You dead-ass, prancey, leotard, disco, Labyrinth-hair-ass, botox-mummy-looking-ass Limey! You thought you could outlast Lemmy, motherfucker? Wrong answer!
clapton, you’re next on the list. don’t sleep.
don’t stand next to high windows neither.
George Micheal is a fuckin’ roach. that fool will outlast us all.
Phil Collins gets a pass for his work in Brand X, best fusion outfit of all time. I’m a fan of Genesis too, but Phil’s drumwork in that group was negligible – anyone could have done that shit. But still, fucking Brand X. So while I won’t be SAD if he relapses and dies, I’m not rooting for it.
Plus, U2 and Bruce Springsteen’s tour jets will collide in midair next year. I’m not going to say how I know this, but the ‘material’ has been aquired, the ‘moles’ are all in place: that shit is going down like a Malaysian Airlines jet. All that will remain will be some godawful tribute playlists and someone’s kidney, not sure whose but it will definitely poison several acres of farmland wherever it will hit.
Final image: Andy Gibb, in hell, stomping ‘new fish’ Bowie’s ass, forever. “Wash my drawers, you poser! Wash my infernal flaming drawers, Maytag!”
Honestly I never could tell those two apart.
First, thanks to everyone who commented on the previous post about “how do i get suckers to pay attention to me?”
I’ve decided to put all this year’s writing into an e-book, which I’m proof-reading right now, and should be done by New Year’s.
It’s gonna be called MAXIMUM SCENARIOS. And it’ll be like getting a year’s worth of TDR at once, except no Japan stuff.
I’ll let you know when it’s ready. But meanwhile 2 questions:
1) Where do people sell e-books? Amazon? Is there another place?
2) I agree with people who said this website makes it hard to find old posts. Does anyone know any wordpress plugins that make searching for old stuff eaiser? Ideally, I’d like something where, if you click on a category or tag, then the main part of the page (right here!) will display all the corresponding headlines at once. It would also be helpful to have a button on the bottom of the page saying ‘previous’ or ‘earlier writing’ or something.
OK, thanks again for support, and I’ll let you know when anything new happens.
Meanwhile, here’s a list of
BLUES SINGERS YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF BECAUSE THEY WERE INSUFFICIENTLY BLUE:
Blind Throckmorton Tibbs III
“New Money” Vulcan Skuggs
“Talahassee Tad” Stenthoupse-on-Thwait
“Still Doesn’t Have Personal Reserved Parking Spot at Golf Club” Harrington
Charles “Summer Home Still Undergoing Rennovations” Rutledge
Gingham “Underperforming Hedge-Fund” Tate, of the Boston Tates
Tippy “Cashed Stock Options Too Late” Chandling
“Still Under Indictment For Price-Fixing” Gavingbone
Elliott “Helipad Mercillesly Panned By Best Helipads Magazine” Kensington
“Art Collection Rumored to be Full of Forgeries” DuPont
“Rejected by Skull and Bones at Yale” Thwibbington
Chester “Can Only Pee indoors at Bohemian Grove” Blakesley II
Harrington “Chokes On Own Cigar Smoke” Wealthingsby, Jr.
“Polo Team is Zero for Seventeen” Amherst
“Idiot Snowboarder Son-in-law Back In Rehab” Whittleston
Bartholomew “Second Wife Indiscreet” Covington
“Picked Last for Lacrosse” Yarborough
Woodrow “Trust Fund Dangerously Low” Whibbles-Thorpe
Duke Prickney “Bought Title With Toilet Plunger Factory Fortune” Realduke
Melissa “Inherited Much Less Than Siblings” DeLaChute
Everyone loves to laugh at Republican politicians who vote for anti-gay legislation… and then get caught in a bathroom somewhere, with their underwear wrapped around an undercover cop’s junk.
But I got an even better one for ya – and it’s so underground, neither the left nor the right media have talked about it!
Suppose one professor takes a stand against racial/ethnic cleansing, and as a result, loses his job.
Heroically tragic? Tragically heroic?
But then, there’s a second professor. Who not only disagrees with the first professor re: politics, but ALSO goes the extra step, and attacks the first guy personally, and finds it really ha-ha-funny that he got fired. Who even suggests that the fired guy is buddies with the campus bigot who had him fired. Ho ho ho!
It’s all very hilarious – until the second (asshole) professor, HIMSELF gets fired, for THE SAME EXACT ACCUSATIONS , the VERY NEXT YEAR .
And then screams to the heavens about how unfair it is.
If you read that plot in a Phillip Roth novel, you’d complain that the satire was to obvious and not realistic.
And who is this asshole who makes personal attacks against professors who are standing up for academic freedom?
The Politically Correct darling, Steven Salita.
You read that right.
I used to think that guy was really hip, but honestly now I know the facts, I’m glad they fired him. It couldn’t have happened to a better person.
Incidentally, the first professor is Norman Finkelstein.
And what was Finkelstein’s huge crime? What was the horrible thing that Finkelstein did, that made Salita gloat at his blacklisting from academia? Even though they’re both anti-Israel, and pro-Palestinian?
Finkelstein wants an end to the Israeli occupation, an end to the violence, justice for the victims of ethnic cleansing, and a two-state solution (Palestine as a separate country), and Salita wants an end to the Israeli occupation, an end to the violence, justice for the victims of ethnic cleansing, and . . . a one-state solution (total desegregation of Israel).
What the fuck? You guys are both fifteen feet into a marathon, and you’re throwing blows over how the last 10 inches is going to go? Jesus, no wonder the Left can’t get anything done ever.
Just goes to show, the Left media is NOT going to tell you the whole story. The only reason I even know about this NOW is, Max Blumenthal linked to this article . . . . because he was so up his own ass that he thought it made Salita look GOOD.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Max Blumenthal. I named my cat after Max Blumenthal. But it’s really trifling when people with petty personal beefs use political language to smear the other person. Because they know their twitter followers will respond more to accusations of “so-and-so is an xxx-ist”, more than if they said the REAL reason they don’t like the guy (“so-and-so was rude to me at a dinner party! Hey followers, get him!”). It’s just kind of shitty to use your little fame to rile up a mob for personal reasons. It’s shitty to your fans to use them like that.
