Tokyo Damage Report

PARENTS AND CHILDREN IN THE FUTURE

OK bitches:

I know I ain’t posted lately. In today’s fast-paced, rock-’em-sock-’em internet world that is like a sin. Taking time to write something substantial (be it good or boring) is going to COST YOU HITS. Better to write something sensational and short – hopefully requiring zero thought – to momentarily prop up your stats. If you can’t do that, and you naiively write a long article, at least you should break that into 20 small parts, post  one a day, to keep the suckers coming back for more! If you post it all at once, they’ll get bored halfway through, and (even worse) then your stats will go back down.

you know what? fuck it.

I’m old enough to remember when people wrote real shit for real reasons – even if it was stupid. When indie DIY people were not about fuckin’ rankings and popularity contests and corporate marketing strategies. When one of the main APPEALS of DIY media was that you didn’t have to waste even one minute on that bullshit.I’m sick of bloggers and individuals on the internet whose expression has been compromised – people can say what they want, but slowly their priorities become the same as the priorities of the giant corporations that run the internet blog/social sites. . . and kids these days who have never known anything different, don’t even see the conflict of interest. Speaking of kids, this piece is about KIDS . . . IN THE FUUUUUUTURE.

Like all my adventures, this began with me drunk in the shower.  . Kept leaping out of the tub with new ideas. Grabbing the voice-recorder and doing the ole’ "Note to self!" thing. It took me a while to type everything up and whip it into shape, but  damn if i’m going to split it up into little chunks and make you primates keep hitting the ‘next page’ button just so it looks like I got more hits. I’m giving you the REAL REAL,  as rappers say. THE RAW AND UNCUT.

I’m not giving you MERELY a whiskey-fueled shower-rant of an aging beardo. I am giving you THE FUTURE OF PARENTS AND CHILDREN.


MUSIC:
Today’s kids listen to death-metal bands with names like INTESTINAL VOMITATION and SACRILIGEOUS IMPALEMENT. . . or else they listen to the most crazy breakcore or glitchcore , (you know, the weird-ass techno stuff that sounds like a computer getting sexually assaulted).  So – what will THEIR kids listen to , to piss THEM off??? I have known the answer to this for years.

You know when you go to a shopping mall, (at least in Japan, they still exist), and there’s a bunch of tiny youth-oriented stores right next to each other, and every store has speakers out front, playing a different tinny, high-pitched song? And when you walk around you are hearing 5 or 6 of these songs at the same time, all at different speeds and in different keys?  THAT is what kids in the future will listen to ALL THE TIME. And, just like malls, the songs will all be commercial jingles.
 


PARENTAL SUPERVISION :
In the past, teens and parents would often have this conversation: “I want to borrow the car / stay overnight at my friend’s house / go to this party.” And the parents said “No.”
In the future, the parents will have access to wireless cyber-feed directly from their childrens’ eyes, ears, and noses. The negotiations will go something like this: “Mom, I want to go to this party tonight at Future Billy’s.”
 “OK, on the condition that we can monitor your sensory input 3 times, 10 minutes a time, and you have no idea when we are doing it.”
 “Awww momm, Billy’s parents only monitor him one time for one minute, before 8pm.” “Well, how about 2 times for 5 minutes each?”
 “Deal, but you have to turn on the ‘monitor light’ that lets me know you’re listening.”
 “Hell no! I told you a thousand times, that makes the whole thing meaningless.” “No come on Mom! If I’m drunk or high, I won’t be able to hide it even if I know. I might even blurt out something like ‘Nobody act drunk! My parents are watching!’”

The cool thing about this is, both parties have to consent – if the parents ask for too much snoop-time, the kids will say “no” and the parents will NEVER know what their kids are REALLY up to.  And if the kids don’t compromise, they can’t ever go out!
 


