Tokyo Damage Report

NEW GENERATION URBAN LEGENDS.

First, there were yuurei (幽霊) and youkai(妖怪), Japan’s traditional monsters, demons, capricious faries and vengeful ghosts. Now, there were toshi densetsu (都市伝説) “urban legends”. Toshi densetsu are basically yuurei-type vengeful-ghost stories which involve modern technology such as TV (“The Ring”), plastic surgery (“Kuchisake-onna”) or train fatalities (“Teke Teke”). 


But still, these toshi densetsu are too old-fashioned because they are just a facelift of an outdated artform. If you really want to scare a Japanese person, you’ll have to come up with entirely new horrors. So I bring you, the 新生代都市伝説 (shinseidai toshidensetsu) . . . . the NEW GENERATION URBAN LEGENDS.

NAME: 5時に帰るサラリマン
ENGLISH NAME:The salariman who went home at 5pm
SHOCK POINT: HE HAS DINNER WITH HIS OWN FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fear factor: 5


NAME: 飲み会へ行くものかOL
ENGLISH NAME:The OL who didn’t go to the nomikai
SHOCK POINT:              FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Fear factor:4


NAME: 不気味なほど静かである電車男子高生の連中
ENGLISH NAME:The eerily quiet group of high school boys on the train
SHOCK POINT:              THEY JUST STOOD THERE.
                            THEIR NECKTIES WERE STILL TIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fear factor:2


NAME: 何も可愛くないと思ってる子
ENGLISH NAME:The young lady who doesn’t think anything is cute
IF SHE CATCHES YOU, SHE WILL SAY THIS SCARY DIALOGUE:: “kawaii” is for little kids. I’m 17 so I want people to like me for my interesting opinions and technical skills.
Fear factor:5


NAME: ただ学生がゼンゼン居ないという理由で勝手に夏休みした先生
ENGLISH NAME:The school teacher who went on summer vacation merely because “there were no classes to teach”
Fear factor:3


NAME: 学校の部活ゼンゼンやってないなのに人当たりがいい中学生
ENGLISH NAME:The popular, active middle-school kid who wasn’t in any clubs at all
SHOCK POINT: HE HAD LOTS OF FRIENDS WHO DID NOT GO TO THAT SCHOOL AND THEY DECIDED FOR THEMSELVES WHAT ACTIVITIES TO DO!
Fear factor:4



NAME: エロくもないスケベもない看護師
ENGLISH NAME:The nurse who was neither horny nor sexy
Fear factor:5


NAME: 中東の政治しか話せないキャバ女。
ENGLISH NAME:The kabajo that would only discuss middle east politics
Fear factor:3


NAME: 年ボーナスも健康保険も与えられる派遣労働者
ENGLISH NAME:The temp worker with a yearly bonus and paid health insurance
Fear factor:2


NAME: 入学試験より命に大事なことを教えたせんせい。
ENGLISH NAME:The teacher who , instead of just teaching how to pass a college entrance exam, actually taught kids things that would be important in life
Fear factor:3


NAME: 携帯を持ってない女子高生
ENGLISH NAME:The schoolgirl who didn’t have a keitai
IF SHE CATCHES YOU, SHE WILL SAY THIS SCARY DIALOGUE: Have you seen my keitai? That’s because I don’t have one! I read BOOOOOKSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NON FICTIONNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Fear factor:4



NAME: 鬼腕章ジジ
ENGLISH NAME:The evil armbands!
STORY: the armbands crawl onto the arms of ojiisans, and possess them. The “possessed armband ojiisans” do many abnormal things to strangers, but no one ever complains because people assume that the ojiisans are working for the city government. Usually they do things like steal bicycles or confiscating tobacco, but sometimes they do more weird stuff like confiscating people’s socks or pets.
Fear factor:3


NAME: 自分のしかたは課長のしかたより効果的新人
ENGLISH NAME:The junior worker whose method was different than the boss’ method
SHOCK POINT: AND THE JUNIOR WORKER’S METHOD WAS FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT!!!!
Fear factor:5


NAME: 想像力だけでオナニー出来る男
ENGLISH NAME:The single guy who jerked off using just his imagination,
SHOCK POINT: HE DIDN’T EVEN SPEND ONE YEN ON PORN OR FUZOKU!
Fear factor:5



NAME: “ツマラナイです!だれも構いません”しか言えないタレント
ENGLISH NAME:The talent / idol who would only say “This is so boring! Who cares? ”
Fear factor:4


NAME: 無料不動産屋
ENGLISH NAME:The real-estate agency who let you use their computers to find your own apartment without charging any finders’-fees or key money.
SHOCK POINT: actually this one really exists. . . AND IT’S CALLED THE FUCKING INTERNET, WHICH ALL OTHER COUNTRIES USE FOR REAL ESTATE SINCE THE FUCKING 90S.
Fear factor:2


