Tokyo Damage Report

mp3 post: Adjetive Noun (sic)


download 4 live shows and an audio interview, all bundled together.

Adjetive Noun was my only band that performed live more than once! 

Everyone knows that all hardcore bands sound the same, and that hardcore bands are supposed to rebel against authority. Adjetive (sic) Noun was born when I realized that by taking these two trends to their logical extremes, something rad would happen: a hxc band with ONLY ONE SONG. Since our songs all sounded EXACTLY the same, with NO  deviation from the hxc formula, that would automatically make us the hardest core band of all time – which would, in turn, make us the most political. It's fucking MATH, you can't argue. Bands with more than one song are just ROCKSTARS and SHOWOFF WANKERS.

The Noun formed in Santa Rosa, in 1994, with me (vox), Kerb-dog (bass), Lance (drums) and Crow (guitar). We released a cassette demo called DEAD VICTIMS OF A NO-GOOD SOCIETY . . . OF DEATH!, then dropped Kerb-dog like a feculent sponge, and got Jonny Lieberman on bass. Other guitar players would substitute on occasion – Kocol and Nick (from A Joke). But basically that was it.

We played 39 shows, released the same exact demo two more times (changing the title to NEW-JACK CORPORATE ZOMBIES and then to B@NK OF AMERIC@), and then we broke up in 1998 because no one would give us shows, the posers. I suppose you could say, "If you were REALLY hard-core DIY, you would of put on your own shows." But with who? Who could possibly deserve to stand on stage with us? Who could withstand our political and social assault? Or our music, for that matter?

Also, "Adjective" is spelled without the 'c' because 'c' stands for CORPORATE.

At the time we all thought our gimmick was just hilarious (even though the era of serious preachy MDC punk had passed years ago), but since we broke up, I have found more and more bands that did our gimmick before we did it. To be fair, here's an (incomplete) list.


Mel Brooks: "Twenty-Two Men Fell Down And Hurt Their Knee" – this was a subroutine of his "2,000 year old man" routine, where no matter what the audience / interviewer would request, dude would be like "OK, sure, here we go" and then play his one song: "Twenty-Two Men Fell Down And Hurt Their Knee".  That was the whole bit. "Play a song about Nixon!" "OK sure. . . big dick nixon hurt his knee, big dick nixon hurt his knee…." I guess It's funnier if you hear it.

The Pop-O-Pies: only did Grateful Dead's "Truckin'" over and over and over.

SWA: had many songs, but on the "We got power 2" comp, they had an hilarious parody of political hardcore, by playing a thrash version of 100 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, where each bottle of beer (i.e. each verse) was presented as a new and different hardcore song.

And of course, the single best piss-take on political punks EVER: Sam and Joe's SAVE THE FUCKING CHILDREN song off the "fear of smell" comp.

If you can think of any more bands that did the same gag, please leave a comment.


Now here's some pictures:





THIRD DEMO: (designed by Jonny)





in the mid-90s in the bay area, there were "political bands" who would protest other bands for "selling out" and picket out side their concerts. Not to be outdone, we made the following flyer to protest ourselves:


below, an interview from MRR #165:


. . .and here is an unpublished interview from the very beginning of the band. I think it was just me and Kerb in his sausage-smelling room in Santa Rosa. Kerb had this rad technique for answering cliche 'punk zine' -type questions: he'd flip through random MRRs or Flipsides and pick out another band's answers at random, then recite them verbatim. That was just one of the reasons this is unpublished until now. Frankly most of the genius bits of the interview are because the interviewer was funny.