201 Every Single Talk Show Ever Is So Boring I Can’t Even Be Bothered To Get Mad About Them (Which Makes Me So Pissed)
202 All 12-Bar Blues Jams Vs. The High Notes In Chinese Opera (Vs. Earplugs)
203 The Second That crumpled up used saran wrap with food moisture Leaves My Bowl, It Becomes gross like an old random sock on a street corner
204 whoever invented venetian fucking blinds vs. A Lethal Hail Of Maximum Velocity Pisscicles
205 Dispersing Adagio Movements By Force
206 Solo Cutters (Your Song Is Now Half As Long, You’re Welcome)
207 Intro Killers (Fade-Ins Don’t Work If You’re A Half-Deaf Old Rocker)
208 Find Fucking To-Do List (Is First Item On New To-Do List)
209 Aliens Invade, Turning All Girls Yelling WHOOOOOO Into Hans Moleman
210 They Turn Back To Normal After 24 Hours
211 Except They Have Pancreatic Cancer Now (Bug or Feature?)
212 People Who Write “Class Of ” On Their Cars Can Kiss The Class Of My Sphincter
213 Thank God Your Motorboat Has Tribal Tattoo Decals On It Otherwise I Would Remain Forever Unaware Of Its Badassedness
214 It Is Appalling That Even ONE Movie Has Been Made Re; A Woman Coming To Terms With Her Relationship With Her Mother
215 If An Instrument Suddenly Sounds Better And You Don’t Know Why, (Thank A Ring Modulator, Jabroni!)
216 Won’t You Come To My Rave Party? (Hands Flyer Soaking With Crab Jizz)
217 This Is How Much I Care About How To Pronounce “Microscopy” (Holds Aloft Single Hydrogen Atom Between Forefingers And Thumb)
218 I’m Twitter And I’m Mad This Pop Star Doesn’t Share My Politics (Because God Forbid I Drag My Radical Subversive Ass Out Of The Top 40) (Also I Need To Shut Up And Listen To Diamanda Galas)
219 Mother Of Sweet Satan Will No Amount Of Paperwork Satisfy The School Nurse?????
220 Be A Private Contractor Making Unuseable Yet Mandatory Websites For The Government (Because You Flunked Out Of Felching School)
221 Two Bureaucracies Both Insist The Documentation From The Other Is Flawed (And Yet *I* Am The One Who Gets In Trouble)
222 (Also Both Refuse To Fax Anything To Each Other (“To Protect Your Privacy”) So I Have To Fucking Shuttle Little Sheets Of Paper Back And Forth That Have Exactly Nothing To Do With The Services The Bureaucracies Are Supposed To Provide)
223 I Wonder What Ever Happened To Fallout Boy (Wait . . . No I Don’t)
224 Can We Just Admit That All Our Cherished Beliefs Are Just Arbitrary Meaningless Rituals Used For Social Chesion?
225 What If I Said Please? (Word To Stikky!)
226 Maybe It’s Time To Retire The Word ‘Sir’ (If Police Routinely Kill People While Sarcastically Saying It)
227 227 Reasons To Rock Out With ‘The Bludge’ (Each Reason Is A Song I Didn’t Make You Sit Through)
228 Marky Mark Crushed By Falling UFO Waste-Product (Funky Bunch Commits Ritual Seppuku)
229 Smartphones: Pacifiers For Adult Babies
230 Fuck, My Family Is Home (Again!)
231 Execute The Tsunaryev Brothers Because They Failed To Blow Up Most Of Boston
232 We Are Charging You $30 To Re-Buy Software You Already Bought, Because You Changed Computers (Also The “Improvements” To The New Version Consist 100% of Making The Interface Unreadable, Which Probably Could Have Been Done For A Mere $25)
233 I’m Avast! Anti-Virus And My Response To Letting You Get Infected On My Watch Is Basically A Little Pop-Up Window Offering To Sell You A More Powerful Upgrade.
234 Sure, State Farm, I Would Love To Devote An Entire Morning To Signing Up For Your App, But Only If You Send Me Junk Mail Advertising That Option About Twice A Week, Forever.
235 I’m So Sorry For Walking On Your Personal Jogging Trail, Sweaty Irritable White Dad Yelling At Me While Running Away Like A Bitch
236 What Kind Of Demon God Makes A 100% Carb Diet Bad For You???? (Word To Sourdough)
237 “Happy Birthday” Song Against Law And Punishible By Death (In Related Developments, National Anthem Now “Cuss Words” By Too $hort)
238 NSA Announces That Every Instance Of Software Not Working With New Version Of Windows Will Be Punished By Executives’ Kids Being Arrested On Blatantly Trumped-up Terrorism Charges
239 BMX Bike Kid Vs. Human-Sized Ant Lion Embedded In Race-Course (Make That A Bakers’ Dozen Human-Sized Ant Lions)
240 Bench Betta Have My Monkey!!
241 Hey White Dad Who Cut Down All The Trees In His Own Front Yard To Make More Room For His Christmas Lights Display In Fucking October (I Will Seriously Sew Every Single Light Into Your Scrotum And Crank Up The Juice)
242 Fucking Goat’s Always TROTTING
243 Abusing The Orph (Fatwa Burana)
244 The Quality of the New Yorker Is Wildly INconsistent From Issue To Issue!!
245 Daylight Savings Time Chows A Whole SEQUENCE Of Granny Parts
246 The Concept Of Planned Obsolesence Deflates My Pessary Something Fierce!
247 A Well-Placed Ostritch Kick Could Do Nothing But Improve My Bass Intonation
248 I’m Multicultural (But You’re Appropriating)
249 How Dare You Diversity-Trigger My Shame-Dentity?
250 Fuck You Future Self (You Have To Compose Music For All These After All, Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
the news media dislike Trump so much not because ‘he’s turning the election into a reality show!’ but because he’s EXPOSING that it’s BEEN turned into a reality show for YEARS now,thanks to those same media. they’re pissed he’s blowing up their spot.
by emphasizing the horse-race aspect over serious policy, by commenting endlessly on personalities and flag pins and terrorist fist-bumps and etc, while censoring third-party candidates and avoiding issues that voters care about but which neither party cares about. . . the ‘real, serious’ media made it a reality show. By Citizens United and 501(c) fraud, they’ve made campaigns all about sponsors and ratings rather than democracy, and profited handsomely from that (who do you think GETS all those ‘unlimited anonymous campaign contributions?’ mostly tv stations, in the form of ad revenue)
So when they complain that he’s vulgar or fake, or that he’s not serious, they’re projecting. Honestly that could be the textbook example for psychoanalysis students.
If you make it a horse-race, eventually a fuckin horse is gonna enter the race.
Having said that, though, I’m halfway convinced that his whole campaign IS a stunt – specifically that it’s a radical viral marketing campaign for an actual reality show debuting in 2016, in which Trump will PLAY the POTUS. (tag line; “THEY SAID HE LOST THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY. THE REPUBLICANS LOST THE TRUMP PRIMARY!”)
Like the producers’ll make a fake White House, a fake Oval Office, and then give him little challenges every week to see what he’ll do, and viewers can pay to ‘vote’ on if he handled it well. “This week; Israel bombs Russia – can The Donald broker peace between them?” He’d be perfect for that because, if you launch a shitload of “nukes” and “blow up the world”, you’ll still be back next week, provided it got good ratings. The producers will lecture him on-camera about how if he really was President the population would be dead or diseased, etc, and he’d just make funny faces in response.
