Tokyo Damage Report


 I don’t love Kiss or hate them. I don’t even care enough to have an opinion. They had two OK songs. The FACTION had six good songs – the black room ep, plus “Why save the whales?”. That means, to me, that THE FACTION is exactly THREE TIMES as good as KISS. But two good songs is still pretty good. Kiss should be proud – that’s twice as good as Madonna or Seven Seconds. But other than that, I never thought about Kiss, because that would make me think about the Faction and then I’d listen to “TERROR IN THE STREETS (Terror on the streets!)” instead.

I just decided yesterday Kiss is slightly relevant, but only as a metaphor for Bush’s America.
See, Kiss spent the ‘70s bragging to everyone on the planet, “We are the best! We play the biggest arenas! We have the brightest lightshow and the highest heels! We reign supreme over the world of rock, everyone outta our way!” But at the same time, they were being robbed blind by not one manager, but like several managers in a row – while these musical geniuses were distracted by shiny things and boobies, the managers would take all the money from these bragged-about arena shows and put that money in Swiss banks, before vanishing, leaving Paul Stanley with a cupon for a Happy Meal and half a pair of shoelaces. “Enjoy!”
That’s George Bush’s America: kicking ass all over the planet, while getting reamed from within over and over. Showing off a power that is all hocus-pocus, all "shock and awe", while getting punked like a peasant  backstage, invisibly. And most importantly, being too stupid or too egotistic to make the connection between the two.
“Hey fellas, if you spent a few minutes less on makeup, maybe you’d have time to check that receipt?”
“Which receipt?”
“The one from the 20,000-seat soccer stadium in Brazil that – apparently – only 9 people paid to get in.”
“No time, man! We gotta do some blow off of Yitzahk Perlman’s tits!”
That was America under Bush. “Kick their ass and take their gas! Honk if you (heart) USA! With us or against us!” And while we’re distracted by
*P. Diddy is drinking moet!
*Shrek fuckin’ 2!
*Adam Sandler!
* Yellow ribbons and crying eagles!
*  Jacksonian nipple malfunctions!
*The awesome might of predator drones!.
. . . while we’re distracted by all that, Wall street comes along, takes all our shit, leaves us with a cupon for a Happy Meal and half a pair of shoelaces an infant-faced man crying on FOX news. 
Where’s our blow? Where’s the groupies with suede boots? Where’s the dude to make a drum kit explode with a dragon coming out of it? Nope, those days are gone. We got owned by our managers – people much smarter than us, who we thought were on our side.
Maybe part of Obama’s financial reform should be a bill stipulating that all Wall Street people or lobbyists have to wear satin jackets with muttonchop sideburns and aviator shades, so people know who to avoid.
 On the plus side, though, “Reamed From Within” would make a rad death metal song, actually.




4 Comments so far

  1. Alex January 12th, 2010 2:25 pm

    A plus, motherfucker!

  2. Adam January 13th, 2010 6:18 pm

    So, if we run you for Prez in 2012, will you re-patriate?

  3. szaszha January 13th, 2010 8:25 pm

    bizarre and obscure yet accurate, as usual. drawing a comparison between those two things should win you some kind of research grant.

  4. 23 Wolves January 17th, 2010 10:59 am

    Which two songs? Going Blind and Rock Bottom? Because those are both more than OK. And Ladies Room! Yes!

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