Tokyo Damage Report

mp3 post: Finger Lickin’ Grout





In 1995, me and some friends made a band:  Adjetive Noun (sic), which was a hardcore punk band about smashing the system/Man/scene.  We had one song. However, despite our uncompromising war with authority, corporations, and bands-with-more-than-one-song, we had a deep, dark secret: in our spare time, we played PROGRESSIVE ROCK with KEYBOARD SOLOS and polyrhythms and lyrics about gourmet cooking.  Now that enough time has passed, I figure our reputations as "The godfathers of D-beat crust" will not suffer too much from "coming out of the prog closet." Naked.

Progressively naked.

Basically Finger Licking Grout was the nucleus of Ajetive Noun, minus our revolving-door drummers, and plus the guitarist's wife (who would go on to release a solo CD of Tori Amos-style music entitled "Jesus Free Zone.")  Anyway,   This band was myself (drums), Crow (guitar), Ange (keyboards), and Lieberman (bass). Lieberman (who went on to play in a WWII cover band in LA (not that they would cover war songs from that era – they would cover THE WAR ITSELF, pantomiming actual naval engagements from the Pacific Theatre, which the drummer would research in libraries. I believe there was also 'post-rock' involved). 

Like the last of my bands I posted (PANDA FUCKER MANIAC REVOLUTION), Grout played a total of exactly one show.

Anyway, here is the agenda of the first practice, which set the tone for the whole band:

1)  unanimously vote,  "Let's play the hardest songs ever written",

2) spend the rest of practice voting on band names. Fill up an entire Spiral notebook. (see the failed band-name list here)

3) play no notes, hard or otherwise

As a result of this inspiring, visionary first 'practice,' Lieberman, in a textbook display of  bipolar exuberance, booked us a show at a local club.

In 4 weeks.

The resulting scramble to write "hardest songs ever"  in less than the amount of time Metalicca takes to select a therapist to tell them which note to start on,  . . .this absurd, contrived 'challenge' anticipated the whole reality-TV phenomenon by 10 years, give or take. 


Somehow we came up with 5 tunes.  The tunes – odd meters, polyrythms, madd phat counterpoint and all – were the easy part. Despite the absurd deadline, we STILL spent most of each practice  deciding on band names. Some of the runners-up :












Anyway, we played our one show (with White Trash Debutantes, and a gentleman in the audience who effortlessly out-weirded them simply by screaming SLAAAYYYYYYYYYEERRRR after every single song anyone played) and promptly broke up – not because we disliked each other, the music, or even because we passed on INADEQUATE RASH, but simply because we were tired.

In other words: Having actually made the effort  to compose and learn all these crazy tunes, we, like a runner at the end of a marathon, promptly collapsed in a heap at the finish line, and silently vowed never to speak of the matter again.

Around 2001, I finally got around to making a demo of the tunes, since it was a shame to let them go to waste.   Unfortunately I cannot include the 3-foot-dildo-versus-rapier battle that took place IN FULL FENCING GEAR during the  free-jazz interlude of "Cop Show," but hopefully you will enjoy the fake, improvised cop dialogue, wherein the nameless hero(ine)s of the imaginary cop show chase the  felonious pierro Chauncey Smiles.


click here to DL the whole thingy right here!


And stay tuned for a post about FISH SUPPLY FAILING, the Adjetive Noun RAP side-project.



Word to Bob Ross filling Al Gore's enema bag with Viking ritual meat.



buhhhh here's the lyrics:


Nixon and Agnew, sitting in a tree

Allah, grouper
Vishnu, mullet
Buddha, trout

Mall, cancer
Prom, aids
Kegger, gout

Metal, mucous
Techno, smeg
Country, crock

Hitler, crack
Stalin, smack
Pol, pot

Finland, femur
Spain, spleen
France, ass

Big, ass
Seismic, ass
Mammoth, ASS!!

Allah, grouper
Vishnu, mullet
Buddha, trout

Middle, finger
Booty, lickin’
Tasty, grout!!!

monotreme / WHISKEY MOMMA

Why is it that when a robin lays eggs it’s cute but when I do, I’m just one of God’s mistakes?

