Tokyo Damage Report

I have opinions about politics!

What pisses me off the most about America's current political situation is not – as you might well assume – assholes. I know assholes have a terrible reputation, but still.  I’m most pissed off at myself for how little I understand the political process.

  How come could Bush get anything he wanted, but Obama needs a 60-vote supermajority to tie his shoe? Whether you agree with his reforms or not – why can’t a democratic president and a democratic congress do anything? Isn’t that a little weird?!? It sounds like I’m being a smart-ass, but I’m dead serious: I have no idea. YOU have no idea.  And that makes it easy to lie to us.
All politicians make campaign promises they have no intention of keeping. But in Obama’s case – to what extent is he really unable to keep his promises because democratic senators are in the pocket of big business, and to what extent is he just not trying?
 To answer this question I’d have to know how congress actually works and it turns out that I – a grown-ass man – have no fucking clue. I mean I know they vote on things  . . .but I have no idea about the committees, loopholes, and tricks that they use to hijack the democratic process and derail reforms before they even come up for a vote. They say that one or two powerful senators can block any legislation, so that even if the other 198 wanted to vote yes they could not. But I don’t know specifically where these bottlenecks in the democratic process are located. And that bugs me.

My take on the sarah palin phenomenon: she’s just as hypocritical and full of lies as any regular congressperson, but here is the thing: her constituency KNOWS that. They DO.
But her appeal is that she’s so AMATEURISH at corruption, so OBVIOUS, so NAIIVE! That it becomes ADORABLE, like watching a 2-year-old try to get their Duplo on. Honey, get the video camera! The fact that she’s so unpolished and ham-handed in her corruption means that she’s one of us, she’s pure, she’s just as discombobulated as we would be if we were to wake up on the national political stage. It’s an amazing case of two wrongs making a right. Corrupttion as naiivete. Wild stuff, my man.
Also she made her baby come out retarded by a) having a baby at an old age, and b) campaigning 18 hours a day while 8 months pregnant, c) insisting on flying home to Alaska while in labor, “So that I could have a real Alaskan baby.”  I assumed this "forced retardation" accusation was common knowledge in America, but a quick google search for “Palin made own baby retarded” got no hits.
What is wrong with you people?
Her criticizing Rahm Emannuel is like a crack mother saying don’t make fun of my crack baby you are prejudiced against crack. SHE’s the one who is prejudiced against babies because she fucked her baby up.
Anyway. Onward and upward.

The tea party people: these are the same cracker motherfuckers who stood around with a beer bottle up their ass with a yellow ribbon around it, staring with slack-jawed vacantness while Bush set up torture camps, stole an election, legalized wiretapping on all Americans, destroyed due process, fired federal lawyers for FAILING to disenfranchise democratic voters(?!?), fired scientists for reporting facts that were inconvenient, lied us into a war,  hired a former fucking cocaine smuggler (!!!!!) to establish a database on all americans’ private lives, turned 75% of the fucking military over to private contractors, and increased the disparity of wealth to a degree not seen since the robber baron days. And then a black man gets elected on a promise of cheap medical care, and all of a sudden IT’S TYRRANY. I call butthurt on the tyrranized.
First of all, you cocksuckers should be the LAST people to have an opinion about ANYTHING. Anyone – tea party or not – who supported Bush for 8 years, should spend the next 8 years saying only one of two things: “I’m sorry” and “Tell me again how wrong I was.”
That should be the entire spectrum – the alpha and omega – the  acme and nadir, the apehelion and perhelion, the fucking あ to the ん, The Aardvark to the Zebra of their opinions.
 How they have the gall to open their mouth – let alone assume the moral high ground – is beyond retarded.  I bet you my left nut AND half my pubes that 90% of these “government sucks! Defend freedom!”- yelling-ass-primates spent the entire period of 2001-2006 saying “Someone criticized Bush? They criticized the president during a time of war? That’s treason! They should be arrested for giving aid and comfort to Saddam!”
If I was Obama, I’d use the massive wiretapping system Bush installed to actually GET those people’s private emails and phone calls and webcam sex-chats – and pick up ALL their comments saying "fascism is awesome! Homeland Security! Fuck these hippy whiners!", and play it back to their fucking face. And they’d be like, “Hey it’s not nice to spy on me, that proves I’m right about big government being bad,” And I’d be like, “Motherfucker I’M SPYING ON YOU WITH BUSH’S TOOLS THAT YOU APPROVED OF! YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE PARAQUAT!!”
I saw this amazing youtube of a bunch of Florida middle-class dockers-and-Oakleys-wearing fucknuts who tried to storm in a public town-hall healthcare thing. They were specifically trying to fuck it up so that no one could have a reasonable discussion (it wasn’t the reform that bothered them, it was the possibility that people from different sides could actually talk and exchange views. That alone was intolerable!)
And the deputy said you can’t come in. And they were outraged. Outraged! That their freedom of speech was taken away! In America! How Could This Happen? Who Will Stand Up To The Tyrrany?!?  That’s what I think of when I think of tea party cocksuckers. I’m not saying that to be anti-gay. I ‘m saying that because I have a cock and they are huffing it.  If I was a woman, I’d call them munchers. Jesus, people, learn a thing about insults.

