48 Saxophone Solos Fill Me With An Un-nameable Dread
49 Fight For Your Right To Nap
50 The Mariah Carey Xmas Carol Slow-Jam Album On Trial At The Hauge For War Crimes
51 The Japanese Men’s Volleyball Team Builds A Whole Cabinet Out Of Butts
52 Is There Any British Dance Trend That Americans Won’t Fall For? (Learn From History, People!)
53 Never Enough Bookcases
56 Weird, Baldy-Ear, No-Goal-Havin’ Motherfuckers (Talkin About Cats)
57 Nobody Can Convince Me Stevie Wonder Has A Good Song
58 Or A Bearable Song
59 Why Would You Eat Mayonaisse (If You Wouldn’t Eat Cum)
60 Lament of the Return of the Itch of the Wang-Rash
61 Bon Jovi Beheaded By ISIS Like Five Times In A Row (How Would That Even Work?)
62 Hey Plasmatics Soccer-Mom, Slow Down With The Blonde Highlights (You’re Freaking Out The Squares)
63 Anthony Bourdain Gitmo Manowar Rectal Feeding Fatality
64 Sasha Fere-Jones (Reviews The New Album By A Leaking Woman’s Butt) (It’s Not An Album (He’s Not Reviewing It))
65 It’s OK, I’m Wearing A $10,000 Watch
66 Suede Boots Are An Idea No One Should Have
67 It’s My White Priviledge (To Hate Australians For No Good Reason)(Actually Several Good Reasons)
68 Fretless Bass With Chorus (Brings The Sadd)
69 Let’s Turn A Fun Bike Ride Into A Grueling Ordeal To Teach Our Little Kids Bullshit Lessons About LIfe (Because We’re Terrible Parents)
70 Q: Are We Inconcievable Tools? A: No (Because We’re Not Rahm Emmanuel)
71 If A Fat Grandpa’s Turds Had A Twitter Presence AND An App, Would You Buy More Of Them? (People Making $800,000 A Year Say ‘Yes’)
72 I Went To The AT&T Store Because You Overcharged Me And Your Response Is To Try And Sell Me MORE Stuff (You Are A Dick In Regards To That)
73 Short Songs And Long Titles (That’s The Curmudgeon With A Bludgeon Promise)
74 Can We, As A Family, Please Stop Calling The Cat ‘Vadge’?
75 It’s Not “Shut The Police”; It’s Either “Fuck The Police” or “Shut The Fuck Up” (You’re Damn Four Already, You Should Know This)
76 Jerkwater Mutants (Abound In This Town)
77 Why Must I Wait For A Million Pretend Cars (You Tri-color Fascist?)
78 People Used To Actually Think That “Soooooo Fiiiine” Was The Highest Praise (History Has Since Vindicated Me)
79 Miss Grace Jones Bites Half The Population’s Neck Off (I Ain’t Even Mad)
80 Robert Smith Beheaded By ISIS (Beheaded By Bearded Al Gore (Beheaded By Morrissey (Beheaded By Wendy O. With Multiple Chainsaws))))
81 When My Son Came Out The Woumb, The First Sound He Heard Was ACE OF SPADES (And His Own Screams)
82 Step-And-Repeat On Your Nuts, Front 242
83 All Singer-Songwriters Fight All Power Balladeers To Death With Mittens (Also, Geysers of Poisonous Stingrays)
84 Don’t Try To Fuck (When I’m Alphebetizing Comics)
85 The HELL You Didn’t Just See That Light Turning Green, Mister!
86 All Muzak Everywhere Replaced With Venom, Forever
87 Diamanda Galas Disembowels Madonna (With A Hole-Punch (Over The Course Of Two Weeks))
88 McMansion Made of Meat
89 Yippy Dog vs. Manhole Tentacle
90 90 Songs And I’m Still Pissed (The Fuck Is My Problem?)
91 Who Buys Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick Deliberately Intending to Take Home, Leave On Countertop Overnight, And Have For Breakfast? (I Married Her)
92 My Will Specifically Instructs The Funeral Director To Blow His Mom
93 In Junior High, Some Hessian Said At His Funeral, He Just Wanted Them To Play Slayer’s Black Magic Over And Over (I’m Still Down)
94 Think You’re Antisocial? Try Being A Prime Over 10 Trillion
95 Be A Pharmacist At CVS (And Then Suicide)
96 Only A Dingus (Tolerates Bossa Nova)
97 Hipster Compactor
98 Conspiracy Theories Have Gone Downhill Since Lyndon LaRouche (Step It Up, Wingnuts)
Rapper of puppets, pulling your cremaster
and calling me out , is like calling out Hastur.
The Gran-Mal Master ! Hassan I Sabbah!
Manatee on a rack like a rap Torquemada
Flunked the Invisible College
Library of Congress on a microchip knowledge
Mystic initiate! ballistic pistol spit!
My Remote-control Tesla physics are intricate
the aggravated marovingian ; tribe of butt-surfin’ indians
savior DNA descendant, necrovated revnant sniper
open the ark of the covenant,
found God’s diaper and a stench that’s repugnant
The laprascopic canteloupe
Time-share a lair with Hank Scorpio
Keep Obama’s real birth cert in a Greyhound locker in Idaho
illumiNAT-eye, controls OCCupy, controls 7-11
controls hot 97, controls mosanto, controls the kgb channel,
controls the wolf of wall st, controlls scientology
controls the UN, the Pope, and the corner swap meet!!!
(you can’t hide the truth!)
ViewMaster full of lost gnostic gospels, rotating!
i’m e-bayin’ a bible, autographed by Satan
R’yleh real-estate speculatin’
Norman Bates and Orly Taitz,
totally Tape-tradin’ deleted expletives,
Nixon administration decadence!
Descendant of Midian, cross-bred with amphibians
Safedeposit box in Fort Knox with the world’s first plastic titty in.
gave a reptillian a full brazillian
just for the map to Yamashita’s bullion
to finance the construction
of the blueprint of the world’s largest Funnyun:
it’s the size of Montreal,
me and Diddy in a sauna plottin schemes with Monte Hall
(Don’t be fooled by frauds! click this link!)
Found the philosophers’ stone in the whore of babylon’s uterus
for you to comprehend my cosmological constant is ludicrous
beyond-NSA crypto-analyst, ripped on cannibus
predict the fall of empires, Adam Weishaupt status
Injira straight from Addis Ababa, like Sabra-CAdabra
badder than bad brains’ Coptic Times
that’s why i rock these rhymes on illuminated manuscripts
third-eye monks can’t understand my shit
Lex dick with Luthor cleverness, got a secret base in Mt. Everest
JFK killer confession on microfiche in my sweater-vest!!!!!
catch me at Bohemian Grove, drinkin’ Lean in a robe
inflame Dull Care apparatus to gain Full Player status
So we can scheme and control
My fez decodes transmissions from Sirius
tinfoil baffler, esperanto yeti
microchip minions tear a wingnut to confetti
they so small minded
Put a false flag up Alex Jones’ behind and, dared him to find it
Smacked up David Ike and made him run those Nikes.