ENTERTAINMENT :
kids today think it’s normal to listen to ipod headphones while texting and talking to their friend AND playing videogames at the same time. So what will THEIR kids to do piss THEM off?   In the future, social networks will merge with artificial intelligence programs, neural nets, and stochastic algorhythms to create ‘virtual users’.
Here’s how this will work: When the user first signs up for a social networking/ mmorpg thing, a stochastic AI program will keep track of  the user’s behavior when emailing or in virtual worlds – how often do you say “yes” and how often you say “no” or “STFU” or “LOL”  . . .how often do you attack, how often do you run away, etc. And then  as it learns your behavior, it will mimic your behavior, so that your virtual avatar can continue to act “like you”, developing new friendships and fighting with people. . . without you actually doing anything.  Virtual users!
Using this technology, kids’ avatars can participate in dozens of virtual worlds, play hundreds of games, send millions of text messages and listen to billions of songs at the same time.
Meanwhile, the actual , real life kids are so full of behavior-mod drugs that they basically are slumped in a corner drooling and doing nothing.   

The rich kids will be doped to the gills on “behavior enhancing” drugs because of incredible pressure to get them all into the “best schools.” The poor kids will be labeled “a potential gangster” and force-fed all these inhibitor drugs – Ritalin, halcyon, anti-psychotics. But either way, they’ll be so effed up on goof-balls they will be totally incapacitated while the machines play themselves.

Pundits paid by the videogame/social networking companies will praise the future kids for being so efficient and sophisticated.

The parents will be like, “Don’t you wanna play video games?”  
Kid: (monotone)I am.
“But you’re not jacked in to your console!”
“Don’t need to be.”
“Well. . . don’t you wanna make internet friends?”
 (loooong pause) “I am.”
“(sigh)”

 


FUTURE SUBCULTURES

The increasing realism and inevitable merging of war-games with social networking etc. will  allow future kids to see friendship for what it always has been: a game. Not for fun or helping people or having someone to share your inner self with. A competition with discrete and quantifiable rules.   But the weird side-effect of this is, when friendship becomes just another commodity, it starts acting like a marketplace. Friends will be bought and sold. People will use ‘gold-miners’ (i.e. poor kids or robots ) to amass small quantities of popularity which they can then buy wholesale, without going to the trouble to be nice to people or even impress them.

Future kids will use social networks to trade, buy, and sell friendships the way that adults play the stock market. The social stockmarket will have its own bubbles and trends and statistical predictions.

Here’s how it will work:
Kids as young as 5 years old will be able to borrow ‘start-up funds’ from large holding companies, and use that money to start investing in friends and enrolling on members-only social networks, expensive ‘friend market prediction software’ and etc.

Actually they’ll mostly buy “mutual funds” where  – instead of spending $10 on one avatar (only to watch that avatar be labeled ‘uncool’ and lose their whole investment) , 100 kids will all go in together, each owning  1% of 100 avatars, to minimize risk while maximizing opportunity.

Each communally-held avatar is in a different subculture, thus allowing kids to hedge their bets against popularity bankruptcy. Kids will literally be able to have thousands of dumb haircuts and hundreds of mind-blowingly retarded outfits at the same time.

The demand for new subcultures will be driven by mutual funds and risk-management algorhythms, rather than by trying to express one’s self. The more subcultures, the more you hedge your bets. But at the same time , the more crowded the marketplace gets, the less likely that any given subculture will blow up and become ‘cool.’ Thus you have to hedge your bets even more. This vicious circle will result in an insatiable demand for more and more subcultures. More than even the most retarded teens can dream up in their worst fashion nightmares.

Eventually a new generation of super-computers will be invented just to randomly generate subcultures. They won’t even have music or haircuts – it’ll just be random numbers. Turns out it’s faster that way. Anyway, assuming that you invest in the right subculture and your avatar wins the virtual lottery of ‘cool’, they will get a lot of friends, which you can then leverage those friends into even more friends, and pretty soon you’ve made a million dollars – which is all taken by the company that gave you the start-up loan.

But it doesn’t matter because the shit was all done automatically, and you were in the corner of your room drooling, xanax-flavored snot oozing our of your pie-hole.

 


EDUCATION:
Suburban parents will demand ‘high tech’ classrooms so their kids can ‘stay competitive’, while also demanding tax cuts and cheering for higher military spending. The schools will respond by  creating the Professional Interactive Silicon Studies program.  The PISS program will give kids, as young as 6 years old,  “computer training” on the most advanced systems – for up to 12 hours a day. PISSed children will  spend their entire ‘training time’  “gold – mining” (i.e. playing MMPORGs, doing repetitive tasks, and getting gold pieces and experience points) and selling that loot to the children of our new Chinese and Korean overlords.

