PEACE: Kill the other guy until he stops fighting back.
UNITY: Make people I don’t like shut the fuck up about their dang problems.
JOBS: Make Americans work more cheaply than Chinese sweatshops! THEN foreigners will open factories HERE.
COMPETITIVE: see Jobs.
RELIGIOUS FREEDOM: People of MY religion are free to use the power of the State to impose their beliefs on wrong religions.
FREEDOM: If you-all let corporations go untaxed and unregulated, we’ll let you go back to saying ‘retard’.
TERRORISM: Whoever we just droned to pieces was by definition a terrorist. Otherwise we’d be unjust!
SAFETY: Spies and cops are unaccountable at home, while provoking enemies abroad.
THE COURAGE TO MAKE HARD CHOICES: The courage to end Social Security and Medicare for voters while keeping it for myself and the rest of the Congress.
THE CONSTITUTION SAYS…: Lobbyists say…
SHRINKING GOVERNMENT: Cutting services you need; making you pay for them out of your own pocket at much greater expense.
BIG GOVERNMENT REGULATION: Koch Industries regulation.
NATIONAL DEBT: Cut whatever programs lobbyists don’t like.
RESPECT OUR VETERANS: Add $10M for vets to a $3000M budget bill full of boondoggle projects like flying submarines and hover-leopards.
GREATEST NATION ON EARTH: The country that totally sucks butthole because of all the leeches, takers, illegals, corrupt politicians, immoral Hollywood, atheists, pc police, crooks, and especially those traitors who dare criticize America.
RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS: Every time you hear someone say ‘arms’ or ‘guns’, substitute the word ‘howitzers’ and ‘surface to air missiles’, and see how well the logic works.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: Empathy
ILLEGALS: Every time you hear ‘Illegal aliens should be…’, substitute ‘American employers who hire them should be…’
WELCOME A DIALOGUE ABOUT: How the fuck did you find out about that? Who told you!?
HAVE AN HONEST DISCUSSION ABOUT: Pander to and then forget.
RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM: Both Dems and Repubs are united in the belief that no matter how many undeclared wars he starts without the approval of Congress, no matter how many innocents he drones, Obama is very peaceful and tolerant because he doesn’t use that exact phrase. They only disagree on whether ‘peaceful and tolerant’ is an insult or not.
ISRAEL: $4 billion in military aid per year is a small price to pay for Apartheid and endless war in the Middle East.
RESPECT THE RULE OF LAW: Stop pretending police have to obey laws. You can enforce laws OR obey them – but doing both at the same time? That’s like trying to fly by pulling both legs up with your hands! I mean come on, people.
CORRUPT WASHINGTON DC BUSINESS AS USUAL POLITICS: this refers to our collective outrage at politicians who cynically use that outrage in order to further disenfranchise us. In other words, the people most likely to use that phrase.
SMALL BUSINESSES: Macdonald Douglas’ Country Time Lemonade Stand And Family-Style ICBM Buffet.
ELITES AND INSIDERS: See CORRUPT WASHINGTON DC BUSINESS AS USUAL POLITICS
TERRORISM EXPERT: Retired general now working for arms dealers.
ECONOMY EXPERT: Banker who narrowly escaped fraud charges, now working for think tank.
POLITICAL ANALYST: See TERRORISM EXPERT and ECONOMY EXPERT, but they also want to sell you a book.
I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH CONGRESS TO…: I am not going to do jack shit about this issue, but look forward to blaming Congress for inaction.
END GUN VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY!: Export all the guns to various Arab dictators or African Civil Wars, so we can keep open the only factories we have left anymore.
I PASSED A LAW BANNING XXX: I wrote loopholes big enough to drive a [YYY] through, and nothing changed, but I want credit for it anyway.
CAN YOU BELIEVE MY OPPONENT VOTED AGAINST ZZZ?!?: . . . after I at the last minute slipped in an amendment to the bill which called for stabbing kittens in the lung, but STILL. Can you believe that shit?
I FOUGHT FOR XYZ FOR DECADES: I did not accomplish XYZ.
I TOOK A STRONG STAND: see I PASSED A LAW and I FOUGHT FOR XYZ
WE NEED REAL LEADERSHIP IN THIS COUNTRY: You people ask too many damn questions. How can anyone accomplish things if you keep bitching about ‘rights’ this and ‘conflict of interest’ that, and ‘checks and balances’.
GET THIS COUNTRY GOING AGAIN: This refers to the unfunny Republican habit of using filibusters to deliberately break Congress for a good 6 years, and refusing to do any work until a Republican is elected POTUS, while gambling that voters will blame the ensuing national stagnation on Obama.3 comments