I’m the one they ARE after, everywhere and nowhere like DARK matter
while you trying to capture my decoy cadaver
I’m singing doo-wop with bat-boy, sasquatch, and a dope southern rapper
private eyes try, but it’s no use. too many bogus clues
for those that approach the truth,
I’ll leave you dead geometrically
cut into simple shapes like Ed Emberley.
LSD, let ME see the ineffable clearly
find the kid alternate-timeline chililn’ with President Leary
Keep a loaded Necronomicon in the Book Depository
Bildeberger murder story, coup d’etat
got Cheney’s original heart
in an Egyptian jar, in the Conservatory
When the jewel is decoded, Rosicrucians start shootin’
pollutin’ water supply with PCP, dye #5, and GM gluten
it ain’t my fault, Iwas at the U.N.
in the secret top story
playin’ mini-golf with Crowley,
JR Ewing, Ross Perot, and Ras-putin.
Omega reflex. Mr. T clone army — in matching t-backs.
grown in a vat in Nevada
madder than a matador giving lap dances to a labrador
Ancient tomes bound in finest velour
Line after line of mystic manure
Panknotic manuscripts on the kid’s kindle
OBL hiding in a convent with lipstick and a wimple
Price code for your soul!
Masonic mind control from Opus Dei
In the Vatican basement blastin’ “Walk This Way.”
watching Kissinger pop-lock with Lyndon LaRouche
win or you lose:
global dom break-off while the faithful above steady sitting in pews
sheep men idiots, terrestrial pinks.
bred for service, with bread and circus to keep them oblivious
flat screen soma over dosin’ on frivolous gibberish
slave to the subliminal spectacle
with raptor DNA implanted in your vegetables.
cadence impeccable, Cosmic Trigger affiliate.
downloadin’ specs from the monolith – future tech,
Government cams in your Doritos data-mine your tonsoliths
The eschaton custodian, no atom-bomb.
start WWIII with poop-scooper fulla plutonium
back masking, multitasking,school shooters under-a-spell
had a rummage sale and sold H.Y.D.R.A. a used juicer!!!!!
People love jobs. I mean we hate jobs, but we love the fact that we can eat food not made by Alpo, in a house.
Every pundit, from Communists to Capitalists, from Republicans to Democrats to Friedmanites to Kenyesians agrees that increasing the amount of work everyone does is super, which makes sense considering that their jobs are “giving speeches and writing columns read by millions”, and they probably enjoy those jobs. Probably a lot of people working at Hot Dog on A Stick would enjoy those kinds of jobs, too, but somehow the pundits and politicians and economists aren’t that interested in creating more of THEIR KIND OF jobs. So.
Given that we’re running out of clean air, water, and oil, the idea that more jobs is the answer to everything is weird.
Especially weird, given that we in America have so much EXTRA STUFF that even poor people have to spend money they don’t have on giant foul-smelling ‘storage units’ to keep the extra stuff in, while at the same time having to buy MORE STUFF otherwise the economy will crash.
Our whole shit is based on borrowing money we don’t have to buy shit we don’t need so as to keep our fellow humans toiling away in factories making plastic crap, just so they can feed children they don’t have time to raise properly.
Because – despite being the richest country on Earth – we can’t think of another way to get slightly more food to hungry children besides having Ma and Pa bust ass. Think about it: if Ma and Pa DON’T have jobs, they’re ‘unworthy of society’ so fuck them AND their kids. But get Ma a job working at the printing plant, making tons of junk mail that no one reads? And give Pa a job driving the ‘street cleaning’ truck that doesn’t do any cleaning, because its main function is to allow the cops to ticket the fuck out of all the cars that didn’t move by midnight? Well then, these are ‘upstanding citizens’ and we should give them our support! Despite the fact that their jobs just make everyone else’s life worse.
In other words, we confuse JOBS ARE GOOD (as in, “I need the salary to live”) with JOBS ARE GOOD (as in, “this job helps anyone, ever.”). . And yet, we BEG for useless jobs because we need money. And why do we need so much money? Because shit is expensive. And why is shit so expensive? Wait for it – because EVERY COMPANY EMPLOYS WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE, AND THE COSTS ARE PASSED ON TO YOU, THE CONSUMER. It’s not just that the asshole at Target gets paid to design horrible Hanna Barbera onsies for babies,, it’s that that asshole needs a janitor, a lunch cook, a tax accountant, and a HR supervisor, and several copyright/contract lawyers, and each of those people wind up employing many other people, which is weird as fuck when you think all that economic activity depends on YOU, PAYING EXTRA FOR A HIDEOUS SCOOBY-DOO BABY-WRAPPER. DO IT FOR AMERICA! DO IT FOR TARGET! BUY A HIDEOUS SCOOBY-DOO BABY-WRAPPER, YOU COMMIE RATFINK!
With that in mind, here are some of the many jobs we have in our society.
200 jobs at a factory that only makes nutritionless, glow-in-the-dark frosting, the purpose of which is to make otherwise inedible, unhealthy food JUST sweet enough that working people will buy it. And MORE jobs: hire a very expensive team of ‘consumer consultants’ to calculate JUST how little frosting they can get away with spooging on the snacks before they stop selling. The salaries of the consultants are more than the company saves by reducing frosting. But that’s ok because then the consultants go on to create MORE jobs for plastic surgeons, drug dealers, etc.
Meanwhile, 100 delivery drivers are employed shipping the frosted cupcakes to the breakrooms of the 3.000 electricians who make sure the server farm stays online forever, just in case google needs to know what you tweeted about bieber 4 years ago. So much private-sector efficiency right there. IN YOUR FACE, BIG GOVERNMENT.
Wait, I’m still getting warmed up. Here’s a great buncha people:
40 people at the power plant, make electrical power for
20 janitors with electric vaccums, cleaning up after
10 cafeteria workers, serving
5 hungry accountants, processing claims from
4 HR managers, hiring
2 nubile Personal Assistants, helping
1 douchebag ‘consultant’ to think up ‘taglines’ for miserable Hollywood movies
Which no one wants to watch.
But hey, jobs!!!!
Plus, even MORE jobs for the ladies who operate the forklifts taking the unsold DVDs to the boat where they will be turned into a landfill in Africa? Yes!
How about the ‘security’ industry? Lotta useful jobs there:
6 security guards for the daycare center
for the kids of workers at the CCTV-watching firm,
who are monitoring the ‘data analysts’ at Google,
who are data-mining the porno-viewing habits
of the cops down at Precinct 24.
Not secure enough? Here’s more:
So many jobs at a Factory which makes punch-clocks, which are sold to other factories, to keep their employees from stealing time, which those other factories make cameras, which monitor the obedience of workers at still other factories, who make RFIDs, which are used to prevent theft of books, about how capitalism is super efficient.
100 leaf-blowing Mexicans hired by 1,000 sales representitives, working at 10 novelty souviner t-shirt companies, producing gifts that the recipients hate. Otherwise, who would write wacky slogans on sweatshirts for free? Someone without a job? Poets? Maybe there’s an ancient greek Muse specifically devoted to inspiring new borderline-racist shirt slogans designed to increase awareness of the wearer’s ‘attitude.’