Here follows a list of all our songs AND all our gigs. Since we only had one song, the process of making a setlist would go something like this: 1) arrive at show, 2) five minutes before showtime, realize we had no songs, 3) frantically scribble some topics on a napkin. in most cases the napkin was rendered semi-illegible by sweat but i copied down what song titles i could still read.
Also: a good portion of these songs are audience members coming on stage and doing their own rants. Your guess is as good as mine.
Society Sux!
Racism, Sexism, Homophobia, Anti-Semitism, Looks-ism, Handicapped-ism, Capitalism, Communism, Gun     Control, Welfare, Environmentalism, Black People, White People, and the First Amendment all               Suk!…. Oh, And The Indians
Greenwitch Mean Time Sux!
Squat Singing Sux!
Mother Theresa Sux!
Crab Nebula Sux!
Mitochondria Suk!
Human Rights Suk!
Dio Sux!
Good Golly Hugh Codding
People Who Listen This Far Suk!
Late Cretaceous Era Sux!
Ubangi Children Clashing With Versache Pants Suk!
Pythagorean Theorem Sux!
Punk Rock Sux!
Ailerons Suk!
#1         “FIRST GIG”                      OCTOBER 19, 1994          CAFE THIS, SANTA ROSA
Cafe This Sux!
Rollins’ Tattoo Sux!
Jason Kelly Sux!
Arranged Marriages rule
Amazon Rainforest Sux!
Dr. Dre’s Sense of Smell Sux!
#2         “TINTIN SHOW”                DECEMBER 16,1994        CAFE THIS, SANTA ROSA
Captain Haddock Sux!
Professor Calculus Sux!
The Thompson Twins Suk!
Blitzen Sux!
The Rich Suk!
The Poor Suk!
My So-Called Life Getting Canceled Sux!
Connie Chung Would Make A Crappy Riot Grrl
I was in costume, of course. This was the first in a long line of "regular gimmick plus extra gimmick" shows – we were already getting bored of our own schtick at our second show.
#3         “NEW BAND NIGHT”      APRIL 7,1995                    GILMAN ST, BERKELEY (audio)
Olivers Suk!
Gilman St. Sux!
Stuff Sux!
we reckoned that we'd be – not the best band, but at least the weirdest – but we actually got totally housed by this two-piece: drums and guitar, in ski-masks, that did happy-flowers-style noise, but then suddenly busted out a music stand and sheet music and performed a lovely rendition of SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW  . . . before rolling around on the ground and going back to noise.  I think their name was in Latin. Anybody remember these guys?
#4         “NO THEME”                    MAY 26, 1995    PHOENIX THEATER, PETALUMA
Petaluma Sux!
Galilleo Sux!
Rayanne Sux!
Skateboarders Suk!
Fugazi ‘cover’
I think the fugazi cover was mixing "suggestion" with Aerosmith's "walk this way,"  – if you listen to them it will become apparent that they are basically the same exact song (politics aside, of course). We'd use this "deconstruct music by showing how it sounds like the idiologically opposite music"- style of mashup a few more times before we were through.
#5         “ADJETIVE TROUT”         MAY 27,1995     CAFE THIS, SANTA ROSA
Salmon Suk!
Flounder Suk!
Herring Suk!
Jesus-Fish Suk!
Kill Whales
‘Ococineleius Suk!’ (freestyle by The Skipper)
‘Fish-Sticks Suk!’ (freestyle by Lance)
No costumes this time. . . .or were there fish-pattern pajamas? No, if I think about it, I had this marvelous polyester TROUT SHIRT, which spawned (hehn) the whole idea for this show.
#6         “OPENING UP FOR ASSFORT” JULY 23,1995         PHOENIX , PETALUMA (video)
Swaddling Sux!
Sonoma County Fair Sux!
Robert Smith Sux!
Good Golly Miss Polly!
That's right. In Petaluma.
Atheists Suk!
Bhuddists Suk!
Born-agains Suk!
Jews Suk!
Catholics Suk!
Goddess-Worshippers Suk!
Lutherans Suk!
Mormons Suk!
Atheists Suk!
Satanists Suk!
#8         “SIESTA GRANDE”                       JAN 21,1996       EPICENTER, SAN FRANCISCO (video)
Proposition 187 Sux!
Epicenter Sux!
Boycott Epicenter
Stalagmites Suk!
Bands With More Than One Song Suk!
Ruminants Suk!
Mnemonics Suk!
The Information Highway Runs Straight Up My Butt
“ ‘4’ Sux! Cus It’s A Very Inaccurate Version of Pi” (freestyle by Dave Cerf)
Hunkering Sux!
this is the only show we ourselves put on. Our version of slap-a-ham's "fiesta grande." Everyone in the band wore pajamas, and we arranged the couches to form a circle pit, where people could get their horizontal mosh on. The video of this event was rad because it ended with one of the couches stage-diving directly into the lens.
#9         “OZZY SHOW”                               FEB 23,1996                      GILMAN AGAIN                           (audio)
The Oscars Suk!
“The Sun Sux!” (audience freestyle)
Thor Heyerdahl Sux!
J-Church Sux!
J-Church Sux!
J-Church Really Sux!
Cold Pricklies Suk!
Skorts Suk!
People In The Back Suk!
