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don’t think so.

INOMA- it’s been medically proven.

ONOCHIN – what? For reals?

INOMA- like for instance during a bank robbery. Female employees who are held hostage said that there was an undercurrent of sex to the whole thing.

ONOCHIN – oh, so that proves it then?

INOMA- They get all excited from the fear!

ONOCHIN – OK, so from now on we’ll do it ‘rape style.’

INOMA- so, so! Let’s usher in the ‘rape era.’ The new theme for ONANIE MACHINE.

ONOCHIN – but even so, we’ll wipe up the mess gently afterwards. We’re adults, after all.

INOMA- we have the ettiquette for it!

ONOCHIN – it’s fundamantal. "ladies first" is our motto, so we’ll wipe up their juices first.

INOMA- Recently I can’t get it up though.

ONOCHIN – Speaking of recent times, Recently I became an adult.


ONOCHIN – No matter how unwashed or smelly the pussy is, I’m licking it.

CHERRYTIME – jesus christ, man!

ONOCHIN – "do the cunni!" I say!

INOMA- "Let’s Cunni!!" haha, but seriously, I find it loathesome.

CHERRYTIME – oooh kaaaaay. . . .Excuse me, but can we leave the cunnilingus discussion for a moment and talk about your album? Which I want to hear about?

INOMA-(completely ignoring him) Even if it’s loathesome, it’s still important to do. It’s like the "barometer of ardor," isn’t it?

ONOCHIN – Like that! Essential.

INOMA- because it’s cunnilingus!!!!

CHERRYTIME – hey! Enough already!

INOMA- (still ignoring the interviewer) but, these 3 CDs we are releasing together. . . their theme is totally cunnilingus!!

ONOCHIN – no matter the smell!

INOMA- among the youth today, the boys don’t cunni anymore.

ONOCHIN – that’s absolutely terrible, isn’t it?

INOMA- but, the cunnilingus songs on our current albums are fantastic. However, next time we’ll write some even better songs about it!

ONOCHIN – it’s not yet time to talk about the next album!

INOMA- ok, ok. Next album is not yet ‘in season.’

CHERRYTIME – but, is the theme of your 3-cd set really cunnilingus?!? People will think that you don’t do penetration anymore.

INOMA- In that case, we will leave only a faint trace (a faint whiff) of that song behind on the finished album.

CHERRYTIME – what are you talking about?!? A faint whiff of a song? Stop lying.

INOMA – it’s not a lie! Each of the 3 discs has its own smell included. White-girl smell, black-girl smell and japanese-girl smell. During playback, the pussy odors can be detected.

ONOCHIN – Sony’s new invention.

CHERRYTIME – ha ha ha.

ONOCHIN – but, no really, smell is important. One often remembers an old girlfriend’s smells.

INOMA- yeah! Like, you are walking down the street and say to yourself, "Ah! That smell! My first love!" and you turn your head and there is a old-fart grandmother standing there and you are like "what the fuck."

ONOCHIN – "old fart?" you mean, an anal odor?

INOMA- People don’t walk around the street smelling of anal sex!

ONOCHIN – but if you love someone you are going to love all their odors.

INOMA- I believe there is a phrase : "once you go black, you can’t go back." Smell is a weapon. Isn’t that why we put the strong odors into our new albums? A thick and viscous odor. But nowadays the young people are hiding their smells. It’s not good. As for Mr. Onochin, when you go to the studio. . .

ONOCHIN – . . . it’s a stench!!!

INOMA- because your whole house is reeking!

ONOCHIN – yes, yes. Because at home I’m always playing guitar, so it’s funky in there.

CHERRYTIME – um. It’s about time for the smell portion to be over, isn’t it?

INOMA- ok, ok. This album is our major label debut.

ONOCHIN – (mystified) we did what, now?

INOMA- Yes, yes. Think about it – all our previous releases have been split CDs or collaborations.

ONOCHIN – Is that right? Let me remember. . .