NAME: 金持ちなのに自分の子供をお下がり着せるママ
ENGLISH NAME:The wealthy mother who dressed her youngest baby in hand-me-downs!
SHOCK POINT: AND NONE OF THE HAND ME DOWNS WERE BRAND GOODS! EVEN THOUGH SHE COULD AFOOORDTHEMMMMMM!!!!
Fear factor:3


NAME:異常な生命保険証券
ENGLISH NAME: An abnormal “life insurance company”. Instead of paying money to the man-in-debt’s family if a man-in-debt kills himself, this life insurance only pays off if the loanshark dies.
Fear factor:2


NAME:今もアンタのお家で住んでるひきこもり
ENGLISH NAME:The hikikomori that is living IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW
SHOCK POINT: HE’S BEEN LIVING HERE FOR YEARS.
Fear factor:3


NAME: 天気に同意出来ないおねえさんたち。
ENGLISH NAME:The one-sans who can’t agree on the weather
SHOCK POINT:              DON’T GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THEM WHEN WARFARE BREAKS OUT
One-san 1: 暑いですね!
One-san 2: “. . . .”
One-san 1: 暑いですね!
One-san 2: 寒いですね!
One-san 1: 暑いですね!
One-san 2: オメェ!この便女!Fucking kill you!
Fear factor:2


NAME: 小さい街の地域短期大学から卒業した大蔵省の役人
ENGLISH NAME: The senior Finance Ministry official  who graduated from a small town community college
SHOCK POINT: HE IS GOOD AT HIS JOB
Fear factor:4


NAME: 呪われた高校野球の監督
ENGLISH NAME:The cursed high school baseball coach whose team could win every single game . . ..
SHOCK POINT:              . . . . .BUT ONLY IF THEY CHANGED THE LYRICS OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO “THE EMPEROR SUCKS.”
Fear factor:5


8 comments

8 Comments so far

  1. sephim April 15th, 2013 5:15 am

    I love this.

    I have been thinking of making up some "urban legends" of my own because I'm fucking bored with my current writing ideas…

  2. Max April 21st, 2013 2:34 am

    Illustrations, yo. That's the only thing keeping this post from being perfect. I really liked the ones you did for the San Francisco street people thing.

  3. admin April 21st, 2013 8:30 pm

    @max: thanks for remembering those illustrations. I’m working on another illustration project right now, should be done in a month. meanwhile: THIS GUY

    http://yog-blogsoth.blogspot.fr/

    one by one drawing every lovecraft monster ever mentioned in his work. brutal!

  4. mudakun April 24th, 2013 7:17 pm

    Ummmm.. there’s more dangerous stuff about to be unleashed on Japan. A quick Google search shows that there have been furry conventions for the last 4 years in Jp. and that My Little Pony has started airing in Jp dub fmt. this month – which means Jp bronies will soon spontaneously manifest. Please keep an eye on the next comic market. If that stuff gets lose, it could wreak havok. Japanese fans always go overboard! Look what happened with the simple 2nd evening piss-up and costume ball ritual at western sci-fi conventions in the 1970’s Japan turned it into Cosplay!

  5. Andrea C. April 28th, 2013 2:54 pm

    I looove your observations on living in Japan.  All of the wit and insight, and none of the juvenile spite of so many other "gaijin" blogs.   Every one of your bon mots had me laughing. 
    Speaking of searching for digs in Japan via the internet, have you seen the new Athome CM's?
    http://athome-inc.jp/news/topics/2012/12072601.html
    Absolutely FORKING hilarious!!  I mean, what the hell are they trying to say here?  "Other people come to the club to find an easy lay – I'm different.  I come to the club so I can cruise on my smartphone for a cheap and meaningful real estate hookup."  HUH??

  6. プラダ May 5th, 2013 6:56 pm

    幼い子どもに「あかちゃんはどうやって生まれるの?」と聞かれてきちんと話せる親ってあまりいないよね?

  7. François June 16th, 2013 12:34 am

    Aaahh, Steven, it's been a while I hadn't checked your website, and I still love it.
    I especially liked the 何も可愛くないと思ってる子 and the ただ学生がゼンゼン居ないという理由で勝手に夏休みした先生.
    The 5時に帰るサラリマン deserves its 5 star shock-horror status ! Just wondering who would have the most horrific reaction : the boss, or the wife ?

  8. 古山田咲郎 June 16th, 2013 5:32 am

    @ Francois: Both of them! Don't forget the scared children, finding a completely unknown guy sitting at the dinner table after returning home from 部活!
     
    Btw. Mr Schultz, Kanjidamage forum is down. In case you still maintain that site.

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