Tokyo Damage Report

lou reed was still alive?!?

BANDS THAT ARE ABOUT AS ENTERTAINING AS LOU REED:

 

MARYLIN MANSON

J GEILS BAND

KID ROCK

MC HAMMER

CRUCIFUCKS

FALLOUT BOY

STYX

BILLY JOEL

 

BANDS THAT , WHILE OBJECTIVELY BAD, ARE STILL ARE MORE ENTERTAINING OR THOUGHT PROVOKING THAN LOU REED:

 

ABBA

INSANE CLOWN POSSEE

THE SCORPIONS

THE BENNY HILL THEME SONG

KANSAS (the “carry on my wayward son” band)

 

Is no one going to fucking say it?

Fine.

I’ll be the bad guy.

Lou reed was not any good. His music wasn’t even bad. It was just, meh.

People kind of admit this when they say “but he was INFLUENTIAL!!!”  which is a roundabout way of admitting they don’t personally listen to or enjoy his music.  But even “influential!” basically just means that “arty white person bands are a lot less creative than you thought” . . . . it doesn’t mean “lou reed was  rad.”

 

Just by a morbid coincidence I DLed a lot of his solo albums a week before he died, so I know what I am talking about.  And don’t talk about velvet underground. In a just world that band would have been officially called MO TUCKER AND HER LITTLE PALS.  I mean they had 3 good songs; waiting for my man, white light, and “heard her call my name”. . . all of which had those Mo Tucker beats.  Except for some stoned giggling and various comical guitar solo attempts, Reed  was incidental.

 

See also :  Reed influenced  dickless noise bands like sonic youth.  Tucker influenced really nice bands like NEU! and Faust. Again, this is objective truth. (Tucker also was a huge influence on Can, but I can’t co-sign the Can vocalists, any of them.  Shut the fuck up Japanese Robert Plant.)

 

I’m not glad he’s dead, though.  I saw some video interview of him in the ‘80s with an insane jew-fro-mullet and he was telling Lower East Side war stories from when NYC was all Escape From New York / Fort Apache The Bronx – style.  It was an amazing batch of stories. If dude had just gracefully retired from music and done the Henry Rollins thing he could have been one of the best storytellers.  This, incidentally, is not a problem unique to Reed.  Lots of musicians are more interesting as people than musicians, (AKA the “the music is the least interesting thing about him/her” phenomenon).

 

I guess my main beef is with music critics, not with the dead man.  First, claiming that he “invented punk.”   Everybody knows that THOMAS EDISON invented punk.  No, wait, I meant Ronald Reagan.

Second reason why critics are terrible: look at the list I posted at the top of the rant.

MARYLIN MANSON

J GEILS BAND

KID ROCK

MC HAMMER

CRUCIFUCKS

FALLOUT BOY

STYX

BILLY JOEL

All these bands had like 2 good songs, which is probably 1 more than Reed had in his solo career.  So logically rock critics should praise all these bands JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than they praise Reed.

And they should say typical sentances like: “J Geils band (famous for their hits “Centerfold” and “Love Stinks”) invented industrial music, as well as punk, classical, and meringue, and the demise of this band will forever live in rock history”

or sentances like: “Styx, whose brand of working-class-rock-meets-broadway-musical has influenced the course of rock history, also invented black metal, wigger slam, horrorcore rap, and the minuet.”

 

AND YET ROCK CRITICS HATE ALL THOSE BANDS.  Despite the totally objective fact that they are just as mediocre and “eh” as lou reed.

 

So, in conclusion:  critics are underpants, lou reed = fallout boy, “influential”= “I don’t personally listen to it but you totally should”,  some musicians should just tell stories, and Mo Tucker was the main good thing about VU. Also, if the record industry took my advice and simply ONLY PAID ROCK STARS IN HEROIN,  we would have been spared this guy’s output, as well as his pathetic obituaries (see also: kobain, Hendrix, etc).

10 comments

10 Comments so far

  1. Dr Sausage November 8th, 2013 11:50 am

    Oh great now I’m dealing with “carry on my wayward son” all day errday. My counterpunch is Trainspotting’s explicit petard-hoisting of Lou Reed (“some of his solo stuff’s not bad”) via Sick Boy’s theory: “yeah its not bad but its not grrrrreat either, and deep in your heart, you know it’s just… Shite…”

    Carry on, my wayward son. FUCK

  2. Eric in Hiroshima November 8th, 2013 5:24 pm

    Thank you for saying it. It needed to be said.

    I know that being a cool guy is intrinsic to Rock and Roll. Coolness is part of it. But if the cool guy part is all there is, there’s no reason to listen to the music.

    It reminds me of the time I went to a party in Japan, and everybody was listening to Bob Dylan because he’s known to be cool and deep, yet nobody could speak English or understand the words to his songs.

  3. Rick November 11th, 2013 5:52 pm

    Solo Lou was pretty poor. Especially 80s or later Lou. Awful. It’s somewhat sad that he’s dead, but you could make that case that it’s even more sad that musically, Lou’s been dead for years.

  4. 古山田咲郎 November 20th, 2013 1:09 pm

    I’m glad this Lou Reed hype thing is finally over. Didn’t make it into the news the last few weeks and he will probably be forgotten for good now.
    I was astonished, however, to read this man was still alive:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-25020112

    Well, at least until yesterday. Thought he had already died ages ago…

  5. Brian November 26th, 2013 6:08 am

    I was doing some Kanji Damage reviews today, and you used Lou Reed for some of the stories (making a wooden model of poppies out of wood). How can you talk shit about someone who helps you remember kanji?!?

  6. Narcoleptic December 3rd, 2013 9:14 pm

    Just wondering, what two Crucifucks songs do you consider the good ones? I’m not saying they were either better or worse than that; I just wonder.

  7. admin December 5th, 2013 1:34 am

    @narcoleptic: good question! *consults database* BY THE DOOR and WHERE OH WHERE.

    “EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT A GOOD

      FUCKING

    CHRISTIAN PRAYYYYYYSSS!!”

  8. Francois December 16th, 2013 4:24 pm

    I was just thinking myself : Lou Reed survived his music for 40 years, quite a feast !
    I personally like the Velvet Underground, but Lou Reed solo is a definite no.
    The VU was influential in creating Jonathan Richman, and that’s an important deed of their music.

  9. dhani January 16th, 2014 2:28 pm

    Bullshit and fuck you. If you don’t recognize the importance of VU, then you don’t know shit about music.

  10. admin January 16th, 2014 6:17 pm

    @DHANI: Sorry I can’t hear you over this bitchin Billy Ray Cyrus record. !ACHY BREAKY POR VIDA, CARBON!

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