Jobs making stress pills , to help other people stay at their jobs longer without being too miserable about it. Jobs generated by jobs is a whole theme here!
A plastic surgeon for the banker for the Federal Regulation Inspector of the beauty-school, for $500 haircuts, for popstars, for tweens who would be better off listening to a dryer go ‘round. That’s gotta be like 2,000 jobs right there, and what would happen if those went away? Tweens would start listening to Venom again, that’s what.
200 jobs at a factory making Sexual Harassment Panda suits, special-ordered by a Corporate Seminar Planning Company (30 more jobs), which is hired by HR Department to help stamp out potentially litigious office romances at the distribution center (75 jobs) for little plastic baggies (baggie factory: 200 jobs) for speed (mafia: 100 jobs) for hookers (60 jobs) for ‘rough necks’ at a fracking camp-town (2,000 jobs), so we can all get gas to go to our various, super necessary, jobs. Well we could of gotten the gas ANYWAY, but it’s better karma to buy the gas from rough-necks that are not super sex-frustrated, and THAT means Sexual Harrassment Panda needs a damn suit, somehow.
Another great use for gas: powering ocean boats to haul toilet paper from UK to Suriname so that Suriname sweatshop workers can put perfume on toilet paper FOR PENNIES LESS THAN IN THE UK, and then ship it back. The perfume is un-wanted by customers, resource-depleting, the boss is a dick, and they charge the customer more for it. But, hey, at least everyone gets to bust their ass for 8 hours a day until they’re old. Win-win!
Here’s some CYBER jobs for you ‘90s hackers: take 100 of the most smart computer people, and give them a job hiring 1,000 average schmucks, to ‘Focus-group’ a ‘more lifelike,’ ‘emotion detecting’ robo-call program, which can automatically choose which fake tone-of-voice wastes your time, depending on how mad you sound at being interrupted at dinner. OK, that means the telemarketers get fired, but then re-hired by the focus group! Progress.
Go work at the plastic factory making mile-wide tarpulins to cover the small oceans of liquefied pig poop at factory farms. OK? One job. But your boss cuts your hours and benefits, and now you have to finish work, and moonlight across the street at the OTHER plastic factory making polyfiber regatta sails for the CEO of the holding company that owns the bank that owns the factory farm. Boom! That’s TWO jobs! You’re welcome!
Insurance companies employ , oh, say, 60,000 fully-loaded secretaries to process and deny and rebut the medical claims coming from another 60,000 fully-loaded secretaries working at hospitals, who then rebut the rebuttals, de-loop the loop-holes, and re-submit the claims. To that, add ANOTHER 10,000 people to run the accountant schools that the secretaries had to go to, 100 MORE people to check if the schools are properly up to the accreditation standards for such a productive enterprise, and finally 10 ungodly-expensive Taylorist ‘efficiency experts’ to just see maybe if the secretaries can’t circulate their utterly useless paper at twice the speed.
Hire 100 people
to train people
to train safeway clerks
to train customers how to use the self-checkout aisle that will eventually take away their jobs.
But who’s going to train the first people what uniform to wear, or what logo should be on the uniform and matching clipboards, and who’s going to tell them to have facial hair or not?
Better hire some more people!
3000 people making toxic paint for
2000 people to make billboards with, and
500 people to glue the billboards to the sides of buildings
To convince us that one particular toothpaste is better for the environment.
To simply glue signs saying “this space for rent”
Here’s a good one: An ankle monitor factory, needs an ‘ergonomics expert’ to design the most form-fitting bracelet, and the consultant needs a proprietary 3d modeling software, for which the software designer needs a patent attourney. The patent attourney needs an in-company computer network to share the legal files with the other experts, so they have to hire an IT manager, who needs a Systems Engineer, who has to hire 10 temps to convert all previous company files into a single format compatible with the network. The resulting fees threaten to put the whole company into bankruptcy, so the CEO simply bills the prisoners for the cost of wearing the ankle bracelets. Unfortunately, the Systems Engineer was so busy training those goofy temps that she didn’t have time to hire a Security Engineer, and now the fucking Chinese are bootlegging the ankle monitor, which means MORE JOBS FOR THEM, and an ankle bracelet for the fucking systems engineer, who –unbeknownst to the Chinese – was trying to sell the blueprints to the Ukranian mob.
Last one, people, bear with me:
Get 1,000 of the smartest graduates, who would otherwise be stuck finding cures for diseases or building solar-power jetpacks, and set them to work making ‘analytical risk models’ for hedge funds, which the models don’t work, at all, which is fine, because the ‘models’ are just there to give a plausible, legal explanation of how the CEO constantly outperforms the market without insider trading. So that’s a great use of talent AND 1,000 jobs.
currently, we have ‘payroll futures’, where Wall-Street types can make million-dollar bets that wages will go up or down next year. ( Of course, if your wages go down, YOU don’t see a penny of that million, it all goes to the traders).
shortly, we’ll have ‘jobless futures’, which will be pretty much the same deal: making million-dollar bets on whether unemployment will go up or down.
After they run out of buyers for ‘jobless futures’, the big-brains on Wall Street will then invent the most high-selling, profitable type of derivative ever: ‘homeless futures’. These will have their own stock exchange, like NASDAQ.
The ‘homeless futures’ are such a hit, bets on many different cities’ future homeless populations are bundled and securitized to make SBS (suffering-backed securities). Hedge funds offer even more high-end financial instruments for those wishing to hedge their bets: many different bets ON DIFFERENT TIME FRAMES, bundled together. thus, if your bet that homelessness will increase next week doesn’t pay off, another bet that homelessness will increase in the next 4 months will pay off, offsetting your loss. rather than make all the bets yourself, you can buy 100s of different bets of different time frames all bundled together as a CSO (collatteralized suffering obligation)
oligarchs make crazy huge bets, and then try to ‘move the market’ to meet their predictions.
For instance, instituional investors such as insurance and retirement funds, ON PURPOSE lose all their clients’ money, so as to hopefully put’em on the street. (but first, the person running the insurance/retirement fund used the fund money as collateral to place a HUGE bet that homelessness will rise).
wall st bonuses are now pegged to food clinic line wait times.
one hedgie will take over large, profitable company just to lay people off because as homeless they are worth more to him.
another trader, betting AGAINST the first, hires 1,000 homeless as ‘financial consultants’ to get them off the streets. Naturally the ‘report’ that the ‘consultants’ write concludes that ‘homelessness will decrease in the next quarter, man.’
a new industry emerges, to assure investors that their bets on homeless numbers are backed up by unbiased data. Homeless ‘ratings agencies’! For any given SBS or CSO, the agencies will issue ‘ratings’ of Triple-H, Double-H, and Sub-H, depending on how accurate the homeless count is. Of course, the ratings agencies depend on the SBS-issuing wall st. banks for their money, so the ratings are a joke.
limos prowl the alleys looking for neighborhoods with homeless ratios above or below the predicted figures: classic arbitrage.
As homeless-backed securities become THE most lucrative part of wall street, prime time analyst Jim Kramer says the homeless are now “By some reckonings, worth more than their weight in gold.”