The apocalyptic nature of the show will become apparent in the second season (you think there won’t be a second season?!?); the first season he tried to actually solve problems and not wreck the planet, but the occasions when he lost control got such higher ratings, that by the second season they’ll abandon any pretense that wrecking the country constitutes failure; abandon any pretense that there is any continuity from week to week. every episode is a re-start.
Plus there could be a revolving-door aspect; every real government official who was fired for scandal or incompetence could get a job on the reality show as PresiDonald’s cabinet member, giving him advice and shit. Like all the times during the debates when he answered questions, “Well I don’t know the answer, but if I’m elected, I’ll learn, no prob.” . . . well, those will be the jokers teaching him the answers. If anything, this will only make the show more realistic.
They give him challenges that the REAL POTUS is facing that very week (i.e. russia, china, israel, syria, gun control, immigration) , things that the voters really want the real POTUS to solve for once and for all but he or she can’t ,because in real life those problems are difficult. But on the show, Trump’ll just be like “Nuke ’em all! Pew, pew, pew!! BOOOSHHHhhhh. How you like that, viewers!” and they will. Like it. It’ll be like a wish-fulfillment fantasy. “Why can’t the REAL president do that? Gummint sux!”
THE NEXT REPUBLICAN DEBATE
. . should just be limited to Adelson, the Kochs, Barbara, and Bibi Netenyahu having an on-stage pillow-fight over which one of their pet candidates should win the primary. They’re fed up with spending millions on ads that have very little effect – just settle it like gentlemen, and the losers agree to stop financing their pets, and everyone saves money. Free-market efficiency!!
Also, the next Repub debate is RIGHT before halloween. If that happened in The Simpsons, you’d be mad because, “it’s too unrealistic!” Oct. 28th.
Really, the only way to do it is to watch it with the sound off and Bach’s Tocatta Fugue In D Minor (i.e. The Phantom Of The Opera / Rollerball joint) on loop the whole time. Put some Ted Cruz / Fiorina effigies in the front yard to keep trick-or-treaters from approaching and interrupting. Rad.
QUESTIONS ABOUT NEGATIVE GROWTH AND UTOPIAS
I’ve never seen a right-wing rebuttal to the environmentalist idea of “negative growth.”
Here’s the environmentalists talking; “We’re running out of natural resources and yet all the governments (both communist AND capitalist) PLUS all the corporations are united in saying, ‘We have to produce more every year, we have to grow the corporation/GDP of country or else we are losers.’ So we are wasting our last bits of natural resources making billions of tons of plastic crap that no one even wants, just to pump up the corporate profits and GDP of our overlords.”
And , here’s comedian Doug Stanhope talking; “They say the job of government is to keep unemployment down. I say the job of government is to make unemployment 100%! Let the fucking machines do the work!”
He’s kidding, but it’s a serious point: technology has allowed one worker to do the work of 10 or even 100 people. Especially in areas like farming where once upon a time 90% of the people in the tribe had to spend all day growing or killing food. Now most of us can live our whole lives and never meet a farmer. So if we as a society can get by with just 3% of the population making enough food, why do the other 97% have to do ANYTHING for a living?
Sure, you’d still need people to do medicine and make houses and transport the food. But still if you added up all the people in America or Europe, I bet that all those jobs aren’t more than 10% of the people. So you’re still looking at a good solid 87% of motherfuckers that have to slave away their whole lives doing unnecessesary shit.
I know there are problems with this simplified and utopian way of thinking. But I’m mad that there are no right-wingers attacking it. It’s like it’s so far off the map they don’t even feel the need to defend themselves.
Hey, normal sellout-ass economists!
What exactly would go wrong if a country’s GDP went down?
What would happen if a corporation’s profits went down one year?
What chain of horrible events would unfold from this?
And is that chain of events automatically happen, like gravity or the speed of light? Or would this chain of bad consequences be avoidable by restructuring the economic system?
It’s like the economists that think about shit like this for a living have no background in ecology and never factor shrinking resources into their equations, and the hippies have no background in economics so they can’t articulate what a negative-growth economy/company might look like or need in order to function.
But to me it’s a fascinating debate.
And if square economists and think tank dongs won’t debate me, fuck it. I’m going to have to attack my OWN theory, just to get the ball rolling;
PROBLEM ONE; who would decide which jobs were bullshit?
I mean, human resources people and “image consultants” and “celebrity makeup artists” and people who spray the nice smell onto the toilet tissue at the TP factory, I think we can all agree that these are bullshit jobs. But what about stuff that I like, like musicians and artists? Aren’t these jobs also un-necessary, compared to farmers, doctors and house builders? (my gut response is, that the whole point of getting rid of jobs is to allow people to work less and enjoy life more, so professional entertainers/actors should lose their jobs but regular people should make their own entertainment and build their skills)
PROBLEM TWO; Why should the people laid off from bullshit jobs be rewarded with free food and shelter every month, while the people with “real” jobs still have to work their asses off? “Hey, but at least you are doing legitimate work!”
I guess for a lot of your low-skilled farming/construction jobs you could have people work 2 or 3 months a year, which would give enough time to train them to be semi-skilled workers. But
2a) there would still be a huge amount of labor time wasted, because instead of spending xxx hours training one full-time person, you’d be spending 10xxx hours training 10 part-time people. Hmm. Also,
2b) this still leaves the problem of how to compensate the super-skilled laborers, artisans, jet engine designers, lawyers, surgeons, engineers and etc, who would all have to work full-time, because the training takes years and not many people are qualified anyway.
PROBLEM THREE; if all the folks with bullshit jobs got prematurely retired so that they could lead carefree lives of self-improvement and creativity, that would make a huge increase in demand for books, paint, musical instruments, ceramics, and other “building blocks” of creativity and self-expression. Which would mean that certain OTHER people would have to be rounded up and sent BACK to work to make those things. “Happy retirement! Psyche! Get back to work!”
PROBLEM FOUR; a huge question that is hard to articulate; how would we ensure that the leisure time is “good leisure” (i.e. painting, writing, spending time with family) and not “bad leisure” (boredom, hopelessness, loss of dignity, feeling permanently unemployed, stuck 24/7 with a family you can’t stand, etc?)
PROBLEM FIVE: money! If 87% of the population is not working (or alternatively if everyone works just a few weeks a year) then how do they get the money to pay for necessities? welfare?
I mean if you pay farmers way more than everybody else, to compensate them for having to do work while everyone else is being a poet or fan-fiction-manga draw-er. . . that won’t solve the problem. Here’s why; If you increase their pay tenfold , then they’ll just only grow 10 percent of the crops they grew last year, make the same income they made last year, then take the rest of the year off, and then everyone else will starve. Or if they DID bust ass and make enough food, because lured by the promise of way more money than CEOs and lawyers. . .what would they spend the money on? All the jobs making neclaces and crowns and rolls royces went away.
