Tokyo Damage Report

Israeli settlers, help is on the way!

Just read an article in the New York Review of Books about how psycho the Israeli government is.
The article was written before this whole 'gaza boat shootout' fiasco, but it might help explain it.  Anyway the article was rad, and so I wrote my own article and here it is.

 
Here’s how to solve the problem of  settlers:
 
Make them Palestinians.
 
You heard me!
 
If you think about it, it’s kind of a no-brainer. They live in fuckin’ Palestine. End of story.
 
The official Israeli announcement might go something like this:
 

 
Hey, settlers – You worried your neighbors want to kill you? Yeah, I’d be scared too. Here’s what you do: march down to the city hall and ask Hamas to protect you.
 
Hamas.
 
You know, your government. Over there where you live.
 
What?
 
You thought WE were your government?  
 
Seriously? Why?
 
You didn’t see that wall? That 20 foot high wall? The one with the barbed wire and checkpoints and guard towers and landmines?  You didn’t see that wall?
 
Well, take a look.
 
You’re on the . . .which side again?
 
Oh right, the Palestinian side. The no-chocolate-or-jam-havin'-ass side.
 
Anyway, so walk down to Hamas headquarters and ask them about your bodyguards. Oh, and your welfare checks? Yeah, you might want to ask Hamas about that too. Maybe you can get some of that Saudi spy money they have.
 
You want US to pay?
 
What the fuck for?
 
We don’t pay welfare for Palestinians. WTF?!
 
That’s the problem with you people: lazy. Maybe if you weren’t busy praying to Allah all day you might have time to get a job.
 
What next? You want maybe some scrumptious strawberry jam, chocolate, and creamy conditioner shmeared over your welfare check?!?
 
What’s that you say? You don’t want to live in Gaza if you don’t get the welfare and bodyguards? You want to come back?
 
Come back where?
 
You’re home NOW.
 
You want to move to Israel?
 
See that’s why we can’t get along- you Palestinians want to steal our damn land.
 
You want us to protect you? Seriously? Oh no no no, buddy.
 
That wall is to protect US from YOU, dingus!  The fuck?!?
 
You try to sneak back into Israel, we’ll shoot your ass! Probably got 3 kilos of C-4 stuffed in that big furry hat. We’re not falling for that again.
 
Don't worry though – it's not all bad. After your next-door neighbor blows one of your legs off, there's a bunch of boats full of crutches and wheelchairs waiting to deliver – oh wait, I forgot, we won't let those boats dock.
 
ZING! That's what you get for voting for Hamas.
 
Maybe you should of thought of that before you joined the other side, Lefty!
 
Oh, and also:
 
You’re now all officially Muslims.
 
Have a nice day!
 
Allah Akubar!
 

4 comments

4 Comments so far

  1. Marblehead June 8th, 2010 7:58 pm

    Wow.  Just wow…

  2. Miles June 8th, 2010 8:02 pm

    About the video: with all that state-sponsored Torah study, are there any exams? Is it possible to flunk out of being a Torah scholar? Or get, like, a D and have to take a pay cut?

  3. kellen June 9th, 2010 2:18 pm

    i approve.

  4. bla June 10th, 2010 4:30 am

    israel has pulled all settlers out of gaza a long time ago.
    the settlers are in the west-jordan land, where the palestinian government is fatah

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