In his State of the Union speech, the President pledges to ‘create more homeless’ to drive up GNP. He furthermore announces that GNP will be replaced with GSP (gross suffering product), a sort of ‘anti-quality-of-life-index’, which shows each country’s ‘progress’ in generating ever-higher revenue from homeless futures.
One day, suddenly, word leaks out that buffet sold all his shares in everything! he must be making the biggest bet ever. Rumors circulate that some crazy shiekh is betting the other way, neither one wants to blink first.
suddenly the secret is revealed: THE ULTIMATE BET. f Specifically, a bet about, if one specfic bum , dwelling in a dumpster between two bushes, is going to urinate on this or that bush on a given night, one week hence. Only a limited number of bonds are sold, and the competition keeps the prices of the bonds going up up up. As the prices go up, more and more investors sell all their stocks, securities, etc, to buy a share of the ‘pee in the bush’ bond.
In an attempt to predict which bush he’ll pee into, “emotion detecting” sensor drones remotely fly around and monitor his blood pressure, facial expressions, stress levels, alcohol intake, etc. They are shot down by rival drones, operated by OTHER traders who have paid BIG MONEY for inside information of where he usually pees, and don’t want anyone else to learn it.
as the shares go up in value, more people try to buy them before the deadline, until eventually 99% of all Wall Street money is invested in this one bet.
as the deadline approaches, the bum hasn’t pissed at all. Is he sick? Jaundiced? Dehydrated? investors begin to worry the bum might not pee at all. markets jittery. A scandal erupts when the Fed chairman is caught in bushes trying to pee and blame it on the bum, so as to save the bet.
Eventually, right at the last second, the bum flips all the warring drones the finger(s), instead of peeing, he just shits his pants, and then drops dead.
All the wagered money evaporates; world financial system brought to knees.
plot twist: bum used to be ?????
please leave suggestions in comments.
6,594 human rights feared dead in clash with civil liberties.
We look at an Award-losing documentary about Blogonian child journalist who survived a 47-year botched execution.
300 tons of toxic waste goes on strike against Ukranian whistle-blowers.
The FIRST transgender Burmese werewolf to go on trial for war crimes.
Tonight we’ll talk with an Arabian human rights violation that’s been missing for 29 days inside the Keystone pipeline. Is Guantanamo to blame???
a Nigerian massacre was killed today in a roadside bombing at Walmart.
4,000 United Nations gay marriages died in a toxic hurricane crackdown.
Interview with a Ferguson astronomer about the epidemic of genetically modified factory farms raped on campus, and its links to a top secret CIA hot-pocket depository.
Grand jury refused to indict Pope Francis in the rectal feeding of Monsanto executives.
Death squad on hunger strike after activists sue NY State for bias against the radially symmetrical.
3944 homeless veterans crushed under horrific landslide of handicapped Palestinians.
ISIS fighters execute a humanitarian crisis in Sudan, the fifteenth such crisis to be executed this year.
Today we spend the hour with a werewolf hot-pocket.1 comment
The problem isn’t that the senate over-represents states with small populations. The problem is that small states exist, period.
Why can’t we get rid of the fucking electoral college? small states!
(small states are ALSO over-represented in the EC and like it that way. Thanks for ‘lost the popular vote’ President Dubya, small states!)
Who does most of the filibusters? small states!
(Why? no one knows. it’s not a rule. maybe living in small states is inherently corrupting to the mind?)
Who gets a disproportionate amount of free government money? small states!
(since they can use their outsized Senate votes, and filibuster power, to demand outrageous handouts in exchange for voting with the majority of Americans)
Why can’t the majority of Americans who WANT gun control get that bill passed? Small states!
(they tend to be more rural, older, and conservative)
Who gets EVEN MORE undeserved political clout, just by scheduling their primaries early? New Hampshire and Iowa ( Iowa is barely edging into the small state category, but still). (Politicians have to kiss their ass, eat their shitty regional cuisine, and make promises that they wouldn’t make to larger states)
Why does a Wyoming voter’s vote count more than SIXTY SIX California voters, when it comes to the Senate? Because of small states.
small states: bad for america, bad for democracy.
These ugly little historical relics (New England, looking at you) deeply resent the fact that they’re small BECAUSE ANYONE WITH BRAINS LEAVES THEM AND GOES TO A BIG STATE. They have a complex, and now they’re out for revenge.
Let’s face it: If your state couldn’t survive without epic amounts of blackmail-money, government handouts, boondogles, earmarks, riders, etc. . . .then your state shouldn’t exist. And for good reason.
The Senate defends its un-democratic nature by saying, “The big states are where the money is, the big states have all the media, technology companies, so we need an equalizer (the senate) to keep them from oppressing us.”
The usual response of senate-reform people is, “No, we’d never do that to you cute little guys. We are SUPER nice. Let us have some democracy, pleeeease?”
Fuck that. After we abolish the Senate, the FIRST THING the big states should do with our overwhelming majority in the House of Representatives is, OPPRESS THE FUCK OUT OF THE SMALL STATES. Not just for fun. For the good of the country. What I mean is, STRATEGICALLY humiliate them until they get so desperate that they MERGE WITH OTHER SMALL STATES and form REGULAR SIZED, DECENT, ALL-AMERICAN states. Only then will they have enough votes to make the pain stop. And America will have around 30 states with equal populations.
Small states: just mash them up like leftover Pla-Doh.
Merge RI, Conn, MSS, NH, and part of VT into one state that looks like a hand flipping the finger.
Just to prove I don’t hold a grudge, Nevada can have Los Angeles. Or New Mexico. Fuck it, give Rhode Island a 4,000-mile easement. Just take LA away.
Who are you calling crazy? Look, what’s gerrymandering but re-drawing borders for partisan political gain? And yet, we do that EVERY TEN YEARS SINCE FOREVER. At least re-drawing state borders isn’t partisan like gerrymandering: both red and blue states are too small (and Southern Jerk States actually have way more people than I expected, but that’s a different problem).
Now that I’ve walked you through the very deep waters of political theory and democratic philosophy, let’s lighten the mood with a list of fun ways to put pressure on them:
BAN THEIR REGIONAL CUISINE
DRAFT THEIR SPORTS TEAMS INTO THE NAVY
MAKE THEM WEAR HATS THAT SAY ‘I’M TEH SUXX0R’
THE DREADED ‘SLAYER SANCTION': SLAYER REFUSES TO TOUR IN THAT STATE
CHANGE THEIR FLAG TO FUCKED-UP BLACK-N-BLUE GADSEN SAYING ‘TREAD ON ME HARD DADDY’
EVERY HALF HOUR, REGIONAL NEWS HAS TO BROADCAST CHRIS TUCKER FROM FRIDAY YELLING “YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT.”
SLOW THEIR INTERNET
LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS HAVE MOST INSULTING SLOGAN, CHOSEN BY BIG-STATE VOTERS FROM POPULAR SUBMISSIONS, SUCH AS:
“first in farts”
“merge me or die”.
“the saliva state”
“the tiny state that just cries like a bitch”
“land of many skanks”
“gateway to rectum”, etc.