But that sort of tomfoolery is just par for the course in the 2000s. Can’t get too mad – like they say, “It’s all in the game.” However, the thing that is really unforgivable, the thing that really messes up the game itself (!!!) is this: these clowns have taken all the fun out of hating government.
In the ‘80s, it was hella fun to just yell ANARCHY BURGER HOLD THE GOVERNMENT! SAY FUCK IN FRONT OF YOUR MOM! (from the classic EP 'Peace Through Vandalism')
But now when the most rich members of society – suit-wearing pundits – AND the most privileged groups (white males) screaming fuck the government, it ruins it.
It used to be like, “Fuck Reagan! They’re going to kill us all with nuclear death machines and AIDS and Salvadorean Death Squads!!!!!”
What? It’s like how the Taliban banned drawing pictures and flying kites. They straight-up stole all the fun.
People wonder where Obama's 10 million election-campaign door-to-door-going-ass supporters are; people wonder where the Left is when we need it. I'll tell you what the fuck happened:  THEY CAN'T PROTEST ANYMORE BECAUSE PROTESTING IS SQUARE.

So even though there's still 100 things to be mad about,  you're screwed unless you want to put on a tri-corn hat.

 Maybe if Republicans started getting pink Mohawks and piercing their floppy jowls it would be at least funny, but it’s like they’re not even trying
Probably the only good thing you can say about it is that it brings back that Bloom County cartoon of “conservative college protesters” all wearing izod shirts and chanting at the cops, BASH OUR HEADS! BASH OUR HEADS! (the gag is conservatives want more authority).

It’s not that I like Democrats.
Democrats are the main reason Obama’s reforms are not getting passed – he’s getting obstructed by his own party. Any democrat who is not actively supporting big business is busy crapping their pants and saying “We only have 59 votes we can’t do anyyyyything everrrr let’s give the republicans more free juice boxes and torture camps.”
And then there’s Hendrik Hertzberg (the resident Angry Old Jewish Man at the New Yorker magazine). Dude’s columns ripping the Bush administration were fucking savage. Angry but also super smart and articulate and cutting with knife-like precision.  Made Michael Moore look like Hans Mole-man.
One of the most depressing things about Obama-era politics is hearing Hertzberg defending every single thing Obama does. This dude  who I had thought was a laser-bright light of cold logic, turns out to be just another paid political hack. And I was like a dumb drunk chick who got played because I was naive enough to think Herzberg cared about my welfare. He doesn’t. He’s just a die-hard Dem propagandist. Obama could tinkle in the guy’s yarmulke and he’d turn it upside down so he could catch every drop.

The federal reserve: perhaps the best proof that the fed IS a conspiracy is that the only people who talk about it critically are totally insane conspiracy nuts.
You can find tons of “managing your money for dummies” books that explain about banks. You can get elementary economics textbooks, too. But even if you try real hard, and manage to find a book explaining the origins of the fed or from where they get the authority to do their thing –immediately you’re in “satanic jewish banker ufo tin foil hat” territory.
And your friend says, “That book is crazy! It’s written by a conspiracy nut.”
“OK then, since you’re so normal, why do we have a fed? Is it the government? Or a private institution? How do we tell if they did something illegal? What are the limits of their power?”
“I don’t know that – I’m normal!”
The fact that no rational people are even allowed to discuss or debate these issues – that it’s beyond the pale of ‘official’ discourse – is what makes me think it really is some kind of conspiracy.

