Tokyo Damage Report

curmudgeon with a bludgeon, part five

201 Every Single Talk Show Ever Is So Boring I Can’t Even Be Bothered To Get Mad About Them (Which Makes Me So Pissed)
202 All 12-Bar Blues Jams Vs. The High Notes In Chinese Opera (Vs. Earplugs)
203 The Second That crumpled up used saran wrap with food moisture Leaves My Bowl, It Becomes gross like an old random sock on a street corner
204 whoever invented venetian fucking blinds vs. A Lethal Hail Of Maximum Velocity Pisscicles
205 Dispersing Adagio Movements By Force
206 Solo Cutters (Your Song Is Now Half As Long, You’re Welcome)
207 Intro Killers (Fade-Ins Don’t Work If You’re A Half-Deaf Old Rocker)
208 Find Fucking To-Do List (Is First Item On New To-Do List)
209 Aliens Invade, Turning All Girls Yelling WHOOOOOO Into Hans Moleman
210 They Turn Back To Normal After 24 Hours
211 Except They Have Pancreatic Cancer Now (Bug or Feature?)
212 People Who Write “Class Of ” On Their Cars Can Kiss The Class Of My Sphincter
213 Thank God Your Motorboat Has Tribal Tattoo Decals On It Otherwise I Would Remain Forever Unaware Of Its Badassedness
214 It Is Appalling That Even ONE Movie Has Been Made Re; A Woman Coming To Terms With Her Relationship With Her Mother
215 If An Instrument Suddenly Sounds Better And You Don’t Know Why, (Thank A Ring Modulator, Jabroni!)
216 Won’t You Come To My Rave Party? (Hands Flyer Soaking With Crab Jizz)
217 This Is How Much I Care About How To Pronounce “Microscopy” (Holds Aloft Single Hydrogen Atom Between Forefingers And Thumb)
218 I’m Twitter And I’m Mad This Pop Star Doesn’t Share My Politics (Because God Forbid I Drag My Radical Subversive Ass Out Of The Top 40) (Also I Need To Shut Up And Listen To Diamanda Galas)
219 Mother Of Sweet Satan Will No Amount Of Paperwork Satisfy The School Nurse?????
220 Be A Private Contractor Making Unuseable Yet Mandatory Websites For The Government (Because You Flunked Out Of Felching School)
221 Two Bureaucracies Both Insist The Documentation From The Other Is Flawed (And Yet *I* Am The One Who Gets In Trouble)
222 (Also Both Refuse To Fax Anything To Each Other (“To Protect Your Privacy”) So I Have To Fucking Shuttle Little Sheets Of Paper Back And Forth That Have Exactly Nothing To Do With The Services The Bureaucracies Are Supposed To Provide)
223 I Wonder What Ever Happened To Fallout Boy (Wait . . . No I Don’t)
224 Can We Just Admit That All Our Cherished Beliefs Are Just Arbitrary Meaningless Rituals Used For Social Chesion?
225 What If I Said Please? (Word To Stikky!)
226 Maybe It’s Time To Retire The Word ‘Sir’ (If Police Routinely Kill People While Sarcastically Saying It)
227 227 Reasons To Rock Out With ‘The Bludge’ (Each Reason Is A Song I Didn’t Make You Sit Through)
228 Marky Mark Crushed By Falling UFO Waste-Product (Funky Bunch Commits Ritual Seppuku)
229 Smartphones: Pacifiers For Adult Babies
230 Fuck, My Family Is Home (Again!)
231 Execute The Tsunaryev Brothers Because They Failed To Blow Up Most Of Boston
232 We Are Charging You $30 To Re-Buy Software You Already Bought, Because You Changed Computers (Also The “Improvements” To The New Version Consist 100% of Making The Interface Unreadable, Which Probably Could Have Been Done For A Mere $25)
233 I’m Avast! Anti-Virus And My Response To Letting You Get Infected On My Watch Is Basically A Little Pop-Up Window Offering To Sell You A More Powerful Upgrade.
234 Sure, State Farm, I Would Love To Devote An Entire Morning To Signing Up For Your App, But Only If You Send Me Junk Mail Advertising That Option About Twice A Week, Forever.
235 I’m So Sorry For Walking On Your Personal Jogging Trail, Sweaty Irritable White Dad Yelling At Me While Running Away Like A Bitch
236 What Kind Of Demon God Makes A 100% Carb Diet Bad For You???? (Word To Sourdough)
237 “Happy Birthday” Song Against Law And Punishible By Death (In Related Developments, National Anthem Now “Cuss Words” By Too $hort)
238 NSA Announces That Every Instance Of Software Not Working With New Version Of Windows Will Be Punished By Executives’ Kids Being Arrested On Blatantly Trumped-up Terrorism Charges
239 BMX Bike Kid Vs. Human-Sized Ant Lion Embedded In Race-Course (Make That A Bakers’ Dozen Human-Sized Ant Lions)
240 Bench Betta Have My Monkey!!
241 Hey White Dad Who Cut Down All The Trees In His Own Front Yard To Make More Room For His Christmas Lights Display In Fucking October (I Will Seriously Sew Every Single Light Into Your Scrotum And Crank Up The Juice)
242 Fucking Goat’s Always TROTTING
243 Abusing The Orph (Fatwa Burana)
244 The Quality of the New Yorker Is Wildly INconsistent From Issue To Issue!!
245 Daylight Savings Time Chows A Whole SEQUENCE Of Granny Parts
246 The Concept Of Planned Obsolesence Deflates My Pessary Something Fierce!
247 A Well-Placed Ostritch Kick Could Do Nothing But Improve My Bass Intonation
248 I’m Multicultural (But You’re Appropriating)
249 How Dare You Diversity-Trigger My Shame-Dentity?
250 Fuck You Future Self (You Have To Compose Music For All These After All, Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. Miles November 3rd, 2015 6:27 pm

    This gets better and better.
    #231 is heartlessly offensive… And f’ing hilarious!

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