Tokyo Damage Report

Dogs and Bitches

I had an amazing experience on the beach in San Francisco.

 

I packed a rad lunch, went to the beach, found a cool spot, took off my shoes, and began to chill. Of course you know some shit went down! It wasn’t enough that it rained almost every day of my vacation, and it wasn’t enough that I’d driven an hour and a half to get there: some SPECIAL shit had to go down. Like, within 20 minutes of arriving, I look up and some dumb dog is running up to my backpack and grabbing my sandwitch. I see two white soccer-mom-lookin’ women coming up. Naturally they aren’t running to stop the dog from eating my lunch – but I don’t hold that against them: these heifers are too fat to run. The other heifer also has a dog, and neither is on a leash. We have the following amazing, only-in-San-Francisco conversation:

 

ME: Dude!

HEIFFER: Sorry.

 

ME:Dude!!!!!!!!

HEIFFER: C’mere, Finn!

 

ME: Your dog ate my sandwitch!

HEIFFER: Sorry. Didn’t you hear me shouting? I told you to hide food if you had any on you.

 

ME: You don’t order your own dog to stop? You order me, the human???

HEIFFER: I was trying to warn you!

 

ME: (speechless)

HEIFFER: Didn’t you hear me? I was , like, “If you have food, you should put it away!”

 

ME: I heard you, but . . .(sputtering) I assumed you were talking to your dog, like a normal dog-owner, I mean, what- ghh- it’s-. . .your dog ate my fuckin’ sandwitch, dude! And you didn’t even try to stop him!

HEIFFER: Well, you can’t command dogs. Especially when there is food involved!

 

ME: You god-damn selfish dog-owners, you think you own the beach? This never would have happened if you had him on a leash!

HEIFFER: For your information, this area is leash-free!

HEIFFER #2; Finn needs his exercise!

 

(Check this out;  she hasn’t even finished prying the bread out of her dog’s mouth, but she has already found a way to make this be my fault, and her, the injured party)

 

ME: He ain’t exercising nothing but his jaws!

HEIFFER: This area is leash-free. You people have the whole rest of the beach!

 

ME:I don’t want the whole beach. I just want the little area of beach around my god damn sandwitch! Now what am I supposed to do?

HEIFFER: Well, here’s some money (Holding out $3 in singles, and sort of thrusting her arm away from her pudgy body)

 

ME: I don’t want your money

HEIFFER: What do you want?

 

ME: What do I -?!? –I want a sandwitch!  I want you to go to the damn Safeway and buy me a sandwitch and bring it back here! What the hell?!?

HEIFFER: That’s what I’m trying to-

HEIFFER #2: that’s what she’s trying to do! To get your sandwitch back!

 

ME:I can’t eat three singles!

HEIFFER: God, I can’t believe your attitude!

HEIFFER #2; She’s trying to help you!

 

ME: MY attitude? Look – he’s just sitting there – he’s still got the damn thing in his mouth! You ain’t even scold him or nothing! You’re letting him eat my shit and you’re yelling at ME?

HEIFFER: Well, I tried to warn you!

HEIFFER #2: We were running!

 

 

(they take the sandwitch out of his mouth. He’s all like, ‘It ain’t taste good anyway.’)

 

ME: Hey! Thanks for that! That’s – That’s –What the – So it was my fault because I didn’t hide my food well enough?

HEIFFER: Finn needs to run! He needs to play! It’s not your private beach!

 

ME: He ain’t need to play in my backpack! Jesus, you’re terrible. Look at him! He’s ignoring you. He doesn’t listen to your commands. He doesn’t even LIKE you! You, lady, have a terrible relationship with your dog.

HEIFFER#2: Shut the fuck up!

HEIFFER: I have a great relationship with my dog!

 

ME: O RLY.

HEIFFER: This conversation is over! I will not discuss this in this manner!

 

(they storm off, but ‘Finn’ continues to sit by me, totally oblivious to them (or perhaps, he’s so totally used to his owner fighting with other people that he doesn’t see anything weird about it anymore?))

 

ME: Yeah, you got a great relationship with ol’ Finn. Look, he ain’t even follow you. He can almost stand to be around you!

HEIFFER: C’mere Finn!

HEIFFER #2:  Godd!!

 

 

They walk down the beach, their voices getting louder as they get farther away. Working themselves into a frenzy over the injustice that had been perpetrated against them! They couldn’t believe it! They were going to write Operah at once!

 

 

As for me, though  I wasn’t even mad afterwards.  In fact, there were two reasons to be happy!

One; After years of hating S.F. dog owners, I finally had proof that they were exactly as bad as I’d thought, and I got to say everything I’d been wanting to say to them, right to their ugly, sad faces. And two, because it led to me solving the dilemma of ASSHOLES VS. REAL PIECES OF WORK. – an insight which I’ll share here, as a public service;

 

An ASSHOLE is someone who does something selfish or cruel because they enjoy it: “Yeah, I cut you off in traffic. What are you gonna do about it, bitch?!?”

 

A REAL PIECE OF WORK is not only an asshole, but when confronted with their behavior, they express moral outrage at YOU – they genuinely believe that whatever they did is YOUR fault. For example, “I can’t believe you! When I merged suddenly into your lane without signaling, you almost hit me! DIDN’T YOU SEE I HAD MY BABY CRAWLING AROUND IN THE BACK SEAT? IT COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!!!!”  Real pieces of work push you past anger into a state of jaw-dropping confusion, and make their getaway while you are bewildered by the sheer scale of their buffoonery.

 

That’s why the expression ‘asshole’ has a feeling of contempt and hate, but the expression ‘real piece of work’ has a feeling of bemused resignation and amazement.

 

 

 

7 comments Tags: , ,

7 Comments so far

  1. nameless March 14th, 2009 3:51 pm

    aaargh! i’m blind! to light and sterile. i hope this isn’t the final layout…
    why must every second webpage nowadays use a blogsystem anyway *rant*

  2. MechanicalPencilGirl March 14th, 2009 11:52 pm

    …wow…just wow.

  3. TRex March 14th, 2009 11:57 pm

    Ha! You made my day dude, sorry about your sammich!

  4. admin March 17th, 2009 12:02 am

    Too sterile??? If you want to look at something infected, Google Image search your mama’s joint.
    Last time I checked there was like 30,000,000 results for that shit.

    Deeeeyyyammmnn!

  5. rafael March 19th, 2009 11:48 pm

    dude, thats fucked uup!love your blogg saw u @ the KYLESA show!

  6. El Kim from NK March 24th, 2009 7:26 am

    I don’t know man…I think you went easy on those tubs of imperialist waste. The moment after the dog ate your wich you shoulda grabbed it by its neck, broken it, and proceeded to eat the damn dog! That’s how it’s done around here.

  7. admin March 24th, 2009 4:56 pm

    Awwww shit! Kim Jung IL in the haaaouse! Took me a second to get it. (FYI: he said his email was “elkim@gov.nk”)
    Thanks for the advice, Dear Leader, and next time you’re in S.F. we’ll have a bar-b-q.

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