Tokyo Damage Report


Remember being a teenager, just learning about politics, and having your parents or teachers make fun of your ideas because your ideas were too naive? “Well why don’t we just make it illegal to bribe politicians?” “Ha ha Lucy, that’s not how the world works.”
OK, fine. Kids are naive and no one likes an 18 year old know-it-all. But. Nowadays, the Dems control the white house, AND both houses of Congress. And yet all their  “gradual,”  “practical,” “bi-partisan,” “nuanced and grown-up” reforms are failing.  It takes them a whole year to adopt some half-assed regulations that are so full of concessions and loopholes they’re still to the right of rules during the Reagan years! Apart from that, nothing. WTF they are straight-up vag-ing all over the place.  And so they are going to get their ass kicked in the next election.
That’s bad, but there is a good side:
This is the one time in history when the liberals and grown-ups  absolutely CAN NOT say their usual patronizing, “Your ideas are too radical, they are not practical, stop kidding around, big people are talking,” type of BS.  They had their turn to be “mature and realistic” and they FUCKING BLEW IT.
Therefore, allow me to present some REAL solutions – in the form of a Rube Goldberg machine-slash-Dante’s Inferno-ironic-punishment factory.

Fatwa The First:
People who don’t believe in evolution and/or global warming will discover science the hard way. . . when they straight-up get shot through the LHC until they break down into atoms.
Their atoms are shot at the crotches of Catholic priests (Fatwa #2), vaporizing the groin area and scattering various parts around the floor. Corporate Polluters have to lick the radioactive priest semen off the floor (Fatwa #3), until their  hair falls out, their eyes burst, their skin peels off, and their tongues get rad-poison and swell up, killing them.
Metermaids (the useless bureaucratic fuckers!) must spend 10 hours a day hands and knees with a microscope checking each square millimeter of the floor for individual sperm cells(Fatwa #4).  They will have to fill in a line of a report for each cell. Their hands and knees will beg for mercy. Their spinal disks will rupture under the weight of their fat government fatness. And best of all – they’re off the streets. For every single sperm they mis-count, they have to fill out a separate report in triplicate, and write a ticket to the polluters. Any mistakes on the report will be punished by the metermaid’s child getting run over by a fat-cart.
I should note that the wheels of the ceremonial fat-carts are made from the skulls of fast food executives (Fatwa #5).
Anyway once the irradiated polluter tongues turn sentient and get hulked up with mutations, they are cut loose of the corpse’s mouth and made to fight the pit bulls of pro athletes (Fatwa #6).
The gambling on this event will be taxed and the proceeds used to buy plane tickets for Fox hosts.
All the Fox News kind of people who keep complaining “Obama’s America has become a tyrrany!” will get free one-way plane tickets to real totalitarian regimes, until they can tell the difference (Fatwa #7). North Korea, Kyzygstan, Burma, wherever. But knowing what a little two-faced brown-nosing, snitching weaselly fuck Glen Beck is, he’ll probably rise through the North Korean ranks until he becomes Vice Minister of People’s Propaganda or some shit. He’ll come back to America in 10 years, after my administration gets overthrown by a military coup, all talking about, “Fuuuuck, dude! Tyrrany is AWESOME!!1!!!!”
In the meantime, the planes, after dropping off Fox hosts, will make a return flight filled to the brim with exotic parasites – a sort of balance-of-trade thing.
Lobbyists (and their cousins, the ‘revolving-door regulators’) are forced to eat the famous “paradoxum worm” (Fatwa #8). The Paradoxium is a top-notch parasite which slowly and painfully eats their bodies from inside and – after it’s done feasting – it slithers out their eyeballs, cleverly camouflaging itself. In nature, the worm camouflages itself as a snail’s eye, to attract birds, but this particular variety assumes the shape of gold bars, to attract senators. 
 The senators devouring wriggling ‘gold bars’ from the eyes of dead lobbyists is broadcast on the E! network, as well as The Discovery Channel. The worms then mate in the intestinal tracts of the senators, producing eggs, which wind up in the senatorial stools. The stools are painted red white and blue by a team of experts (country and western singers, being forced to work unpaid overtime by strict Mexican illegal bosses) (#8.5), and here’s the new rule: in order to get paid, lobbyists HAVE to eat them on live TV in order to get paid. Now THAT’S transparency and accountability!
The lobbyists get a flat fee of $1,000 per patrio-turd, and a CG counter in the corner of the screen keeps track of how much they earn. Perhaps you can have a picture-in-picture of their families that are relying on them for food and shelter and tennis lessons and coke. “Please Daddy, eat one more! We need to keep our golf club membership!”
Unfortunately the turds are full of paradoxium eggs! The lobbyists wind up being consumed, feeding more senators, continuing the cycle, until both species go extinct. 
The grim results of this ‘experiment’ will be made into a book by Al Gore and Richard Dawkins – explaining the problems of environmental sustainability and the balance of nature. This book will be 9 pounds easily, and will sell no copies. This is also part of the plan.
Big oil executives will finally succeed in plugging up the BP leak – when we tie the unsold Gore/Dawkins classic (title: ‘Respect The Fuckin’ Environment, you Tardzzz!’) to their nutsacs, weighing them down, forcing them sink to the ocean floor . . .right before they take their last breath, they feel an explosive pain in their nethers, as the the leaky BP oil pipe goes right up their ass. They get filled up with gas until they explode (Fatwa #9).
Ralph Nader will invent a car that runs off the power of exploding oil tycoons (Fatwa #10).
This car will be used to run over the hands and feet of gym teachers, (from junior high to the most famous colleges)  so they can never hold clip-boards or whistles, let alone play sports, ever again (Fatwa #11). Then line them up and dump them into these 2 meter tall plexiglass tubes that they barely fit in, and can not escape from with their wretched Stephen-Kings-Misery’d limbs.  Then force-feed them creamed corn forever.