Ajetive Noun Sux!
Mariannas Trench Sux!
Purple pleather pants and fringe jackets. I guess White Flag pioneered the idea of dressing up as dinosaur rockers to irritate punks, so hats off. I forget if I was pretending to be Ozzy, or simply dressing as him, oblivious to how inapproprate that was.
#10       “ST. PATRICK’S DAY SHOW”       MARCH 17, 1996             CLUB 96, SANTA ROSA
St. Patrick Sux!
Shillelighlies Suk!
Lucky The Elf Is An Uncle Tom Bastard
Roman-Catholic Tonsure Sux!
A.F.I. Sux!
All-ages Clubs Suk!
Wack MC’s Suk!
People That Don’t See The Opening Act Suk!
Harbors Suk! (Stump-The-Band Request from audience. STBR for short)
#11       “AJETIVE NOUN UK”                     MARCH 23,1996                            GILMAN ST. BERKELEY (audio)
War Sux!
Peace Sux!
Bloody Yanks Suk!
Portnoy Sux!
Event Horizons Suk!
“Smash The Bloody System!!!!”
Pat Buchannan Soul-Kissing Ice Cube Sux!
Bibs Suk!
The Queers Suk!
English accents and yelling about the bloody Queen. Pure conflict/ crass / exploited style parody. WHO WANTS TO SMASH THE FUCKING SYSTEM?  (cheers from audience)
*suddenly pointing to random cheering kid* "OK then, smash it!"
*kid looks confused*
"Smash it now, you wanker!"
*kid starts stomping on the floor*
. . . .and then getting the doorman to open the door and "check if it's still there."
also we were opening up for the Queers, our first time to get a gig this big. So we spent most of the time making fun of them, their fans, and pointing out that "You have to sit through us to see the Queers, you poxy Yanks! Ooh, don't leave nowwww, you're gonna miss the Queeeeers!"
#12       ‘CATHOLIC BAITING’                    APRIL 19, 1996                 USF, SAN FRANCISCO
Ska Sux!
Irish People Suk!
USF Sux!
Pope Clement I Sux!
Furlongs Suk!
Portmonteau Words Suk!
“Shifty/shiftless” Sux!
St. Ignatius’ Church Sux!
Bushwick Bill Rules
Fjords Suk!
USF is a catholic university, so we stuck it to them all martyr-style.
#13       “DAY IN THE SUN”                         APRIL 27, 1996                 SSU, SONOMA (video)
Cossacks Suk!
Swaddling Sux!
Tommygun Suk!
Smash The Dewey Decimal System!!!
Breast Implants Suk!
Orifice Discrimination Sux!
Ricky Lake’s Wooden Leg Up Shaquille O’Neal’s ass Sux!
Hugh Codding Sux!
“Beer Laws Suk!”
“The Sky Sux!” (audience freestyles)
outdoor concert at fake college.
#14       “SIREN PRANK”               JUNE 22,1996                   PHOENIX THEATER, PETALUMA  
Siren Sux!
Siren were the unwitting Lex Luthors to our Superman – a very PC band from our town who liked to kick other bands "out of the scene" for various infractions – they'd lecture their audience and then punish people that broke rules – which made sense, since the singer was a teacher by trade.  As it happens, our bassist's bosom buddy's band (TOMMYGUN) was opening up for Siren. And we snuck in the back, changed into Siren's trademark suits and ties, and I fashioned a replica of the singer's hairstyle out of construction paper. As TOMMYGUN were about to play their last song, "Siren" ran on stage and kicked them off, saying that they were not punk enough to be allowed to play with us, and they were terrible rockstars who ate hamburgers. Having commandeered their instruments, I (Siren's singer) pointed to the kids in the audience as if they were in my high-school class: "You! You don't have enough patches! 3 days detention! You in the back with the  Rancid t-shirt! One week suspension!  Fifteen year old girl! You're just terrible! See me after class! "  . . . .annnnd so on. Then we magically transformed into Adjetive Noun and played Siren Suxks, and left. 
#15       “NO THEME”                    JUNE 25, 1996                  EL NIDO TEEN CENTER
1981 Cabernet Sauvignon Sux!
1979 Pinot Noir Takes Away My Rights!
El Nido was rad – the "teen center" was tiny room in a  predominantly Latino town of not more than 3 buildings. . . next to a meth lab. When we showed up the meth lab was on fire.
#16       “TAG TEAM SHOW”       AUGUST 30,1996             EL NIDO AGAIN
The Tommygun Pants Suk!
Tyranny Sux!
Democracy Sux!
Tom Petty Sux!
Lazy Susans Suk!
The Strong Nuclear Force Sux!
Heroin Rules
Million man March Sux!
The Decadent, Bourgeois El Nido Teen Center Stage Sux!
“These Fags Suk!!” (9 year old kid freestyle)
We played with Jonny's friend Nick's band, TOMMYGUN again. Since Siren wasn't around, We'd take turns kicking each other off stage. "Get the fuck off! You guys are terrible. Give me that guitar! Give me those drums! I'll teach you how to fuckin' rock, you douche-fruit!"
#17       “HIPPY SHOW”                              SEPTEMBER 28, 1996                     GILMAN AGAIN (video)
