Tokyo Damage Report

New business models for the Japanese recession

I’m down, man! I’m HELPING.

Japan is in trouble, economy-wise.  Hell of people getting laid off. Social safety-net crumbling. Foreign markets not buying Japanese exports. Bad stuff. But tough times spell ‘opportunity’ for new business ideas – ideas that might have seemed crazy back in the bubble days.  But now everyone’s short of cash, so they might be desperate to buy my new line of services. Invest now and get in on the ground floor of my damn schemes!


1 – oyaji host club

 These days, gals can’t afford to spend $3,000 on a champagne bottle with a model. Plus, Hella old guys getting laid off from their useless jobs waving flags at traffic in random motions. But that’s good news  for this new industry: THE OYAJI HOST CLUB. (oyaji is a term for a sort of beaten-down working-class guy) helps both types of people find satisfaction and meaning in life, at down-market prices!

For $10 an hour, a girl can share a table with this handsome devil: (notice how his armband says ‘host’? That’s class!). He’ll bum cigarettes off of her, say she wears too much bad perfume, and then ignore her and read the racing forum of the newspaper for the rest of the time. If she wants him to make nice, she has to buy him a drink. But instead of Dom or Moet, we serve $2 glasses of ONE-CUP. Down the hatch, old-timer!


2 – miira rabuho (mummy love hotel)

Everyone knows about love-hotels, right? $40 for a one-hour ‘rest’ or $100 for an overnight ‘stay.’ But what if your love is longer?  Eien Parasu (Eternal Palace) honors the ultimate commitment:  being together for eternity!  Couples are mummified together, and the hotel rooms double as crypts. No more making your kids pay for an expensive funeral and unsightly cremation.   Swaddled in gold-lame bandages and posed holding hands in the refrigerated rooms – mirrors and disco balls show the ‘eternal lovers’ from all angles. You and your beloved can stroll down the corridors looking at the different poses, and when you find the pose that suits you, you push the electric buzzer next to it to choose it. Management does the rest! And if some of your organs wind up on the black market in the process, maybe you’ll even get a discount!




3 – more functions for the washlet!

"Washlet" means a high-tech Japanese toilet  which is so famous throughout the world. Like cell-phones, washlets keep adding new features every year: heated seats, automatic bidet fountains, automatically raising and lowering seats are just the beginning! The washlet of tomorrow will have even more capabilities . . . .behold!!

That’s right! With the 2010 washlet, you don’t have to strain your household budget to buy a rice-cooker. it’s included! Let’s zoom in on the control panel:



4 – schadenfreude RSS feed

Everyone loves RSS, right? You can subscribe to 200, 300, 400 websites and get automatic updates. Well, shit. In America, people’s arrests are a matter of public record. So why not combine them:  A-RRSted! A-RSSted is your one-stop schadenfreude aggregator! Users ‘subscribe’ to everyone they can’t stand: it could be celebrities, high-school bullies,  old gym teachers, people who owe you money, ex-boyfriends. . . anyone, really!  Anytime those people get their life wrecked, you’re automatically notified with A-RRSted! Laugh at their misery! The basic package only covers arrests and death. The more expensive ‘deluxe downfall monitor’ also includes suits, divorces, bankuptcies, and outstanding warrants, which are all a matter of public record. You can subscribe to as many people as you want: $0.50 per person per month – discounts available if you order in bulk. Seriously someone could make a fuckin’ mint with this.



5 –  dutch kappa

 That’s what I said. If you don’t know what that means, it’s ok. Inflatable or silicone.


6 – argument hotel:

Another version of the ‘love hotel':  in these bad economic times, more couples will get in fights:  You forgot to pay the bill! Well you spent the bill money getting your hair done! Yadda yadda! Plus, fewer people will be able to aford deluxe love hotels. Well, how about solving both problems at once:  One-way glass lets bitter, single spectators watch couples fight in the hotel rooms! Feel better about being single! For a mere $5 per hour! If you get bored of the current fight, you can pick another room! It’s like going to people’s court and sitting in the back, sort of: you never know what kind of human misery you’ll see next: arguments about infidelity? impotence? about the guy not making enough money, or about the woman getting fat?

Couples can get a free room for the night if the promise to put on a good show!  They have to put up $100 down up front, but get a ‘refund’ based on how many people they attract to be their ‘audience.’ sort of a pay-to-play gig – if you’re a musician you know what I’m talking about.  People all calling their friends, "Hey, me and the little lady are going to have a mad, Springer-style throwdown  at the Argument Hotel on friday – think you can make it?" "Fuck yeah! I was always jealous of you guys, so if your girl won’t kiss me at least I can see what a horrible person she is in private."


Everyone wins! That’s what entrapaneurship is about! Even if I can’t spell it, I undersand the SPIRIT!  Anyone out there with deep pockets, give me some start-up money and see how long it takes before you feel the Invisible Hand of capitalism giving you a reach-around.


8 Comments so far

  1. Pierre-Juan June 30th, 2009 10:58 pm

    Love it.

  2. Oya July 1st, 2009 2:49 am

    You know, that argument hotel bit reminds me of the philosophical restaurant skit in monthy python’s the meaning of life, for some reason. Also the Oyaji Host idea is just fantastic. Go guess how many girls actually have an Oyaji fetish.

  3. Isaac Hayes July 1st, 2009 11:43 am

    I want a dutch kappa. Does it come with bowing motion?

  4. Sarah July 3rd, 2009 12:39 am

    Do you shove a cucumber up the Dutch kappa? Wouldn’t it like that?

  5. admin July 3rd, 2009 1:53 am

    @ Sarah:
    To preserve your model’s longevity, I suggest you use a plastic cucumber from the ‘plastic display food’ stores on Kappa-bashi street.

  6. admin July 3rd, 2009 1:55 am

    @ Oya: I have no idea how many girls like them some Oyajis. What is your experience?

  7. Oya July 3rd, 2009 8:31 am

    My experience? Being an Oyaji. And a Japanese schoolgirl.
    At the same time.

  8. djeek November 27th, 2009 2:36 am

    I got a bit let down after realizing that the “mummy love hotel” was photoshopped, because I totally want there to be a pyramid-topped building in Japan with garish cladding and a brazenly unlicensed Eddie bas-relief.

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