NO FED MONEY FOR EDUCATION UNLESS STUDENTS READ MANDATORY TEXTBOOKS CALLED ‘SMALL STATES: THE ACNE-COVERED VIGINS OF DEMOCRACY’ AND ‘MERGING: MORE FUN THAN CELEBRITY RAP SEX’
TAX THE FUCK OUT THEIR EXPORTS
THEIR SENATORS AUTOMATICALLY FIRED IF THEY SPEAK WITHOUT DOING ‘THE HUMPTY’
HUMPTY ALSO REFUSES TO TOUR
I guarantee you that ANY of these proposals would be signed into law in the House, if the Senate were eliminated. California alone has 53 House Representatives, Wyoming has – wait for it – one. BRACE YOURSELF, CYNTHIA LUMMIS.1 comment
Summer on the playa
Setting up the trailer
Get wasted and plowed
Wow man, that art project is huge!
what is it? It looks so. . . creative and deadly.
someone dug a bottomless trench round the whole camp.
First people to cross
is a group of eurotrash
they fall 20 seconds
until they reach the living moat
all scorpions all the time
Holy shit, we’re all going to die
but, it’s so unique and creative!
We can’t get out, help can’t get in
Let the party begin.
TRASH THE BURNER X4
Food runs out on the 3d day.
Communal ideals are the first to die
Followed by the nudists.
They’re easier to stab
The trustafarians can’t buy their way out of this
Dot-com millionaires sucking dick for a twinkie
Lord of the Flies with glow-sticks
Now where’s your self-reliance?
“You should try my recipie for human skull”
“We roasted him on this steam-punk engine”
“Wow that’s so creative! You should send that to Etsy!”
“Yeah man, but first I need your liver.”
TRASH THE BURNER X4
Water runs out on the 5th day
Hippies boil urine in vats
Most of the survivors just drink blood
Hunt down the remaining ravers with bats.
It’s like the Great Outdoor Fight
No Roast Beef in sight
Wired magazine writer, meet piano wire
Wear his skin as a blanket, set his laptop on fire
Roving gangs of lesbians
half starved and full of hepatitis
waving dildos turned into spiked bats
chase a pack of tourists into the ditch
what a Waste of meat,
TRASH THE BURNER X4
a boon to mankind
total burner extinction
So many precious snowflakes
Melted in the fuckin’ sun
1 The Only Way I Would Ever Laugh At Saturday Night LIve Is If A Cast Member Died Slowly Of Ebola In A Single Hour-Long Shot.
2 .. . . Or The Plague.
3 Where’s My Fucking Phone
4 Wedge Heels Are Just Plain Ugly (The Worst Kind Of Heel)
5 Oakleys; The Douche For Eyes
6 Snowboarder Vs. Several Yeti
7 Theme From Shat
8 drop ‘b’ tuning : why don’t you just fart into a microphone and then set $3,000 on fire?
9 Stuusy vs. Several More Yeti
10 Cormac Mccarthy and Oliver Stone Fight To Death With Flaming Dildos; Humanity Wins
11 Leaf Blower Up Your Butt
12 These Comix Reprints Have 90% The Same Content (Is Why I’m Pissed)
13 I Ate My Damn Salad And I’m Still Fat
14 French People (Stop Rapping)
15 Forced Ugg Inhalation Is The Penalty
16 Can We Please Have One Hug That Doesn’t End In A Fart?
17 Cat’s Behind The Computer Again (But I’m The One Who’s Gonna Get Yelled At)
18 Use The Pin Number (To Access Your Secret Code (Which Opens Your Security Question (Which Allows You To Download Your Customer Number))))
19 Fuck No I Don’t Want Your Special Offer
20 Seriously, Whole Foods?
21 Reconsider Having Long-Shorts With A Tribal Tattoo Running Down Your Shin
22 Who Is Plantar Fascitis’ Bitch? (Me, That’s Who)
23 Out Of Pens
24 Cursive Ain’t Shit
25 Metermaid Buried Under An Avalanche Of Tonsoliths
26 ‘Santa-Fe Style’ Is Straight Garbage (Let’s Just Make That Very Clear)
27 Novels Set In The 1800s Should Be Ground Up And Sold As Sleeping Pills
28 Actually, Pretty Much All Fiction Written Before 1960 Is Butt (Just Give Me Catch-22 And Dante’s Inferno And I’m Straight.)
29 Steam-Punk Gets Beat By Steam-Rednecks (Then Thrown In Jail By Steam-Police)
30 How Long Has That Rice Been Sitting There
31 No, You’re Not The Mohammas Ghandi Of Off-Leash Dog Owners
32 And You’re Not The MLK Of Bike Lane Martyrs Either, Asshole
33 Holy Shit, Is THAT What Colgate Tastes Like?
34 Drums Suck At Being Played By Me
35 If You’re So Much Smarter Than ‘Celebutards’, How About You Just Ignore Them
36 Who The Hell Amazoned Me A Book With The Pictures Cut Out (That Person Vs. All Remaining Yetis)
37 How Is The AT&T Bill Always Twice What We Contracted For?
38 Left Hand Column of Huffington Post (Fuck It)
40 Sticky Mouse (the Blame Is Mine)
42 . . . Or Even Polonium, (Frankly, Any FSB Assassination-worthy Fissile Material Would Do)
43 What The Fuck, Blue Part Of the Toner Nozzle?!?
44 Re: Forest Jocks Giving Me the Smart-eye On The Nature Trail
45 The Best Zits (Are Hardest To Reach)
46 Dsus4: Officially The Worst Chord
47 Someone Just Downloaded 200 ‘Exotica’ Albums (But Not A Smart Person)
leave your own song titles in comments. let’s fucking do the ultimate grumpy old man album.3 comments
Drundle’s Most Dangerous Mission
the last ‘pattern of life strike’ of the day, now it’s miller time!
wipe the cheetos off my arm and go to punch out
Rochelle says that the boss wants to see me.
Oh shit! was it that wedding party I turned into ‘bug-splat’?
Or that soccer game i vaporized in a signature strike?
That can’t be it. . . a click of a button turned the casualties into ‘enemy combatants.’
Fuck! does he know about that $50Million Predator that I almost crashed when I was texting Charleen?
I could lose my overtime pay! My Secret Santa! He might tell the government! If i lose my clearance, how am I gonna get that post-retirement gig at McDonell Douglas! I might have to join the Air Force like a sucker!
Truly, the life of a warrior is fraught with danger!
Agent Drundel reporting, sir!
Sit down, Drundel. I have to ask you something.
Look in my eyes, Drundel.
Do you know the individual who ate my damn calzone?
The one with my fucking name on it in sharpie? In the break room fridge? For the fourth fucking time in a row?
It wasn’t me, sir. I’m allergic to cheese.
Sir, it says so in my records.
Very well, Drundel. If you find any information, report to me at once.
Another battle won, danger faced with stone face and animal cunning.
I Really dodged a bullet there!
First, that massacre was fucked. Fuck whoever was behind that shit. Let me say that right now, before I dive into the controversial, non-obvious bits. Fuck a cartoon-shooter.