Gerry Garcia Rules
Capricorns Suk!
Paul Simon Rules
Scenesters Suk!
Biblical Sandle-less Guys Suk!
Doors-Sex Pistol Medley
Mark Klaas Sux!
Audience Sux!
“Audience Sux! Again” (crowd freestyle)
Possibly the best show. I got literally cubic yards of thrown-away flowers from San Francisco's Golden Gate Park (day after they pruned their gardens, I guess), and we all dressed up as hippies and taunted the audience about how they were all "uptight, man" and how they should "fucking mellow out."  Also a theme: hippies are great, and punks are terrible. Although we were still playing our usual thrash music. All that wasn't even the main gimmick – it was all a set-up. The real prank came when I started throwing flowers at the enraged youths and – in response – they would throw the flowers back at us. Then I said, "You claim you hate hippies but you're throwing flowers, you hypocritical punk pussies!"  Also, we played a medley of Sex Pistols' SUBMISSION and the Doors' HELLO I LOVE YOU, to mathematically demonstrate that punks is all a bunch of hippies. Because as it turns out, both those songs are THE EXACT SAME NOTES.
#18       “NEW UNIFORMS”                        NOVEMBER 21, 1996                    PHOENIX
You Suk! For Not Boycotting Us
Noam Chompsky Sux!
Smash The Solar System!!!
Sex Sux!
Depends Adult Undergarments Suk!
Natalie Merchant Sux!
Janet Reno’s Ass Up Mykel Stipe’s Eye Sux!
“Bowel-Opening Peppers” (audience freestyle)
Non-English Speakers (STBR)
Russian Freemasons (STBR)
Jonny, in one of his bipolar moods, ordered the whole band custom safety-orange work shirts with our names stitched on the front. Not to be outdone, I demanded that we all make punk patches to festoon the shirts. The patches were made of SILK. We wrote our own slogans on them – FOOD AND BOMBS,  THE MAN BOO!!!, and so on. Lots of imaginary band names. Anyway, this show marked the debut of our new gear.
#19       “ADJETIVE BRIS”                                          JANUARY 25,1997           CLOYNE COURT, BERKELEY
Yentas Suk!
Bosses Suk!
Shrinks Suk!
Fiddler On The Roof Sux!
Cloyne Sux!
Krauts Suk!
Noah Sux!
You! Mister! You Suk!!!
Placentas Suk!
Ebonics Suk!
Jello Teaching ESL Courses Sux!
Eskimos Suk!
“The Noun Sux! For Picking Bagels rather Than Lighter Foods Like Uh, Fritos”
“Skinny White Guys Suk!” (audience freestyles)
Our only show where we had a contract – we'd only play this college dorm party if they provided us with hockey masks and giant 50-gallon garbage bags full of stale bagels. We all showed up in cheap suits, and launched into our most audacious gimmick yet: A WHOLE SET BASED ON THE  BORSCHT-BELT ATTACK COMEDY OF JACKIE MASON.  Since we had brought our OWN bags of stale bagels, there must have been over 100 pounds of the things, as sharp and dangerous as the rocks hurled by Palestinian kids. So – instead of doing the usual "This is a song about US involvement in Central American drug cartels" spiel, I'd do a Jackie Mason bit in my atrocious Yiddish accent, and then we'd play our one song, while throwing these deadly bagels. The audience was possibly the most drunk audience in our brief career, and would throw the bagels back, full-force, from maybe 5 feet away. Hence the hockey masks. If you can imagine Jackie Mason in a hockey mask. The dorm staff was now faced with a full scale food riot, and tried to put matresses to cover the windows which were behind where we were playing. Someone's bagel bounced off the drummer's football helmet and through the top part of the window. That's all I remember, the rest was a blur.
#20       “CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP”                 JANUARY 31,1997           GILMAN
Sellouts Suk! (brought to you by money)
Womens’ Self-Defense Rules (brought to you by the Marines )
Mainstream Music Sux! (brought to you by Rolling Stone)
Gilman Sux! (brought to you by New Coke)
Ozone Depletion Sux! (brought to you by Camel Cigarettes)
Homophobia Sux! (brought to you by the FBI)
Sexism Sux! (brought to you by pornography)
Corporate Welfare Sux! (brought to you by McDonalds)
Racism Sux! (brought to you by Snausages)
West Coast Rap Sux! (brought to you by Kotex)
Meat Rules (brought to you by meat)
Humvees Do something
Jello Teaching Ebonics Sux!
after every THIS SUUUUCKS!!! spoken-word rant, and before the "1-2-3-4!!" count-in, I'd throw out a bunch of free samples of whatever we were protesting.  MacBurgers were flying, shedding their greasy wrappers as they went. After the Marines Suck song, I threw out maybe 10 pounds of recruiting brochures which I had gone to the recruiting office to get. They really try to give you more than you can carry over there.
