The problem isn’t that the senate over-represents states with small populations. The problem is that small states exist, period.
Why can’t we get rid of the fucking electoral college? small states!
(small states are ALSO over-represented in the EC and like it that way. Thanks for ‘lost the popular vote’ President Dubya, small states!)
Who does most of the filibusters? small states!
(Why? no one knows. it’s not a rule. maybe living in small states is inherently corrupting to the mind?)
Who gets a disproportionate amount of free government money? small states!
(since they can use their outsized Senate votes, and filibuster power, to demand outrageous handouts in exchange for voting with the majority of Americans)
Why can’t the majority of Americans who WANT gun control get that bill passed? Small states!
(they tend to be more rural, older, and conservative)
Who gets EVEN MORE undeserved political clout, just by scheduling their primaries early? New Hampshire and Iowa ( Iowa is barely edging into the small state category, but still). (Politicians have to kiss their ass, eat their shitty regional cuisine, and make promises that they wouldn’t make to larger states)
Why does a Wyoming voter’s vote count more than SIXTY SIX California voters, when it comes to the Senate? Because of small states.
small states: bad for america, bad for democracy.
These ugly little historical relics (New England, looking at you) deeply resent the fact that they’re small BECAUSE ANYONE WITH BRAINS LEAVES THEM AND GOES TO A BIG STATE. They have a complex, and now they’re out for revenge.
Let’s face it: If your state couldn’t survive without epic amounts of blackmail-money, government handouts, boondogles, earmarks, riders, etc. . . .then your state shouldn’t exist. And for good reason.
The Senate defends its un-democratic nature by saying, “The big states are where the money is, the big states have all the media, technology companies, so we need an equalizer (the senate) to keep them from oppressing us.”
The usual response of senate-reform people is, “No, we’d never do that to you cute little guys. We are SUPER nice. Let us have some democracy, pleeeease?”
Fuck that. After we abolish the Senate, the FIRST THING the big states should do with our overwhelming majority in the House of Representatives is, OPPRESS THE FUCK OUT OF THE SMALL STATES. Not just for fun. For the good of the country. What I mean is, STRATEGICALLY humiliate them until they get so desperate that they MERGE WITH OTHER SMALL STATES and form REGULAR SIZED, DECENT, ALL-AMERICAN states. Only then will they have enough votes to make the pain stop. And America will have around 30 states with equal populations.
Small states: just mash them up like leftover Pla-Doh.
Merge RI, Conn, MSS, NH, and part of VT into one state that looks like a hand flipping the finger.
Just to prove I don’t hold a grudge, Nevada can have Los Angeles. Or New Mexico. Fuck it, give Rhode Island a 4,000-mile easement. Just take LA away.
Who are you calling crazy? Look, what’s gerrymandering but re-drawing borders for partisan political gain? And yet, we do that EVERY TEN YEARS SINCE FOREVER. At least re-drawing state borders isn’t partisan like gerrymandering: both red and blue states are too small (and Southern Jerk States actually have way more people than I expected, but that’s a different problem).
Now that I’ve walked you through the very deep waters of political theory and democratic philosophy, let’s lighten the mood with a list of fun ways to put pressure on them:
BAN THEIR REGIONAL CUISINE
DRAFT THEIR SPORTS TEAMS INTO THE NAVY
MAKE THEM WEAR HATS THAT SAY ‘I’M TEH SUXX0R’
THE DREADED ‘SLAYER SANCTION': SLAYER REFUSES TO TOUR IN THAT STATE
CHANGE THEIR FLAG TO FUCKED-UP BLACK-N-BLUE GADSEN SAYING ‘TREAD ON ME HARD DADDY’
EVERY HALF HOUR, REGIONAL NEWS HAS TO BROADCAST CHRIS TUCKER FROM FRIDAY YELLING “YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT.”
SLOW THEIR INTERNET
LICENSE PLATE HOLDERS HAVE MOST INSULTING SLOGAN, CHOSEN BY BIG-STATE VOTERS FROM POPULAR SUBMISSIONS, SUCH AS:
“first in farts”
“merge me or die”.
