OK here’s my damn 3/6 Democratic debate report. It’s a mixture of things they really said and things I made up; hopefully my snide running commentary will help you tell which is which.
Actual Anderson Cooper on Nancy Reagan: Her strength and advocacy in the fight against Alzheimer’s and drug abuse will always be remembered. We would like to pause of a moment of silence in honor of Mrs. Reagan.
Man I wonder what Olympic gymnast they hired to perform the moral contortions required to twist that sentence into something resembling praise. Alzheimer’s, drug wars, pretty much the same thing, right?
Notional Audience member: “Hey, remember the time Nancy helped put millions of people with Alzheimer’s in jail with mandatory minimum sentences, and pumped for giving African American drug addicts full treatment?”
Fuck outta here.
Fictional Exaggerated Senator (FES) Bernie’s opening statement : If we fix Flint’s pipes, restore infrastructure generally, that’s not just saving lives, it’s making jobs. Now people say, “Oh where are you gonna get the money for your weird hippy ideas like ‘not poisoning children’, where’s the money coming from?” Uh, if you give people jobs they can pay more taxes, dumbass.
“Yeah but I don’t want my taxes paying for jobs.” I got news for you, bunghole: your taxes ALREADY ARE PAYING FOR JOBS. All those millions of low-wage full-time jobs that STILL leave the workers too poor to afford food or medicine – you’re paying for medicare and food stamps for the workers, you’re subsidizing the wealthiest fast food companies and Walmart and shit.
Fukin’ make REAL jobs cleaning shit up, instead of selling junk food and cheap plastic crap. It’s how we grew our economy for generations before ‘trickle down’ became the trend. Fuck outtaheah. It’s been 35 years of trickle-down. Hey Michigan, isn’t that enough time to decide if a theory works? Whaddaya say, Michigan? Exactly what has been trickling down onto you for 35 years?
“Where’s the money gonna come from Bernie?” (suddenly gets Scottish accent) Moan tae fook! Plus, where’s the money coming from NOW for the wars? Same rules apply, ye daft wanker. Where’s the money coming from for the bailout? Where’s the money coming from for the fucking F-15 the navy doesn’t even want? Same rules fooking well apply, mate. Where’s the money coming from for the Caribbean and Hawaiian holidays for congresspeople which we’re expected to believe are ‘work meetings’ or ‘fact finding missions?’ (without warning switches back to Brooklyn) Fuck outtaheah, there’s money for that.
And don’t forget: people who think my shit costs too much, that it’s not serious, THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKED UP YOUR WATER IN THE FIRST PLACE. “Well they didn’t pay, so they must be punished.” Brain-damaged kids bad, but debt, worse, end of story. They’re loan sharks. They may wear very tasteful suits and appear on serious networks like CNN, but they’re fuckin’ loan sharks, and what do we do to loan sharks, extortionists, leg-breakers and child-poisoners? We throw ’em in fuckin’ jail. Bernie OUT, . . . . ya wee gobshite soap-dodgers ye.”
Question from audience for Fictional Exaggerated Secretary (FES) Clinton: They tell us we can’t have clean water because our city is broke. It’s broke because jobs went overseas. Didn’t you and your husband support trade treaties like nafta, gatt, etc, that took the jobs overseas in the first place, and will take more jobs with TPP and TISA? And after sacrificing our city on the altar of neoliberalism, now you come back talmabout you’re going to help us?
Oh, and a follow-up question: eat a dick.
FES Clinton: “Good question, Nicky. You could start by paying your fucking bills. Sure, I helped send your jobs to Bangladesh, and they ain’t a-comin’ back until US sweatshops are even more shitty than Bangladeshi ones. But get a new hustle. Start a social media company. Oooooh, wait, a foundation. Start one of those. I hear they’re *cough* doing pretty well these days.”
Cooper: “Would you like to try that again, Madam Secretary?”
FES Clinton: “I feel your pain, and I dodge your question. Is that better?”
Cooper: “Yes . . . . incredibly, somehow that is the case. Fictional Exaggerated Senator Sanders? Your answer?”