#21       “ON STRIKE!”                                  FEBRUARY 8,1997            EL CERRITO EAGLES’ HALL
Mondale Sux!
Tibor, the Ajetive Noun Blimp Driver Sux!
The Ineffable Sux!
Parapets Suk!
Grapes of Wrath Suk!
Lozenges Suk!
Traitors Suk!
Scabs Suk!
El Cerrito Sux!
“Adult Swim Sux!” (scab freestyle)
Taking the politics up a notch, we did a set where, every couple of songs, one of the band-members would go On Strike – either to protest US involvement in central america, or they'd go on strike because I was such a rock-star dictator who got his own tour bus and everyone else had to ride in one smelly van. Then I'd recruit someone from the audience to take their place. Of course the audience people had never heard "the Song" before but they faked it enthusiastically. Meanwhile, the striking band members would scream, "Fucking scab! Strike-breaker! Fucking scab fascist!" from the audience. Eventually I myself went on strike and the whole band was random people.
              SAN FRANCISCO (video)
our only non-musical performance. For some reason, rock promoter Billy Graham decided to bribe the San Francisco politicians to give him a "rock walk of fame" – basically a Hollywood Stars type of famous-people-engraved-in-the-sidewalk deal. In front of the local Opera House. WTF. Even more silly-  there were only 3 stars! Even sillier: one of the stars was Graham himself!  So one fine day at around 1 PM, we all went, in our matching shirts, and peed on the stars. I think I peed on Graham, and someone peed on Carl Santana, and the drummer vomited on Metallica, and one of the lesbians from the Hothead Paisan show videoed the whole thing. (of which more later)
#23       “KILTS APLENTY”               MARCH 29, 1997         EDINBURUGH CASTLE, SF   (video)
Edinburgh Castle Sux!
Library Cops Suk!
Guys Who play Saxophone In GG Park Suk!
Heaven’s Gate Rules
That One Guy With A Mohawk is A Narc
Easter Sux!
Rock-n-Roll Hall Of Fame Sux!
Counting Crows Suk!
That Other Kid Fucked My Mom
Cabers Suk!
That Kid’s A Hessian
The Rest Of The Audience Looks Like Cyndi Lauper
…Plus The Guy In Back Wants To be In Smashing Pumpkins
Female Genital Mutilation-Good Golly Miss Molly
Playing a Scottish bar in kilts. This was one of the first gigs where the bassist would refuse to play certain songs, instead donning a black ski-mask and clenching his fist in a Black Power salute for the whole song, without any explanation. Also one of the first gigs where I'd accuse random people in the audience of being "narcs" for "The Man" and do songs about them.
Sonoma County Sux!
Methamphetamines-Lionel Richie Suk!
Golgi Apparratus Sux!
Headwaters Forest Sux!
My Dear Aunt Sally Sux!
Tupac Amaru Movement Are Studio Gangstas
100th Monkey Sux!
Pirates Of Penzance Suk!
Mongolian Throat Singers Suk!
Lambchops Sux!
Freedom Rock Sux!
Not sure where this tape is. Fuck!
#24       “STEPHEN HAWKING SHOW”      APRIL 5, 1997                   CLOYNE, BERKELEY (video)
Asymptotically Simple And Empty Spaces Suk!
Scientific Determinism Sux!
Gravity Sux!
John Taylor Sux!
Hyperactive Retards Suk!
White Guys Going Out With Asian Chicks Way Out Of Proportion
              To The Number Of Asian Guys Going Out With White Chicks     Sux!
Einstein Sux!
Imaginary Time Sux!
Schondigger’s Cat Sux!
Your Mama’s Fat Ass Sux!
Entropy Sux!
God Sux!
Moshing Dorks Suk!, Which Means You, Asshole!
Leptons/Falco Suk! (STBR)
Berkeley Sux!
Heckler/Eric Clapton Suk!
Neutrinos Suk! (STBR)
The Naked Saxophonist Song
Another gig at the UC Berkeley dorm. I came in, in full Stephen Hawking drag, with all my "vocals" pre-recorded on a tape player with "robot voice". The microphone was then hooked up to the tape player which was hidden in my lap. This would of been one of our best sets (potentially) but some drunks started wrestling/making out right in front of the band, creeping out everyone in the audience and hella people left. I should have – in retrospect – stood up and told them to fuck off, but I was determined not to "break character."
#25       “HOTHEAD NOUN”                       APRIL 11, 1997                 BEARDED LADY, SF (partial video)
Breeders Suk!
Catholics Suk!
Bearded Lady Sux!
Whitney-Janet-Ellen Suk!
Tracy Chapman Sux!
Mo Sux!
“Ed Wood Sux!” (Lance freestyle)
Anyone Butcher Than Me Sux!
Anyone Femmer Than Me Sux! Too
open mic night at a lesbian bar? We're there! In costume as Hothead Paisan.
#26       “PUNKER PARTY”                          APRIL 25, 1997                 GLEN’S HOUSE, SANTA ROSA
Vomit Sux!
Government Rules
White People Suk! (I! Am! Farr-a-khan! nananananan-na-na-nAAAAAAAH!!)
Tuna Fish Salad Sux!
Kelly “Loggins” Sux!