“the saliva state”
“the tiny state that just cries like a bitch”
“land of many skanks”
“gateway to rectum”, etc.
NO FED MONEY FOR EDUCATION UNLESS STUDENTS READ MANDATORY TEXTBOOKS CALLED ‘SMALL STATES: THE ACNE-COVERED VIGINS OF DEMOCRACY’ AND ‘MERGING: MORE FUN THAN CELEBRITY RAP SEX’
TAX THE FUCK OUT THEIR EXPORTS
THEIR SENATORS AUTOMATICALLY FIRED IF THEY SPEAK WITHOUT DOING ‘THE HUMPTY’
HUMPTY ALSO REFUSES TO TOUR
I guarantee you that ANY of these proposals would be signed into law in the House, if the Senate were eliminated. California alone has 53 House Representatives, Wyoming has – wait for it – one. BRACE YOURSELF, CYNTHIA LUMMIS.1 comment
Summer on the playa
Setting up the trailer
Get wasted and plowed
Wow man, that art project is huge!
what is it? It looks so. . . creative and deadly.
someone dug a bottomless trench round the whole camp.
First people to cross
is a group of eurotrash
they fall 20 seconds
until they reach the living moat
all scorpions all the time
Holy shit, we’re all going to die
but, it’s so unique and creative!
We can’t get out, help can’t get in
Let the party begin.
TRASH THE BURNER X4
Food runs out on the 3d day.
Communal ideals are the first to die
Followed by the nudists.
They’re easier to stab
The trustafarians can’t buy their way out of this
Dot-com millionaires sucking dick for a twinkie
Lord of the Flies with glow-sticks
Now where’s your self-reliance?
“You should try my recipie for human skull”
“We roasted him on this steam-punk engine”
“Wow that’s so creative! You should send that to Etsy!”
“Yeah man, but first I need your liver.”
TRASH THE BURNER X4
Water runs out on the 5th day
Hippies boil urine in vats
Most of the survivors just drink blood
Hunt down the remaining ravers with bats.
It’s like the Great Outdoor Fight
No Roast Beef in sight
Wired magazine writer, meet piano wire
Wear his skin as a blanket, set his laptop on fire
Roving gangs of lesbians
half starved and full of hepatitis
waving dildos turned into spiked bats
chase a pack of tourists into the ditch
what a Waste of meat,
TRASH THE BURNER X4
a boon to mankind
total burner extinction
So many precious snowflakes
Melted in the fuckin’ sun
1 The Only Way I Would Ever Laugh At Saturday Night LIve Is If A Cast Member Died Slowly Of Ebola In A Single Hour-Long Shot.
2 .. . . Or The Plague.
3 Where’s My Fucking Phone
4 Wedge Heels Are Just Plain Ugly (The Worst Kind Of Heel)
5 Oakleys; The Douche For Eyes
6 Snowboarder Vs. Several Yeti
7 Theme From Shat
8 drop ‘b’ tuning : why don’t you just fart into a microphone and then set $3,000 on fire?
9 Stuusy vs. Several More Yeti
10 Cormac Mccarthy and Oliver Stone Fight To Death With Flaming Dildos; Humanity Wins
11 Leaf Blower Up Your Butt
12 These Comix Reprints Have 90% The Same Content (Is Why I’m Pissed)
13 I Ate My Damn Salad And I’m Still Fat
14 French People (Stop Rapping)
15 Forced Ugg Inhalation Is The Penalty
16 Can We Please Have One Hug That Doesn’t End In A Fart?
17 Cat’s Behind The Computer Again (But I’m The One Who’s Gonna Get Yelled At)
18 Use The Pin Number (To Access Your Secret Code (Which Opens Your Security Question (Which Allows You To Download Your Customer Number))))
19 Fuck No I Don’t Want Your Special Offer
20 Seriously, Whole Foods?
21 Reconsider Having Long-Shorts With A Tribal Tattoo Running Down Your Shin
22 Who Is Plantar Fascitis’ Bitch? (Me, That’s Who)
23 Out Of Pens
24 Cursive Ain’t Shit
25 Metermaid Buried Under An Avalanche Of Tonsoliths
26 ‘Santa-Fe Style’ Is Straight Garbage (Let’s Just Make That Very Clear)
27 Novels Set In The 1800s Should Be Ground Up And Sold As Sleeping Pills
28 Actually, Pretty Much All Fiction Written Before 1960 Is Butt (Just Give Me Catch-22 And Dante’s Inferno And I’m Straight.)