Back when the Great Danish Cartoon Scandal of Ought-Five happened, I was like, “Oh those crazy Muslims, irrationally over-reacting again.” Now I’ve discovered what I like to call the Faggot Principle, my thinking has changed.
Here’s the Faggot Principle in a nutshell: if someone in a passing pickup leaned out the window and yelled HEY FAGGOT at you, you’ll get mad, even if you don’t have a homophobic bone in your body. Because even if gayness isn’t a bad idea, in this particular case you know “faggot!” is MEANT as an insult. And you’d be even more mad if a second pickup truck sped by with someone yelling “YOU’RE SO HOMOPHOBIC TO GET MAD HE CALLED YOU A HUGE FAG! STOP BEING HOMOPHOBIC, YOU FAG!”
So if you apply the Faggot Principle, the response of the Muslim community might still be over-reacting, but it’s not irrational or superstitious. Sure, some of the mad people really ARE psychotics who want a violent revenge on a cartoonist, but a huge amount of offended Muslims are probably just mad because they feel they’ve been fag-yelled and then called homophobic to boot. It’s this vast majority of fence-sitters (that is to say, everyday schmucks that have yet to choose a side in the coming clash of civilizations) that is going to make all the difference how that clash turns out in the end. So it’s unwise for us to write them all off as ‘irrational superstisious and hateful’ just yet.
When someone like Rushdie, Charlie Hebdo, or Theo Van Gogh, gets fatwa-ed, it’s a huge international scandal, and those guys are rightly regarded as heroes who were willing to die for freedom, western values, democracy, etc. But here’s the rub: the vast majority of the time someone gets killed for standing up for individual freedom, the heroic victim is a non-famous Muslim schlub who doesn’t give a fuck for Western values or secular pluralism, etc. . . he or she just wants to have a beer and listen to some tunes, and was willing to die for that freedom. Which is – and if you stop reading now I’ll have made my point – JUST as heroic as a ‘creative’ Westerner dying for lofty ideals.
99% of these “die-for-insulting-my-interpretation-of-Islam” incidents occur in some small bumfuck town that gets taken over by some extremist militia – Boco Haram, Al Shabab, Taliban, ISIS, whatever . . . and then suddenly the towns-people are told: “You guys better cut out listening to music, no more flying kites, cover up the women-folk, no more movies, no booze, no football on TV, etc.”
In that situation, just having the wrong-length-beard can get your wig split.
How many small-town schlubs have died just as courageously as Van Gogh or the Hebdo people, just for saying, “Fuck you guys, i’ma going to fly this kite. ” or, “Fuck you guys, I’m going to listen to some phat jams up in here.” And yet, with the sole exception of Nobel Prize winner Malala , we never know their names or respect their sacrifices (and Malala clearly has been coached in how to articulate her message in terms of Western values like equality, pluralism, democracy, etc, so that’s why she’s the exception, bless her.)
I think the main reason that muslim-on-muslim fawta-violence doesn’t get the same amount of press is because it fucks up the narrative of Pro Western Freedom Lovers Vs. Muslim Menace. The martyrs in the small towns aren’t pro-western, and nor are they a menace.
But that negative (‘It fucks up our narrative’) is actually a positive: if we drop the unspoken rule that “You have to admit your culture is inferior to ours, in order for us to give a shit if you die”, if we embrace these courageous martyrs in Bumfuck Pakistan the same way we do Charlie Hedbo, then it would send a history-changing message of “You don’t HAVE to be pro-kardashian, pro-usury, and pro-mcdonalds to join our anti-terror group!”
We could , like, instantly triple the amount of people on our side, for example ,if the west said: “let’s never fuckin’ mind about ‘the clash of civilizations’ and just get together over a shared love of un-forbidden kites, rockin’ tunes, free-flowing booze, and movies. Let’s fuck up anyone who takes that stuff away, and then maybe AFTERWARDS, if we’re still not sleepy, we can argue about niquabs vs jeggings vs butthole-wiping techniques.”
After all, these small-town but anti-western-values fence-sitting schlubs have more reason than anybody to be mad as fuck at extremism. Maybe they’re even mad enough to become pro-western . . . .but only if the western media puts THEIR martyrs’ faces up there right next to Rushdie or the Charlie Hebdo martyrs.
All, “OK we westerners DO like the gays, and we DO like the bikinis, and gays IN bikinis, . . .but we are ALSO down with rampant kite-flying, music playing all the time, movies, women drivers, beers, foot-ball-tv-watching, and end to sectarian violence, and all the other stuff that you WISH you could do. We’ll support you if you support us.”-style.
it’s precisely world-famous terror attacks like this Charlie thing that create an opportunity for all sane people to pull together, but the ensuing anti-muslim hysteria that inevitably follows just wastes that opportunity.
1 – in the west it’s ok to make fun of a particular god or preacher, but not an entire ethnic group/ religion, because groups are made of individuals who might not subscribe to fucked extremist beliefs. That’s why Jews can successfully (and non-violently) censor anti-semetic cartoons, but Muslims don’t get to non-violently censor anti-prophet cartoons; Jews understand the western system and are able to frame their objections in terms of ‘That’s offensive because not all jews are like that’ rather than ‘That’s an offense to G-d and should not be allowed.’ Jews running the mass-media helps, but it’s hardly essential, since they know the rules.
But here’s the thing: those rules are just like any social rule: arbitrary, and they don’t apply everywhere. Sure, our rule is right, and the middle-east rule of “never criticize the prophet, that’s way worse than racism” is wrong. . . but it’s also dopey to expect someone who’s never been out of his or her little dust-town-cum-opium-farm to instantly understand the West’s distinction between mocking a religion and mocking an ethnic group who happens to believe that religion. It’s a pretty fine distinction , you have to admit.
2 – max blumenthal – one of my major heroes – is being just a huge twitter-dick about this whole thing. like to the point where i don’t really want to read him anymore. when michael brown happened he was quick to point out that the media was ‘demonizing he victim’, but that’s exactly what he’s doing to Charlie Hebdo, 24/7, ever since this thing went down. Plus it’s kind of disappointing how he strongly hints that Charlie Hebdo deserved what they got, without actually coming out and saying it. You can imagine him hotly denying, “Hey! I never *SAID* that! In so many words!” Honestly him and his cronies’ tendency to all dogpile onto allies that agree with them about 90% of politics, but disagree over some trivial shit, is so high-school-girl.
3 – it’s cool to make fun of religion but it’s just not EFFECTIVE to offend 99% of peaceful people in a given community. . . ., just to get the goat of the remaining violent 1%, that are your real target. Fuckin’ counterproductive! Show me one ‘satirist’ who offends 90% of white people ACCIDENTALLY? Not that it’s racist, but that it’s not an effective joke with that much collateral damage. Whether you’re Danish, French, or a Branch Floridian . . . can’t you think of a cartoon that would only offend the Islamic militants? Or is that fruit not low-hanging enough? Would that require spending too much time learning about the distinctions between different sects of Islam? You might SAY you don’t hate muslims, only extremists, but if the way you make jokes shows you don’t care about the very muslims that might otherwise support you, and if you’re so willing to accept 99% of them as ‘collateral damage’ of your joke, then why on earth should they believe that you ‘only hate extremists’.?