Remember when Iraqi insurgents – mostly Al Queda guys from outside Iraq – had this strategy of blowing up infrastructure?
On the rare occasions when Americans would bother to  build a water main or an electric power plant or school, these insurgents would blow that shit up toot suite. Their rationale – how crazy is this? – was “If we destroy the average Iraqi’s infrastructure enough, they’ll come around to our side! If we can keep them without hospitals, running water, or electricity for a few years, they’ll get so fed up with Americans: “They can’t protect us! They are useless!” They’ll get so frustrated they’ll turn to our side just to get rid of the Americans so that they could POTENTIALLY have medicine and water later. Despite the fact that WE are the ones that are fucking them up, in the name of them!”
Anyway, not only are Republicans copying this Al Queda playbook word-for-word, but since Obama got in, that is their ONLY strategy, at all, ever.
“Let’s torpedo all reforms, and not even bother to come up with our own alternatives. Let’s make the country as fucked up as possible, hoping that Americans are so stupid, so fucking retardeded, that they’ll blame the continued decline on Obama and reward us with a majority in congress, so that we can get back to enslaving the poor and destroying the environment with our anti-gay sludge.”
Again I assumed this al queda / GOP theory was common knowledge in America, but a google search for "republican iraqi insurgent playbook fuck buddies"  results in a link to "quotes from 'The 40 Year Old Virgin.'"

And fuck the South, as always.

Of course no politics rant would be complete without a stab at the media.  For decades people have been complaining that single events – no matter how ridiculous – are ‘news’ whereas long-term crises (which are more important and effect more people) are ‘not news’. OK. – that is still a thing.
There are like maybe 2,000 tea party motherfuckers, but 40 MILLION people without insurance. And yet 9 times out of ten you’ll see tea party people on tv, not uninsured sick people. If you were from New Zealand or something, just watching American media, you’d swear the numbers were reversed.
Fuck is wrong with you media dicks anyway?!? Even if you’re only a hack, a ‘uninsured americans’ story every night gives you a garaunteed audience of 40,000,000 viewers! That’s a sure money-maker, and still you turn your nose up?!?
Another example: anytime a conservative wants to bash Obama they’ll bring up “this program will add x amount of dollars to our national debt. These crazy Democrats!” But when was the last time you heard a reporter – unprompted – talk about how much we are spending on our 2 wars as they enter their 9th year? It’s like, you shouldn’t even discuss ANY spending unless you’re comparing it to the war debt. And it’s not like the war money is some big secret, or something only Rastafarian Maoists care about. It’s something all news-people know exists, and know it matters, and yet it’s still totally outside the hegemony?
Another thing: they’ll promote the most obnoxious voices on either party – because controversy sells. And at the same time, they’ll totally shut out any voices outside of the dems/repubs. That is the worst! Of! Both! Worlds!
If you really want scandal and sensation and shit-talking, bring in the monarchists! The anarchists! The un-reconstructed Maoists and the Aztec Sacrifice-to-Quetzcoatl Party! The Satanists and the radical anti-shoe movement and the various factions of Hollow Earth Mole Men supporters. Bring on the feudalists, the Native American chief-ists, the Technocrats (both pro- and anti-android), the Plutocrats, Negative Population-ists, the Dobbsians, and all flavors of socialists, the militias, the kkk, the Agorophobic Decay Nosebleed Party, the Samoan Panthers, the Ukranian-American Revolutionary Wheat Party, the multi-genders, the over-genders, the New Agers, the RealDoll-right-to-voters, the Constitutional Klingons, the Jews for Jesus for Allah for Doraemon.
I mean, if the media wants to trivialize politics by turning it into a horse race (as some critics suggest), who wants a race with two horses? Just purely from an entertainment/advertising dollar perspective, why not open up the field to all fucking challengers?!?  
On the other hand, if you DON’T want wingnuts making a joke of the political system, then DON’T FUCKING GIVE AIR TIME TO FUCKING WINGNUTS.
Give it to people like me, the calm FUCKING voices of FUCKING compassionate and unbiased FUCKING logic!

22 Comments so far

  1. flores March 11th, 2010 8:44 pm

    i don't know whether i am soothed with empathy or enraged in solidarity but i like it


  2. Steve March 11th, 2010 9:31 pm

    Hypocrites? Logic?!? Dude, you're harshing my mellow!
    But yeah, the hegemony pretty much ensures that anyone who protests (or shows interest in important things that shape our lives) is gonna be called out for a big hippie loser. Shit is going to have to get a REALLY bad before it gets even a little better. I mean outsourcing all middle-class white-male cubicle-jockey jobs to Brazilian robots bad.

