Tokyo Damage Report

SHIT THAT MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN

 A lot of stuff was invented in the USA,

and a lot of stuff makes me proud to be American,

But I can only think of 10 things that fit BOTH categories:

 
1) the Simpsons
 
2) Rap
 
3) Punk
 
4) Comic books
 
5) Stand-up comedy
 
6) Mad magazine – which ITSELF invented post-modernism, 30 effing years before any egghead academic ever thought about post-modernism. Meta layers, parody and pastiche and mixing genres. . . that shit was the blueprint for every aspect of pomo. In an ideal world, all the eggheads, post-structuralist, deconstructionists, post-whateverthefuckists, all those dudes would be working in Harvey Kurtzman’s basement, sweeping and mopping.
 
7) Blues songs about another mule kicking in your stall. It’s no coincidence that the word for “bastard” comes from England – they must have been up to their NECKS in bastards, because THEY DID NOT HAVE A PHRASE WHICH TOLD THEM THEIR PARTNER WAS BEING UNFAITHFUL IN THE FORM OF A LIVESTOCK METAPHOR.
 
8  ) The best slang of the past 10 years: “You lookin’ stank.” Evocative, yet puzzling. Kind of psychedelic – she’s seeing odors! Such a rad put-down. Invented by Destiny’s Child. Kim Jong Il – you lookin’ stank. Putin, YOU lookin’ stank! Dick Cheny, you lookin’ unavoidably, inequivocably, insalubriously STANK. It’s as satisfying to say as it is to hear. I swear the first time I heard that Destiny’s Child song, I was like “What? Did she say — ? God bless America!” I had my hand over my heart and looked up and saw a crying bald eagle soaring majestically overhead and pointed at it and said, “Crying bald eagle, you lookin’ stank!”
 
9) ROCK AND ROLL
 
10) America is the world leader in songs about having sex with dead people: Alice Cooper, TSOL, ISS,Slayer, GG Alin . . .
 
 
These 10 things are not only great but they could only have been invented in the USA.
But wait – are you sensing a trend? Most of these were either invented by Blacks or Jews.
 
Break it down:

 

****

Black people: 2,7,8,9
Jews: 1, 3,4,5,6
Whitey: 10 
 
****
 
As a scotch-italian-american, this makes me feel small. What else have my people brought to the table? What can I be proud of? Smallpox blankets and a military-industrial complex? Minesweeper? New York Hardcore? The idea that corporations had human rights? Know where South Africa got the idea for apartheid from? Our Indian reservations. When the Worst Country In The World is the only one doing what your race suggests, man, you need to be like, "…".
 
That’s like if nowadays, North Korea started giving girls mandatory tramp stamps. "Thanks for your one good idea, Western Pigs!"
 
But what about the Founding fathers? Sure, they were rad for their time,(democracy, pluralism, accountability of elected officials, free speech ) . . .but that whole approach was basically invented in France!  America was just the first country to APPLY the French method without it ending in total merde. So that doesn’t count under these rules.
 
Damn!
 
Not to say I have a stereotype. I don’t believe all blacks and jews are geniuses. Just like any ethnic group, there’s always someone fucking up the program by inventing, say, house music or Auto-tune or Goldman Sachs or, what’s that other thing that Jews invented? Oh yeah, the atom bomb. Nice going, Einstein, Feynman, Oppenheimer. But hey, on the other hand, “History Of The World, Part 1”. Who’s the REAL genius, I axe you.
 
I’m not saying I’m racist against whites, either. White people invented lots of bitchen stuff. Like dada art . . .in France. Or heavy metal. . . in England. Or Anarchy… in Russia.
 
Fuck!
 
As you can see, history has shown that whites are capable of coming up with great things on occasion .. . but when we’re  taken out of Europe, and put in America, all we have is “most songs about fucking dead people.” 
 
And that’s WITH The Man dominating  government, media, and industry. On a level playing field, we wouldn’t of even gotten the “most necrophiliac tunes” award, and THEN how embarrassed would we be?
 