 The most popular MMPORG will be a clockwork orange version of ‘Oliver Twist.’

 This PISS will be a thing mainly in the suburbs. Parents from urban and black/latino neighborhoods will raise hell and demand that their kids get “equal opportunities” to ‘get PISSed on.’

Republicans will say “OK you guys don’t deserve this but we will allocate funds for that, if you make your kids join one of the many Blackwater-style private armies when they turn 14.”

Generous government funding for “faith-based initiatives” (i.e. legal bribes) to black and latino preachers ensures that the preachers support this  military-service-in-exchange-for-child-labor program, calling it “An opportunity from God to get your children to spread the Good News to the Middle East.”

Funnily, all these federal tax ‘faith-based initiative’ dollars a) come from largely rich, atheist states in New York and California, go to poor, southern states. And b)  it’s the government using public money to help the private armies recruit. Hmm.
 


PARENTING AND MONEY:
 Since the parents are a) out of money, and b) maxed out all their credit cards after the Great Economic Collapse of 2015, the banks/credit card companies said, “OK, you don’t have to pay us back with money. We’ll keep charging you 7% interest , but instead of 7% money, it’ll be 7% of your children.”

Parents will be offered the FREE CHOICE of converting monetary interest points to one of two  Pre-Adult Earnings Dividends Options.  This free choice will be touted as evidence of the benevolence and individualism of capitalism.  The two choices of PAEDO are as follows:  you can pay interest either in ‘percent of the children’s skin area we can test our experimental new drugs on,’ or in the  ‘percent of the child’s average life-span that he or she spends working for one of the many private armies that sprung up after armed forces were ‘deregulated.’  

Time Magazine will name Citigroup “Corporation of the Year” because it charges 0.2 points less than the average company. The chairman will be quoted as saying, “It’s because we care. We wanted to give something back to the Community.”  Of course, the estimates of “average life span” will be computed by ‘ratings agencies’ ala Moodys / Standard and Poor (who are dependant on the banks and credit-card companies for their profits), so the estimates will NOT take into account the fact that fighting child-wars in crazy desert conditions tend to dramatically reduce one’s life-span in the first place. They’ll be taking 7% of the (civilian, rich person’s) 70-year span, rather than 7% of the (child indentured mercenary’s) 25 year life-span.

Somewhere, a politician will try to draw attention to the funny math, but they’ll use a curse word in their sound bite, and the pundits will spend the entire news cycle discussing the curse word.


CHILD-BASED ECONOMY
Between the PISS, the PAEDO, the medical testing,  and the child-soldiers, kids will be the most important commodity in future America. And yet people will still be surprised when it is discovered that MacDonalds puts massive amounts of fertility drugs in their fries.

Fortunately, since the disappearance of the middle class, the MSM split into TWO media: one for rich and one for poor. The fertility-drug scandal was explained in the rich papers as “Since America’s only real export anymore is child slaves, we need these fertility drugs to remain competitive in the global marketplace.” (they can print it so boldly because no poor person would be caught dead reading the ‘cultural eleet’ news-sites). In the poor papers, they explain the same scandal as, “Ronald MacDonald had a personal visit from Jesus, who told him “help the Christians make more God Babies to outnumber the Buddhists and Musli-terrorists.”

Of course, the irony here is that these private armies don’t fight for the USA government (what little remains of it), they fight for the highest bidder : which is usually China or Saudi Arabia. But that’s the beauty of the Poor People Media:  even if they DID report that irony, no one would be able to comprehend it. Because, Jesus Christ is Lord!

Also, the ‘points of your children’ system won’t be hidden. It won’t be some big conspiracy. Parents will complain about it in front of their kids the same way that they complain about credit card bills today. They will even threaten their kids: “If you don’T finish your macnuggets, you’ll get two more points!”  “If you don’T be quiet right now while daddy watches his ten-minute hate, you’ll get 3 more points!” “I’ll be good.”
 