FES Sanders: You see what she did there? That’s politics 101. If a president wants to NOT do something, they say ‘This issue is so important that. . . .I’ll be happy to work with congress. Yeah, that’s it. Have them write some shit and I’ll pass it.’ Because they know congress can’t or won’t do SHIT. If a president really wants to do shit, they’ll just rock an executive order, like Obama did with dream act. ‘I promise to do this specific plan and I’ll do it on my own if I have to.’ So now that I hipped you to this tactic, watch for the Secretary to use it later this very debate! Oh, the suspense!
Cooper: Fictional Senator, would you like to further belittle your opponent?
FES Sanders: Sure. I can fix your shit by taxing Wall St. But what about all the other cities which are about 5 months away from BECOMING Flint? We gotta think big to solve this. We gotta look at long term root causes instead of sound bites.
You’re poisoned because broke. Broke because jobs left. Jobs left because globalization. So the root cause is globalization, what the fictional exaggerated young lady just asked about. Your other enemy is privatization. Here’s how THAT works: City government broke because people unemployed. Unemployed don’t pay taxes. City needs money fast, sells off utilities like water to private companies, the private companies hike the rates.
They say I’LL raise taxes? Fuck outta here – you’re paying 3 times average for poison water. THAT’S a tax. But it doesn’t go to government to pay for other services like replacing lead pipes, it goes to private companies that prey on you. So you’re paying a HUGE tax, and they complain MY taxes will be too high? Such a mishegoss.
So your 2 enemies, and enemies of all the other cities teetering on brink, are globalization and privatization. Now axe yourself, America; which candidate on this stage has taken a metric fuckton CUBED of money from globalizing privatizing corporate skin-dick motherfuckers? Yeah, I said it.
Cooper: Remember, Senator, the rules to which you agreed clearly state that you must answer this question in the form of a Your Mother joke.
FES Sanders: Spending on infrastructure pays off in the form of jobs and economic growth! For instance at least 500 jobs alone can be created by stabilizing and shoring up Your Mother. Of which 100 are forklift jobs, so you might want to get certified.
Only Slightly Exaggerated Version Of Actual Cooper: Yes, my mother IS grotesquely overweight. But, what, you want big govt to help people? Isn’t this whole Flint disaster a problem created by government?
FES Sanders: Whatever you say, Mr. Daily Haircut. The government was basically steamrolled by corporate lobbyists and corporate money, they took the government over to enforce their trade deals, and now people blame the government, so they want to shrink this no-good gov’t even more, which makes it even easier for corporations to buy legislators, and it’s a vicious circle. You know this, you fake-ass albino creep.
Both candidates feeling Flint’s pain: Your city sucks in so many ways!
Audience: Yaaaaaaaaay! We have been waiting so long for someone to acknowledge us in any way, so yaaaaay.
(The Flint reporter guy looks coked-out AND Satanic.)
Also this debate is so fucking boring. It’s 23 minutes in and they’re still talking about pipes. Not racism, globalism, privatization, austerity . . . which are all super relevant, you don’t even have to stop talking about fucking Flint to talk about those. It’s just, ‘I don’t like your poison-water.’ ‘Well I don’t like it even more.’ ‘Well I double triple don’t like it.’ ‘Well I super duper to infinity don’t like it.’
COOPER: Yeah but do you like it? C’mon guys, play along. We got another 2 hours almost to fill, and I left all my other questions in my other shorts.
AUDIENCE PERSON: How will you keep jobs in America?
FES CLINTON: Three letters, honey: TPP! This sovereignty-sodomizing devil-contract will ensure our environmental and workplace-safety standards are below China, so not only will we keep some version of the jobs we already have, but also everyone from Russia to Bangladesh will be moving their factories back HERE! (begins crip-walking flagrantly)
Wait, I kind of like her real answer even better: “What Trump said. Next!”
(seriously, she basically gave a milder version of Donny’s “I’d fine corporations that move factories overseas.” Does anyone know if she was saying it before Donny started getting huge ovations for saying it?)
Also, as long as we’re taking a little break, let me say I love the dynamic of the debate, or really, the whole primary in general:
Sanders: blah blah corporate inequality ding dong taxes!
