Tokyo Damage Report

comic market 2009 RONBUN ROUNDUP

let's start this off modestly:

THE WATCHES ON MY ARM

 

This is a page-by-page review of all the watches dude owns. Not like the best watches. Just ones he owns.  The dude is defiantly analog:  writing about wind-up watches in a zine format.


POSTAL GUIDE VOL. 7

I didn't post any scans of the inside, because this is basically a guide to filling out post-office forms. Written not by the post office, but a post office customer/obsessive maniac.

I asked him why HE was doing it (instead of the post office itself) and he just looked at me, as if this should be self-evident.

Also: just like with the watch zine, there is something defiantly old-school about this. . . considering the USA post office is now considered obsolete and about to shut down!


 

THE ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO TIC-TACS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

(at the bottom it adds: A MEMBER OF THE  "TABLET FIELD GUIDE CREATORS" ASSOCIATION) which should give you some idea.

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The scan shows tic-tacs of latin america and africa.

Each box is analyzed for the following criteria:

local maker

flavor

color

country of mexico

date bought

type of label (adhesive, etc.) (IS there even more than one type of label?!?!)

Comment:
 "There's more than I thought around here! I suppose South America wants some too!"

 

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ACADEMIC JOURNAL #23

 

 

This zine is thick- almost a pound! And consists mostly of reviews of the most eccentric or absurd books (fiction and non-) from around the world. Like a freak-show of books.

For example, here are some article titles:

"katakana foreign words I learned from anime"

"the author of this book is spiritually deluded!!"
"a book about animals trained to fight wars"

"I want to explain to fictional characters what their nuroses are"

"funny new subculture words  in Japanese Wikipedia"

"a book which is a fictional interview with barrack obama from america"

"a new manga which is entirely about anti-korean sentiments"

 

But the main article in this book is not about literature at all. The main article is an analysis of the physics and math involved in making 3d-animated boobs bounce realistically.

 

 

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S=?-2

 

This is the creation of a gentleman who is 1) obssessed with Eames furniture, and 2) interested to see what each Eames chair would look like as a moe girl.

The term for "anthropomorphism" in Japanese is 擬人化 (gijinka).

 


BLUE OCEAN SOMETHING SOMETHING

 

 

The same idea as the previous 'zine, but substitute "deep-sea life-forms" for "eames furniture."

Is this a great country or what?!?!?

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AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO SURGERY AND THERAPY OF THE HEISEI (the current era) ERA

 

Here , a cartoon panda teaches you how to do surgery. Just like the Post Office book, this is not written by any official institution.

Below: the panda is dressed like Michael Jackson while teaching you different suture knots.

below: a rabbit helps the panda put on his/her surgical scrubs.


A GUIDE TO SEPARATING YOUR GARBAGE INTO RECYLABLE AND NON-RECYCLABLE, FOR OTAKU, MANGA, AND EROTIC PEOPLE.

 

 

A guide for specifially otaku items: your PC, your porno magazines, and (in a nice touch) your old comic market merchandise!

But the best part is this:

. . . how to break down your old pocket pussy to recycle it.

Also: the zine is printed on news-print. Kudos.
 

 


 

Another "ranking" zine, but this one is more tongue-in-cheek. The "categories" are different for each pen. For instance:

 

GUNDAM-NESS: *****

PROBABILITY THAT THE DESIGNER IS A FAN OF GANDAM W: *****

PROBABLITY THAT HE'S A HERO FAN: *****

THAT HE'S WORRIED ABOUT GANDAM 00: *****

FUNNY-NESS:******

the rest of the text:

You know how when a comedian you like debuts a new joke that you find un-funny, but you instantly adapt to it because you like the comedian?

This pen is not like that.

This pen combines the instant-transformation beloved by gundam fans with principles of ergonomics, and. . . .

Oh, forget it.

I'm sure there are lots and lots of reasons why it looks the way it does, but the fact is. . .

IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE TO USE!!!

I suppose that pens, like everything else which evolves, must have some false-starts in their evolution!

