Tokyo Damage Report

political suicide of the wizened hate-sacs

OLD PEOPLE UNDER A BUS

 

If you’re an American, ever since you were a little kid you’ve heard the phrases “political suicide” and “the old people” side by side. Anytime you’d ask why the politicians don’t do some obviously sensible helpful thing, people would tell you, “it’s political suicide! Because of the old people!”  Legalizing pot? Old people say no.  skateboarding in public? Old people say no! Immigration rights and affirmative action and gay rights? Political suicide! Old people say no!  More tax for schools? Old people say no! Their kids are already grown, and the new kids are the wrong color! The only things they say “yes” to are: old-ass politicians like Reagan and Bush Sr. and insane anti-tax laws like Proposition 13 (AKA The Law So Retarded It Broke California For Thirty Damn Years).

 

In other words, The Olds are Republicans.  And now the Republicans have thrown the Olds under the bus!  Social security and medicare?  We need to get rid of those, so we can pay back China for all the money we used to bail out bankers!  Don’t worry though – we’re PRIVATIZING social security! You can use that money to gamble on the stock market with the Wall Street Bank of your choice . . . after all, SOMEONE’S got to get fucked in the next boom/bust cycle.

 

Now I’ll really be sorry when I need social security/medicare and it’s not longer there. . . which isn’t that long from now. . . but yo. Until I turn 64, I’ll laugh my ass off at these spittle-flecked hateful elders that voted in all the most heartless bastards, year after year after year, and finally they wake up one day and find that the heartless bastards are throwing them under the bus:

 

Here is every politician who ever took a dime from a TBTF bank: “Thanks for all the votes, you wrinkle-body hate-sacs! Hey by the way, as long as you hate leeches and takers, let’s cut you off your pensions. Didn’t you know? Those are “entitlements” now.  Hey, Greatest Generation, multi-pruple-heart Iwo Jima guy!  You’re the new welfare queens! Did you know that? Can you even hear me with your giant, antiquated UNIVAC-era hearing aids? Yeah, yeah, it’s political suicide for me to cut you off your entitlements. Maybe it is. . . IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO VOTE AGAIN!   Which, since we’re also going to cut your health-care, you won’t! and even if you somehow show up, our strict new voter ID laws will disqualify half of you!”

 

“But I thought you were just going to mess with the minorities, the gays, the immigrants, the returning veterans, the kids, the dopers, the poors, and the United Nations!  BUT ME? YOU’RE MESSING WITH ME? HOW COULD I HAVE FORSEEN THAT?!”

 

It’s like all those gangsta rappers who complain that their drug-lord-run record label cheated them out of money: “Murder Violence Entertainment! How COULD you?!?” “Oh,  Death Sentence For Serial Decapitation Records, who would have thought that your accounting practices were less than rigorous!  THE GAME IS FUCKED UP MAN!! *sniffles into ketchief*”

 

This is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise fascist and depressing race-to-the-bottom era.  All these years we were told “it’s political suicide to cross the olds!”  Well, now because of politics, the olds are gonna commit suicide!  Here’s why:  they are already feeble, afraid of change, their brains full of mildew and talk-radio. . . and now their whole world has just been turned inside-out!

 

“Hey, buddy:  the party you’ve been loyal to for decades, the party that pumped you full of fear and hate and anger the same way your IV pumps you full of saline, they’re the ones screwing you, and the evil muslim-commie Demoncrats are the only ones who still want to keep your entitlements.”

 

(Although to be fair, Obama has publicly stated that he is willing to help the Republicans destroy them!).

 

I think there should be a whole Youtube channel just devoted solely to close-ups of the faces of old people who are trying to process the information.

 

Instant strokes.  Hip joints spontaneously popping out of sockets.  Dentures flying across the room and embedding themselves inside O’reilly’s face on TV.

 

Fuck that, there should be a pill!

 

A special pill designed to help their mind and body withstand the complete reversal of their reality.  Something that will keep their heart rate normal, and possibly a little LSD to help the reality-shift go down easier.  I swear, if you want to be a billionaire (pretty much the only way for YOU to survive old age without any “entitlements”), the fastest way is to invent that pill, or invest all your $$$ in the first company that DOES.  Because that pill will literally be a life-and-death necessity for an entire generation.  Invest now in R&D before the next election! And hope to god they develop it before the politicians also cut medicare.

 

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