 THE BIOMED / FOSTER CARE COMPLEX:
 
 I mentioned back in the ENTERTAINMENT section  that kids will all be incapacitated by legal drugs. Here’s how that will go down:

Democrats will require everyone to have health insurance. Republicans will require that insurance to be private, not public, and expensive as fuck. Like I said before, nobody can afford this. So, from birth, kids will be mortgaged (indentured) to one of three insurance ‘super syndicates’ that monopolize the market.  In order to get permission to have a baby, the pregnant woman has to sign these exploitive contracts which ‘allow’ the syndicates to monitor the childrens’ behavior and ‘correct the problems before they occur’ to ‘minimize the chances of sickness.’

The insurance companies soak the government for billions in bogus drug charges for the Medicaid money. In response the government raises taxes dramatically while cutting / privatizing health services. Since people can’t afford the taxes OR the exorbitant rates of the new, private companies , they have to borrow more money (and mortgage their children for the interest).

The private sector will be more intrusive and strict than the government ever was – the contract outlines 10,000 ‘sick’ behaviors (ranging from ‘didn’t do homework’ to ‘attitude face’,) Any ‘bad’ thing the kid does – and the manual is 4 inches thick –  the parents can’t punish them, the companies will, for ‘violating the contract’. Penalties will either be for-profit ‘re-education Christ Camps’ or experimental drugs – and the side-effects of those drugs will of course trigger more ‘abnormal’ behavior, necessitating more drugs and etc.


FUTURE RAPPERS:

Consider stuff that has already happened in real life:  
1) rappers always brag about selling drugs.
2) rappers did all those ‘st. Ides’ malt liquour raps for ads.
3) rappers often get little ‘botique labels’ which are owned by big music corporations, but the boutique label makes it look like there’s a black man in charge, and look independent.
4) every year rappers care less about skills and more about ‘their brand’ – snoop sells limited-edition shoes, wu tang and jay-z sell ‘apparel’, etc.

In the future these trends will all converge into one mega-trend:
The line between ‘get high’ drugs and ‘socially mandated behavior control’ drugs will disappear. Liberals hail the victory for free choice of what to put in your body, conservatives will be stoked on the way only big corporate drugs are legal.
Giant drug companies will tweak one single molecule of their experimental drugs, give that ‘unique’ drug to a rapper to sell on his boutique little drug company. The rapper will say “This isn’t a corporate plot –  this is me, the drug dealer, selling you drugs, to prove I’m real!!!”  Kids won’t see it like ‘My parents mortgaged my body for medical experiments’, instead kids will think ‘Wow, it’s the new SnoopDogg Ritalin! They only made 300 kilos ever!’

 Rappers will brag that they ‘pimped the system’ and ‘forced parents to buy the drugs for the kids, because that’s how much juice I have!’.

Incidentally, the most famous future rapper will only say the names of drugs and drug companies. He will get paid 4 million dollars per word. The one-word ‘ad-raps’ will be ‘remixed’ into jingles by the fans. The fans will use dumb software to add the beats, effects, and music, basically doing all the work for the rapper. This will be seen  by ‘cyber gurus’ of the time as a huge step forward in human creativity.


DOUBLE VIRTUAL :
Today’s kids are using things like second life and world of warcraft to experience a primitive sort of ‘virtual reality’.

In the future, not only will VR become commonplace, but it will become played-out  and people will get fucking sick of it after 5 minutes!

The new thing will be “double virtual” or “double real” (nobody can agree what it’s called)  – basically kids from rich countries (China, Brazil, Saudi Arabia, Switzerland) will use computers to play games, run missions, etc. – but those games will take place in the real world, and the ‘avatars’ will be real humans (kids from the poor countries with behavior-control electrodes in their brain). This will be especially popular in Muslim countries, as you can force your avatar to have sex and drink and do all the things you are forbidden from personally doing.  Of course, violence will also be a big part of it, and pooping, as will Chinese kids making their American avatars run to the tops of tall buildings and yelling “FUCK THE GOVERNMENT! ANARCHYYYYY!!”

Unfortunately, because of all the toxic experimental drugs in their systems, American kids will often ‘malfunction’ and not do what the controlling kids want. This will lead China and Saudi Arabia to launch a $3 trillion lawsuit against American biomed companies. The biomeds will lose the suit, but refuse to pay, resulting in the first Corporate World War.

 American kids will be ‘subcontracted’ to fight on both sides.

 

15 comments Tags: , , ,

15 Comments so far

  1. Keith McX February 9th, 2010 6:09 pm

    lol @ PISSED on.

