Tokyo Damage Report

If I was Bill Gates

When someone mentions ARCHETUTHUS, the Giant Squid, the first thing that comes to my mind is Bill Gates. Always. It’s almost Pavlovian. I can’t NOT think about him.

I’m not saying he REMINDS me of a giant squid. I’m not drawing any simplistic ‘microsoft as giant monster’ analogies. 
I don’t hate bill gates because he is so rich. Or so nerdy.  Or even because Windows is ‘teh suxxorz’ or a monopoly. I hate Bill Gates because he’s so rich BUT HE DOESN’T DO ANYTHING COOL WITH THE MONEY. Sure, giving to charity is awesome but that’s more of a responsibility, just like earning money. I’m talking about doing shit FOR NO REASON.
Specifically, if I was Mr. Gates, the FIRST thing I would do , the thing I would do before I even BREATHED, would be throwing huge sacks of money at various pirates and telling them ‘BRING ME A LIVE ARCHETUTHUS.’ I would spend like a billion dollars before breakfast. Which I would ALSO spend a billion dollars on. I mean, this should be a NO-BRAINER. If you are a mega billionaire, you try to find the giant squid and keep it as a pet. And then you train it to squirt ‘IN YOUR FACE, TRUMP!’ in colored ink letters. Jesus, I would have thought this was OBVIOUS. Why has the damn thing not been caught yet? It’s only half a mile long! 
After that, I would spend however much money it took making the world totally surreal. Look how much damage Andre Breton and   R. Mutt, and Dali and the Dadaists did, and those fools were broke beyond belief! Imagine what a billionaire surrealist could do. Of course you’d need some kind of clandestine organization to do it so you’d have plausible deniability, but when you consider that most billionaires pay LESS taxes than 7/11 clerks, I think they know how to hide their money OK. 
So, after I had my giant squid (no, make that a COLLOSAL squid), here is what else I would do:
1)     Just use my money to bum people out. Like people where their whole hobby is based on some statistic. I would go to the lowrider contest where they have a paltry 10 foot ruler to measure how far up the cars go – and whoever gets highest is the winner. I would bring my own personal lowrider –  so big that the hydraulics would cause it to go 200 feet straight up in the air and then explode at the apogee. Then I’d be like, “OK you see that? You will never top my record, so now you got to find another hobby.”  Or  alternatively , go very LOW-tech: build a chess-playing robot that ran off a CASSETTE-TAPE drive. And its only move ever would just only keep moving one pawn forward . . .  while a video monitor in its chest-plate plays a live closed-circuit feed of the human opponent’s children bound and gagged in an undisclosed location.  OH! Another win! . . . Just ruin people’s hobbies.
2)     Build a replica of the Sphinx – but THIRTY TIMES BIGGER. And put the replica RIGHT NEXT TO THE REAL SPHINX. And the replica would have my face on it. And both paws would have the middle fingers sticking up at the original sphinx.
3)     Build another Deep Blue-type computer but instead of chess it would battle freestyle rappers. Off the top of the CPU, as it were.   All “You ain’t eleet, you just a meat bag. I’m more badass than Sweet Sweetback. Your cliché battle insults don’t work in a situation, where your opponent lacks fashion, race or sexual orientation. Get at me human!
4)     make a machine to go to alternate universes and travel to a parallel earth where everyone in metallica died EXCEPT cliff burton. Not saying they SHOULD die. Just like I would be curious to see the difference in the worldwide rocking quotient (which I would also have a machine for measuring).
5)     Since the World’s Tallest Building just closed down (in Dubai), I would buy it for pennies, then spend a BILLION dollars filling the entire thing with sausage. Just to DO IT. Have cargo helicopters hovering around it every 100 feet, with huge tubes, just pumping sausages into it non-stop. But that’s not all. Eventually the sausages would get rotten enough, and swell up, and nitrogen would accumulate, enough to make them burst. So the whole building – tallest on Earth, remember – would just fucking explode. I would have the finest cameras money could buy, ready and rolling 24/7, to record the explosion from all angles. And I would put the highlights of the explosion on a DVD which I would put on a satellite AND SHOOT IT INTO SPACE. Like saying to all the aliens, “OK BITCHES! I don’t know how they do it in YOUR neck of the woods, but on Earth? On earth, motherfuckers, we build a structure half a mile high, fill that shit with sausages, and then destroy it in a massive shower of glass, steel, meat, and nitrogen, JUST BECAUSE WE CAN. Take that, space punks!”
6)     Also I would provide free bail, no questions asked, to anyone who assaults, kidnaps, or vandalizes a DJ at a bar, club, or outdoor dance party. Providing that a) the incident is on tape, and b) they actually pull the needle off the redords / pop the cd out the changer, and make it go quiet.
7)     Have a whole floor of my mansion waterproofed and then flooded to 1 meter with 76 degree water. Just wade around all day doing everyday things like reading or drinking juice, but in a giant hottub. All typing on the computer, watching Cops, etc. also – see through walls also full of water, but with jellyfish inside. Fuck yes.
8)     the suicidal tendencies song “institutionalized” contains SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING for PEPSI. They are fucking with you subliminaly!! That is not a thing I would do. I just felt like blowing your mind.
9)     the second Suicidal album took like 6 years to come out and by the time it came out they sucked. . . the reason is supposedly because of record contract troubles. If I was bill gates I swear to god I would earmark a million dollars to find the person or persons responsible for the record label that held suicidal back. I would find them and I would kill them. I would have them killed and then flensed until their body was nothing more than a series of one inch strips of flesh. I would then take these strips and lay them onto a giant dry-erase board, spelling out the phrase DON’T FUCK WITH THE ROCK. This dry-erase board would be covered with some kind of permanent, transparent sealent and sent around to the boardrooms of all other record companies as a warning. If I had any more meat left over, as an after thought, I would get a second dry-erase board, upon which I would spell out the phrase WEST SIIIIIIIIIIIDE. This one I would hang on the wall in my all-sauna mansion.
10)  I would do this nation-wide sociology experiment, where I offer different ethnic groups FREE TICKETS to a movie, on the condition that the cameras film their reactions to it. The movie is Todd Solontz’ HAPPINESS. Italians, Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, Uptight New England Whites, Southern Redneck Whites, Bronx African-Americans, New Irish Immigrants, Vietnam Veterans, Samoan-Americans, Chinese, Pilipinos, and – why not – Australians would all watch the movie. Since it’s the kind of movie where it pushes your buttons but doesn’t give you any clue of how to react, this would be a scientifically rad experiment. Frankly I myself (slash I, Bill Gates) watched that shit by myself at home and had no idea what to do or feel when something went horrible every 5 seconds. Was that sad, funny, pathetic, gross, angry-making? But with this experiment, you could see if any ethnic group had a UNIFIED reaction to any of the taboo shit in that movie – and do the different groups have a consensus on the same shit or on different scenes? Also I would use my hacker powers to pre-empt every Oprah show with that movie on TV.