It’s like when Ice Cube explained why every other word in his raps was BITCH, he said, “What makes you think I was talking about YOU, bitch? If you get that mad, that just proves you ARE one. If the shoe fits, wear it, bitch!”
As much as I love early-90s Cube, I really doubt his explanation changed the mind of a lot of bitches.3 comments
Stop me if you’ve heard this one:
A religion develops a ‘new’ messiah, a puny spin-off of the main god, who gradually grows in popularity over time . . . the new version of god gets more and more jealous as his followers accumulate more earthly power, and eventually insists that he is the ONLY version of god, and the ‘old’ god is but a false idol. The minions of the new version insist the old-school true-believers mend their ways, or be put to death, or torture. All the while they keep insisting they’re only killing to HELP the old-school true-believers truly understand God better by giving the new messiah – the Usurper – a chance.
The Spanish Inquisition? The infamous Torquemada?
No. Moses! Big Moishe!
The only reason Moses is seen as a savior of the Israelites and Torquemada as their arch-nemesis is, Torquemada didn’t finish the fucking job.
If that comparison sounds crazy, or anti-Semitic to you, that just shows you how good a job Moses did of re-writing the history books. . . . erasing all memory of the old-school true-believer Jews of his day.
I’m talking about the Golden Calf worshipers.
Those were the ‘bad’ Jews in the Biblical desert,, just like the Spanish Jews were ‘bad’, 2,000 some-odd years later. . . .’bad’ because they didn’t realize that the new spin-off God was now the main, and ONLY God.
In the Torah (and the old testament), the Golden Calf Worshipers were Jews that got tired of waiting for Moses to come down from the mountain, and reverted back to worshiping their pagan idol. Actually, the Golden Calf is a metaphor, or a composite, of the dozens and dozens of Middle-East gods that most Jews worshiped ALONG WITH Jehovah. At that time, even a thousand years after the Jewish religion began, poly-theism was STILL as Jewy as eating challah and circumcision. Sure, the Israelites thought Jehovah was the MOST IMPORTANT, but they hedged their bets. In fact, even that (having a Most Important God) was normal for the OTHER middle-east tribes at the time – even the pagans and Philistines, etc, had a main god for the city-state in which they were born.
so Moses is painted as a hero, even though basically he really liked killing Jews. like, the first thing he did after coming down the mountain and telling people THOU SHALT NOT KILL is kill Jews. the golden-calf guys.
Just like the Jews of Middle-aged Europe , the ones persecuted by Torquemada, the golden calf jews were like, “Yo, this new spin-off god of yours, ‘jehovah’ or what-have-you, he’s A’ight, but we’re going to keep it real over here. we’re going to keep it old-school. How are we wrong for worshiping the way our ancestors did? If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”
compare with; “Yo, this new spin-off god of yours, ‘jesus’ or what-have-you, he’s A’ight, but we’re going to keep it real over here. we’re going to keep it old-school. if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”
To which Moses and Torquemada replied, “Well how about if YOU’RE broken? Motherfucker?”
(not to mention the totally psycho episode with the unfortunate fool gathering sticks on the sabbath. Not only did Moses kill him too, but he made everyone else in the tribe help -or else. Not only THAT, they killed him in the most laborious, labor-intensive, sabbath-break-y way to murder a man; stoning. Big Mo could of just had ONE Israelite cut the poor guy’s throat, that would barely qualify as labor. But no – he had to make the whole tribe labor picking up and throwing heavy stones in the hot sun all fucking day, to teach them not to labor on the sabbath. Just like how he killed to teach them that killing is wrong. (I mean Moses is kind of the Oliver Cromwell of his day – he starts out overthrowing the king and leading the people to freedom, then he just keeps killing people like he was addicted to it. Except most folks now admit that Cromwell was a genocidal booger.))
It’s not just the violence that I find scary- there’s this attitude of “I’m trying to help you be a better Jew, and you just won’t listen! Where’s the ‘Thank yous?'”
History is full of people from Totally Different Religions fighting over whose god is better. History is also full of people – mostly Muslims at this point – fighting over which interpretation of the Holy Book is better.
But this whole Moses / Torquemada thing, where the True Believers try to go Monotheistic, but their One God keeps gradually gradually splitting into new sub-gods, Trinities, or Messiahs, and they have to purge their own ranks every millennium, just to make it properly monotheistic again . . . this is some unique shit. It’s a peculiar Judeo-Christian madness.2 comments
First of all, let me acknowledge that+
1) it’s hard to make films for fans because we’ll complain no matter what you do, if you please the 1 percent hardcore you’ll alienate the other 99 percent. I get that.
2) It’s hard to go off-canon, because you have to include a real ‘tolkien-ish feel’ without being ‘derivative’. The classic problem of ‘viewers want the same exact thing as last time. . . .except different’, which problem dates back to the beginning of hollywood, and is not at all limited to hardcore nerds.
Therefore, I was actually OK with dude going off-canon. The way he went off canon in the first 2 was well done: he was fleshing out the backstories and eccentricities of minor characters from the real books. That is a good compromise.
But this shit.
The dragon dying in the first 15 minutes?
Worst of both worlds: giving part 2 a totally unsatisfying ending, and part 3 an equally anticlimactic beginning. Cliffhangers are ok if you’re making buck rogers serials in the 30s, but that’s because in the 30s YOU ONLY HAD TO WAIT 2 WEEKS, for the next installment, not a fuckin’ year. It feels like they put the dragon-slaying in film 3 just in order to have some canon-ish hook to hang the rest of the movie on. Like ‘we’re starting from the real book here, give us a break!’. Fuck that. Jackson should have had more balls, killed the dragon at the end of part 2, and blatantly said ‘part 3 is gonna be all shit I made up. I done did 5 films of canon, I gave you nerds what you wanted, now this next one is for Peter.’
Word to ice-t.
“I MAKE RECORDS FOR YOU, BUT THIS ONE’S FOR ME!”
Or if they totally OWNED the anticlimax of part 3 – like if Smaug caught a spear to the chest while responding to an ‘urgent’ text in the middle of raping the village, or if the humans poured so much rainbow glitter on him that the computers could no longer render him, so he just glitched up and stopped moving. Or if he just keeled over in the first 5 seconds from Lyme Disease, and then a huge-ass Dragon Tick spits out the Arkenstone, and it lands on the head of a sleeping Son Doobie, and then the next 10 minutes is a Funkdoobiest video about Lyme Disease and the importance of early detection and treatment.
Also: I’m kind of ambivalent about the plot-holes. I don’t like films that take the fantasy-land politics too seriously, and over explain shit that no one cares about.
