Recently there’s been a lot of talk about censorship – whether it’s SOPA/PIPA, Wikileaks, or Obama’s punishing government whistleblowers rather than those they blew the whistle on . ..
Waah, waah, waah! Of course, society is fucked up. BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH CENSORSHIP. Act like you know!
Want examples? Here is 10 things I’d squelch, expurgiate, and black the fuck out:
1) The unlimited cash that corporations can now give to political action committees, which the Supreme Court decided was “corporate speech,” since corporations are “people” with “first amendment rights.” Citizens United eat a dick . Agree with me? Then you’re for censorship. Awesome! I say, if a corporation wants “free speech,” like a person, let it grab a plackard and march down the sidewalk. Not an employee of the corporation, not a subcontractor, not the CEO or the lobbyist. . . the actual CONCEPT OF THAT CORPORATION. Let the fucking piece of paper upon which the corporate charter was written grow arms and fucking legs and opposable thumbs and march. Until then, shut the fuck up, corporations.
2) Advertising ! Imagine if YOU could reduce your taxes, write all your income off as a “business expense” . . .and the only down-side was, you had take out ads everywhere declaring that you are awesome. WHAT?!? See, you thought I’d come at it like “ads are full of lieessss!” but I went sideways on it. Weren’t expecting that. But who cares, the point is, if you tried that, you’d go to IRS jail and have to share a bunk with Lyndon LaRouche. But business can and DO do that all the time. Bullshit! To boot: if both coke and pepsi spend a billion each, they’re exactly back where they started. They don’t even get any benefit from it! The only effect is a) the government loses millions in taxes, and b) small beverage companies get screwed because they can’t keep up in the ad arms race. The whole tax break is very anti-free-market. BAM! I came at it from the right. Weren’t expecting that either, were you? Who cares – you’re sick of ads just like me! Well if you are sick of ads, you’re for censorship. From now on, my secret police will replace any billboard, internet .jpg ad, or bus-stop ad with a big picture of Muhammed the Prophet, until crazed muslims burn down enough ads to make it unprofitable. Radio ads will have the name of the product replaced with a sample of the Meatmen saying BLOW ME JAH. Yeah I know Rastas aren’t that violent, but they are irritating as fuck.
3) Packaging. Why the fuck does toilet paper need glossy 4-color packaging? It fucks up the environment, and again, there is no benefit to the sellers. If both the leading brands stopped deluxe packaging they’d still be on equal ground and sales wouldn’t drop a cent. If you’re for environmental regulation of packaging, then you’re for censorship. Welcome aboard, hippie! Sorry I said that shit about Jah.
4) Celebrities. It’s easy to say “well they are terrible people so who cares if magazines constantly snoop on them?” but the magazines build them up to be bigger than life, then exploit peoples’ resentment of them to tear the celebs back down. This must seem pretty fucking contradictory to the celebs, and the fans as well. The only people for whom this is NOT a contradiction is the media, who get paid both ways. How about you don’t build ‘em up OR tear ‘em down? My solution: anyone who tries to click on an article about a Kardashian will be re-directed to a page about a woman scientist who studies history, insects, bio-chem, or trans-dimensional mathematics. Anyone who tries to click on an article about a “super-couple” breaking up will be re-directed to an incredibly technical and whingey one-hour TED talk video by 2 nerds, detailing how Western, democratic computer companies make and sell spy software to repressive dictatorships to help them jail and torture their own citizens. Anyone trying to shut off this expose will have their memory wiped. My secret police will , of course, be using that exact fascist software to implement these fatwas. Zing.
5) Religion! You should be able to do it, of course. But tax-exempt? Let me get this straight; you get a bunch of free tithe money, and instead of paying the government which gave you freedom of religion and a safe place to spew your beliefs, you use it to make a bunch of brochures and TV stations to convert more fools to give you more free money? Fuck that! If you want to convert people, it should be by your DEEDS, not WORDS. You can attempt to win converts by feeding the homeless, aiding the foreclosed or laid-off, or helping drug addicts OF ANY DEMONINATION WITH NO RELIGIOUS LIMITS. I’m talking about passing out birth control pills and feeding pork to everyone. If you can make passers-by say , “Wow! Who is this religious group who so selflessly helps the less fortunate, and this seems to make the true believers happy by doing it? I want a piece of that!” ONLY THEN should you be able to get converts. Any attempts to prostelyze beyond that: verboten, son! All “700 club” broadcasts replaced with a nonstop loop of Cronos informing the crowd that “You’re wild, man, wiiiiild!”
6) twitter. Gone.
7) seriously fuck twitter. That’s some duck-speak shit right there. Click the link, babypants! Does that Orwell quote not TO A FUCKING TEE describe twitter? That is some visionary shit. Actually this one is a trick question; I’m not for censoring it, it’s ALREADY CENSORSHIP. – the whole platform is designed to eliminate anything with real thought or content. So if you’re FOR it, then you’re for censorship. *But Schultz, no one is forcing you to use it, it’s not censorship wahhh* Quackitty quack quack, son. Sit the fuck down – I’m not hating on it. In fact I got good news for you ducks. Because it’s censorship, therefore my regieme would have to be FOR it. See how this works? But That shit is too long. Who has the time to read tweets from their 12,000 imaginary friends if those tweets are OVER 100 CHARACTERS? Me and the Secret Police would set a limit of 3 characters , applied retroactively to every tweet. You’re welcome, information-overloaded-generation kids.
Also those 3 characters would all be KKK.
８) and definitely we need to fuck asssssssssssssss bleaughhhhhhhh