Crowd: huge applause
HRC: What he said but even MORE, but also that won’t work.
And then the day after every debate:
Pro-Clinton shill: Yeah Bernie’s so unrealistic his plan is silly.
TV host: But what about Clinton’s agreeing with him?
Shill: Oh that’s realistic because she won’t ever do it. Duhhhhh. She’s just stealing his thunder. Think about it, fucking noob.
Only Slightly Exaggerated Basically Real Clinton (hereafter referred to as OSEBR Clinton, because I’m assuming everyone is a David Foster Wallace fan and is OK with unweildly made-up acronyms): Oooh if everyone voted the way sanders voted, Detroit would never of been bailed out, and you’d lose fourty-squiventeen gakrillion biji-quillion jobs.
FES Sanders: (Dolomite voice) Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! If everyone voted the way I voted, DETROIT WOULDN’T OF LOST THE JOBS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Did you not hear just what the fuck I said about trade deals? Plus, and motherfucking also, If everyone voted the way I voted, the big 3 wouldn’t be making more money off of loans and Wall St financial scams than they are off of cars. Because Wall St would never have gotten deregulated, so the car companies would still be in the car business. And if everyone voted like me, the workers’ pay would have increased with your productivity, so you-all would be able to afford the fucking cars, thus creating demand for more jobs THAT way.
‘Voted the way I voted’, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. (Pause) Hey anyone want to see me do Seinfeld next? (Pause) How about Michael Richards?
Fun party game: obtain debate transcript online, replace every Bernie instance of “wall street” with the phrase “your mother”, read aloud in his voice. Repeat for “your grandma” “your brother” and, if guests absolutely refuse to leave, “your little sister Lou.”
OSEBR Clinton tackling the issue of her bank bailout vote, head-on: Obama made me do it. His letter was notarized. It had a shiny seal on it. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Who among us can look into our hearts and say truthfully we can turn down a shiny seal? (pause) Do it. (pause, flaring nostrils) Look deep into that bitch. Everyone. I can wait all –
Cooper: Madame secretary, we have many more-
OSEBR Clinton: (through gritted teeth) I SAID I have all night.
OSEBR Sanders: release the transcripts of speeches.
OSEBR Clinton: (makes faces in response)
a) How long did it take HRC to rehearse that shocked-but-amused exasperated half-smile? That’s a super specific expression which communicates nonverbally, “OMG can you believe this guy is still bringing up such a thoroughly debunked myth?”, and
b) How did she even get to the mental state where that strategy even OCCURRED to her as an OPTION?
Oh my GOD – now I got it! That’s where she got that oddly specific expression: it’s vintage Reagan, from his viral ‘Oh there you go again!’ soundbite. I wonder if the campaign consultant who pitched that to her explained where it was from, and in what terms did they explain it?
Fuck this marijuana I swear is making me smarter and funnier. Listening to old Looney Tunes soundtracks over the debate is not hurting, either.
FES Clinton: I totally told wall street to knock it off – I was very stern in my lecture. Like remember in the 90s when I gave black super-predators a really stern lecture instead of leading the most severe wave of hyper-incarceration this country has ever seen? Remember that?
FES CLINTON : I called for a lot of reforms. I have a RECORD. Of not pursuing any of them beyond saying vague words. I totally said some words though. Which is more than I can say for my opponent with all his ‘actions’ and ‘concrete policy proposals’ and ‘vote doing’.
Oh my god, I just got ‘SATIRE-HOUSED’. . . . her real answer was so much more fucked up than my attempts at parody. This is what Nonsatirical, Actual Clinton said:“How can campaign contributions be bad, if President Obama took more wall st money than anyone???”
Someone please put this HRC quote in the inevitable supercut of GOP debate moments where Trump and Cruz openly state that money buys votes. This debate just got a whole lot GOPpier.
OSEBR Sanders: I’ll promise if elected to send bankers the fuck to jail. Hey Clinton, you wanna copy that one too? Huh, Clinton? (begins calling her in a sing-song, “Warriors come out an play-y-y-y” voice) Cliiiiiiiiiiintonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn????