INOMA- Yeah, yeah. I’m amazing. I arranged the solo debut all myself.

CHERRYTIME- hahahah!

INOMA- um, well. . . I helped to arrange it anyway.

ONOCHIN – Waitaminute – releasing 3 discs at once like this. . . that’s what one calls triple-penetration. Yeah. A feeling of maximum pleasure.

GANGAN — we haven’t recorded a full album in a year and four months.

INOMA- yeah, just as I thought! But, when we put out the new one, hella complainers are going to come out of the woodwork, I think.

ONOCHIN – yup.

INOMA- like, ‘oh your first CD was better,’ all kinds of yin-yang. So we have to say all the complaints before they do!!

ONOCHIN – me too! Let’s complain abundantly!!

INOMA- hey, wait a minute. . . .

ONOCHIN – hahahaha, he wants to do it all himself. . .

INOMA- but, but, think about it. Bands like ANARCHY or THE ROCK BAND started out ok but wound up getting even better over time.

ONOCHIN – that’s right. But generally bands can’t surpass the first single. One-hit wonders. So therefore, it’s like your biggest rival is your own self!

INOMA- anyway, we started this band 4 years ago?


INOMA- five?

ONOCHIN – already five years? Fuck it, time to quit.

INOMA- nononono. Yesterday, we did a live show at LAMAMA, right? But the whole time the sound guy was saying, wow, I can’t belive you got good at playing bass.

ONOCHIN – uh-oh!

INOMA- yeah, I’m 37 and my bass playing is just getting good now? I’m in trouble.

ONOCHIN – you’re still a growing child.

INOMA- does that mean that my foreskin disease will finally get cured too?

ONOCHIN – (sexy mom voice) what a growing boy! Bigger and bigger!

INOMA- yup . I’ll be one of those hella gangly adolescents.

ONOCHIN – heh heh. Next year you’ll sprout.

INOMA- hells yeah. Like one of those kids that grows 10cm over summer vacation.

ONOCHIN – this time next year you’ll be 180cm.

INOMA- but, I want to be 10 cm shorter!

ONOCHIN – what?!?

INOMA- for some reason tiny is just cooler. Scurrying about. All scampering. Go ahead and laugh.

CHERRYTIME _ going to be a dwarf, then?

ONOCHIN – inoma, how tall are you now?

INOMA- 154cm.

ONOCHIN – um . . . I don’t want you to shrink.

INOMA- it’ll be cool though. But if one gets too small, there are a lot of logistical problems and discrimination to overcome. I’d settle for looking like (comedy team) 99’s Okamura, he’s an ideal little shrimp. Hell yeah. I’d be so fucking maneuverable.


INOMA- it’s all about body remodeling! Our band’s theme for this year.

CHERRYTIME – while you’re at it you should lose some weight.

INOMA- shut up! Recently on our band’s BBS, people are writing all kinds of terrible things like that. ‘you’re getting fat, you’re getting bald’ and like that.

ONOCHIN – awful, awful.

INOMA- for real. I’m 37 yo! From now on I’ll make it my mission to get more and more ugly every damn year.

CHERRYTIME – what kind of declaration is that?

INOMA- but, when to really uglify? Probably when I hit 50, I’ll get serious about degenerating.

ONOCHIN – yup. If you live that long.

INOMA – good point. /. I’ll have to degenerate slowly and moderately.

ONOCHIN – as for me, I want to absolutely lose my mind as I get older. All walking around Shimokitazawa in hot pants going "fuuuu! Fuuuu!!!"

INOMA- oh shit, it sounds like Freddy Kreuger!

CHERRYTIME — aieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

ONOCHIN – shit,, let’s all go and get some hotpants right now. Walk around all winter with hot pants and a tank top.

INOMA- I see those old guys, all excercising in the middle of winter with their tank tops.

CHERRYTIME – dude, one can see those old guys everywhere!!