It’s like we left all our original ideas and creativity back in Europe.  Case in point: Whitey invented Evolution .. . in England! Take them same whites and put them in America and we invent “no evolution”. WTF. Not just that, but like American whites take it a step further:  “Let’s teach creationism so hard we forget to teach ‘help the poor’ or ‘heal the sick.’ ”
 
 
On the other hand, Thomas Edison. There is a dude who was useful to everyone. Electricity, telephone. He was down for all the people. Also you know another thing that white people invented and gave to everyone for free? The concept of being bad to the bone. If we invent a cure to a lethal disease, we’ll sell it for as much money as we can extract from parents whose children are inches away from death. But bad to the bone? That one’s on us.
 
On the OTHER other hand, Anglo-saxon Americans invented Hippies. Fuck! That is so depressing. Not only can we never restore our reputation for the small pox blankets, but it turns out . . we invented smallpox blankets AND hippies. If only we had given the blankets TO the hippies, maybe the two would have cancelled each other out, but no, we had to invent them at separate times. That means we also inadvertently invented Whole-wheat-germ pizzas.  Headbands. Mandals. “freak-outs.” Tambourine solos. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. Instead of a song called GUILTY OF BEING WHITE they should do a song called GUILTY OF INVENTING HIPPIES, MKULTRA AND WALLMART.
 
What if there was a tv show like American idol – AMERICAN RACIAL?!? Paul Mooney and Don Rickles could host. Different ethnic groups try to score points by announcing good things they invented, and take points AWAY from the rival groups by pointing out terrible things THEY invented. This could be limited to stuff invented in America, or not.
 
Serial killers! HMOs. Lobbyists: White people, minus 30 points.
“But we invented Country Music!”
Oh, in that case minus 40.
“Dagnabbit.”
 
The show would be canceled because the Chinese-Americans would ALWAYS win.
 
Some Jews are cocks – Kissinger, Milton Friedman, Wolfowitz, Madoff –  but at the same time it is impressive that the Jewish people have survived thousands of years of persecution in order to HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY to become cocks. How many other stone-age middle-east tribes – Hittites or Saracens or fuckin’ uh fuckin’ uh Philistines –  do you see  influencing U.S. foreign policy in the middle east to favor their ethnic group at the expense of the U.S.’ own political fortunes? Not a lot, I’d wager. The Hittites went out LIKE A SUCKER.
 
 
But in the end, I think the human race as a whole is most uplifted when the races work together for the benefit of all. Best example: ASS.
 
Anglo-saxons invented the word ‘ass’ meaning, one’s posterior. But the idea of taking a noun and turning it into a suffix, meaning “emphasis of the previous word” – that was contributed by African Americans. Bitch-ass. Stupid-ass. Lame-ass. And the wonderful Spike Lee construction: “No-home-trainin’-havin’-ass Brookyn dudes."
 
Although I can ‘t be positive he said "dudes." Might of been something else.
 
Anyway, I think it’s no coincidence that the country where “xxx-ass” was invented, the only country where it COULD have been invented, was America, because we have a melting-pot-ass country. We got the kind of meritocracy, the kind of ideological ferment, that allows ass, the word, to become ass the suffix, which can be applied to ANY word. Homeopathic!  Diurnal! W. C. Fields-Getting-Blown-By-Matt-Goering-Lookin’. ANY word.
 
Ultimately, it’s stuff like "–ASS" that is the reason why people from all over the world want to immigrate here. Even people from countries that hate us – Iran, Pakisatn, Syria, Venezuela – they want their kids to go to school here. Because they know we’re the country that invented "-ASS", before any other country even dreamed of such a thing.
 
ASS is the American dream, like it or not.

 

 

13 comments Tags: ,

13 Comments so far

  1. François December 10th, 2009 7:07 pm

    You’re a scotch-italian-american whose name is Schultz?

  2. disgracedminister December 10th, 2009 9:48 pm

    Mad = joy

    check out “the rise and rise of michael rimmer”

    also you’ve heard of chris morris and armando ianucci right?

    now you have.