Below the gym teachers are stacked cages- too small to stand up or turn around in – full of the owners and corporate backers of factory farms. (these assholes portray themselves as Toby Keith people but in fact they foreclosed on the Toby Keith people decades ago, took farms with 10,000 hogs, and put 100,000 hogs on those farms and fuckin’ the hog poop is piling up and giving diseases to the real Toby Keith people in the surrounding middle-American small towns). Anyway the gym teacher poop will surround and eventually drown all the factory-farmers (Fatwa #12). 
The dying screams (and later gurgles) will be recorded in 8-point surround sound with the finest microphones money can buy. And the recordings will played at deafening volume to anyone who has ever made techno or house records (plus djs that play them) (Fatwa #13, #13.5) – These disco fools will first be blindfolded, strapped into Clockwork Orange chairs, and then the death-poop-gurgles will be blasted at them until they go deaf or insane or both.
The various mental symptoms they display – new types of insanity or schizophrenia –  will be compiled into a 700 page DSM manual. The manual will be slammed shut onto John Yoo and Dick Cheney’s nutsacs every time the president says the word “terrorism” (Fatwa #14) I should point out that there is a bright green button between their knees.
Once their nutsacs get so horribly swollen and distended that they stretch all the way to that button – and they will, believe me – when the sac finally pushes the button, it activates a conveyor belt in the next room, which ferries big medical companies’ executives (whose attitude is “The sicker you are, the more you will pay”) to the top of the highest diving board of an Olympic swimming pool. They need the conveyor belt because    they will have their hands duct-taped behind their backs,  and their knees duct-taped together, so they’re not so good at climbing. Anyway once they get to the top of this incredibly high diving board, they’ll be forcibly Greg Lougainised off of the end of it into a totally empty pool. Well not entirely empty – it’s 4” deep in AIDS blood. Anyone who somehow survives the head-first fall will enjoy their cracked skull quickly filling with pure AIDS (Fatwa #15). 

As they are laying there twitching and dying, all the third-world kids from South Africa, India, and Pilipines (the kids that are dying because these medical dicks won’t allow other countries to  make generic versions of their drugs) – these kids will line up on the sides of the pool and piss in it until it’s totally full. 
Then any rapper who is still rapping about rims in 2010 is gonna have to swim to the other side, through the piss and floating bodies (Fatwa #16). We won’t kill ‘em – we still have free speech after all – but they will have to swim the whole distance or get shot by snipers. Fuck’s sake, man, we have a damn black man in the white house, half of Haiti is dead, and you’re still talking about spinnas???? ALL YOU ignorant dudes get a swim.