  2. freeman February 9th, 2010 7:25 pm

    super funny article!! please tell me you’re working on a sci-fi novel 😀

  3. dan February 9th, 2010 9:29 pm

    Hi Steve, you have cleverly removed all references on the Internet to what your email address might be.

    Have you heard of the book “Gimme Something Better”?

    There’s a short disgusting blurb about your old band, I think involving eating shit. Probably was the bass player.

    I have a scan of the MR&R Adjective Noun article somewhere, if you want it.

  4. Katie February 9th, 2010 11:23 pm

    I for one am old enough to still want to read decent length articles, and I was laughing my face off through this one!

    I agree with *everything* you said about blogging. Sometimes I get over 100 hits in a day (yeah, laugh it up) and put the pressure on to write a new one asap. I’ve stopped letting those spikes trick me into thinking hits are in any way controllable quantities. Only porn has the power of such dedicated viewers.

    “Liberals hail the victory for free choice of what to put in your body, conservatives will be stoked on the way only big corporate drugs are legal.” I think this should be changed from future to present tense. Egads!

  5. Arnold Discharge February 10th, 2010 3:32 am

    I came here with the explicit purpose of posting a comment: you motherfucker haven’t posted in like a week, you suck dude! ha ha ha, i am serious too

  6. Jeroen February 10th, 2010 3:40 am

    Very funny , brilliant article (and perfect background story for an epic (HBO) sci-fi / drama series). That would be perfect.

  7. M7 February 10th, 2010 11:18 am

    Fuckin’ Double-Plus Brilliant!

  8. François February 10th, 2010 10:56 pm

    Your vision of the future of music is quite frightening. It actually sounds like my supermarket, where there’s tapes rollings, TV blasting and movement sensor-linked speakers hurling their promotional speeches at the same time, plus the overall MC and “What a nice week at Summit” fucking music playing in an endless loop. Feels only slightly less bad than shopping at Bic Camera or Don Quixote.
    (BTW, I don’t know how the staff manage to keep their sanity)

    The wife hates it, but my natural reaction is to switch off as many of those sources of brainfuck as possible.

    If my kids ever listened to that in the future, that will do more than piss me off, for sure ! Well this or J, C or Kpop.

  9. Deze Nutz February 11th, 2010 2:38 pm

    Ya wait and wait for a new article and then THIS. Amazing.

  10. Anonymous February 12th, 2010 6:48 pm

    The the very real thought that shit like that could exist in the future makes me want to kill myself right here, right now.

    Anyway, great article. Looking forward to any future rants you post.

  11. szaszha February 12th, 2010 8:14 pm

    actually this didnt feel all that off schedule. somewhere in my mental rss the “check tdr” led started flashing so i checked.

    fuck all that noise about pressure for hits. good content trumps all else. there are a billion blogs out there that post multiple times daily and it’s all horse shit.

    i miss my voice recorder. so many notes to self lost forever.

    i love how you are not afraid to use the word retarded. there are billboards about that shit now. fucking ridiculous! i even searched for a link to some images and stories about the “dont say retarded billboards” but the PC police have censored the entire internet of them! if that’s not RETARDED then RETARDS have awesome sex lives. whatever.

    nice post. excellent drunken ranting as always. you should mix nigori sake with some of your stepdad’s scrips again. that was an awesome story too.

    oh yeah i told shisen to say he met one of your fans in san antonio but i dont think he understood a word of what i was saying. damn he was cute though! wanted to put him over my shoulder and take him home.

  12. Pierre-Juan February 12th, 2010 10:44 pm

    Bernard Stiegler’s works offer insightful research on the human brain’s conditionning, especially when it comes to analysing kids being constantly over exposed to this marketing psycho terrorism.A must read.

  13. Mood February 16th, 2010 11:51 pm

    Man, WRITE–A–EFFIN–SCREEEEEN PLAY!!!

  14. Steve February 17th, 2010 11:17 pm

    My economics professor always told me that, “as long as a country has people, they are capable of benefiting from Global trade.” Now I know what he was talking about!

  15. Leonardo February 18th, 2010 10:08 am

    This is outright brilliant. I am biting my lips to stop LOLing at the office.

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