Also this somehow ties in to the horrifying statistic about how , since the late ‘60s the average American worker’s productivity has gone waaaay up (due to better technology) and yet wages have remained constant or gone down. All the benefits from the productivity have gone to the CEOs and investors, and the skilled laborers got fired and replaced with robots. But they got rehired as burger flippers, who are flipping burgers 3 times as fast as burger flippers did in the ‘60s, so to an economist it’s all the same thing! It’s all good bro!
Here’s some links to a blogger I’ve been following for years, who is convinced 50 years from now there will be no more oil, gas, or electric utilities, and we’ll all be living like covered-wagon pioneers. It’s not a utopia by any means, but he works out the unforeseen consequences of gov’t policy, and the implications for the future, and tiny realistic details of how life will be, in a way that I wish more utopia-nerds would.
PART FUCKING TWO;
Since I was a kid reading too much sci-fi, I’ve always believed the true measure of civilization is; “the more civilized a society is, the more free time everyone will have”
Now I’m older and smarter, I realize that this would be a tough sell to poor people of the world, in areas where they want but can’t get jobs, and don’t have the money to enjoy their leisure time, so they spend it being bored and frustrated.
So, first I have to make some theory of how to tell “good leisure” apart from “bad leisure”, and then somehow structure the utopian vision so that it maximizes the former and minimizes the latter. . . and THEN I can start selling it to The Poors in order to bring the revolution.
To start telling good leisure apart from bad, i’m imagining a sort of matrix.
Small matrix. Don’t panic. the top row is RICH, bottom is WORKERS. Left column is unhappy, right is happy. Simple enough.
LOUCHE. believe it or not, there are some rich people who ALSO can’t enjoy their leisure because bored and no ambition or creativity, and are so isolated within their own privileged networks it never occurs to them to go new places and try new things. so they just get into some decadent shit to obliterate their crushing soul-lessness.
people who are rich enough to spend most of the week doing family stuff, creative stuff, meeting with like-minded hobbyists in RL to make communities, civic shit.
people who DO have a job but hate it. nuff said. working too much, in order to pay debts and etc.
they can’t get a job but lack the a) money to enjoy their leisure, and, ironically just like the LOUCHE, they b) they’re kept so segregated, with few opportunities to experience different lifestyles, art-school training, or different places, that they simply lack . . . well, the imagination to think of free fun stuff. Nobody in Hunters Point is like “Hey fellows, tuesday is free astronomy night at the exploratorium!” pPlus if you’re poor , as they say, ‘you pay with time’, dealing with all the city bureaucracies to obtain food and shelter, penal bullshit., probably a lot of underclass people are busy anyway.
SOMEWHERE IN THERE
probably there should be a box for people who DO enjoy their jobs, or at least enjoy the work-life balance that their jobs give them. I’ve never met anyone like that, but – devil’s advocate – I’m assuming they’re out there, and probably I should talk to a few of them, if I want to solve the problem of “How do you tell essential workers – doctors, house-builders, farmers, truckers – to keep working when all the non-essential workers (human resources fuckos, junk-mail printers, musicians, people designing 4-color graphics for happy meal packaging, etc) to take a permanent vacation?”
Like I said, utopias are hard.
I am also working on an epic progressive rock tune in 11/7 time on this exact theme. There will be poor-quality imitation Mellotrons.
Oh, also, here’s more from me about why we need more crackpot utopia theories from random average fuckers.1 comment
building on the whole ‘pope’s round hole’ spiel. . ..
1) Everybody remember the Judean Peoples’ Front, from Life of Brian? (as recent republican squabbling shows, this is not a disease of just the left, although we are much better at it). Compare that to the PC trend of asking would-be feminists, “are you a White Feminist?” – while the same PC activists asking it totally leave racists and women-haters alone. I’m trying to think of how to solve this Judean-Peoples’-Front problem so that both right-wing and left-wing loonies can stop bickering, stop burning out after too many personal attacks, stop feeling back-stabbed and butt-hurt over tiny tiny differences, and get on with their various revolutions. Actually that’s probably going to accelerate the end of the world, but fuck it, let’s make things interesting.
My solution is based on last week’s discussion of HISTORICAL SQUARE PEGS and THE POPE’s ROUND HOLE . . . where I said that everyone’s ideology is NOT a logical party platform, rather it’s a grab-bag of dozens of random, often contradictory positions, beliefs, taboos, and policies. We go along with it because we’ve been told it’s ‘a thing’ and it seems to be popular, and then we work backwards to rationalize connections between the individual beliefs. (i.e. ‘Democrat’ is an ideology, but the individual ‘planks’ or ‘beliefs’ are like, anti-death-penalty, pro-recycling, pro-abortion, pro-welfare, pro-tax, anti-gun, etc.)
This is because ideologies are like languages, they ‘inherit’ tons of spelling and grammar contradictions and exceptions and randomness just by historical accident. . . .like how English has four different sounds for the letter ‘a’, and tons of weird grammar (the plural of fish is NOT ‘fishes’) , just because English is a combination of half-a-dozen incompatible European languages thrown in a blender a thousand years ago. If an ESL student asks “Why do you have an ‘e’ at the end of ‘have’ if you don’t pronounce it?”, There’s no explanation and no point, as Miller says, in looking for one.
Same with ideologies! If you were working from scratch, you’d never put anti-death penalty and pro-abortion together. And what does pro-recycling have to do with anti-gun? Can’t we just recycle all the people we murder and execute?
Here’s a mental exercise in the form of an online game . . . if you’re a web programmer reading this, help me make this a real thing;
A screen, with all the hot issues of the day on it. Just a list and nothing but.
You click a button, and the words ‘pro-‘ or ‘anti-‘ randomly pop into existence before all the issues.
As a player, your job is to construct some logical, if totally batshit, ideology that CONNECTS TOGETHER all the totally random political ‘planks’ into an internally consistent ‘platform’. It’s surprisingly easy. And it helps encourage lateral thinking, at the same time it helps us see how random our own personal ideologies are. Well, maybe that’s overselling it. It helps us see how random our OPPONENTS’ ideologies are.
Perhaps people in trouble could click to get ‘hints’ in the form of the inspirational-yet-vague abstractions that politicians and religious leaders have always used; words like ‘because god said’ or ‘freedom of choice’ or ‘jobs’ or ‘defense’ or ‘diversity’.
As a ‘reward’ for completing the game, they get to make a NAME for their new, batshit political party, and post the screen-shot for other users’ amusement and/or scoffing. People could ‘join’ the parties, as a way to reward users with the most funny / creative / logical new ideologies.
That’s not my solution to the J.P.F. problem, though. That’s just by way of explaining what i think the roots of the problem ARE; for any ideology – any -ism, any religion, any party . . .the boundaries are super vague and this leads to feelings of betrayal and butthurt when person A who is a self-described “XXX-ist” meets person B, who is also a self-described “XXX-ist”. . . but then A discovers that B only shares 50% of her specific issues. This classic mistake is because A doesn’t realize that an ideology is made up of literally dozens of individual policies or beliefs. And because many of those are contradictory, even the most hardcore member of the ideology can hold more than , say, 2/3 of the individual beliefs. It’s naiive and counterproductive to think having the same ideology means that the other fool agrees with you what specific things need to be protested, in what order of priority, and how they need to be protested.