So while Paul Wall and his friends are getting their Australian Crawl on, we’ll pry the spinnas off their cars and attach them to small cameras. These spinnin’ cameras will be aimed with pinpoint accuracy at the puckered rectums of the guys in charge of the homeland-security “data-mining” companies like ChoicePoint or lexisnexis, as well as ‘regular’ telecoms such as AT&T, BellSouth, and Verizon  (Fatwa #17).
These are the companies that Bush, Cheney and Gonzales got to spy on innocent Americans, and do an end-run around due process by analyzing our credit card reports, personal data, and other things that police and FBI are not allowed to analyze themselves: their managers won’t be killed. That would be unpatriotic. Instead, they will have cameras implanted in their butts, that record all the bowel activity. When they eat food, they will be forced to watch video feed of themselves shitting out the previous meal.  If they somehow manage to keep from vomiting, we’ll activate the rotation of the ‘spinnas’ so the pooping video anuses start to rotate, adding to the nausea! The faces they make when they try to choke down their $100 steaks and lobster and caviar – those faces will be live-fed to electronic billboards on times square AND Disneyland.
Then, Disneyland visitors can go to the newest ride: Wall Street Revenge-land!
The assholes in charge of too-big-to-fail banks, derivatives traders, Lehman brothers, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, as well as their lackeys in the white house (Paulson, Geithner, Greenspan, etc.) will be stripped naked, and hung from the roof by their veiny ankles.
Anyone who had their home foreclosed on, lost their job because their company could not get a loan, or lost their pension when the market went belly-up, gets a ladle with a long handle. They dip the ladle in these vast tureens of molten gold, and then cram that funnel straight down the banker’s ass. Then they get to dump that molten gold right into that ass. “You think money is some shit you can make up, motherfucker? You think money is a math equation of an electronic derivative? THIS is real money. THIS what money feels like. This is what money feels like when it goes up your fucking asshole, asshole! Quick, what is the equation for that?” (Fatwa #19)
Furthermore, after the bankers die, the gold is allowed to cool inside them and solidify. The banker’s body is cut away from it, leaving these golden stalactites, which will be sold as “high art sculptures” to rich art-world people (Fatwa #20).
What they don’t know is that there are big-ass plastic-explosive bombs inside the stalagtites, which are rigged to all explode at the same time, destroying the rich people or their warehouse full of pretentious art or both. In fact, I’ll be killed in that explosion as well – even though I came up with the hidden-art-bomb idea in the first place. I couldn’t help myself –those dead banker stalagtites were so fucking cool. As it turns out, I’ll be blown up mere minutes before the military invades my white house in a coup.


5 Comments so far

  1. Adam May 29th, 2010 10:18 am

    I love you, Dude.
    As soon as you get a sex-change, I want you to have my baby.  HE (or She), will bring balance to the force, and a kick in the malfunctioning brain to the Amerikan Publik.

  2. Miguel Sancho May 29th, 2010 3:56 pm

    You forgot to create human centipedes ( ) out of dozens of brain dead celebrities and force them to fight for survival.

  3. Steve June 1st, 2010 6:36 pm

    The whole time, I was wondering when the military complex was gonna get theirs, and I guess they were laying in wait.

  4. Steve June 1st, 2010 6:36 pm

    Errr…. lying in wait.

  5. szaszha June 7th, 2010 2:55 am

    spinnaface blew me away. i love how he drives a dodge caravan. i live in san antonio, tx, and everywhere you look there are these idiots who take their goofy fords and chevys with stock body and paint work, put spinners or big rims on them, then a bunch of big white letters on the rear windshield saying something like "210 swangas" or "let em hate" and call it a day. motherfucker, if you're going to drive a "custom ride" why do you let it look like my moms station wagon with big chrome wheels? you think you can just velcro a few "screens" on the back of your seats and suddenly you're awesome? not when you rip out the wiring stepping out of your "ride". 
    you look like a bunch of fucking losers! maybe you should try using your rim money to, i dont know, pay your child support? get an education? oh, wait! i forgot! you didnt actually buy the rims, you're FUCKING RENTING THEM!

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