currently, we have ‘payroll futures’, where Wall-Street types can make million-dollar bets that wages will go up or down next year. ( Of course, if your wages go down, YOU don’t see a penny of that million, it all goes to the traders).
shortly, we’ll have ‘jobless futures’, which will be pretty much the same deal: making million-dollar bets on whether unemployment will go up or down.
After they run out of buyers for ‘jobless futures’, the big-brains on Wall Street will then invent the most high-selling, profitable type of derivative ever: ‘homeless futures’. These will have their own stock exchange, like NASDAQ.
The ‘homeless futures’ are such a hit, bets on many different cities’ future homeless populations are bundled and securitized to make SBS (suffering-backed securities). Hedge funds offer even more high-end financial instruments for those wishing to hedge their bets: many different bets ON DIFFERENT TIME FRAMES, bundled together. thus, if your bet that homelessness will increase next week doesn’t pay off, another bet that homelessness will increase in the next 4 months will pay off, offsetting your loss. rather than make all the bets yourself, you can buy 100s of different bets of different time frames all bundled together as a CSO (collatteralized suffering obligation)
oligarchs make crazy huge bets, and then try to ‘move the market’ to meet their predictions.
For instance, instituional investors such as insurance and retirement funds, ON PURPOSE lose all their clients’ money, so as to hopefully put’em on the street. (but first, the person running the insurance/retirement fund used the fund money as collateral to place a HUGE bet that homelessness will rise).
wall st bonuses are now pegged to food clinic line wait times.
one hedgie will take over large, profitable company just to lay people off because as homeless they are worth more to him.
another trader, betting AGAINST the first, hires 1,000 homeless as ‘financial consultants’ to get them off the streets. Naturally the ‘report’ that the ‘consultants’ write concludes that ‘homelessness will decrease in the next quarter, man.’
a new industry emerges, to assure investors that their bets on homeless numbers are backed up by unbiased data. Homeless ‘ratings agencies’! For any given SBS or CSO, the agencies will issue ‘ratings’ of Triple-H, Double-H, and Sub-H, depending on how accurate the homeless count is. Of course, the ratings agencies depend on the SBS-issuing wall st. banks for their money, so the ratings are a joke.
limos prowl the alleys looking for neighborhoods with homeless ratios above or below the predicted figures: classic arbitrage.
As homeless-backed securities become THE most lucrative part of wall street, prime time analyst Jim Kramer says the homeless are now “By some reckonings, worth more than their weight in gold.”
In his State of the Union speech, the President pledges to ‘create more homeless’ to drive up GNP. He furthermore announces that GNP will be replaced with GSP (gross suffering product), a sort of ‘anti-quality-of-life-index’, which shows each country’s ‘progress’ in generating ever-higher revenue from homeless futures.
One day, suddenly, word leaks out that buffet sold all his shares in everything! he must be making the biggest bet ever. Rumors circulate that some crazy shiekh is betting the other way, neither one wants to blink first.
suddenly the secret is revealed: THE ULTIMATE BET. f Specifically, a bet about, if one specfic bum , dwelling in a dumpster between two bushes, is going to urinate on this or that bush on a given night, one week hence. Only a limited number of bonds are sold, and the competition keeps the prices of the bonds going up up up. As the prices go up, more and more investors sell all their stocks, securities, etc, to buy a share of the ‘pee in the bush’ bond.
In an attempt to predict which bush he’ll pee into, “emotion detecting” sensor drones remotely fly around and monitor his blood pressure, facial expressions, stress levels, alcohol intake, etc. They are shot down by rival drones, operated by OTHER traders who have paid BIG MONEY for inside information of where he usually pees, and don’t want anyone else to learn it.
as the shares go up in value, more people try to buy them before the deadline, until eventually 99% of all Wall Street money is invested in this one bet.
as the deadline approaches, the bum hasn’t pissed at all. Is he sick? Jaundiced? Dehydrated? investors begin to worry the bum might not pee at all. markets jittery. A scandal erupts when the Fed chairman is caught in bushes trying to pee and blame it on the bum, so as to save the bet.
Eventually, right at the last second, the bum flips all the warring drones the finger(s), instead of peeing, he just shits his pants, and then drops dead.
All the wagered money evaporates; world financial system brought to knees.
plot twist: bum used to be ?????
please leave suggestions in comments.