Tokyo Damage Report

second republican debate review


candidates in order of I could remember who they were.

Candidate; FIORINA
Resembles; CALLISTA GINGRITCH LM.D. vers.2.0
Demeanor; evil android

BEST RUNNING MATE;   The Old-Dirty-Bastard character from Orange Is The New Black.

Resembles; HAWKEYE in 10 years
Demeanor; sincere, practical, common-sense over ideology. But at the same time, everyone farmiliar with the vast world of X-rated Avengers fan-fiction knows that Hawkeye is BY FAR the guy that gets dominated by the other heroes. And he’s not even a power-bottom, he’s usually a rape victim. Show me ONE doujin where Hawkeye penetrates. I’m just saying, if other world leaders are as obsessed with x-rated Avengers fanfiction (I’m saying ‘if’, but clearly that is the case, especially Putin and Netenyahu), then they will NEVER be able to take Kunidfh seriously.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  Tony Stark.  They’d have this whole cheny/dubya thing going on.


Candidate; CARSON
Resembles; HANNIBAL BURRESS in 10 years. The sleepy eyes, laid-back speaking style, even the weird speech impediment.
Demeanor; high AF
i thought his style was like “I’m a doctor so I’m smarter than a regular politician!” but actually his shit was incoherent and – just like a regular pol – he didn’t even take strong positions on things. So what is he doing there?

BEST RUNNING MATE;   Eric Andre seems almost too obvious, maybe go with someone that would make Carson seem hyphy in comparison.  That’s it;   CARSON/ INANIMATE CARBON ROD 2016.


Candidate; JEB
Resembles; THAT ONE GHOSTBUSTER I don’t know his name because I hate ghostbusters. Full disclosure; also hate Porkys, Back to the future, and all the other movies that amounted to a ‘sad little coming of age ritual’ for my generation. Really wanted him to take out a magical vaccuum from his ghost-busting-backpack unit and attempt to suck Trump into it, but of course that doesn’t work in real life, and there would be this awkward silence afterwards.
Demeanor; “My mom is making me do this because 2 Bushes in the white house is not enough for her, and I’m scared of her. I know I’m going to lose and be humiliated, but have YOU tried saying no to Mom?”



Candidate; TRUMP
Resembles; JOHN STEWART. I know it’s an old joke but I have not seen the real Trump speak since the ’80s, so yeah, Stewart is my only reference point -for the same reason that I assume that pop songs are just covers of Weird Al songs which I haven’t had the privilege of hearing yet. I was like, “Man this guy’s Stewart is dead-on. But why is he doing that? Stewart isn’t even that popular with Republicans.”
Demeanor; trump
Said; trump stuff. It’s amazing watching him speak to official, respected politicians as if they are contestants on his reality show. Again, I’ve heard people say that a lot, but seeing it in RL is amazing.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  Gene Simmons (But then Simmons would later defect and start his own party with Nicky Minage with the slogan IF YOU’RE GONNA ELECT A BULLY, DO IT RIGHT)


Resembles; GIANT ORANGE LEFT ON HOT SIDEWALK FOR EXCESSIVE PERIOD OF TIME. “If elected president, I will save taxpayer money by letting my cabinet dwell in my giant faical pores, from which they will pop up when i need adivce, like human wak-a-moles.”
Demeanor; Almost Trump. What’s amazing is not so much that Trump managed to get popular being an ‘anti-politician’ , but that Christie has made a career being a mainstream pol WHILE BASICALLY ACTING LIKE ‘TRUMP LITE’ the whole time. Dude is great at seeming like a ‘regular guy’ and very spontaneous, while at the same time saying policies that will screw actual ‘regular guys’. He’s good at ACTUAL spontaneous come-backs, but oddly, when he slips in some pre-written zingers, he absolutely CAN’T make them sound spontaneous -they always come off as fake and rehearsed. That being said, though, whoever he has writing his zingers is way better than anyone else’s zinger-writer. Frankly that person is being wasted on Christie.

BEST RUNNING MATE;    Al Pacino in fat-suit  (playing the role of his life as Michael Moore)



Candidate; WALKER
Resembles; GENERIC WHITE DAD L.M.D. No, wait, SYRIA’S ASSAD. the lack of chin, the too-close eyes, the super-soft-looking-yet-actually-inhumanly-vicious resume. Assad would definitely play Walker in the movie. Assuming he’s not decapitated. (Assuming WHO is not decapitated? Walker? Assad?) (Either)
Demeanor; bloodless and ideologically driven. Not only can he not do the ‘regular guy’ thing, but he seems genuinely uninterested in how his policies even affect regular people – his attitude seems to be, “LOOK, MY ECONOMIC THEORIES ARE SOUND. IF THEY DON’T WORK IN REAL LIFE, THAT’S FUCKING REAL LIFE’S PROBLEM.” And you know who ELSE puts ideology above real-world stuff? Communists. Communists and fundamentalists. AND unlike Huckabee or Cruz, he can’t even make his crazy be entertaining. He’s cra-boring. Bor-zy. You can’t even hate him properly because he’s such a little grey smear of a man.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  anyone slow enough that he could catch them and force them to stand next to him for the next year.  So . . . maybe Christie?


Candidate; PAUL
Demeanor; It doesn’t matter that his answers were some of the most intelligent and fact-based of anyone; he could rattle off the most coherent, technically detailed, lucid analysis of a policy problem,utterly devoid of empty rhetoric . . . as soon as he finishes talking, a small voice in my head yells out TEN POINTS GRYFFINDOR!! Honestly some other candidate should pay someone in the crowd to literally yell that. Also he needs to capitalize on Straight Outta Compton by growing out the back of his Jheri-curl and wearing Locs. Maybe a black hat with custom Olde English writing that spells out FREEMARKET.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  a no-brainer; Gimli/Cube


Actually, fuck that.  GIMLI/CUBE 2016

(dead serious, not made up)


Candidate; RUBIO
Resembles; DONNY OSMOND!!! There is a special feeling when you have been looking at someone for literally hours thinking you have seen them before somewhere, and then it hits you like a tubesock full of nails, and you know that’s EXACTLY who they look like. Tonight I got this special feeling from Carson and Kunich, but Rubio most of all.