29 Steam-Punk Gets Beat By Steam-Rednecks (Then Thrown In Jail By Steam-Police)
30 How Long Has That Rice Been Sitting There
31 No, You’re Not The Mohammas Ghandi Of Off-Leash Dog Owners
32 And You’re Not The MLK Of Bike Lane Martyrs Either, Asshole
33 Holy Shit, Is THAT What Colgate Tastes Like?
34 Drums Suck At Being Played By Me
35 If You’re So Much Smarter Than ‘Celebutards’, How About You Just Ignore Them
36 Who The Hell Amazoned Me A Book With The Pictures Cut Out (That Person Vs. All Remaining Yetis)
37 How Is The AT&T Bill Always Twice What We Contracted For?
38 Left Hand Column of Huffington Post (Fuck It)
40 Sticky Mouse (the Blame Is Mine)
42 . . . Or Even Polonium, (Frankly, Any FSB Assassination-worthy Fissile Material Would Do)
43 What The Fuck, Blue Part Of the Toner Nozzle?!?
44 Re: Forest Jocks Giving Me the Smart-eye On The Nature Trail
45 The Best Zits (Are Hardest To Reach)
46 Dsus4: Officially The Worst Chord
47 Someone Just Downloaded 200 ‘Exotica’ Albums (But Not A Smart Person)
leave your own song titles in comments. let’s fucking do the ultimate grumpy old man album.3 comments
Drundle’s Most Dangerous Mission
the last ‘pattern of life strike’ of the day, now it’s miller time!
wipe the cheetos off my arm and go to punch out
Rochelle says that the boss wants to see me.
Oh shit! was it that wedding party I turned into ‘bug-splat’?
Or that soccer game i vaporized in a signature strike?
That can’t be it. . . a click of a button turned the casualties into ‘enemy combatants.’
Fuck! does he know about that $50Million Predator that I almost crashed when I was texting Charleen?
I could lose my overtime pay! My Secret Santa! He might tell the government! If i lose my clearance, how am I gonna get that post-retirement gig at McDonell Douglas! I might have to join the Air Force like a sucker!
Truly, the life of a warrior is fraught with danger!
Agent Drundel reporting, sir!
Sit down, Drundel. I have to ask you something.
Look in my eyes, Drundel.
Do you know the individual who ate my damn calzone?
The one with my fucking name on it in sharpie? In the break room fridge? For the fourth fucking time in a row?
It wasn’t me, sir. I’m allergic to cheese.
Sir, it says so in my records.
Very well, Drundel. If you find any information, report to me at once.
Another battle won, danger faced with stone face and animal cunning.
I Really dodged a bullet there!
First, that massacre was fucked. Fuck whoever was behind that shit. Let me say that right now, before I dive into the controversial, non-obvious bits. Fuck a cartoon-shooter.
Back when the Great Danish Cartoon Scandal of Ought-Five happened, I was like, “Oh those crazy Muslims, irrationally over-reacting again.” Now I’ve discovered what I like to call the Faggot Principle, my thinking has changed.
Here’s the Faggot Principle in a nutshell: if someone in a passing pickup leaned out the window and yelled HEY FAGGOT at you, you’ll get mad, even if you don’t have a homophobic bone in your body. Because even if gayness isn’t a bad idea, in this particular case you know “faggot!” is MEANT as an insult. And you’d be even more mad if a second pickup truck sped by with someone yelling “YOU’RE SO HOMOPHOBIC TO GET MAD HE CALLED YOU A HUGE FAG! STOP BEING HOMOPHOBIC, YOU FAG!”