Pantera Suk!
Poets that Ruin It For Everybody Suk!
If You Were Real Punks, You Wouldn’t Pass Out Until After We Play
Women In The Pit Suk!
“Our Next-Door neighbor Sux!” (Glenn Freestyle)
Garage at a suburb house in Santa Rosa. Most people had already passed out by 10 PM. Santa Rosa is sad.
#27       “SIMPSONS SHOW”                      MAY 2, 1997      SSU, SONOMA
Bart Sux!
Homer Sux!
Moe Sux!
Flanders Sux!
That Kid’s Acne Sux!
Bracket Sux!
Principal Skinner Sux!
Headboard Sux!
Dr. Nick Sux!
Cleetus/That Guy Sux!
Stop Signs Suk! (STBR)
Steve Not Getting Any Sux! (STBR)
I was in a bad mood and kept unplugging the guitarist and bassist during the songs. Turns out, one can blow a whole amp by doing that.
#28       “GEEKFEST”                      MAY 18, 1997                  RICHMOND “BEACH”
Poser Geeks Suk!/ My Plus Three half-Orc Ranger
Exxon Valdeez Rules
That Guy’s A Poser Jew
San Rafel Bridge Sux!
The Monetary Value Of The Planet Sux!
Danish ‘abandoned’ Kid Sux!
Ravers-Next-Door Suk!
New Football Stadium Sux!
“Feedback Sux!” (audience freestyle)
Government Suppression Of New Technology Capable Of Zapping Shitty Bands From Space Sux!
Geekfests were these free open-air concerts of terrible bands which necessairly took place on toxic waste dumps around the Bay Area, where the local authorities didn't really give a shit. Next to our punker-party was a raver party, so we spent most of the time making fun of them: THEIR MUSIC IS DIFFERENT THAN OUR MUSIC! THEIR SPEAKER CABINETS ARE DIFFERENT COLORS THAN OUR SPEAKER CABINETS!!! THEIR RELATIVE PANTS-SAGGINESS IS DIFFERENT THAN OUR PANTS-SAGGINESS!!! DOWN WITH THEM! and so on. After we finished making fun of ravers and most of our own audience, the rest of the band left, but I stayed behind. Then Hickey showed up and started playing, and they ALSO heckled the audience. I ran up and started yelling, YOU'RE STEALING OUR BIT! THAT'S OUR BIT!!! Of course, Hickey, who had not seen our show, had no idea what I was talking about, and threw beer at me. Little did they know we would meet again.
420 Sux!
Metallica Suk!
George Bush Sux!
George Washington Sux!
Short-Term Memory Loss Sux!
Bob Marley Suk!ed Until I Shot Him
Hemp Fest Sux!
Free The Underwear Buddies!!!
Jerry Garcia Sux!
Hickey Sux!
Our friend had somehow gotten us on the bill at the annual Hemp-Festival. I didn't even know there was such a thing. It was terrible. They made the punkers play around half a mile from the "real stage".  Of course the festival was on April 20th. 420 DUDE!  And so I decided to use this opportunity to show everyone that April 20th is HITLER'S BIRTHDAY.  I painted 2 bedsheets. One had a giant nazi flag with the swastika being replaced by a giant pot leaf with the "arms" twisted. The other sheet just read 4/20 IS HITLER'S BIRTHDAY. WHY DO YOU CELEBRATE HITLER??????   Unfortunately the dudes holding the sheet with the text got bored after the second song, so the majority of the festival-goers, their eyes too red to make out the pot leaf on our nazi flag, assumed we were actual nazis, and got supper bummed out by it.  Hickey played this show as well, and this was their first impression of the Noun in action. They quickly made their OWN banner – something like "S.F. METHAMPHETAMINE WORKERS' UNION LOCAL 69".
#30       “DESTROY HICKEY”                       OCTOBER 3, 1997            KLUB KOMMOTION, SF
Nike Sux!
The Sickening Princess Di-Mother Theresa Conspiracy Sux!
I Suk! For Selling The Link 80 Guy Such Potent Heroin
Klub Kommotion Sux!
Wesley Willis Sux!
Red Heiffer Sux!
“Punk Roundtable” Sux!
Cassini Probe Sux! (STBR)
Smash The Metric System!!!!!!
This gig was unexceptional. I did a bit about  Danielle Steele's son, who had just died from a heroin overdose, and had been in a punk band that was going places. I didn't say he sucked, though. I said I MYSELF sucked for selling him such potent 'stuff.' I told him it was too pure, but he said "I don't care, I want to be like Hickey." I shouldn't of done it, I'm sorry, I suuuuck!!!!
Possibly the least tasteful song we did since we played Petaluma and changed the Little Richard cover from "Good Golly Miss Molly" to Good Golly Miss Polly.
#31       “TAKE-A-NUMBER SHOW”                         OCTOBER 4, 1997            CLOYNE COURT, BERKELEY
#16 Sux!
#17 Sux!
#24 Sux!
John Geek Sux! (#31 I think)
Premature Ejaculation Sux! (STBR)
The Queue At Di’s Funeral Suk!ed
Tre Cool/Rage Against The Machine Suk!
Bullfight Arena Up Fernando’s Butt Sux!(STBR)
