First, there were yuurei (幽霊) and youkai(妖怪), Japan’s traditional monsters, demons, capricious faries and vengeful ghosts. Now, there were toshi densetsu (都市伝説) “urban legends”. Toshi densetsu are basically yuurei-type vengeful-ghost stories which involve modern technology such as TV (“The Ring”), plastic surgery (“Kuchisake-onna”) or train fatalities (“Teke Teke”).
But still, these toshi densetsu are too old-fashioned because they are just a facelift of an outdated artform. If you really want to scare a Japanese person, you’ll have to come up with entirely new horrors. So I bring you, the 新生代都市伝説 (shinseidai toshidensetsu) . . . . the NEW GENERATION URBAN LEGENDS.
ENGLISH NAME:The salariman who went home at 5pm
SHOCK POINT: HE HAS DINNER WITH HIS OWN FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fear factor: 5
ENGLISH NAME:The OL who didn’t go to the nomikai
SHOCK POINT: FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
ENGLISH NAME:The eerily quiet group of high school boys on the train
SHOCK POINT: THEY JUST STOOD THERE.
THEIR NECKTIES WERE STILL TIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ENGLISH NAME:The young lady who doesn’t think anything is cute
IF SHE CATCHES YOU, SHE WILL SAY THIS SCARY DIALOGUE:: “kawaii” is for little kids. I’m 17 so I want people to like me for my interesting opinions and technical skills.
ENGLISH NAME:The school teacher who went on summer vacation merely because “there were no classes to teach”
ENGLISH NAME:The popular, active middle-school kid who wasn’t in any clubs at all
SHOCK POINT: HE HAD LOTS OF FRIENDS WHO DID NOT GO TO THAT SCHOOL AND THEY DECIDED FOR THEMSELVES WHAT ACTIVITIES TO DO!
ENGLISH NAME:The nurse who was neither horny nor sexy
ENGLISH NAME:The kabajo that would only discuss middle east politics
ENGLISH NAME:The temp worker with a yearly bonus and paid health insurance
ENGLISH NAME:The teacher who , instead of just teaching how to pass a college entrance exam, actually taught kids things that would be important in life
ENGLISH NAME:The schoolgirl who didn’t have a keitai
IF SHE CATCHES YOU, SHE WILL SAY THIS SCARY DIALOGUE: Have you seen my keitai? That’s because I don’t have one! I read BOOOOOKSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NON FICTIONNNNNNNNNNNNN!
ENGLISH NAME:The evil armbands!
STORY: the armbands crawl onto the arms of ojiisans, and possess them. The “possessed armband ojiisans” do many abnormal things to strangers, but no one ever complains because people assume that the ojiisans are working for the city government. Usually they do things like steal bicycles or confiscating tobacco, but sometimes they do more weird stuff like confiscating people’s socks or pets.
ENGLISH NAME:The junior worker whose method was different than the boss’ method
SHOCK POINT: AND THE JUNIOR WORKER’S METHOD WAS FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT!!!!
ENGLISH NAME:The single guy who jerked off using just his imagination,
SHOCK POINT: HE DIDN’T EVEN SPEND ONE YEN ON PORN OR FUZOKU!
ENGLISH NAME:The talent / idol who would only say “This is so boring! Who cares? ”
ENGLISH NAME:The real-estate agency who let you use their computers to find your own apartment without charging any finders’-fees or key money.
SHOCK POINT: actually this one really exists. . . AND IT’S CALLED THE FUCKING INTERNET, WHICH ALL OTHER COUNTRIES USE FOR REAL ESTATE SINCE THE FUCKING 90S.
ENGLISH NAME:The wealthy mother who dressed her youngest baby in hand-me-downs!
SHOCK POINT: AND NONE OF THE HAND ME DOWNS WERE BRAND GOODS! EVEN THOUGH SHE COULD AFOOORDTHEMMMMMM!!!!
ENGLISH NAME: An abnormal “life insurance company”. Instead of paying money to the man-in-debt’s family if a man-in-debt kills himself, this life insurance only pays off if the loanshark dies.
ENGLISH NAME:The hikikomori that is living IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW
SHOCK POINT: HE’S BEEN LIVING HERE FOR YEARS.
ENGLISH NAME:The one-sans who can’t agree on the weather
SHOCK POINT: DON’T GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THEM WHEN WARFARE BREAKS OUT
One-san 1: 暑いですね！
One-san 2: “. . . .”
One-san 1: 暑いですね！
One-san 2: 寒いですね！
One-san 1: 暑いですね！
One-san 2: オメェ！この便女！Fucking kill you!
ENGLISH NAME: The senior Finance Ministry official who graduated from a small town community college
SHOCK POINT: HE IS GOOD AT HIS JOB
ENGLISH NAME:The cursed high school baseball coach whose team could win every single game . . ..
SHOCK POINT: . . . . .BUT ONLY IF THEY CHANGED THE LYRICS OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO “THE EMPEROR SUCKS.”