So if you apply the Faggot Principle, the response of the Muslim community might still be over-reacting, but it’s not irrational or superstitious. Sure, some of the mad people really ARE psychotics who want a violent revenge on a cartoonist, but a huge amount of offended Muslims are probably just mad because they feel they’ve been fag-yelled and then called homophobic to boot. It’s this vast majority of fence-sitters (that is to say, everyday schmucks that have yet to choose a side in the coming clash of civilizations) that is going to make all the difference how that clash turns out in the end. So it’s unwise for us to write them all off as ‘irrational superstisious and hateful’ just yet.
When someone like Rushdie, Charlie Hebdo, or Theo Van Gogh, gets fatwa-ed, it’s a huge international scandal, and those guys are rightly regarded as heroes who were willing to die for freedom, western values, democracy, etc. But here’s the rub: the vast majority of the time someone gets killed for standing up for individual freedom, the heroic victim is a non-famous Muslim schlub who doesn’t give a fuck for Western values or secular pluralism, etc. . . he or she just wants to have a beer and listen to some tunes, and was willing to die for that freedom. Which is – and if you stop reading now I’ll have made my point – JUST as heroic as a ‘creative’ Westerner dying for lofty ideals.
99% of these “die-for-insulting-my-interpretation-of-Islam” incidents occur in some small bumfuck town that gets taken over by some extremist militia – Boco Haram, Al Shabab, Taliban, ISIS, whatever . . . and then suddenly the towns-people are told: “You guys better cut out listening to music, no more flying kites, cover up the women-folk, no more movies, no booze, no football on TV, etc.”
In that situation, just having the wrong-length-beard can get your wig split.
How many small-town schlubs have died just as courageously as Van Gogh or the Hebdo people, just for saying, “Fuck you guys, i’ma going to fly this kite. ” or, “Fuck you guys, I’m going to listen to some phat jams up in here.” And yet, with the sole exception of Nobel Prize winner Malala , we never know their names or respect their sacrifices (and Malala clearly has been coached in how to articulate her message in terms of Western values like equality, pluralism, democracy, etc, so that’s why she’s the exception, bless her.)
I think the main reason that muslim-on-muslim fawta-violence doesn’t get the same amount of press is because it fucks up the narrative of Pro Western Freedom Lovers Vs. Muslim Menace. The martyrs in the small towns aren’t pro-western, and nor are they a menace.
But that negative (‘It fucks up our narrative’) is actually a positive: if we drop the unspoken rule that “You have to admit your culture is inferior to ours, in order for us to give a shit if you die”, if we embrace these courageous martyrs in Bumfuck Pakistan the same way we do Charlie Hedbo, then it would send a history-changing message of “You don’t HAVE to be pro-kardashian, pro-usury, and pro-mcdonalds to join our anti-terror group!”
We could , like, instantly triple the amount of people on our side, for example ,if the west said: “let’s never fuckin’ mind about ‘the clash of civilizations’ and just get together over a shared love of un-forbidden kites, rockin’ tunes, free-flowing booze, and movies. Let’s fuck up anyone who takes that stuff away, and then maybe AFTERWARDS, if we’re still not sleepy, we can argue about niquabs vs jeggings vs butthole-wiping techniques.”
After all, these small-town but anti-western-values fence-sitting schlubs have more reason than anybody to be mad as fuck at extremism. Maybe they’re even mad enough to become pro-western . . . .but only if the western media puts THEIR martyrs’ faces up there right next to Rushdie or the Charlie Hebdo martyrs.
All, “OK we westerners DO like the gays, and we DO like the bikinis, and gays IN bikinis, . . .but we are ALSO down with rampant kite-flying, music playing all the time, movies, women drivers, beers, foot-ball-tv-watching, and end to sectarian violence, and all the other stuff that you WISH you could do. We’ll support you if you support us.”-style.
it’s precisely world-famous terror attacks like this Charlie thing that create an opportunity for all sane people to pull together, but the ensuing anti-muslim hysteria that inevitably follows just wastes that opportunity.