But at the same time, if they have 20 minutes to waste on redundant scenes of dwarf-king-guy brooding over and over, then they definitely had some time to sew up some of the many loose ends: what happened to the arkenstone? What did the main human revolutionary guy do after they defeated the orcs? Did he ever get his money? Did the elves ever get their bling? Who became the new dwarf king? What happened to the gold? Why did the elves abandon the dwarves the FIRST time the dragon came ‘round? Did the Russel-Brand-lookin’-ass greasy human in the granny costume with titties full of stolen gelt ever get his comeuppance? Did Bilbo ever plant his wacky tree? Did the elf lady ever French the suave dwarf? What about the other 2 main wizards besides Radagast, Gandalf and Osama bin Saruman? I was hoping they’d get their own backstory. And is T-Funk still doing the Tomahawk Chop now that the Redskins are officially racist as fuck? Again, any one of these issues is super nerdy and I forgive Jackson for not making a super-fanboy movie, BUT since Jackson is so clearly desperate to pad out the movie to 2 hours, he should have gotten into SOME of that shit, rather than: “I’m still brooding” “is he still brooding?” “Yes he is still brooding.” “how about now” “Nope, still brooding.” “that is SO WEIRD he’s still brooding.” “Whelp, what can you do. Should we check again? “I don’t see why not, there’s still 89 minutes to go….”
And what SHOULD be done with the arkenstone? It’s clearly presented as a sort of off-brand Ring O” Power. And I’m ok with re-doing the classic Tolkien bits in an effort to make the off-canon stuff feel ‘real.’ But you got to take it in some new direction. As it is, they just forgot about it halfway through the movie. At one point we’re told it’s ‘the birthright’ of ALL dwarves. At other points, it seems to be ‘dragon-cursed’ and just plain evil. Should it be destroyed like the One Ring, or, what? Broken into pieces and one piece given to every dwarf? Or set up like the English Crown Jewels or the weird-ass asteroid at Mecca so all the dwarves can see it once a year, single-file? Or what?
Maybe it’s dorky to get all RAND-institute-white-paper-ish re: the serious dwarven-government-policy issue presented by the arkenstone, but that’s the stuff that excites me. Compromise: I’d be happy to stop my nerdy overthinking of the issue, if Jackson had cut out all 40 minutes of excessive King-brooding-re:arkenstone scenes. But since it’s so important to the first half of the film, you don’t have to be a Dwarvish-policy wonk to wonder what happens to it in the second half.
Plus, not for nothing, but humans, orcs, elves, and dwarves is only four armies. I guess it’s five if you include the half-dozen eagles as a whole army, but then you’d have to also include the corny-ass bats too, and then you’re up to six. So what the fuck. I feel like I just watched Resivoir Dogs and I’m the only one who didn’t realize who shot Mr. Pink. (edit; just checked a Tolkien Wiki and it said the fifth army was Goblins, but they are on screen for even less time than the bats, so what the fuck) (I mean if you include goblins, you’d have to include the fake Dune worms, AND the giant-ass tactical trolls, and then you’re up to seven armies. Which would be cool if the fake Dune worms had their own backstory and the whole movie was intercut with scenes of Worm General Command, in some underground Situation Room, arguing about which Funkdoobiest song was the best, and whether the early ‘90s really was the Golden Age of Hiphop, (the minority faction – First Lieutenant Vermiface and Colonel Rockbarfer – contend that the whole ‘golden-age nostalgia’ is at best pedantic and at worst borderline haterish, but Rockbarfer has a less-than-rad ass engraving of Puffy, so she’s fairly suspect), and then almost coming to blows re: Lynch vs. Jodorowsky’s adaptation of Dune, before all going to Sauron’s house to demand more of the Mordor Defense Budget, accusing him of being Soft on Defense and part of the Blame Mordor First liberal elites).
And who’s the main elf lady (Google search for “main Elf broad that Gandalf has a Plus Five boner for” yeilds the result: galadriel, so I’m going to go with that). Did anyone else think it was, like, strategically weird that Galadriel used 99% of her magic strength just to take out a single, solitary, non-deluxe orc that was guarding Gandalf??? She was like “OMG taking out that solitary non-deluxe orc was hella hard, bro. I’m wiped out, I think I’ll just pass out from sheer exhaustion while you guys do your thing. Oh, by the way, just as an afterthought, how about I SINGLEHANDEDLY WHIP SAURON’S SPECTRAL FLAMING ASS with the last remnants of my magic points?”
Amirite, fellas? The guys know what I’m talking ’bout!
Plus, besides his damsel-in-distress-role-reversal, gandalf does nothing cool. I was stoked to see Radagast make a cameo, but even he just duplicates powers and spells and rabbits he had in previous films, I was hoping that they’d do what they did in the first joint and flesh out his character more, flashbacks, new and exciting feats of wizardry, or at least more drugs.
Plus, another problem: nobody says things that a regular person would say in that situation. Nobody ever tells their opponent some simple piece of information that would make the opponent say, “Wha–? Really? Oh shit, we’re on the same side, here. Why didn’t you say so. Jesus, we almost did some dumb shit there!” Which is by no means a problem unique to this movie. In fact that exact issue – where you are so frustrated you want to yell at the screen “JUST TELL HIM THE OBVIOUS THING! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?”. It’s such a common issue of movies there really should be a word for that exact phenomenon.
Like when Big Mohawk Dwarf guy shows up, nobody says to him, “King-Broody-Pants done got Dragon Sickness! He’s gone nuts!”.
Or when Main Human meets the Dwarves/Elves/Gandalf, he never says, “Guess who killed a motherfuckin’ dragon? THIS GUY. THIS GUY RIGHT HERE.” And then he never points to his own chest and goes “Deeeeyamnnnnn.”
And at no point in the 4 hours devoted to tedious negotiations over the Dwarven Loot does any human, dwarf, elf, halfling accountant, Goblin corporate arbitrator, Ninth-level Ent contract attourney, or transgender half-Urik-Hai Financial Settlement Specialist ever think to ask, “How MUCH of the money do the non-dwarfs want?” (OK I get that the Main Dwarf was fully Gollum-ized by that point (or is it fully Theoden-ized? Or fully Denethor-ized? Or any of the million other Fucked Kings of Tolken (see also: “going off canon but trying to keep it real by recycling older tropes”- difficulties, as I mentioned at the beginning),. . .. anyway, I get there was no reasoning with the Main Dwarf, but still the characters should say the things that YOU in the audience would say if you were them.)
Another scene where obvious dialogue was willfully suppressed: “Hey elf-lord! If you don’t belive old Gandalf that a bajillion orcs are on their way, why not ask Elrond, WHO I WAS JUST WITH WHEN HE KILLED 9 ECTOPLASMIC NAZGUL!” (and the elf guy would be “Oh you mean they take ectoplasmic form until they have absorbed enough Evil Energy to make a physical body?” and then Voldermort would be like “Aww yeah! Isn’t that how everyone does it???” (Also: Voldermort was so FAT in the last couple of movies. I would love to see a director’s cut of the last Potter film where someone photoshopped a big sandwitch into his hand in every scene. All pesto sauce and mayonaisse running down his cheeks. All napkin tucked into the top of his muu-muu. All Brando from Apocalypse Now popping in the frame, going, “You gonna finish that?”))
Also it would of been rad if the eagles flew into the battle, took a look around, and went like, “Naw, fuck this.”
Or if they came swooping in but they only saved Funkdoobiest, and Gandalf was all, WTF man, i thought you guys were cool. And the main eagle was like “AWK! SHITTIN ON ‘EM! SHITTIN ON ‘EM! AWKKKKK!”