The reason people DO assume that, is that ideologies are ASSUMED to be logically deduced from unassailable first principles.- an assumption always encouraged by leaders. If individual activists really realized that their shit was just a random hodge-podge, then they’d stop assuming that everyone else claiming the same ideology must therefore agree with them. And when I put it like that, it’s harder for me to be mad at people instigating the bickering.
So, my idea is, why not abandon ideologies altogether, and just get together around specific issues?
Well, because then people would get back to dumb inter-group petty fights over HOW TO TACKLE the specific issue. “You want gun manufacturers to use high-tech-fingerprint-activated triggers? But. . .but i thought you were FOR gun control! You traitor! Everyone knows that the ONLY way to get gun control is by lawsuits!”
So, ok, let’s get together around specific solutions to specific issues. This would not only cut down on pointless infighting, but also it would increase the number of people in your group. Think about it- not only would you benefit from people NOT dropping out of activism because they’re disgusted by infighting, but you’d ALSO get a bunch of people from OUTSIDE your normal group who agree with you on this one issue, but never came to meetings before, because they didn’t agree with the rest of your ideology. And by establishing trust with THOSE people, maybe, heaven forbid, they’d come to your OTHER protests (even if they didn’t give a shit, just because a) they trust you now they’ve worked with you, and b) because you trust them and agreed to (sigh!) help with THEIR other boring issues).
Plus and also, since these new groups I’m proposing are based on very specific, limited real-world changes, there would be no time wasted on general cliche rhetoric, no more discussion of saving the whole world or who is more oppressed than whom, no (eeughh) ‘theory’. If you’re going to some meeting to change a specific law by a specific means, you don’t have to agree on anything else or argue about which issue to tackle first and then deal with all the butthurt people who thought THEIR shit should be first, etc. You don’t have to fight about what the inevitable post-revolution paradise should look like – you’re at a fuckin’ meeting about rent control. It’s a way of taking everything back down to earth.
So how to accomplish this?
I’d like to see a REAL social network. Here’s how that would work. “Signing up” would consist of 4 steps.
first, choose from a nigh-infinite list of specific issues, or invent your own (which other users could then see).
And then, choose from a sub-menu of specific ways to solve those issues.
Third, you’d choose how much of a shit you gave (i.e. enough to do a hashtag once a day, enough to go to a physical meeting, or a demo, or get arrested, or ‘anything goes’).
Finally, it would ask how far you’d be willing to travel to meet new activist friends.
And once you were signed up, it would let you know how many people within xxx miles of you gave a shit about your issues.
Put another way, the default expectation is that NOBODY AGREES WITH YOU.
If you are a feminist, or a muslim, or an anarchist, or a racial justice activist, or an oath-keeper, a Patriot, an anti-immigration nut, whatever whatever. It’s not gonna connect you to other people in that ideology – it’ll connect you to people of ANY ideology who agree with you on how to solve one specific issue. No more bullshit assumptions. No more, “How DARE you call yourself a feminist when you haven’t done ANY anti-female-genital-mutilation tweets in the past month! You’re just a white supremacist!!!”
Maybe an additional good side-effect is that, if someone is really off-the-charts pure, and they THINK “Well, most people from My Group secretly agree with me – my 10 online friends all say so! –they agree with us but they’re too scared of The Man to say so! That’s why they need a Vanguard of people to lead them to the CorrectThinking!” . . . maybe joining this social network and finding out that they have zero friends within 100 miles will be a reality check. Then they search for , say, more moderate groups (on the same issue) in their area and find like 500 people. And then they’re like, “Hmm. Either everyone is more brainwashed than I thought, or my constant purity-testing of those around me is actually hurting my ability to accomplish anything.”
Who am I kidding? They’ll decide everyone is just brainwashed. But still, having those people NOT at your meetings is STILL an improvement!
It could be a nice fiction story – some activist hackers putting together this kind of social networking site in order to make it easier to do demonstrations, but in the end it turns out that the real impact of their site was NOT making more demos, the real impact was getting rid of ideologies, and ‘theories’ , and bullshit assumptions, and replacing them with individual issues, and down-to-earth policy changes. Like in the best case scenario, in the future, instead of people trying to pigeon-hole themselves into the top 3 or 4 ideologies, an then being super mad that their group didn’t totally agree with them, . . . everyone would have totally random lists of issues with elaborate fantastical personal ideologies that tied together these random positions. and people might even compete to have the most elaborate or weird – although internally consistent – rationalizations.
Just like the online game above!1 comment
Hey look! someone who shares one or two of my views! Yaaay!!!! I’m going to thoughtlessly assume that they share ALL my views, and then get confused and angry when I find out they do not! the back-stabbers! Just like the last 1,000 times that happened! clearly the problem is all the other people! how dare they not fit into my ideological pigeonholes!
is this common bullshit situation a byproduct of the internet age?
and, if it IS a new thing, is it just american? Or all over?
Or is it a human instinct since caveperson times, and I’m just noticing it now?
(the feeling of betrayal or frustration is not just that the person disagrees with you about this-and-that; I’d say mostly the anger is a subconscious fear that one’s personal classification system is inadequate, and blaming the other person for THAT).
often this stupid anger results from the super disloyal fact that the other person shares SOME of your identity-groups but not all (i.e. the ‘hastag white feminism’ brouhaha)
. . . but just as often it results from the other person’s ideology being a product of an Old Time; i.e. their ideology was made before your personal ideological pigeon-holes even existed, so of course it doesn’t fit neatly in the ‘my group’ or ‘enemy group’ slots.
Let me back up; I happen to think that all ideologies (well, all except YOURS) don’t have ANY ‘first principles’, even though they SAY they do. actually ideologies are historical accidents; everyone’s label (i.e. conservative/feminist/progressive/[insert name of religion]) is a hodge-podge of random beliefs (this is forbidden, that is compulsory, this other thing everyone does but should feel ashamed of anyway, etc.) , mostly grabbed because at some point in the distant past, ‘the other team’ grabbed belief “A” and your group (at the time) reflexively grabbed the ‘opposite’ position. In other words, ideologies are like English spelling and grammar – full of exceptions and weird contradictions, because, history. Like how English is a mongrel language made of half-dozen random contradictory European languages put into a blender, and that’s why it’s hard to learn. How do you explain to an ESL student that the vowel ‘a’ has four different sounds, depending on the word, because Ostrogoths and Ancient Greeks disagreed about how to pronounce it, and ancient Brits never bothered to choose one or the other? And how would that explanation even help them if they DID understand it?