ONOCHIN – I don’t think I could keep up with them.

INOMA-ok, onochin wants to be the crazy old man, I want to be a maneuverable 150cm, gangan, what do YOU want to be?

GANGAN – I want to be 70 kilos.

CHERRYTIME – incedentally how much do you weigh now?


CHERRYTIME – so we’re talking about a diet here.

INOMA- what a dreary thought! You should defend and protect your chubby style!

ONOCHIN – I want mr. Gangan to get even huger!

INOMA- me too!

ONOCHIN – like, 3 meters wide!

INOMA- ahahaha. . . 3 meters yo! If I can go down to 140cm, you can get up to 3 meters.

CHERRYTIME – what? That’s even shorter than last time!

INOMA- yeeeessssssssss. Fuck it, I’ll cut my feet off. That should get rid of 20cm right there.


CHERRYTIME – was the recording really difficult?

ONOCHIN – actually recording hella albums at once is becoming a habit with us. I wanna do it again. 7 CDs at once.

INOMA- specifically 7? You have been thinking about this, haven’t you?

ONOCHIN – let’s get on with it!!

CHERRYTIME – you’re really full of ambition there.

ONOCHIN – it’s terrifying how accustomed I’ve become to recording many cds at once.

CHERRYTIME – it’s a crisis. . . You should start right away or you’ll be late!

ONOCHIN – that’s right! Maybe we can’t. .. .

INOMA- but it’s important to have that drive, that ambition.

CHERRYTIME – especially at a time like this.

INOMA- my thinking has changed. . . I could never go back to doing just one at a time. every wack band is putting out one album a year. It is immensely impossible for us to go out like that!

ONOCHIN – If we try, we can do it!

CHERRYTIME – gangan, how about you?

GANGAN- it was a good experience for me.

INOMA- for real, a good experience.

GANGAN- we’ve already taken steps towards the next album.

INOMA- maybe a normal person thinks that 3 at a time is impossible. But if you think something’s impossible then it becomes impossible because you gave up. It’s a self-fullfilling phrophecy; closing yourself off like that.

ONOCHIN – aah. Yes.

INOMA- so,in particular, it is not impossible to excavate the anal of a black person. Nor is it impossible to fuck a homeless old lady. Anything is possible!

ONOCHIN – yes, anything! You are amazing!

INOMA- yes! I kind of showed my true colors there for a moment.

CHERRYTIME- yeah, you were almost sincere for a second.

INOMA- hey, I think gangan said it best when he said, "I just did Number Two, so it’s time to go." (literal translation is like, "an NG slipped out". Japanese use NG (no good) as the opposite equivalent of OK. Like, "is it OK or NG?" but in this case he’s talking like a little kid using a euphemism for poopy.)

ONOCHIN – that was ALSO a good experience for me.

CHERRYTIME- yeah, how was it the first time you used an adult diaper?

GANGAN – I got so exhausted.

CHERRYTIME- aah!! What did you say??? It’s exhausting to wear a diaper?!?

GANGAN – yeah, exactly, but. We did 3 cds at once this time, so now people are going to expect us to do 4 next time. They’ll be so jaded.

INOMA- fuck ’em. We’ll do 5!!!

CHERRYTIME- what kind of contest is this? A making-a-lot-of-cds-at-once-competition?

ONOCHIN – hehehehhhh. . . . yeah. A making-a-lot-of-cds-at-once competition!

INOMA- hells yeah! With absolutely no connection to quality!!!


INOMA- we have no confidence in our quality, but a lot of confidence in our ability to crank out hella discs. If I say I’ll do 10 albums, I’ll fucking do 10 albums!

CHERRYTIME- by simple mathematics we can estimate that this would be around 100 songs.

INOMA- but, really, I enjoyed the recording 3 at once. Recently I enjoy the studio work even more than live shows. I’m an otaku now. A hikikomori (agorophobic). I never want to meet another human!

ONOCHIN – me too! Live shows are over!