    Long time reader btw, used to live in tokyo for a year and now back in Dublin, Ireland.

    internet is full of muck these days… i read and relax and rarely comment.

    i think you’ll like this too.

    ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com

    talk to ya

  3. Narcoleptic December 11th, 2009 12:01 am

    This country would be so worthless without black people and Jews. That said, I’m pretty sure Matt Groening is a goy. I guess if you count James L. Brooks and a bunch of the Simpsons writers, you can still give the Simpsons some Jewish cred.

  4. William December 11th, 2009 5:03 am

    i’m so pleased that you included anarchy under the bitching thing that have been invented.

  5. admin December 11th, 2009 5:09 am

    @ narcoleptic: good call. James L. Brooks WAS a key part of my devious jewish plot to claim Simpsons for the tribe. Groening’s solo work was fun but not Top 10 material.

    @ william: That is the best description of Anarchy that I have ever read.

  6. Tzench December 11th, 2009 5:32 am

    In Swedish, any swearword can be applied to any noun as a suffix. Totally kickass!

  7. Troy Polamalu December 11th, 2009 10:38 am

    black people didnt invent rock n roll! why does everyone say that? rock n roll is a mix of hillbilly debauchery and black folks style. elvis took a lot of ques from my negro brethren but they didnt invent rock n roll goddammit!

  8. admin December 11th, 2009 5:53 pm

    @Troy: “black people didnt invent rock n roll! why does everyone say that?” Yeah, I wonder why? What could be the reason?
    @Tzench: examples PLEASE! tak!

  9. Steve December 13th, 2009 8:27 pm

    So zines don’t make the top 10? Are they subsumed under punk, matt groening, and comic books, or are zines just another thing to be ashamed of?

    I think they should take the place of ‘songs about having sex with dead people’, because they are more often then not about that and so much more.

  10. Troy Polamalu December 14th, 2009 3:55 pm

    Its a racial platitude purveyed by apologists.I live in the south and when I see tv shows on “soul” food they give black people the credit for “soul” food too they didnt invent southern cooking either. The fact that most normals say its so is because they always hear that its so. most people dont dig for truth. Anyway Im just saying you need to give whit people at least half of the rock n roll point.

  11. François December 14th, 2009 8:07 pm

    And 30% hip-hop points too because, you know, there’s so many wiggas nowaday, it has got to count for something.

  12. Fuko Franklin December 19th, 2009 9:52 pm

    You really are a great writer. Stank is going to be replaced soon because too many white fake lesbians named Sam or Khaki use use it. Just like in da house became in da hizza. Don’t write off white America. In between the self hating white liberals and the bat shit crazy Stormfront people are some good folks. In fact there is even a new movement for “multi-racial whites” whites who have traceable African Ancestry who are down with it!They want to keep being white and not One Drop Rulers. You should go for it Steve! If not than don’t worry about being Italian/Scotch just pretend to be something else! haha just kidding I’m almost Italian and have hard time dealing with Italian America, go back to the old country…

    As for Black people inventing rock,its always interesting how when something cool like ancient Egypt or rock n roll, that has an obvious black African root, sudenly becomes white as Neiman Marcus restroom crapper liners. Besides even if you want to cite country music’s (at best) one quater contribution to RnR, doesn’t three quarters black make it all black, white Troy mon?
    (start the bongos Kats) “…it started with the Scott Joplin, piano keys than a Robert Johnson drank some poison at the crossroads if you please, King Biscuit Flower Hour drum-min tight, Elmore James, Blind Lemon Pie, Big Mama Thornton rockin at midnight, some ca;led N word noise some called it race music but to call it white invention my taupe ass would then have to refuse it.”

  13. Troy Polamalu December 23rd, 2009 6:47 pm

    yeah fuko I know the blues. I know where rock came from. Simply put rock didnt come from Africa or Europe it came from a melding (not by choice obviously) of two distinct and artistic cultures here in the usa. Rock would never existed if not for said meld. Therefor giving all the credit to one member of team america while casting another in some kind of third party roll is insulting.

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