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: No bank is too big to fail. No banker too big to jail. No one too dirty to give me superpac dough in the mail. Or I guess electronic wire transfer, nowadays, but . . . in a way that rhymes, somehow. (pause) Man, fuck you, audience. This isn’t 8 mile. You’re lucky I even gave it a shot. (pause) Oh also I helped pass Dodd Frank which is the most strict anti bank law since Great Depression.
FES Sanders: Oh you passed dodd-frank, so that solves the problem? Ooh, the strictest bank regulations evaaar? Dafuq?!? Here’s how fuckin’ strict that regulation is: Barney Frank, the author, is now on the board of directors of a fucking bank. That’s how fucking strict that law was. Yeah, you know why he’s on a bank? Because he knows that his law won’t stop the government from bailing his bank out AGAIN when they or their friends crash the economy next year. (glares at Clinton) Your turn, weirdo.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: Well, if we’re gonna argue about the 90s instead of talking about the future which I’d much prefer – how the FUCK was ‘Black Sunday’ better than the self-titled first LP? Are you fu- STONED IS THE WAY OF THE WALK? I COULD JUST KILL A MAN? Fucking PIGS? That shit influenced hundreds of producers AND lyricists – who the fuck copied black Sunday?
Sanders: Mrs. Clinton-
Clinton: I’m just saying–!!!
Sanders: May I speak?
(and so on, homey)
Unreal. Actual But Kind of Paraphrased Clinton on the controversial Import-Export bank: “If we didn’t have that bank encouraging exports, we’d lose jobs here!”
Every part of that sentence has bigger balls than every other part it is a Mandelbrot of balls.
First, exactly the opposite is true, the bank exists to subsidize already-rich companies who fire American workers and move plants to China, . . . but the main balls involve ‘phrasing an ACTUAL job loss which the whole country is aware of as a HYPOTHETICAL FUTURE EVENT.’
Aspiring Satirist Pro Tip: listen to the debates with background music: both the Eraserhead soundtrack AND some vintage RZA beats work, as does the sinister noir of Bohren and Der Club of Gore.
Bernie’s hammering at the Import-Export bank issue managed to break the Oh There He Goes Again Reagan-Response Face Barrier (OTHGARRFB), thus forcing her into her emergency mode: ‘male politician no-no-ing sternly face #3’
FES Clinton: We need the gun makers to be accountable like every other industry, outside of banks . . . and insurance and . . . uh . . . .real estate . . .oh also, by ‘gun makers’ I specifically don’t and will never include all our arms exports to violent dictators. And I trust that neither Sanders or Cooper will call me on it.
Cooper: Are you worried that the audience might make the connection themselves, unprompted?
FES Clinton: Do they fucking EVER??
Cooper: I withdraw the question, Madam Secretary.
FES Clinton: (addressing audience) Jesus, did you hear what this guy said? He thought you might be able to make the connection yours- what a dweeb!!
Audience: Ha ha, fucking dweeb. You’re out of your mind if you think we can connect our domestic gun industry and all the tragedies it causes with our weapons exporting, more weapons sold than any other country, and the global tragedies that THAT causes.
San Bernadino Shooter Watching From Jail or Hell Or Wherever: But – but our rampage PROVES the two were linked: the carnage caused by American arms in the Middle East radicalized us, and the domestic arms industry made it easy for us to get revenge on you guys. You could NOT find a clearer example of how the two forms of carnage undeniably feed off of each other, causing blowback at home, so why do you only exclusively mourn one form?
Actual Mohammed: Man fuck you. I mean you’re right about THAT, but still, I didn’t authorize any of your fucked up violence, so fuck you, you little putz.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Sanders: If you hold manufactures liable for shootings of innocent people then there will be NO gun makers in America.
small devil-version of Sanders who appears in puff of smoke on Left shoulder, screeching: Yeah, and if you stop selling guns, then schoolchildren will stop getting shot the fuck up. Would you want to live in THAT world? Fuckin’ think things through next time, Anderson!
