Tokyo Damage Report

homeless real estate listings

 In Tokyo, the most crowded city – where everyone is living in hamster rooms and internets on the  phone because a Sony Vaio takes up too much space. . . you know who has the massive living room?  Not the chairman of Nissan. Not the secretary of  Kawasaki.

This guy, that’s who!

 Look at him! He’s got all his stuff lined up, piece by piece, like a fucking Museum Of Natural History exhibit.

Out on the Arakawa river in East Tokyo, a man can live like a king!

 Thanks to insane  municipal fraud and public works zaniness, there’s four bridges every 3 feet :

. . . so you don’t have to give up your hopes of a rad, spacious apartment just because Mr. Lucky (above) got one good spot. There’s PLENTY left over.





OK, you say. These are pretty, but any idiot with a camera can take a picture of a bridge.

Yes, I say. But only a REALLY LUCKY IDIOT can take a picture of a bridge at the EXACT MOMENT when the sun is behind it, making it appear as if this ugly, corroded, concrete-and-steel industrial monstrosity IS HEADED STRAIGHT FOR HEAVEN.

But wait, you say: isn’t that just Photoshop’s "heaven filter" ?

Only on one picture, I say. Only on one.





 And it just don’t stop!


 Oops, forgot to turn on the heaven filter:

 Theeere. That’s better. Now we’ll get plenty of takers for this wonderful bridge-front property.  We’re only charging 2 months "key money" so you know these lots will fill up fast. Act now!


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5 Comments so far

  1. Baka_toroi March 5th, 2010 5:47 am

    Great post. “Hamster rooms” made me laugh a lot.

  2. Brian March 5th, 2010 6:43 am

    I’m actually interested in the low down on the homeless scene in Tokyo. Like how dudes can basically build a place, so long as it’s made of blue tarp, so long is its on the correct side of the river or the right section of the park. Or have you already written about that?

  3. AnokPanda March 5th, 2010 7:36 am

    If you move the page up and down it’s like you’re rising from or descending into the city (it might make a nice animated gif)
    4th pic down (or 2 of the single bridge pics) I ‘d get that one, you could so build a nest/tree house deal by placing planks or something over the gap. Plus you could act bourgeois around all the other the bums, because you got the penthouse of under bridge dwellings. And the height could offer protection from violence targeted against the homeless.

  4. Alex March 5th, 2010 8:56 am

    johnny mnemonic flashbacks…

  5. keg o beer March 7th, 2010 4:19 pm

    i was homeless for many years.mostly in stairway in winter and anyplace in can build on the rivers and they last awhile.but when they cut the grass(yearly)they kick them out.they give them like a week then come back and destroy what is left.but if you build on or around a big tree your "shack" can stay for years.i had a friend who lived in shibuya behind tower records  and he has been there for more than ten years.but now if there is empty space they but a fence no new shacks but the old can stay.but there is a 15 or more store "squat" in the middle of shibya?harajuku?once in they cannot kick you out.but if nobody is inside they will change locks to let you all know,once you get into your apartment you never have to pay.police can not do anything.thats why the yakuza do that job,i heard.never saw them or knew anyone who knew anyone who got evicted by yakuza.i slept in a tent in chiba for 3 months and nobody bothered me.i slept in okubo for 3 years and never had any trouble.once or twice i would wake up and people left can coffee or corn soup or rice balls for me.i was sleeping in steps of building one winter and a man left a card in english that said if i ever wanted to change my life he would help me find an apartment.that was his job so i do not know if he meant for free or just help me find place.but i slept there for the winter and he never bothered me.only trouble was some new half liked to take men to the stairs under me to suck there dicks,and a couple times a homeless man slept on the bottom floor and snored to much.Japan is easy to sleep when homeless.but finding food is really fuckin hard.

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