    Also, what is sort of platform do the Over-Genders run on?

  3. kellen March 12th, 2010 4:57 am

    I, too, am enraged in solidarity.

  4. Mark March 12th, 2010 5:13 am

    Is that a fucking Van Hagar quote? 

  5. HDCase March 12th, 2010 5:17 am

    Holy shit man.  It's early in New York and I need to go to work, but this post made my day.  I'm already trying to figure out how to smuggle you, me,  and a team of anarcho-commandos into NBC headquarters and get your shit on the air.

  6. Pierre-Juan March 12th, 2010 7:53 am

    and it almost goes without saying that there was no plane crashing on the WTC that day.should be sufficient to understand to which extent the U.S. are mostly runned by the Army…and their relatives.Once you got elected you no longer belong to any of the two classic Republicans/Democrats so called political just become a puppet.nothing new under the sun.Kennedy experienced that, unfortunately…

  7. Max March 12th, 2010 12:56 pm

    You really don't know much about government, do you? There are only  100 Senators, not 200. So if 2 block a bill, there are only 98 left over, not 198.

  8. admin March 12th, 2010 6:26 pm

    @max: right you are! Only 100 senators!I like how you’re much smarter than me, yet you don’t even care that 2 powerful senators can block legislation that the others want to vote on, depriving us all of democracy. “If the 2 guys were blocking ONE HUNDRED and 98 guys from voting, that would be bad. But if they’re only blocking 98, hey, whatever man! Don’t be a pussy about it!”

    @pierre: Oh no you di’int!

    @HDcase: You might want to wait until fall. This is this ‘busy season’ for anarcho-commandos. Rates are sky-high, even if you could get a reservation.

    @mark: van hagar? You wound me, sir! Which song?

    @a7th steve: To be fair, the quality of those Brazilian robots has been improving greatly.

  9. Pierre-Juan March 13th, 2010 8:05 pm

    yes I did and I will do  it again

  10. Jp March 14th, 2010 2:34 pm

    Brings tears to my eyes. Well said senor.. you get a link to my facebook :3

  11. Pierre-Juan March 15th, 2010 6:10 am

    Jp? quien eres?

  12. Relatively Mature J Rock Fantard March 15th, 2010 10:02 am

    I enjoyed this post.
    “Let’s torpedo all reforms, and not even bother to come up with our own alternatives. Let’s make the country as fucked up as possible, hoping that Americans are so stupid, so fucking retardeded, that they’ll blame the continued decline on Obama and reward us with a majority in congress, so that we can get back to enslaving the poor and destroying the environment with our anti-gay sludge.”
    Unfortunately that seems to be EXACTLY where this is headed.

  13. Luis March 17th, 2010 7:53 am

    You are totally wrong. Among other things, we have no money to spend on health care. The Federal Reserve has been printing more money than ever before. And more money in circulation means inflation, and inflation may lead to a serious dollar crisis.
    How can we afford this ridiculous spending? The fact is, in the 1920 – 21 depression, the government did nothing. You know what happened? The economy recovered in one year. What are they doing now? Elongating the agony by bailing out institutions that should have failed. No, our economy would not collapse. It would be self corrected, like in the 1920 depression. And before you mention The Great Depression, it happened because of government intervention in the economy with Hoover.
    Obviously, you do not think for yourself and only take in what they tell you. The fact is, this health care bill is an entitlement bill for unions and any other senator that makes a deal with Obama. The bill is riddled with corruption if you haven't noticed and WILL NOT be payed for. I don't care how much you are infatuated with Obama, he is not a magician. He cannot, for the first time in history, make a government program profitable. It just can't happen. The fact is, we are in for a 10 to 15 year slow down, when we could have let everything that had to fail, fail. There is no such thing as a too big to fail bank, it is a big lie.

    And another mistake you made: blaming it on business. Again, you have it wrong. Who bailed out those businesses who are now getting sweet deals from the Obama administration? The Federal Reserve. Who supported this? Obama and his friends. It isn't the corporations at fault: its the culture in the Democrat party that says that nobody can fail and everyone must succeed.

    Seriously, educate yourself. Obama is not more than a bloated phony.