(Jesus. That was on par with anything in a GOP debate)
(But Hillary fans also should take note: you see how specific her ‘make manufacturers and sellers liable for murders committed with their guns’ policy was? You see how she didn’t just say ‘I have a plan on my website!’? You see how she actually made a firm loop-hole-free commitment to which she could be held accountable once elected? You see the difference between that and all her normal, ‘I feel your pain’-type answers? THIS is what a politician sounds like when they actually WANT to do something. When they finally finally finally found an issue where the thing that they want coincides with what their donors will let them do if elected. )
Hillary gives her first convincing speech of the evening, about NRA lobbying shenanigans, but queefs the ending by saying ‘no other industry in America is so unaccountable!’ Which must put a sly chuckle on the faces of her backers as they watch the debate on 3d hologram vision , which is being projected 10 feet tall onto a green mist, which emanates from a grotesquely huge, burning pile of benjamins. Inside a pentagram, duh.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: Imagine how it must feel to be a parent sending your child off to school with a little backpack and a hand drawn ‘I love you’ note inside a old-fashioned brown paper lunch bag full of a mother’s love, and the next thing you hear is that someone was on a rampage shooting up your darling child’s school. And you know who that someone is? He’s been . . . he’s been STANDING RIGHT BESIDE ME ALL ALONGGGGGGGGG AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
FES Clinton on criminal justice / racial pandering: We have to end mass incarceration. Less penalties. Fuck it, you can sell weed right here on the stage. Yeah, come on up here. Somebody gonna sell you weed. Just don’t forget to give a puff to the secret service. They won’t lay a hand on you if they’re high. Fuck it. Come and do all kind of crimes up here. Stab a bitch, I don’t care. You want to see if I’ve really changed since the 90s, here it is, America. (woman runs in front of HRC chasing purse-snatcher, Hillary trips her, hella joints come flying out the woman’s fingers, etc)
Cooper: You’re making a mockery out of this spectacle! Madam Secretary please!
Don Lemon, of all people: Clinton, what racial blind spots do you have?
FES Clinton: (consults notes) I just can’t fucking stand Peruvians. I’ve tried to give them a chance, broaden my horizons and so on – but those flutes and terrible little hats? How can you be that flaming at that altitude? There’s practically no fucking oxygen. It defies physics as well as morality. Oh but also Eskimos. (sotto voice, to Bernie) I mean, Eskimos? Please.
OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: When I was in law school, I had the opportunity to meet a visionary woman, named Mary Right Adelman, who worked with Dr. King who was the first African-American woman who passed the Mississippi bar. I asked her for a job. . . The first thing she did was send me to look at South Carolina, to investigate juveniles being sent to adult jails.
tiny she-devil appearing on CLINTON’s shoulder, screeching: So I went there, and I decided, hey! That’s a great way to get them to heel. Then I told my husband about it in time for his crime bill.
REGULAR BUT FICTIONAL CLINTON: (facepalm)
TINY SHE-DEVIL: Wait, what were we bragging about, again?
FES Clinton: Let’s not forget to repeatedly mention my experiences working for the Children’s Defense Fund, which has given me so, so much – literally decades of political capital, and let me get away with advocating shit that immiserated lots of families, which I would not of been able to get away with otherwise, naamean.
Also, as per Don Lemon, apparently both candidates’ racial blindspots are ‘races other than black.’
That would have been amazing if Lemon blindsided them by having a Mongolian- or an Apache- or fuck it a Malagasy-American (someone from Madagascar) ask that question, so the candidates’ pre-rehearsed “Feeling The Pain Of The Struggling Black Woman In Police State Amerikkka” talking points wouldn’t work.
Seriously I can’t even begin to imagine them spontaneously freestyling a “Mongol-American Pandering” rap, but I bet it would be rad: “A goat in every pot, a Ger in every garag- wait, that defeats the purpose of a Ger. Uh, a goat in ever Ger, wait, are goats outside animals? uh, a garage in every goat. OK I’ll go with that. Garage in every g- you know what, can we fucking move on Anderson? Are you done mocking me? My opponent can have the Mongol-American vote, don’t say I never did you any favors. Goats, Jeez.”