Anyway, we inherit a bunch of random contradictory beliefs, call it an ideology and WORK BACKWARDS to rationalize some logical first principle (always weird abstract things like ‘freedom’ or ‘honor’ that can basically be stretched to cover any plank) that connects them.
Furthermore, I think you join the first group that would HAVE you, because you’re a social animal, and then work backwards to rationalize why this group is superior to all others. Of course , segregation (both economic, relgious, and racial) is beloved by leaders, because the more segregated you are the less likely you are to think outside the group you were born into, so ‘the first group that will have you’ is basically your family and determines your ideology from birth until you die.
So NOW we can discuss this funny phenomenon that is in the newspapers a lot recently because of the Pope’s visit to USA;
P. Francis is anti-capitalism and anti-climate-change, but also anti-gays, anti-women, and anti-abortion. this makes americans fip the fuck out, because we’ve been raised in an environment where (anti-capitalism=pro-abortion) for example, or (pro-climate-change=anti-gay) EVEN THOUGH THOSE POSITIONS HAVE FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. we try to fit the catholic chruch’s 1800-year-old square peg into the round holes of (repub vs democrat vs PC), but it doesn’t fit because NONE of those ideologies (R,D, PC) were even AROUND when the Church was making its ideology. when i explain it like that, it’s common sense that the Church doesn’t fit.
But what is NOT common sense, is how we get MAD at the square peg of church doctrine for not fitting into our round holes. like it’s THEIR fault. Sure, ANY INDIVIDUAL PLANK IN THEIR PLATFORM is their fault . . . but it’s NOT their fault that ALL their positions don’t fall neatly in the R/D/PC holes. regardless of which group YOU belong to, the “Pope not fitting entirely inside OR outside your ideological box” problem is a weakness of YOUR pigeon-hole system, not the pope, you Jarboni. Thus, Americans on ALL ideological sides unite in complaining “How DARE you Catholic clergy not consult American political activists 1,800 years in the future when you made up your platform!”. assholes.
Other things like that;
Ancient Sparta; ; if you turn Spartan society one way, it looks like a perfect democracy that treats all citizens equally, where everyone has much more of a say than they do now. If you tilt it just a little bit, it looks like some crazy eugenic fascist paradise. that’s not sparta’s fault for being contradictory or weird, it’s becuase YOUR mind is full of weird assumptions that “if you believe xxx , then you have to believe yyy too.”
Populism; For example, Texan Representative and Speaker of the House during the FDR times, Sam Rayburn. Rayburn was like from the poorest classes of society, and hated 2 things; 1) rich, east-coast bankers/railroad monopolies, and 2) how the african-americans weren’t slaves anymore. According to Robert Caro’s wonderful LBJ biography, Rayburn’s office only had pictures of 2 people; FDR and Robert E. Lee. So in today’s terms, that would put him to the left of Bernie Sanders AND to the right of Trump. Again, it IS his fault for being a racist little fucker, but it’s OUR fault for assuming “anti big bank = anti racism” or “anti-black = pro-big-biz”. From HIS point of view, the Union side of the Civil War was financed by East Coast Bankers, AND the same bankers that were foreclosing on white texan farmers in the 1930s and 40s, so even though his views are kind of repellant, they DO have more of an INTERNAL consistency than today’s politics.
old-school Greek sexual identity; has elements of straight culture, elements of being gay, but again, doesn’t slot neatly into either compartment. Even if you asked an ancient Greek if he was gay, while he was in the process of butt-fuckin’ a 14-year-old boy, he’d be like, “no, of course not. I’m not Gay in the sense of little shorts and house music and Margaret Cho and knowing about designers, and all the other cultural baggage that seems to go along with butt-fuckin’ in your craaaazy future world. I got a wife, and 3 kids, and right now I’m just doing my (grunt) social duty to (grunt!) train this young man in our society’s ways. Later I will teach him an artisinal or military trade, but for now, it’s butt-fuckin’. ” Don’t get mad, PC police – I’m quoting what my (David Sedaris On Helium-Sounding-Ass) Gay Studies teacher said on the first day of class, back in the ACT-UP 80s. That dude was really smart, but I honestly couldn’t take the fingernails-on-blackboard adenoidal voice, so I dropped out, which makes me sad now.
also, for extra credit homework; how does Odious Feminism fit in your personal ideological pigeonholes? Historically, women from restrictive patriarchal households have found ethnic cleansing, or religious wars are very empowering! because, if they join the right hate-group, not only will they be allowed out of the kitchen, but they can rise up in the organization, and order the men around, which they would otherwise never be able to do. Asking “is this real feminism or false feminism?” is a total ignorant question, a way of slapping a one-word label on some complicated shit, instead of breaking the ‘ideology’ into its component beliefs and then analyzing the beliefs one by one.
two fast examples;
Put THAT in your intersectionality and smoke it.2 comments
candidates in order of I could remember who they were.
Resembles; CALLISTA GINGRITCH LM.D. vers.2.0
Demeanor; evil android
BEST RUNNING MATE; The Old-Dirty-Bastard character from Orange Is The New Black.
Resembles; HAWKEYE in 10 years
Demeanor; sincere, practical, common-sense over ideology. But at the same time, everyone farmiliar with the vast world of X-rated Avengers fan-fiction knows that Hawkeye is BY FAR the guy that gets dominated by the other heroes. And he’s not even a power-bottom, he’s usually a rape victim. Show me ONE doujin where Hawkeye penetrates. I’m just saying, if other world leaders are as obsessed with x-rated Avengers fanfiction (I’m saying ‘if’, but clearly that is the case, especially Putin and Netenyahu), then they will NEVER be able to take Kunidfh seriously.
BEST RUNNING MATE; Tony Stark. They’d have this whole cheny/dubya thing going on.
Resembles; HANNIBAL BURRESS in 10 years. The sleepy eyes, laid-back speaking style, even the weird speech impediment.
Demeanor; high AF
i thought his style was like “I’m a doctor so I’m smarter than a regular politician!” but actually his shit was incoherent and – just like a regular pol – he didn’t even take strong positions on things. So what is he doing there?
BEST RUNNING MATE; Eric Andre seems almost too obvious, maybe go with someone that would make Carson seem hyphy in comparison. That’s it; CARSON/ INANIMATE CARBON ROD 2016.
Resembles; THAT ONE GHOSTBUSTER I don’t know his name because I hate ghostbusters. Full disclosure; also hate Porkys, Back to the future, and all the other movies that amounted to a ‘sad little coming of age ritual’ for my generation. Really wanted him to take out a magical vaccuum from his ghost-busting-backpack unit and attempt to suck Trump into it, but of course that doesn’t work in real life, and there would be this awkward silence afterwards.
Demeanor; “My mom is making me do this because 2 Bushes in the white house is not enough for her, and I’m scared of her. I know I’m going to lose and be humiliated, but have YOU tried saying no to Mom?”