At the time, I was working for Noah's Bagels, and one of their "take-a-number" machines went missing. We'd decided it was time to push our audience-insulting up another level: At the beginning of the show, we told people we were doing a raffle, and invited everyone to take a number. Then before each song, we'd pick out a number. The winning audience member got a personal song about how they were a corporate sellout racist homophobe tree-killing imperialist.
Corbett Listening To Live 105 Sux!
Pinole Sux!
Perseus Sux!
Orpheus Sux!
This was in someone's backyard, at some house where terrible people hung out. It was supposed to be a theme of greek/roman mythology, and some effort had actually gone into thinking of very jello biafra-if-he-had-lived-in-1000-BC rants focussing on the details of the legends THAT THE MAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. But the whole thing got turned into a riot when we played our hit "Sorry I Sold Your Friend That Heroin That Killed Him" and I got dogpiled by the crowd. Weird – they were all meth people, and I was making fun of a heroin junkie. Figured they'd be down.
#33       “SHOEGAZER SHOW”                  NOVEMBER 15, 1997  HOUSE OF ATRIUS, S.R.
Global Warming Sux!
Police Abuse Of Pepper Spray Sux!
Angioplasty Sux! (STBR)
Magna Carta Sux! (STBR)
Pork Rinds Suk! (STBR)
Chirping Bird Noise Sux!
Glen Is A Narc
Lenoid Breshnev-Don Henley Handjobs Suk!
Yuri Andropov Handjobs Suk!
Brian Zero Handjobs Suk!
“Cops/Cars Suk!”   (audience freestyle-brawl)
Last time we played a Santa Rosa club (St. Paddy's Day), the audience totally ignored us and they were boring people to boot. This time, we decided to hold a mirror up to their boring selves – by playing the most boring music possible. We all dressed in black. We had lit candles. We played our (thrash) song slowed down to ballad speed, and with no distortion. We played it so slow, so boringly, that it took 10 minutes to finish a 40-second tune.  At first, kids thought we were kidding. Then they got pissed. Then they started to get into it. Kids found blankets somewhere and curled up to sleep in front of the 6-inch-tall stage.  Since people hadn't all left the building, around the 20-minute mark I relented and we started thrashing.  By that point kids had built up a lot of tension, and  were well hyped to jump up and start dancing. It worked out well even though people didn't get as mad as I'd planned.
#34       “HATE SHOW”                               JANUARY 18, 1998          GILMAN ST, BERKELEY
Nike Sux! Because It Exploits Gooks
“That Fag Is A Racist!!”
“That Kike Is homophobic!!”
“That Bitch Is Antisemetic!”
“That Retard Is Sexist!”
“That Motherfucker Is Anti-Retard!”
You’re The Worst Of All, Making Fun Of People Just Cus They Fuck Their Mom
This was supposed to be a piss-take on the PC, identity-politics, "my group is more victimized than your group so I win" mentality that was prevalent at the time. You can pretty much read the song titles to get the joke. After I did my initial "Nike sucks because it exploits gooks!" rant, I arranged with a plant in the audience that he would tackle me mid-song, and take over as singer, doing his own rebuttal rant: SCHULTZ IS A RACIST FAGGOT BECAUSE HE SAID GOOKS! and then another one of our friends would tackle HIM and steal HIS microphone and etc. But this plan fell apart during the first song when some random dude tackled both me AND the guy-in-on-the-joke who was SUPPOSED to tackle me, and did his OWN rant. Then I just watched from the sidelines as a succession of other people who weren't in on it took turns yelling racist stuff into the mic. As Jonny (bass) later put it: This is not only the worst show we have ever played, it is the worst show we WILL ever play. We got banned from the club after that, and all i could think was, "It's about freaking time. "
#35       “PUNK KAROKE ON TV”                            FEBRUARY 8, 1998           COMMUNITY TV, SANTA CRUZ
Lego War Crimes Suk!
Santa Cruz Sux!
“You Guys Suk!”
“You’re All Fags!”
“Yelling Sux!”
“Negativity Sux!”
“Callers Suk!”
“You Guys Are Fags, And You Suk!, Especially That One Guy!”
           (all songs in quotation marks are phone-in callers doing karoke over the Song)
Someday we'll find that video. That was an amazing experience – to prepare for our epic interview, Jonny and I hit the used bookstore down the street and he found Chairman Mao's Little Red Book, and I found "FUCK YOU – THE ICE OPINION' by Ice-T. We'd use quotations from the books to answer the interviewers' questions, and even to rebut other people in the band. I'm pretty sure the intervew ended with all of us boycotting it because of Tibet or Chiapas.
#36       “POSITIVE NOUN”                         MARCH 21, 1998             “MARLYN MANSON’S BAR,” S.R.
Government Rules!
Squids Rule!