Hillary’s answer to the ‘do you regret using superpredator?’ question was a fucking masterpiece. She didn’t so much dodge it as Matrix out of the way in super slow motion. She started off facing it directly, and the camera angle kept changing subliminally slow, so by the time she’s facing away from the bullet, it looks like that was her original position all along. . . . . Is how a high guy would describe that situation.
Here is the entire, real, answer.
CLINTON: Well, I was speaking about drug cartels and criminal activity that was very concerning to folks across the country. I think it was a poor choice of words, I never used it before, I haven’t used it since, I would not use it again.
Because my whole life, to go back to what I was saying to Mr. Mcgee, is, you know, really, ever since I went to work for the Children’s Defense Fund, is to try to figure out ways to even the odds for people that are left out and left behind.
And I know very well that we have too many kids in our country right now who are living in poverty, who are going to schools like the ones in Detroit that have mold and rodents in them. I saw that in South Carolina. It’s unfortunately across America. So what we have got to do is provide more opportunities earlier in the lives of every child.
That’s why I believe in supporting families, early childhood education, universal pre-kindergarten, help kids be successful. And here is Flint, we’ve got to do more to mitigate against the effects of lead, because too many kids are having the experiences I’ve been told about, where they’re falling back in school, where they are having headaches because of the lead exposure.
LEMON: Thank you.
(Later, after Bernie talks some shit)
Cooper, giving Clinton the chance to respond: “Secretary Clinton, you were invoked.”
Dude, that is some dog-whistle satanic shit right there. Invoked?
(Detroit reporter guy sniffs a line and smirks knowingly.)
Clinton (drops smoke bomb, triggers green gels in the spotlights, hits ‘pitch shift’ button on microphone) WHO HAST SUMMONED HILLKOR, THE BRINGER OF HEELS???
Sanders’ answer to the ‘should we be able to fire bad teachers?’ question is even worse than his gun control answer:
Let’s pretend you asked about free college? Do I want that? Yes, absolutely I do, (pause for applause) . . . so your children can fail out of it after they’ve been mis-educated by some incompetent psycho dead-eyed bullying burnout that is absolutely unfireable! (pause for more applause)
Don lemon: So which one of you is more racist? Seriously, which one? No answer? OK, we got other ways of settling this. Can you try these hoods on for size and we’ll just see ‘who wears it better’?
Real Verbatim Clinton on fracking: You know, I don’t support it when any locality or any state is against it, number one. I don’t support it when the release of methane or contamination of water is present. I don’t support it — number three — unless we can require that anybody who fracks has to tell us exactly what chemicals they are using.
FES Clinton: I don’t support it on a boat. I do not support it in a moat. I do not support it on a funicular. I do not support it, even if a historical analysis of my policies, uh, ummm . . . makes you think-i-were.
(pause) Shout-out Jasiri X!
Side-note: The intensity of Audience applause when Cooper finally breaks media taboo on global warming makes him nervous: “Could it be we pundits are about of step with the people? Or is this applause some freak fluke of a coinky-dink?”
FES Clinton, on clean energy: If elected I promise I will generate enough ‘alternative energy’ to fully 100% power the pipeline funneling me oil industry money.
When cooper actually asks HRC a hard question which is un-dodge-ably specific in its phrasing, her flustered denial has Bernie making THE BEST Alfred E. Neuman smirk, which with blinding speed, evolves into a series of Larry David faces, which I’m not familiar enough with his work to more thoroughly categorize. I just don’t find him funny. Maybe to sit next to on a plane, why not? But on TV, no.
The question in uh question:
COOPER: On the campaign trail, Senator Sanders often refers to (your) fundraiser in January that was hosted by executives from a firm that has invested significantly in domestic fracking. Do you have any comment on that?
Real Clinton: (blah blah blah I respect Bernie) . . . and I just want to make one point. You know, we have our differences. And we get into vigorous debate about issues, but compare the substance of this debate with what you saw on the Republican stage last week.
Fucking WOW. Another Mandelbrot Balls maneuver from HRC. Appeals to a shared disgust at the ‘insubstantial’ level of the GOP debate AS A TECHNIQUE FOR DODGING A SUBSTANTIAL QUESTION. That is some 4th-dimensional-Vulcan-chess levels of shadiness. I ain’t even mad. And the audience loves it!