 


MOKONIKA YONJIJUKUGO

Mokonika's four-kanji expressions

 

 

 

 

This book is a really nice idea: they  take four-kanji idioms (yonjijukugo) and not only personify them as cute girls, but they do a little manga that shows the girl doing the thing.

The opposite page has her statistics as if she's a game character. Also the book's cover is designed to look like a elementary school-kid's kanji workbook.
 

NAME: ACCOU ZOUGON

SPECIAL ABILITY: every time she opens her mouth, bad things come out.

PERSONALITY: For her own benefit, or to shame others, she delights in putting on a magnificent display of abuse and scorn. If you see someone talking irresponsibly, making sure they aren't caught by the target, backstabbing, or spreading malice without ever making a mistake, you know it's her!  However, if confronted, she gives up more easily than a regular person.

MEMBERS OF SAME CATEGORY: akkoubari, zannboubari, barizougon (none of these are in my dictionary, sorry.)

 

 

Right page:

PANEL 1:

STICK FIGURE GIRL: Thanks so much for helping me!

AKKOU ZOUGON: (taking off her mask) Don't worry about it. By the way. . .

PANEL2:

AKKOU ZOUGON: Is it true that your older brother is unemployed? That he's a hikikomori?

PANEL 3:

AKKOU ZOUGON: Everybody's saying it so I just happened to overhear. They say he's otaku, but to the extent that he stopped coming to school altogether? I was just wondering because everybody's talking about it

PANEL 4:

STICK FIGURE GIRL: (runs off crying)

PANEL 5:

GLASSES GIRL: You're enjoying yourself, aren't you? Even you shouldn't take things too far, Accou Zougon

PANEL 6:

 

GLASSES GIRL:  That girl's brother got hurt – he's been in the hospital. And of course he's unemployed – he's still in school, like us!

PANEL 7:

AKKOU ZOUGON: FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!!

PANEL 8:

NARRARATOR: (translation of above statement: you're so cool, i wish i could be more like you!)


H25

 

 

A "lifestyle magazine" for people who enjoy the ona-ho (short for onna-hole, which means "woman hole" which means "pocket pussy")

What makes this zine unique is that every issue has back cover which is a parody of a real lifestyle magazine: in this case, MEN'S NO-NO.

Below:  weekly sales rankings of the top 5 brands:

text on the cover reads:

ona-ho will save the world!

ona-ho and lotion!

limited edition and special collaboration ona-ho festival! wheeee!!

the lucky vibrator that calls the god of death!

i will become the unrivalled king of winter ona-hos!!!!!

 

also in the issue:

How to make a glove out of fried bean paste so when you jack off it feels like someone else doing it.

masturbation-related chinese zodiac forcasts

final page just says "this space for rent"

 


 

 

 

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Just that! it only works if you already have the english transcript but can't find the slang in your J-E dictionary.


 

DAILY LIFE WITH YOUR PROSTHETIC LEG

 

 

 

The main article in this one is , how to change the batteries in your prosthesis. I didn't even know they HAD batteries.


 

DO YOU LIKE ROMANCE???

The lovely but absurd world of Harlequin Romances

This is yet ANOTHER review zine, reviewing only japanese translations of Harlequins! It comes complete with its own 3 ranking categories:

ROMANTICNESS

REDICULOUSNESS

STORY QUALITY

 

The standout review, which the zine seller helpfully pointed out to me is this:

a review of NIGHT OF MADAM BUTTERFLY – a novel about a western woman who goes to Japan and gets laid.

(romanticness 3, rediculousness 5, story 3)

 

the title of this section is:

GEISHA COSPLAY AND SUPER-EXPENSIVE BONSAI GIFTS ARE THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?

 

It goes on to print an extract from the book, which takes place at a bath-house, where the Japanese man says to the foreign lady:

"When in Japan, you should forget your western attitudes about nudity.  Here, mixed bath-houses are common. We're not embarrassed of our bodies. Neither should you be! Perhaps the fat or aged are another matter, but you've got a nice style there, so you shouldn't be shy about it."

The zine author then goes on to make fun of the book for saying the heroine bought her man a 370-year-old bonsai: "No one would be able to afford such a thing, and even if it did exist, it would be listed as 'a national treasure' and not for sale! Clearly the heroine got decieved by the bonsai seller."

the final verdict?

