Tokyo Damage Report

Funeral Instructions

 

First, this should cost the minimum possible. Ideally, the funeral industry should get zero cents.

The mom-and-pops got taken over by corporate death-mongers long ago.

If you can persuade the county to put me in a refrigerator box and dump me in an unmarked grave for under $25, go for it. Show them this legal document if it helps:

“I, Schultzzz, being of sound mind and not a fucking idiot who loves forcing his grieving family to waste money on bullshit, do solemnly swear, “fuck a funeral.””

If you’re required by law to have a funeral, the priest should only be allowed to read 2 things, while looking the funeral director right in the eye:

1)    An excerpt from the book, ‘THE AMERICAN WAY OF DEATH’, detailing the financial corruption and psychological manipulation of the entire funeral industry, and

2)    A list of all my enemies who I managed to outlive during my life span. After every name, the mourners can reverently say, “rest in PISS”. (list, as of 8/20/2017 attached, signed in triplicate, and notarized by the County Examiner)

 

If you can’t find any priest willing to do this, even for a whole $25, it proves that all religion has been corrupted beyond recognition.

Which leaves you, as the executor, no choice but plan B; THE SATANIC OPTION!

1              Take my ashes home in an urn

2              Put the urn in the middle of a pentagram burned in the lawn with lighter fluid

3              Rent a giant PA, and crank the first two Slayer albums on repeat forever

4              The PA volume should be at such a level that guests have to leave the yard and go into the middle of the street, if they want to converse

5              The funeral doesn’t end until the cops come

6              During the police raid, a tug-of-war over the urn results in the cops getting 100% of my ashes poured on their face

7              At that point, the DJ finally changes the music from Slayer to Yakkety Sax (a mashup is also acceptable, IF IT’S DONE IN GOOD TASTE)

 

 

1 comment

1 Comment so far

  1. mason January 17th, 2018 9:13 am

    This shit made me laugh so fucking hard. Your macabre sense of humor always cracks me up.

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