BEST RUNNING MATE; Barbara
Resembles; JOHN STEWART. I know it’s an old joke but I have not seen the real Trump speak since the ’80s, so yeah, Stewart is my only reference point -for the same reason that I assume that pop songs are just covers of Weird Al songs which I haven’t had the privilege of hearing yet. I was like, “Man this guy’s Stewart is dead-on. But why is he doing that? Stewart isn’t even that popular with Republicans.”
Said; trump stuff. It’s amazing watching him speak to official, respected politicians as if they are contestants on his reality show. Again, I’ve heard people say that a lot, but seeing it in RL is amazing.
BEST RUNNING MATE; Gene Simmons (But then Simmons would later defect and start his own party with Nicky Minage with the slogan IF YOU’RE GONNA ELECT A BULLY, DO IT RIGHT)
Candidate; CHRIS CHRISTIE
Resembles; GIANT ORANGE LEFT ON HOT SIDEWALK FOR EXCESSIVE PERIOD OF TIME. “If elected president, I will save taxpayer money by letting my cabinet dwell in my giant faical pores, from which they will pop up when i need adivce, like human wak-a-moles.”
Demeanor; Almost Trump. What’s amazing is not so much that Trump managed to get popular being an ‘anti-politician’ , but that Christie has made a career being a mainstream pol WHILE BASICALLY ACTING LIKE ‘TRUMP LITE’ the whole time. Dude is great at seeming like a ‘regular guy’ and very spontaneous, while at the same time saying policies that will screw actual ‘regular guys’. He’s good at ACTUAL spontaneous come-backs, but oddly, when he slips in some pre-written zingers, he absolutely CAN’T make them sound spontaneous -they always come off as fake and rehearsed. That being said, though, whoever he has writing his zingers is way better than anyone else’s zinger-writer. Frankly that person is being wasted on Christie.
BEST RUNNING MATE; Al Pacino in fat-suit (playing the role of his life as Michael Moore)
Resembles; GENERIC WHITE DAD L.M.D. No, wait, SYRIA’S ASSAD. the lack of chin, the too-close eyes, the super-soft-looking-yet-actually-inhumanly-vicious resume. Assad would definitely play Walker in the movie. Assuming he’s not decapitated. (Assuming WHO is not decapitated? Walker? Assad?) (Either)
Demeanor; bloodless and ideologically driven. Not only can he not do the ‘regular guy’ thing, but he seems genuinely uninterested in how his policies even affect regular people – his attitude seems to be, “LOOK, MY ECONOMIC THEORIES ARE SOUND. IF THEY DON’T WORK IN REAL LIFE, THAT’S FUCKING REAL LIFE’S PROBLEM.” And you know who ELSE puts ideology above real-world stuff? Communists. Communists and fundamentalists. AND unlike Huckabee or Cruz, he can’t even make his crazy be entertaining. He’s cra-boring. Bor-zy. You can’t even hate him properly because he’s such a little grey smear of a man.
BEST RUNNING MATE; anyone slow enough that he could catch them and force them to stand next to him for the next year. So . . . maybe Christie?
Resembles; SOME UNHOLY COMBINATION OF LEGOLAS AND EAZY-E.
Demeanor; It doesn’t matter that his answers were some of the most intelligent and fact-based of anyone; he could rattle off the most coherent, technically detailed, lucid analysis of a policy problem,utterly devoid of empty rhetoric . . . as soon as he finishes talking, a small voice in my head yells out TEN POINTS GRYFFINDOR!! Honestly some other candidate should pay someone in the crowd to literally yell that. Also he needs to capitalize on Straight Outta Compton by growing out the back of his Jheri-curl and wearing Locs. Maybe a black hat with custom Olde English writing that spells out FREEMARKET.
BEST RUNNING MATE; a no-brainer; Gimli/Cube
Actually, fuck that. GIMLI/CUBE 2016
‘MAKING MOHAMMED RHYME WITH ‘VOMIT’ SINCE 1993′
(dead serious, not made up)
Resembles; DONNY OSMOND!!! There is a special feeling when you have been looking at someone for literally hours thinking you have seen them before somewhere, and then it hits you like a tubesock full of nails, and you know that’s EXACTLY who they look like. Tonight I got this special feeling from Carson and Kunich, but Rubio most of all.
Demeanor; sweaty and fake and talking over Huckabee. VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I BELIEVE EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE ELSE HERE BELIEVES, BUT IT’S MORE FUN FOR ME IF I’M PRESIDENT INSTEAD OF THEM.
BEST RUNNING MATE; Romney. Who, besides his natural charisma, could initiate Rubio into the mysteries of the Mormon clan prior to his final Osmondification ritual.
Resembles; PADDINGTON BEAR
Demeanor; kind and sincere and utterly batshit.
Said; MUSLIM ABORTIONS WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS ARE COMING FOR US!!!
BEST RUNNING MATE; Grace Jones
Resembles; MIKE NESS with more eyeliner. Really wanted him to point at other candidates and tell them that he just wanted to “give you the creeps, the . . .creeps, the . . .. creeeeps, yah-yah-na-haaaaaaah.”
Demeanor; I’ve only read his crazy on the internet – so I’d assumed that he’d be yelling and flapping his arms, but seeing him say his crazy with a very calm voice was fucking chilling. As if it was the most natural thing in the world to say crazy.
BEST RUNNING MATE; Fuck if I know. Mike Muir would be a good choice to leverage Cruz’s LA Punk connections that I just made up into a robust foreign policy (if your Veep is really suicidal and controls nuclear launch codes, you can bet nobody is going to assassinate you!) but maybe a better bet is to stick with the Texas connection and go with Gibby. GIBBY/CRUZ 2016! slogan ‘SLOWLY SLOWLY THE QE2 LUXURY LINER EVOLVED OUT OF JOHN’S LEFT THIGH . . . FOR AMERICA!’
MAIN OVERALL IMPRESSION;
I’m not going to waste time complaining about, “But that statement was a terrible idea or factually wrong!” Just assume unless otherwise stated that everyone was wrong and lying.
The main impression I got was the huge gulf between the horrible, disasterious-for-the-country things they said and the sympathetic, caring-about-the-little-guy WAY they said those things. I mean I know that’s part of how the game is played, but actualy seeing it in action is a mind-blower.
Other main impression; Christie and Trump and Fiorina seem to be good at responding spontaneously, but there’s no empathy. Huckabee and Kunidch are much scarier because when THEY talk, they seem genuinely emotionally concerned for America’s welfare and the welfare of average people (some other candidates, notably Christie, talked about ‘working families’ , but it seemed fake and pandery so I’ll leave them out). The scary thing is that the policies that Kucnish and Huckabee want are fucked and will make things worse for those very families, raising the question of, are they out of their minds or just the most cynical of the bunch?
(most of the other candidates just spew cliches while buying time to think of a response – particularly walker and rubio you can kind of see the wheels turning in their little brains while their mouth just poots out whatever, and if you’re lucky by the last 5 seconds of their allotted time they’ll respond to the question. They should have made it OK to just mumble REAGANREAGANREAGANREAGANREAGAN until the candidate thought of an answer.)