Finally, we’re to the Boss Level of debates: The Jesus Round.
CRAZY CHRISTIAN LADY: Senator sanders. you are in fact Jewish are you not? Do you admit it?
FES Sanders: Are you fucking serious? Is that a way to ask a question?!?
Cooper, leading chant: OK audience, repeat after me, ‘SAAAAAAAAYYY IT! SAAAAAAAAYYYY IT! SAAAAAAAYYYY IT! JEW! JEW! JEW!’
FES Sanders: I’m proud to be Jewish, because one of our core teachings goes like, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘nothing says ‘pride’ like being bullied into admitting something reluctantly.’ Also, Holocaust.
Cooper: OK, crazy church lady. You also have a question for secretary Clinton? Or have you already done enough to set our party back decades?
CRAZY CHRISTIAN LADY: Do I want to pass up an opportunity to humiliate a second candidate? Was that even a real question, Anderson? (turns to Fictional Exaggerated Secretary Clinton) Maam, we’ve just heard senator Sanders admit to having the horns of the wily Jew, now do you admit to wearing the horns of the cuckold? And, if so, since you both have horns, why are you fighting? (pause) Aren’t you on the same team, in some basic, ontological . . . Oh man (puffs greedily on absurdly thick jay)
Like, what if you stopped debating, like, verbally, and did like a rocky mountain goat thing, you know, a head-butt competition. With your respective morally odious horns. All CRACKOW.
How awesome would that sound over this boss sound system. Oh MAN. (pauses to regard jay) This is good shit. Thanks for letting me score on stage by the way, (pauses to exhale smoke in form of crucifix) you cuckold.
(Rips off mask to reveal sarah palin, activates jetpack, grins manically while blasting through roof hollering wacky, Woody Woodpecker-type mocking laugh.)
Oh shit, oh fuck ME. Once again the actual question is even better than my feeble satire:
REAL CHRISTIAN LADY: To whom or for whom do you pray?
FES Clinton: I submit to the will of almighty and tyrannical Molkor the Magnificent, Molkor the Terrifying, Maker of the Soulblade, Ruler of the Purple Pantsuit, Eternal Unseen Launderer of Foundation Slushfunds! AIEE EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! OI! OI! OI!
FES Sanders: Uh-oh! (pause for yuks) Spoiler alert!
(actually, again, real life is even weirder: Camera is lurching left and right during her answer, which it never did at any time before or after, as if cameraperson is wasted, or perhaps shaking their head ‘no no no’)
Interestingly, surprisingly, Clinton’s answer to Crazy Christian Lady . .. is identical to her answer to her ‘how can you feel a black man’s pain’ answer, both in syntax and in general discomfort. Discomfort so much evident in facial expression or faintness of voice, but evident in a retreat to very abstract and legalistic language.
(I guess it’s an improvement over how Dubya would just stutter and be simply unable to muster any kind of syntax when the subject was not of interest to him, as if only the most exciting supercool stuff in the world was worth the mind-bending effort of accomplishing syntax. Fuck I am perceptive as ducknuts over here.)
Oh my god, I know why her answer is so uncomfortable: she’s treating the supreme being as another constituency to be vaguely pandered to and placated without any specific policy promises. “Jehovah, I feel your pain at your crucifixion, and I promise to definitely form a committee to look in to the matter . . . .if congress should approve said committee, (stares resolutely into middle distance) I just do hope they won’t politicize it.”
God (watching from Heaven): (turns to Mohammed) Soon as she wins, she gonna forget me. You’ll see.
FES Clinton on Christian humility: Humility is definitely an attribute that some humans have, and I have had experts repeatedly advise me that this is a true concept, so I consider myself fully appraised of the value of it.
Any other probing moral questions designed to promote insights and self-awareness? Because my advisors all tell me I’m super good at that.
OK, I’m off to be humble at a $10,000-a-plate fundraiser dinner at Michael Bloomberg’s 4-dimensional hover-mansion.
(begins to teleport directly there somehow)
“SUCK MY DIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii……..