When you
See my bill, like a bird, but you don’t, like my  fur,
warmer blood, say it’s wrong, I don’t fit, don’t belong….

Fuck you!
Do I not, nurse my young? On the milk that I sweat? 
Do I not carry them in my pouch: safety net?
Still you say, I’m a threat?

Blow me!!


Spiny echidna supreme
Oviparous monotreme

I don’t need no stinking placenta
And you know why?
I’m a spiny echidna

I’m a
Monotreme, reign supreme, I don’t eat Ovaltine
Noshing ants, noshing grub, you reach out, try to hug, but you pull, back a nub

That’s right!
Cus I got, all the spines, no it’s not Hammer Time,
Long bill or, shorter beak, Echidna’s not a freak, other mammals, you placentals:
Just weak!!


Spiny echidna supreme
Oviparous monotreme



I  eternal lie
In dreamless sleep
Who performs the ancient rites?
What sacrifice awakens me?
From the deep
As I rise
I’m unleashed
Check it out!!



My tentacles unfurl
Clutch six billion souls
Hatchlings grow strong and virile
You are hurled to hell below
Still I grow
Engulf the world
 For evermore
I’m the shit!!



“I summon you
Rise from your tomb
Now, now it’s time
Take humankind
They laugh at me
At my theories
Now they will learn
We must return
Back to the sea
Oh elder god
Long forgot”

Rise from the deep

Who’s to blame?
What is your name?
“Thor Heyerdahl!”
You’re insane!


What characterizes all successful appetizers is visual power, intriguing textures and aggressive flavors that heighten everyone’s eagerness for later gastronomic triumphs.
curried lamb coins
flavor profile
we call the sauce that accompaies the dumpling ‘southwest ketchup’
new wave garlic bread
remove the loin and keep it warm in an oven while the eggs keep on cooking
accompany this with ‘pollenta madness’
chickpea corea
spice gravel axe with mango salsa
even the most restrained guest won’t be able to resist climaxing underneath the pastry
lay a piece of ginger at the base of each side of napoleon
herb infused broth
scrub the crabs and mussels, pulling away the beards..
12 comments Tags: , , ,

12 Comments so far

  1. Waldo August 27th, 2010 11:07 am

    I like Five Asses of Grendal.  Not sure if it's better.
    How many of these old bands do you have?  If this site becomes home to loads of cool music as well as crazy Japanese shit I might never leave.

  2. sephim August 28th, 2010 5:26 am

    'Monotremes' kicks the ass of the "other" song of its kind by that Mr Bungle band of their second album being called Disco Volante which is titled 'Platypus'…

  3. Hugh Codding August 28th, 2010 12:11 pm

    I thought "Hans Hindu Anderson" and "The Enema Howard Jones" made it to the finals for band names

  4. zach August 29th, 2010 8:51 am

    Holy crap 4 weeks? I feel extremely lousy about myself

  5. Miguel Sancho August 30th, 2010 11:34 am

    Lieberman was Jonny from Ruthless (before he freaked out)?

  6. Hugh Codding August 31st, 2010 9:11 am

    Jonny also fought Svalbardian Ice Pirates with Magnus Ver Magnusson (the world strong man…not the dude from BBC's Mastermind) while Amy Tan was teaching him how to write in Prague.

  7. admin August 31st, 2010 10:37 pm

    @miguel: yes, it’s the same Jonny. What Hugh Codding is talking about is, we did a rock opera about him – he did all those adventures in the opera.

  8. Hugh Codding September 1st, 2010 9:24 am

    I like to think Amy Tam really taught him to write and that's what qualifies him to be a writer or editor at Motor Trend.

  9. Cobras September 15th, 2010 4:00 pm

    You blew it when you passed on The Five Asses of Grendel, just sayin.

  10. Tokyo Damage Report » The Choosening March 20th, 2011 3:38 pm

    […] in  1995, we were trying to think of names for the band which was to become FINGER LICKIN' GROUT. Last week we randomly found the 3-ring binder full of failed band-names. Here they […]

  11. Phen375 August 9th, 2013 5:03 pm

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  12. AaronFromToronto January 14th, 2018 11:16 pm

    Sounds like Thinking Plague after six days of sleep-deprivation experiments. (That’s a compliment.)

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