"This book thoughtlessly gets the details of our culture all wrong.  Perhaps only a foreigner can fully enjoy the "exotic Japan" atmosphere of it. "

 


CONVENIENCE CAFE AU-LAIT REVIEW

 

 

 

 

Just like all the other "ranking" zines. Honestly there are hundreds more of these things. I include this one because they went the extra mile and included a diagram which familiarizes the reader with how to read their coffee-ranking diagrams:

 

 

COFFEE AMOUNT:

MILK AMOUNT:

SWEETNESS:

MAKER, PRICE, QUANTITY, CALORIES

COMMENTS


THE HISTORICAL BOYS LOVE MANGA OF JAPAN

 

 

This book is amazing!  The guy gets these real, historical gay pornos from back in samurai times, and "translates" them from old-timey Japanese to modern Japanese. He says that, although we would today call the pornos "fiction", or "manga",  they are actually closer to journalism – such distinctions were not made back in those days.

In the passage below, well, you figure it out.

 

 


As a bonus, here are some indies gag comics I've picked up over the years.

 

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that's right: SUPER-DEFORMED HITLER!!!!

 

 


. . . AND HERE ARE SOME RANDOM UH BL ("boys'-love") MANGA:

 

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this is the only ultra-man sex joujinshi i could find. I must have gone to 2 or 3 comic conventions looking for this kind of godzilla-fucking-ultraman's-ass stuff, and the guys at the tables stocked with underage rape-porn would be offended , like really indignant , that i would even ASK them such a thing: SHIRANAI!!!

 

I don't know what is so offensive about it. I guess comics should only be used for porn, never just for humor? But finally just by chance i found this one, which is kind of nice.

 

 

 

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8 comments

8 Comments so far

  1. tyblazitar December 23rd, 2011 4:20 am

    Um, isn't the "ona" in "onaho" from オナニ?

    Do you know which day of Comiket these are usually sold? I would love to check out all the weird stuff out there, but I'm only going on the third day this Fuyu-Comi.

  2. admin December 23rd, 2011 7:08 pm

    @tyblazitar ok, I’ll admit i was wrong – you win that argument, if you’re comfortable with the whole internet knowing what an expert in onaho you are.
    also: the third day is “maniac day” and that IS when the ronbun stuff is sold. So, you’re in luck.

  3. Snave December 31st, 2011 12:08 am

    If you can't make it to a market, there's a shop that sells disturbing fan manga and I believe fanzines in the northern reaches of Akiba. Looks like a regular shop on the ground floor, but as you go up, shit gets real bizarre, real quick. Not quite this bizarre, but it is an adequate time-poor man's substitute.

    On the main street, go north from the station and it's on your right. Theres a couple of comic stores there but I think just one has the weird titles. Have to recall back a couple of years now so this shit is hazy, but I recall the entire building was the one shop but whilst it had an escalator to the fairly normal 2F, the wackier 3F was only accessible via the rear stairwell.

  4. Riley January 1st, 2012 8:54 am

    Oh man, I really want to see more of "The Secret Garden".

  5. Mona January 9th, 2012 4:26 am

    I just wanted to say that I love you Kanji Damage site, you have no idea how much it helps me! I am so grateful!!!!!!!!!

  6. Sarah January 10th, 2012 12:30 am

    I don't want to be super creepy, but more info on the 'THE HISTORICAL BOYS LOVE MANGA OF JAPAN' book would be really interesting. I take, um, an anthropological/historical interest in pornography and representations of sexuality from different cultures.
    Or I want to giggle at it and show my friends, really, choose the option that seems more plausible to you.

  7. admin January 13th, 2012 10:43 pm

    @sarah:
    i don’t have the patience to translate the book, but the guy who makes it has a blog here:

    http://ameblo.jp/hihonsyudo

    so you can leave a comment in japanese if you have questions. he has a new book of translations out too!

  8. admin January 13th, 2012 10:45 pm

    @mona: thank you so much for your kudos and I’m glad you found KD helpful. Good luck on kanji!

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