Tokyo Damage Report

Big Media Is So Misunderstood

 

 

Recently, there’s been a lot of hand-wringing about how the media makes everybody polarized, gets everyone riled up and ready to have a heart attack, treats politics like some retarded sports event, stirs up controversy out of little things while ignoring huge systemic problems which affect ALL Americans, regardless of party affiliation, breeds paranoia, fear-mongering, and hysterical hype.

 

I think those accusations are really unfair.

 

The media has, all along, been doing their best to CALM EVERYONE THE FUCK DOWN, and make us all MELLOW AND UPBEAT.  The problem is the fucking VIEWERS.  The whole time, we’ve been watching THE WRONG CHANNELS.  THAT’s why people are so angry and fearful and unable to cooperate.

 

See, what I figured out is, the whole time liberals were supposed to watch FOX. It’s not a conservative network, it’s a liberal network with really poor self-awareness.  If a liberal watches Fox an hour a day, they’ll say:

“Gee whiz! America is turning into a socialist paradise where the rich are punished for success?  Athiests run the government? The eco-fascist EPA is still allowed to ban job-creating toxic waste, while Minorities control who gets to vote? Jackbooted Government thugs are seizing our Christmas trees and giving them to Rappers?  The UN is coming to take away all the guns AND Oakleys?  Feminiazis destroyed the career of yet another athlete, while the Politically Correct Police are forcing school-kids to read  Emma Goldman-Angela Davis slash fiction with my tax dollars?  Illegal immigrants getting gay married to abortions is not only legal but mandatory in 57 states?  The President is a wimp who won’t fight in Syria or Iran? Fuck yeah, kid! Finally an America I can be proud of! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!”

 

Likewise, all along the conservatives should have been watching Rachel Maddow and Amy Goodman :

 

“Holy cow!  The NRA can overrule policies that 90% of Americans support!  The Republicans can filibuster un-controversial non-partisan bills in order to extort Democrats !  Tiny Southern states with 1/70th the population of big Democratic states still get just as many votes in the Senate! Wall Street guys can buy, trade, and sell politicians and regulators like so many Magic the Gathering cards!  There’s a war on women, cops kill minorities for no reason, and the President is actually to the right of Bush on national security, corporate bailouts, and secrecy! Golly, I had no idea the American Dream was so alive and well! I take back all the Obama-slash-Joker-slash-Hitler posters I ever made!  U-S-A! U-S-A! ”

 

See, all along the media was trying to bring us together in a spirit of optimism and relaxation, but we were just too stupid to see it.

 

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