Tokyo Damage Report

reup : INSANE: quill, ug man, mind of asian, pigmen

Oct 3, 2004

 

QUILL LIVESHOW


as for me, i saw the BEST BAND EVER called QUILL but i don't remember them because right before i asked the bartender for 'your strongest' and she pulled out this fucking polish vodka that was like 186 proof. never opened. covered in cobwebs. holding it out at arm's length like she was scared to touch it. a moment which uncannily resembled steve martin's 'cruel shoes'

Anna knew she had to have some new shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's every pair of shoes in the place."

    "Oh, you must have one more pair …"

    "No, not one more pair…Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want…"

    Anna interrupted, "Oh yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"

    Carlo looked incredulous. "No, Anna, you don't understand, you see, the cruel shoes are…"

    "Get them!"

 

She points to the label,which indicates it’s over 90% alcohol. I’m picturing a bunch of burly, blonde Tartars (or Hussars? (or Cossacks??!?)) huddled around a huge vat of rocket fuel, holding an eyedropper of water, heatedly debating how many drops will make this the perfect vodka.

So of course in the spirit of Sir Edmund (“because it was there”) Hillary i wind up doing a shot, having not eaten since breakfast (unless you count having like 300ml of 50 proof as lunch), and soon, for some totally unrelated reason, almost get into a fight with some mohican guy. Bakamike (remember him?) insists i called the guy a "ninth level druid from el sobrante" but i have no recall. next thing i remember i'm on a subway with some drunk australians, and i keep telling the girl "i won't fuck you because you're white." because a) she was flirting with a guy who had a girlfriend already, which is not that cool, and b) i honestly think white women in japan don't have a big enough complex about asian women. Just doing my part, you know.

Then I went home and learned a valuable lesson: DON’T DRINK AND WACK (. . . ‘you might spill your dick’) Seriously I was like 30 minutes trying to jack off to the worst porn ever. Like it must have been some specialty ‘narcoleptic fetish’ video because the actors were just asleep on the job. If the alcohol had not ruined my judgment, i might have just put on MICROSOFT DISK DEFRAG and watched that — "oh yeah, just like that", but in my inebriated state, I refused to change it, as if i was a plucky athelete competing in the Special Olympics: “dude! I can do this! I can do this! I will triumph over adversity!”

Dumb.

Basically I remember all the mediocre bands at the beginning but can’t recall the 2 bands that were the best bands ever. Fuck!! I learned another lesson which is, “it’s not the alcohol that causes problems. It is the alcohol you drink AFTER YOU’VE DRUNK THE ALCOHOL that causes problems.”

See, after I drink a little (a little = a cup of 50 proof) I get just drunk enough to remember that , hey, just WALKING can be an adventure. Everyday, boring things like putting on pants or tying shoes or sitting up can be transformed into Jason And The Argonauts-style epic tales of heroism, just by applying enough booze. Why should I settle for a banal existence when I don’t have to? And the more I think about that, the less I care about THE CONCERT I ACTUALLY PAID TO SEE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Which is stupid because I can get totally drunk ANYTIME at home, without a cover charge, and I don’t.

Often.

So, in conclusion, the ‘mildly buzzed’ style just frustrates me , and the ‘epic adventure’ style makes me call people druids, so it's possible . . . yes, i'll just come out and say it. it's possible that alcohol has a problem with me. STUPID DELICIOUS ALCOHOL! STAY AWAY FROM MY MOUTH!

 

MIND OF ASIAN;

This is one of those ‘breaking stereotypes’ bands that I always advocate: they looked like the grateful dead but as soon as they started, the music turned into some 500MPH thrash attack. Unfortunately the bassist and guitarist put in absolutely no effort, nor did they seem to be happy to be there. The vocalist was all contorting and posing and putting on a show. Typical. The skinny tall girls think they can get by on looks, and the chubby girl has to actually have talent. Or am I just being a bitch?

No, I am not. You women have all thought this yourselves at one time or another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I DON’T CARE or maybe SHOT

Their singer looked like a male model ? handsome, tall, pointy beard. He’d occasionally do this little mysterious jig for a second, and then stop, as if he didn’t realize what he was doing and then he was, ‘Damn, was I doing it again? oh shit, that’s not cool.’

 

 

PIGMEN

Played. see my previous review, i guess.

 

 

 

QUILL

Because of my little trip to Poland I don’t remember Quill. But the photographic evidence suggests that they were THE BEST BAND EVER. 2 singers, and EVERYONE is jumping around like lemurs. Like I think everyone in this band was at least 5 lemurs, all with 18 dexterity and Plus Three To Rock The Fuck Out. My sources report that during Quill I was screaming curses at the audience because of their failure to go apeshit crazy. I can say with confidence I would have done this even had I drunk nothing stronger than Tang.

The GOODMAN is a very unique livehouse, in that the lighting is amazing and the sound engineer is actually talented, but the times I’ve been there, the audience has been these tragic college kids who sit there like it’s a fuckin’ lecture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UG MAN

Again, it’s Poland’s fault. I hear they hate Jews too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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