BEST RUNNING MATE;    Romney.  Who, besides his natural charisma,  could initiate Rubio into the mysteries of the Mormon clan prior to his final Osmondification ritual.


Candidate; HUCKABEE
Demeanor; kind and sincere and utterly batshit.



Candidate; CRUZ
Resembles; MIKE NESS with more eyeliner. Really wanted him to point at other candidates and tell them that he just wanted to “give you the creeps, the . . .creeps, the . . .. creeeeps, yah-yah-na-haaaaaaah.”
Demeanor; I’ve only read his crazy on the internet – so I’d assumed that he’d be yelling and flapping his arms, but seeing him say his crazy with a very calm voice was fucking chilling. As if it was the most natural thing in the world to say crazy.

BEST RUNNING MATE;   Fuck if I know.  Mike Muir would be a good choice to leverage Cruz’s LA Punk connections that I just made up into a robust foreign policy (if your Veep is really suicidal and controls nuclear launch codes, you can bet nobody is going to assassinate you!) but maybe a better bet is to stick with the Texas connection and go with Gibby.  GIBBY/CRUZ 2016! slogan ‘SLOWLY SLOWLY THE QE2 LUXURY LINER EVOLVED OUT OF JOHN’S LEFT THIGH . . . FOR AMERICA!’


I’m not going to waste time complaining about, “But that statement was a terrible idea or factually wrong!” Just assume unless otherwise stated that everyone was wrong and lying.

The main impression I got was the huge gulf between the horrible, disasterious-for-the-country things they said and the sympathetic, caring-about-the-little-guy WAY they said those things. I mean I know that’s part of how the game is played, but actualy seeing it in action is a mind-blower.
Other main impression; Christie and Trump and Fiorina seem to be good at responding spontaneously, but there’s no empathy. Huckabee and Kunidch are much scarier because when THEY talk, they seem genuinely emotionally concerned for America’s welfare and the welfare of average people (some other candidates, notably Christie, talked about ‘working families’ , but it seemed fake and pandery so I’ll leave them out). The scary thing is that the policies that Kucnish and Huckabee want are fucked and will make things worse for those very families, raising the question of, are they out of their minds or just the most cynical of the bunch?

(most of the other candidates just spew cliches while buying time to think of a response – particularly walker and rubio you can kind of see the wheels turning in their little brains while their mouth just poots out whatever, and if you’re lucky by the last 5 seconds of their allotted time they’ll respond to the question. They should have made it OK to just mumble REAGANREAGANREAGANREAGANREAGAN until the candidate thought of an answer.)

BRINGING THE CRAZY; Cruz and Huckabee. But Cruz’s crazy seemed rehearsed and purely ideological, but Huckabee’s crazy seemed to come, as I said, from a deep emotional place – as if he genuinely believes that a theological crazy-state is our only hope.

WINNER; Huckabee by a mile. Of course The Man gave him the least screen time, which I call bullshit. Every time dude was on, he said the most interesting shit in the most sincere way.
LOSERS; Rubio and Walker. Both guys talked way too much, and were not just wrong but SO.BORING. Bo-wrong. Wronging?

SCARIEST; Fiorina, Cruz.

SMARTEST; Paul, Fiorina, Kudnich


DID ANYONE EVEN MENTION ANY ALLIES BESIDES ISRAEL? My general impression was that the whole world was just enemies, terrorists, and anti-American dickwads besides Israel. Like I am imagining every GOP candidate teaching a 5th grade geography class; “OK here’s Murkuh, Here’s Is-roy-el, and then. . .. eh.”

WHY are pundits saying Fiorina ‘won’?


I mean besides the fact that pundits are by definition Beavis and Butthead for adults, pre-watching our TV for us and then muttering over it?


We’re not voting for Most Likely To Frost Donald Trump. We’re not voting for Most Gratuitious Uses Of The Word “Festering” In A Debate In History, we’re voting for President. And who wants a psycho android of ANY gender as POTUS?!?


I mean, she’s all like, “Vote for me I’m a businessperson!” Mental exercise; imagine you are CEO Fiorina’s new secretary coming to work for the first day and walking into her office and having her just stare at you with her cold dead eyes and paper-cut mouth. Admit it- you’d pee yourself. She’s exactly the type of mean boss you DON’T want to work for.


And I know that women both in business and politics face this fucked-up double-bind where if you are at all emotional you get slammed as hysterical or PMS, but if you don’t show emotion you’re a frigid bitch. But still – everyone has had female bosses that negotiated that contradiction while being orders of magnitude less scary. Plus to be fair, the media has certainly jumped on MALE candidates for being too emotional – especially Trump and Christie, and with good reason.

MOST ROBOTIC; Fiorina, Carson, Walker, and. . . Trump? Trump gets a special mention here because I swear there are tiny drones hovering right outside the camera frame, with tiny invisible wires holding up the outside corners of his eyes, which makes him part robot.
* the way everyone strenuously dry-humped their podium while answering the question about Reagan. You couldn’t see it because it was out of the frame, but you could clearly hear the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of hips pounding the false wood veneer.

* Fiorina and Trump’s mutual dirty-laundry air-out battle  was pretty jaw-dropping. Haven’t seen shit like that since the time the Italian porn star divorced the world’s sleaziest artist/con-man.

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