Marlyn manson Rules!
Alan Greenspan Rules!
Sonoma Cops Rule!
David Asimov Rules!!
KSUN Rules!
Pete Wilson Rules!
Fur Trappers Rule!
Underage Homeless Kids Outside Rule!
#37       “NO THEME”                                  APRIL 23, 1998                 CASA ZIMBABUE, BERKELEY
Gym Teachers Suk!
Tourette’s Syndrome Fucking, Fucking, Fucking Fucking, Sux!, Fuck.
The List Guy Sux!
Casa Zimbabue Sux!
That Barbie-Looking Girl Sux!
Women Have Docking Envy and It Sux!
Shaquille O’Neil’s Wooden Cuticles Up Ricky Lake’s Foreskin Sux!
#38       “STUMP-THE-BAND NIGHT”          MAY 6, 1998                    WAREHOUSE IN OAKTOWN
Lambskin Condoms Suk!
A Warm Breeze Blowing In August In Ohio Sux!
Pancreatic Islands Suk!
Funk Metal Sux!
Adeline Vs
Cryptic Slaughter Sux!
Midget Baton twirlers Suk!
Axl And Trent’s New Industrial Album Is going to Rule
Soybeans Suk!
Diatomaceous Earth Sux!
Spice Girls Suk!
Fast Food managers Suk!
My Lust For Belinda Sux!
Elderly People With Too Many Cats Suk!
March of Dimes Sux!
Utopia Sux!
That was the gimmick this time: all songs were stump-the-band requests, and I must say the audience showed a lot lot lot of pluck and vim and zazz  in their choices. I almost got stumped a few times.
Also – as if two gimmicks were not enough – Crow could not play guitar, so we got Kocol. And then I decided, since the party was at my recording studio, to pull out MY guitar as well.  The only noun show with 2 guitars. Naturally, only one of us would play and the other one would do non-stop hammer-ons the whole song.
#39       “TECHNO-NOUN”                         JULY 18, 1998     EAGLES HALL, SACTOWN
The George Bush-Urinal Mint Conspiracy Sux!
Abe Lincoln’s Beard Or Moustache Sux!
Venom Are Christians!
Michael Jordan Nike Etc Suk!
Pepsi Molests Webster Via Spokesperson Michael Jackson Which Sux!
Bands With More Than One Beat Suk!
Rave Music Rules!
The Audience Sux Cus They Won’t Rave!
Livermore Lab Rules!
Hardcore Is For Pussies!
Puff Daddy Making You Go To Bed Early Sux!
Our last show and, appropriately, our most hated show. The gig was in Sacramento, it was more than 100 degrees in the shade. I was wearing my pink mumu, hanging round, when the band scheduled to play after us rolled up on their Harleys. I thought , this is going to be interesting. Instead of guitars, we'd all brought toy synthesyzers, and were supposed to have a "band meeting " on the sidewalk where we learned how to play The Song on them, but wound up spending most of the time playing Venom songs on them. We eventually came on stage, announced that "rave is the future of music!" (this was in '98, when rave was already played out), and that "hardcore is for total pussies!" It should be noted that the harley band was hardcore, with the long-shorts and sleeve tattoos, and i think their name was ZERO BULL SHIT.  Also, the girl who booked the club was – as far as I can tell – never bothered to show up. And thus, even by the early afternoon, the "all-day show's" schedule was 2 hours off. That is to say, bands which were supposed to go on at 3 started at 1. I figured that we should just play the whole 2 hours, thus saving the schedule and the gig from certain chaos. The harley guys were equally certain that we should play 30 seconds and then run away. To make matters worse, the guys that were supposed to back us up – around 10 of them, had ALL gone outside to babysit their crackhead friend who had locked his keys in the car, and needed 10 people to hold his hand until the locksmith arrived. Since when can a crack-head not break into a car by himself?!? Anyway, we forced people to rave for awhile and then left.
7 comments Tags: , ,

7 Comments so far

  1. sephim November 11th, 2010 3:58 am

    This was the most entertaining thing I have ever read.
    There doesn't need to be a "punk" Spinal Tap movie ever (ever see CB4?) as long as this remains on the internet…

  2. Tzench November 11th, 2010 7:51 am

    "Thor Heyerdahl sux!" At last somebody dares to speak the truth.

  3. voidmare November 16th, 2010 6:06 pm

    Your Jello Biafra rant voice is spot on

  4. Hugh Codding November 17th, 2010 2:32 pm

    Footnote gut: Correction on original line-up: Gabe Meline from Tilt/Mr. T Experience played drums for our first two gigs at The Cafe This.  After that, Lance took over on drums.

  5. Jon November 24th, 2010 6:01 pm

    I'm gonna make a shirt and it sux!

  6. kerb November 28th, 2010 7:41 pm

    once i left (not enough guitar in the monitor) it was all down hill..

  7. df July 18th, 2013 10:26 pm

    Mom, is that you?

    Kerb is an irregular verb.

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