11) Build a robot that would enter the Miss America pageant (from the state of West Mechanica). For the ‘talent portion’, its talent would be ‘releasing 4Kg of sarin gas into the audience,’ killing them all within 10 minutes. Later, during the ‘swimsuit portion,’ it would activate its shoulder missiles to blast a hole in the roof, releasing the giant cauldrons of horse urine previously installed there, sending the horse urine cascading down on the  bodies of staff and spectators. Which had already died like half an hour before. The robot does the swimsuit competition by itself for some reason.
12) Hire the world’s most prominent ethnomusicologists (a real job – sort of like ahthropologists of music) to travel the world, collecting instruments – and then I would personally record a 20 CD set of THE OPENING BAR OF SMOKE ON THE WATER PERFORMED ON EVERY INSTRUMENT EVER. Starting with cave-man rocks banged against other cave-man rocks.
13) Hire some session musicians in a real studio with real equipment to re-record the entire MITB (Man Is The Bastard)  catalog, starting with “footbinding.”
14)  Ditto the GOAT-LORD album by DARKTHRONE.
15) Back to Gates, I (when I am him or something), buy The New Yorker magazine and make them change all the captions on all the cartoons to “Boners!”
16)Hire Weird Al (or straight Kim Jong Il his ass) and pay him enough money that he would do parodies of songs I ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT. Like a parody of  Burzum’s Jesus Tod or  DRI’s ‘Makes No Sense’ or  Bad Brains’ ‘Attitude,’ or, anything by Venom. Or – holy shit – what if he did a parody of some of Magma’s  space-rock-opera shit (the rock opera done entirely in Magma’s made-up space language), but the Weird Al version – Weird Al was doing a parody in HIS OWN MADE-UP SPACE LANGUAGE???? Fuck!
17 )You know when you drive down a tree-lined street when the sun is at just the right angle to shine through the trees? And if you close your eyes (ok maybe you are not driving so much as riding in the car), the sun strobe-lighting through the trees hits your eyelids and produces psychedelic patterns on them? It looks like the most complex blue-purple-red Persian rug! I would build a circular ‘tree tunnel’: a circle of paved road just wide enough for my limousine, with trees on both sides of the road, trimmed so that the branches grew up and over the road, enclosing it. I would just have my chauffer drive me around that shit for HOURS on sunny days, while I tripped balls in the back seat and came up with new ideas of how to spend my damn money. For instance:
18) Found a $30 million institute at an Ivy League college: “Institute for Dreadlock Core Sample Environmental Studies.” The scholars thus endowed would go to every major city on the planet and find homeless guys – you know the kind of homeless guy with one giant tree-stump-sized pillow of a Homeless Unidread on this back of his head? And they would have a special tool to take a core sample of it. Then back at the Institute they would list all the insects and microbes and algae in that core sample, and try to reconstruct the entire ecosystem of the Homeless Unidread. Then they would compare the ecosystems of Homeless Unidreads from different cities and temperate zones, to try to make a Unified Field Theory of Unidread Ecosystems.
19) Have my thugs straight-up Kim Jong Il Celtic Frost’s ass and make them do a cover of big black’s cover of BIG PAYBACK. All original members. I mean they can do Mexican radio but not the Godfather? Fuck that! Put all that grunting on it. I mean, that’s the connection between the two, the grunting.
20) Hire one of the best electron microscope photographers to do close-ups of rad zits. But not just any close-ups. Have the micro-camera located BELOW the zit, looking up at it like the zit is a mountain. Pay for the cameraman to go to art school for 3 years and study the work of such nature/mountain-landscape photographers such as Ansel Adams and Edward Weston, as well as the epic nature painters of The Hudson School. The resulting acne –mountain photos would imitate the composition and giant awesomeness of these classic landscape artists. And be printed like 5 by 5 feet large, and then hung in the walls of my sauna mansion. With jellyfish swimming around them.
21) Record the tuneless humming of a random child who is preoccupied with some mundane task, and just whistling or humming to pass the time. The kid would be totally absent-mindedly humming – no repeating parts, timing of each note totally arbitrary, wandering in and out of scales. Then hire a genius  composer or prog rock wizard to arrange the semi-conscious humming into a lushly orchestrated song.  More untalented the hummer = the more talent it takes to write a chord progression that makes the humming make sense. Of coruse Microsoft would write the program that parsed and quantized the humming into discrete intervals and pitches.  Perhaps this could be a contest BETWEEN composer geniuses.
22) make a piece of software that would simulate the skipping of a CD. Like you could install it on your PC or your Ipod, and whenever you played a song, you could hit a button to make it ‘skip’ at that point in the song. I don’t know if you kids are that familiar with psycho-acoustics (the science of how the brain processes sound) but CD skips are a good way to teach you about your own brain: after listening to the sound loop for a few seconds, you lose track of which was the beginning of the loop and where the loop ends. After a minute or so, you start to hear harmonics and subtle tonal things that you never would of heard if you listened to it normally. Each note in a chord becomes clear. Instruments way in the background take on a life of their own. Harmonics (not notes but the artifacts of notes) jump out at you and begin to take over your perception, to the point where the whole sound gets more and more abstract and ceases to resemble the original song at all. What I mean is, after 10 minutes you couldn’t say that it was a rock song or a disco song or whatever because the guitars / drums have ceased to sound like guitars or drums, you’re just concentrating on the harmonics and the side-effects. After about 20 minutes, you just enter a trance and get possessed by demons. I’m telling you this is all psycho-acoustic science. I think everyone should get down with a nice CD skip and/or be possessed by demons. So, this is freeware! Bundled with windows! You can choose the time when it skips, and also you can choose the increment that the loop creeps forward: how many samples it advances per play (the industry standard for digital audio is 44,000 samples per second. So if you set it to 10 samples per loop, after about half an hour, your loop would have totally new sounds in it, having gradually evolved at an invisibly slow speed).
23) Also I would build a ray gun that you can shoot it at speakers in public places (malls, convenience stores, guys with fancy stereos in cars), and it would MAKE that music skip.
24) Finally, I would offer Neurosis anything they could possibly dream of to do a  totally sincere, song-for-song cover of the entire first CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN album, in the style of THROUGH SLIVER IN BLOOD.