  14. DW March 18th, 2010 6:31 pm

    Re:Bush getting everything, Obama quagmired by Congress.
      I think you're overthinking it.  You don't understand the machinery of legistlation, but I'm pretty sure most elected officials do either.  (Do you really  imagine all  those cracker barrel Dixiecrats have a fucking clue about legal proceedure?  That's what Congressional aides and advisors are for.) 
      It's like our current economic crisis.  All sorts of "experts" admitted that they had no idea what was going on before and after everything exploded.  Almost nobody really understood the whiz-bang, complex financial instruments for investment these Harvard Business douche bags were creating.
      Sometimes the real answer is so simple that we overlook it.  The answer in the case of Congressional bill making (as well as with the economic thing) is that it's all a big con.  That's it.
      It's all a big con.
      Or, to put it another way, Congressional bill making isn't much more than big time deal making and deal breaking. 
      The reason why Bush could ram everything through was because it is that Republicans are fascists by nature.  Lock-step authoritarianism is in their blood.  During his tenture in congress, Tom Delay served as "The Hammer" who gave the marching orders in Congress.  And, like good, obedient Republican legistlators trained to follow the chain of command, they marched. 
      The reason why the Obama cannot get the Democrats to do anything in congress is because Democrats are a spineless and divided party.  They have no unified credo or goal.  Their consituencies are hopelessly factionalized.  And, they're cowards, thus Democratic legislators will not do anything decisive or principled for fear of criticism from anyone. 
      Obama is treating Congress like a separate but equal branch of government.  Unfortunately, Congress devolves into endless bickering and hog swapping when it is given power. 
      Bottom line, it's time for Obama to cut this Team of Rivals civics shit and start leading.  

  15. François March 20th, 2010 1:20 am

    Yet another brilliant rant.
    They should discuss your shit on fucking TV, that'll be a redeeming change of pace.

  16. Brian March 24th, 2010 11:09 am

    Are you suggesting there would not have been a war debt had a democrat been in power during the 9/11 crisis? I might believe that to be plausible based on the democrats feverish need to keep peace even if it may require us to convert to islam, rid our society of the free market system, and ban women from the public. Maybe we should just grit our teeth and bear it? A war was inevitable. We were attacked based on the founding principles of our country. Ask Obama, who realized recently that fullfilling his promise of pulling the troops out AS SOON AS HE WAS ELECTED, was damn near impossible.

  17. admin March 24th, 2010 6:12 pm

    @brian: fuck you. stick your head up rush limbaugh’s butt until you suffocate.

  18. lul-ko July 12th, 2010 8:38 am

    All right pal, made no sense to me, this whole rant of yours. Can you explain in a simple language WHY THE FUCK Americans of all people are feeling so much fucked up!! for the record, I am from a third world country. I mean jeez, you guys got food, jobs, health care, decent life expectancy but still! NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH. I never quite understand you folks!

  19. Bread July 15th, 2010 8:23 am

    @lul-ko: When people aren't having their basic needs met in life, they think "Ah, I would be so happy if only I could have the life that THOSE people have! They're such fools for taking all they have for granted!" Then once their situation changes and those needs ARE met, they find something else to be unsatisfied about. It's human nature. We're never satisfied with what we have.
    I lived for years in near-constant, crippling pain. Back then, I thought that, even if I were living under a bridge with no food I would be happy, if only I could live without pain. I thought that all of the healthy, unhappy people in the world were such fools for taking their health for granted. Now I've been relieved of my pain, and I find myself becoming unhappy about stupid things, just like those people that I looked down on back then.
    We really have a very powerful drive to improve our situations, which is probably what's allowed us to develop society so rapidly in the last few thousand years. Very, very few people are able to resist that drive.

  20. Dave September 1st, 2010 9:16 pm

    Do you mean stealing the election by getting more Electoral votes than Al Gore following the rules as they were written before the election?  Haveing the rules change after the election is what 3rd world dictators do when they loose elections. 
    IMO the election fell within the margin of error for the machines being used at the time (hopefully the currant  machines are better but we shell see I think the more computerized the process is the greater chance of that being hacked so I am not sure how to fix that.) and both Bush and Gore could have won honestly and the other side would have felt cheated.  Ideally there would be no margin of error on voting machines but since people make errors there will be errors in the election process.

  21. admin September 2nd, 2010 2:36 am

    @dave: who said someone stole an election?

  22. Dave September 2nd, 2010 4:58 pm

    I think you did in your original post if I read the rest of this bit right     "Bush set up torture camps, stole an election,"  I assume that is the election you were talking about?

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