Tokyo Damage Report



The new Michael Moore film reminded me of a misgiving I’ve been having for awhile now. Because, while not in his top 3, this is the second film where he actually goes abroad to see how other countries deal with problems we have here in America. But nobody else does that! Why?

It’s weird how even liberal, anti-patriotism, international-looking news outfits (your Democracy Nows and so forth) don’t care how other countries solve problems.  Like they only care about other countries when something awful happens that they can blame on USA.

(which itself is a weird form of American Exceptionalism – this idea that the CIA did bad stuff, so therefore if ANYTHING bad happens, it’s because the USA is behind it, or supports it, or whatever. Like we’re the only country capable of fucking shit up)

(“Oh the Egyptian dictator or the Ukranian militias are backed by Washington – therefore those guys are our total puppets,  we’re 100% to blame if anyone over there so much as scrapes their knee, and if we hadn’t interfered, the dictators and militias would doubtless deal with internal dissent by taking away snacks.” – I mean, they don’t say that outright, but that’s how they cover things).

So that’s always bugged me, but with this crazy 2016 election, All-Trump-All-The-Time media environment, it’s even more important that we look at other countries.  Because, while Americans have spent the last 3 months trying to pick up our collective jaws off the friggin’ floor,  banana republics have for decades had a ‘wacky strongman-with-some-kind-of-theatrical-gimmick’ as a standard category of politician. Not just in Presidential elections – but in local or Mayoral elections as well.  So they’re ahead of us. They have a lot to teach us about how that shit works, and what to expect.

But patriotic Americans don’t like to admit what we’re turning into, and ultra-liberals don’t like talking about third world countries unless it’s a ‘poor brown victims of American Imperialism’ angle.

And since it looks like the shocks and surprises are going to keep coming, maybe some news outfit should try to stop REACTING and get AHEAD OF THE GAME by talking to some banana republic journalists, and giving them a chance to explain what America’s future is going to look like.  Send correspondents to the Philippines, Peru, I dunno . . . Nigeria? Anywhere politics is flamboyant and theatrical. (pro tip: start with Catholic countries) Anywhere people campaign for local dog-catcher wearing cop-shades and fake medals.  Find out ALL the gimmicky, crackpot candidates, and the various strategies they use, and make a database.  Available on the internet.

Whether liberal or conservative, whether white or Black, native-born Americans are used to thinking of banana republic elections as nothing but exercises in mindless violence and deathsquads, but that’s just the national elections.  They do propaganda and ads and slogans and scapegoating and infantilizing of voters over there, too. And while a lot of those third-world wacky-strongman-with-gimmick tactics wouldn’t translate to a high-tech USA media environment, a lot of those WOULD.

In fact, I’m – you know what, fuck it.

My kids need college money. I’ma start my own political consultancy firm for forward-looking American politicians.  For a flat fee, I’ll let you subscribe to my newsletter that details all the banana-republic election gimmicks (from the last 40 years!) that, as America declines, will start to be frighteningly relevant.

For extra money (the Gold Member level), I’ll sell you a database that outlines which gimmicks from across the third world can be adapted to social media and cable news, which will save you the trouble of weeding out all the crap gimmicks I sold to the suckers who only wanted the basic package.

And of course at the Platinum level, I’ll personally instruct you on HOW to adapt those gimmicks to our American new-media environment.  Sorry everyone, I’ll make the world a shittier place, but if I don’t do it, some TRULY evil mother WILL, and then I’ll be cut out of the moolah loop.

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