INOMA- I can’t tolerate to be near people, I’m saying!!

ONOCHIN – yes! the perfect agoroaphobics!

INOMA- well, recoding studio is a good job for an agorophobic! But live shows are outdoors.

ONOCHIN – I don’t especially like playing outdoors.

INOMA- I enjoy lives wherever we play!

ONOCHIN – but no matter wherever we play, the audience is less than 20 years old.

INOMA- that’s right, heh heh heh. . . Onochin, can you get along with someone that young?

ONOCHIN – me? No problem. But, if I go to Sugamo (retired people’s city) it’s more comfortable!

CHERRYTIME – . um. Ooh-kaaayyy. Anyway, how was the recording?

ONOCHIN – we worked on it every day and now it is done.

CHERRYTIME – while recording, did you start any new trends?

INOMA- we didn’t start any trends

ONOCHIN – we are innocent!! We didn’t do nothing! Heh heh.

INOMA- nowadays we’re a collection of old farts in their 40s.

ONOCHIN – all exhausted.

INOMA- generally drinking every night.

ONOCHIN – grumbling into our drinks bitterly.

INOMA- grumbling about our old-man jobs.

CHERRYTIME – you guys are 9 to 5ers?

ONOCHIN – (old man voice) gotta pay the mortgage!

INOMA- gotta pay for the damn kids’ education! It’s rough.

CHERRYTIME – gotta pay into the pension fund.

INOMA- I’m not paying for no pension!!!

ONOCHIN – quit fooling around. If you have a crisis, you’ll die!

INOMA- Mr. Onochin is so special. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke. . .

CHERRYTIME – that’s how you are living?

INOMA- he don’t pay tax either.

ONOCHIN – come to think of it, I don’t. maybe just the masturbation tax.

INOMA- say it like, "mastax." it sounds cooler.

CHERRYTIME – no, "taxturbation" is cooler.

ONOCHIN – speaking of "masturbation tax," I am paying so frequently that I worry if I can afford it.

INOMA- anyway, mr. Onochin, about this masturbation of yours, how do you do it? Do you use DVDs and videos like me?

ONOCHIN – well, yup. I use a video of (famously manly Judo champion) yawarachan’s wedding.

INOMA- oh, puke!

ONOCHIN – that’s the shit, though. But then again, I have a wide imagination.

CHERRYTIME – how about real life? it’s easier to get with an ugly lady than a usual movie-star-looking girl, right?

ONOCHIN – yup. But I haven’t done it with Yawarachan yet in reality.

INOMA- he’s jealous of her husband!

ONOCHIN – it’s all about triple penetration. Me and her husband and her. Do you think I should confess my love to her?

INOMA- for christ’s sake don’t do it!

CHERRYTIME- he’s gonna do it, isn’t he?

ONOCHIN – probably.

CHERRYTIME – you used to like (famous idol cute singer) Hiki, didn’t you? Already tired of her, eh? But at any rate they are both married already.

ONOCHIN – yeah, in the final analysis they are both wives! But other-people’s- wife-sex is also a thing.

(gangan just left the room)

INOMA- gangan’s masturbation technique is sure wild, isn’t it?

ONOCHIN – all yelling and stuff.

INOMA- no, no, he’s incredibly tender with himself. I don’t know if he can even touch it or not. All cuddling himself and whispering.

ONOCHIN – oh yeah. Definitely all rustling and bustling.

INOMA- do you think it feels good for him?

ONOCHIN – it must be good!

INOMA- he’s clearly masturbating like a serious otaku. All in the bathtub, going at it from weird angles with the showerhead, I think.

ONOCHIN – you’re right about that.

INOMA- he can get his rinse on.

ONOCHIN – you think he rinses it off?

INOMA- now that you mention it, no.

ONOCHIN – he only uses the soap for onanie!


1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. Zach May 31st, 2009 11:17 am

    … Awesome.

    More please.

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