BRINGING THE CRAZY; Cruz and Huckabee. But Cruz’s crazy seemed rehearsed and purely ideological, but Huckabee’s crazy seemed to come, as I said, from a deep emotional place – as if he genuinely believes that a theological crazy-state is our only hope.
WINNER; Huckabee by a mile. Of course The Man gave him the least screen time, which I call bullshit. Every time dude was on, he said the most interesting shit in the most sincere way.
LOSERS; Rubio and Walker. Both guys talked way too much, and were not just wrong but SO.BORING. Bo-wrong. Wronging?
SCARIEST; Fiorina, Cruz.
SMARTEST; Paul, Fiorina, Kudnich
DID ANYONE *NOT* SUCK UP TO ISRAEL?
DID ANYONE EVEN MENTION ANY ALLIES BESIDES ISRAEL? My general impression was that the whole world was just enemies, terrorists, and anti-American dickwads besides Israel. Like I am imagining every GOP candidate teaching a 5th grade geography class; “OK here’s Murkuh, Here’s Is-roy-el, and then. . .. eh.”
WHY are pundits saying Fiorina ‘won’?
I mean besides the fact that pundits are by definition Beavis and Butthead for adults, pre-watching our TV for us and then muttering over it?
We’re not voting for Most Likely To Frost Donald Trump. We’re not voting for Most Gratuitious Uses Of The Word “Festering” In A Debate In History, we’re voting for President. And who wants a psycho android of ANY gender as POTUS?!?
I mean, she’s all like, “Vote for me I’m a businessperson!” Mental exercise; imagine you are CEO Fiorina’s new secretary coming to work for the first day and walking into her office and having her just stare at you with her cold dead eyes and paper-cut mouth. Admit it- you’d pee yourself. She’s exactly the type of mean boss you DON’T want to work for.
And I know that women both in business and politics face this fucked-up double-bind where if you are at all emotional you get slammed as hysterical or PMS, but if you don’t show emotion you’re a frigid bitch. But still – everyone has had female bosses that negotiated that contradiction while being orders of magnitude less scary. Plus to be fair, the media has certainly jumped on MALE candidates for being too emotional – especially Trump and Christie, and with good reason.
MOST ROBOTIC; Fiorina, Carson, Walker, and. . . Trump? Trump gets a special mention here because I swear there are tiny drones hovering right outside the camera frame, with tiny invisible wires holding up the outside corners of his eyes, which makes him part robot.
* the way everyone strenuously dry-humped their podium while answering the question about Reagan. You couldn’t see it because it was out of the frame, but you could clearly hear the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of hips pounding the false wood veneer.
* Fiorina and Trump’s mutual dirty-laundry air-out battle was pretty jaw-dropping. Haven’t seen shit like that since the time the Italian porn star divorced the world’s sleaziest artist/con-man.No comments
If It Ain’t Too Early For Election News Bullshit, Then It Ain’t Too Early For Facaetious Bumper Stickers
NINA HAGEN / GRACE JONES 2016!!!
“Do The Math Bitches!
All Basic Motherfuckers Better Duck”
LAURIE ANDERSON / DIAMANDA GALAS 2016!!!
“You Are Not Prepared For This Administration”
TED CRUZ / ANGELA DAVIS 2016!!!
“The Huh? Whaaa? Party”
BERNIE / LEMMY 2016!!!
*a vote for us is a vote for our immortality vats*
“the .mpeg stays offline until I get elected!”
“ditto, but vice versa”
“throwback ‘golden-age’ white beefs”
TRUMP/VAN WINKLE 2016!!!
“bringing back OUR culture”
“the half-green, all-mean party”
HILLARY CLINTON/ MIKE PATTON 2016!!!
A Vote For Us Is A Vote For EEIGHGUASHUUHHHHoooooo
JEB!/ STEPHEN-KING-KILLED-JOHN-LENNON-GUY!!! 2016!!!
“Everything Is Explained In Our Van-I-Festo”
“The Great Depression”
TRUMP/SIMMONS ~~Richard(_) Gene(_) Russell (_) *check one* 2016!!!!! "But Probably Gene, Let's Face It"1 comment
First, good news; Kanjidamage now has official Anki cards, courtesy of a user named miwuc.
Bad news is, I’m stuck in a damn vicious circle. Nobody comes to this site anymore, which diminishes my incentive to post, which causes people not to come. But also, more imortantly; i’m now up against all of social media.
So that explains why I’m not posting.
The OTHER good news is, I have hundreds of new posts written, enough to fill a book, or half a book if you just count the good stuff. Everything from dead-serious politics to fiction, jokes, lists, fake bands, imaginary tv shows, skits, and so many many many descriptions of anthropology experiments I’d like to conduct if I were an eccentric millionaire.
But – and this is where you people come in – what the fuck should I DO with it?
Start a new wordpress which even fewer people will read?
Post everything on Facebook and then spend an hour a day ‘liking’ dumb peoples’ updates about their Starbucks or their kids or whatever, hoping they’ll ‘like’ my posts back?
Send emails to semi-famous left-wing authors that I have never met, urging them to read and promote me? (Dear Naomi Fucking Klein, I am your biggest fan! I’m sure you hear that all the time, but in my case it’s the truth! Just like your books! Now that I’ve checked out YOUR books. . .)
Tap into some existing community or online network of users that routinely reads / comments on each others’ blogs?
To me that seems the most plausable!
But where is there a community for people into Peak Oil politics…
AND Slayer jokes…
AND 5,000-word analyses of fictional musical subcultures….
AND Pynchonesque conspiracy theories based on the cryptic memorial inscriptions of park benches….
AND like seriously over a thousand fake names for fictional characters (for example; Mallomar Curvature, P.I., Duuche Finkubus, Flab Gander, Gunter Fembott, DelMar Multiple-Hyena)…
AND long serious essays about the blind spots in human cognition . . .
AND absurd one-liners like ” . . . as you leave a store where you were a polite customer, give a real mean glare to the first person you see outside and tell’em, “You didn’t see NOTHING!””
To me the diversity of my material is the strength but in today’s micro-targeted user-demographic search-engine-algorythm age, the diversity is a fucking liability.
I’m convinced, though, there ARE some readers out there who are just as pissed off and random as I am that WOULD like to read some shit like that. You yourself are evidence of this. So how to get “hits”, as they used to say in the 90s?
(I realize that this is a fairly common problem in this day and age, and obviously nobody’s solved it otherwise the solution would itself be ‘the next facebook’ with all the problems that come with THAT . . . .)
That said, I’m not expecting to make any money or get like a million hits or be some Huffpo columnist. If I could get back to where THIS site was 10 years ago, I’d be happy. That’s what makes me think this goal is do-able.
Leave suggestions in the comments, or email me if you know my shit, Osbourne Cox.