5 comments Tags:

5 Comments so far

  1. Dave February 18th, 2010 7:56 pm

    I haven’t even read this whole post yet, and I’m not sure if I’m capable. The one about the “Institute for Dreadlock Core Sample Environmental Studies” nearly killed me.

    On a related note, I once saw Steve Wozniak speak at a hacker conference (H.O.P.E.). He told us this story:

    Because he is a rich asshole, he does ridiculous things. One of the things he likes to do is buy sheets of two-dollar bills from the U.S. Treasury, uncut, which evidently you can do. He then arranges them into a book of perforated two-dollar bills, and uses those to pay for things. It worked well for him in terms of providing amusement until the time somebody who didn’t know who he was and thought he was full of shit called the secret service on him.

  2. Monty February 19th, 2010 2:56 pm

    Awesome, I haven’t laughed at a TDR like this in a long time…

  3. fzgig February 23rd, 2010 4:27 pm

    Not quite the same, but cool nonetheless (and it’s all DIY and everything).

  4. szaszha February 23rd, 2010 7:57 pm

    i would hire a network of black ops assassins to pick off contemporary popular music producers and artists, as well as radio and record magnates who decide what we hear on the radio and what gets on tv, one by one, leaving messages for others along the way. “stop making shitty music and we will stop the killing” or “one more song from ludacris and your children die next”.

    eventually they would all start using their talent, money and power to produce worthwhile music that didnt make you want to die when you heard it, or else they would all be dead, leaving room for good musicians and scrupulous producers to rise to the top.

    i would also bribe congress into enacting a law that any given song can only be played on the radio twice in any 24 hour period.

    oh and the skipping cd thing? i thought i was the only one who tripped out on that. rad! cds would start skipping and my friends are like “fucking skip this song its fucking up” and i’m all like “no… just listen…” but i havent done it in a while cuz practically all i listen to is internet radio.

  5. Humberto Saabedra March 3rd, 2010 8:54 pm

    Whoever you are dude, you’re the shit. This shit is bookmarked like a motherfucker.

Leave a reply