1 – in the west it’s ok to make fun of a particular god or preacher, but not an entire ethnic group/ religion, because groups are made of individuals who might not subscribe to fucked extremist beliefs. That’s why Jews can successfully (and non-violently) censor anti-semetic cartoons, but Muslims don’t get to non-violently censor anti-prophet cartoons; Jews understand the western system and are able to frame their objections in terms of ‘That’s offensive because not all jews are like that’ rather than ‘That’s an offense to G-d and should not be allowed.’ Jews running the mass-media helps, but it’s hardly essential, since they know the rules.
But here’s the thing: those rules are just like any social rule: arbitrary, and they don’t apply everywhere. Sure, our rule is right, and the middle-east rule of “never criticize the prophet, that’s way worse than racism” is wrong. . . but it’s also dopey to expect someone who’s never been out of his or her little dust-town-cum-opium-farm to instantly understand the West’s distinction between mocking a religion and mocking an ethnic group who happens to believe that religion. It’s a pretty fine distinction , you have to admit.
2 – max blumenthal – one of my major heroes – is being just a huge twitter-dick about this whole thing. like to the point where i don’t really want to read him anymore. when michael brown happened he was quick to point out that the media was ‘demonizing he victim’, but that’s exactly what he’s doing to Charlie Hebdo, 24/7, ever since this thing went down. Plus it’s kind of disappointing how he strongly hints that Charlie Hebdo deserved what they got, without actually coming out and saying it. You can imagine him hotly denying, “Hey! I never *SAID* that! In so many words!” Honestly him and his cronies’ tendency to all dogpile onto allies that agree with them about 90% of politics, but disagree over some trivial shit, is so high-school-girl.
3 – it’s cool to make fun of religion but it’s just not EFFECTIVE to offend 99% of peaceful people in a given community. . . ., just to get the goat of the remaining violent 1%, that are your real target. Fuckin’ counterproductive! Show me one ‘satirist’ who offends 90% of white people ACCIDENTALLY? Not that it’s racist, but that it’s not an effective joke with that much collateral damage. Whether you’re Danish, French, or a Branch Floridian . . . can’t you think of a cartoon that would only offend the Islamic militants? Or is that fruit not low-hanging enough? Would that require spending too much time learning about the distinctions between different sects of Islam? You might SAY you don’t hate muslims, only extremists, but if the way you make jokes shows you don’t care about the very muslims that might otherwise support you, and if you’re so willing to accept 99% of them as ‘collateral damage’ of your joke, then why on earth should they believe that you ‘only hate extremists’.?
It’s like when Ice Cube explained why every other word in his raps was BITCH, he said, “What makes you think I was talking about YOU, bitch? If you get that mad, that just proves you ARE one. If the shoe fits, wear it, bitch!”
As much as I love early-90s Cube, I really doubt his explanation changed the mind of a lot of bitches.3 comments
Stop me if you’ve heard this one:
A religion develops a ‘new’ messiah, a puny spin-off of the main god, who gradually grows in popularity over time . . . the new version of god gets more and more jealous as his followers accumulate more earthly power, and eventually insists that he is the ONLY version of god, and the ‘old’ god is but a false idol. The minions of the new version insist the old-school true-believers mend their ways, or be put to death, or torture. All the while they keep insisting they’re only killing to HELP the old-school true-believers truly understand God better by giving the new messiah – the Usurper – a chance.
The Spanish Inquisition? The infamous Torquemada?
No. Moses! Big Moishe!
The only reason Moses is seen as a savior of the Israelites and Torquemada as their arch-nemesis is, Torquemada didn’t finish the fucking job.
If that comparison sounds crazy, or anti-Semitic to you, that just shows you how good a job Moses did of re-writing the history books. . . . erasing all memory of the old-school true-believer Jews of his day.
I’m talking about the Golden Calf worshipers.
Those were the ‘bad’ Jews in the Biblical desert,, just like the Spanish Jews were ‘bad’, 2,000 some-odd years later. . . .’bad’ because they didn’t realize that the new spin-off God was now the main, and ONLY God.
In the Torah (and the old testament), the Golden Calf Worshipers were Jews that got tired of waiting for Moses to come down from the mountain, and reverted back to worshiping their pagan idol. Actually, the Golden Calf is a metaphor, or a composite, of the dozens and dozens of Middle-East gods that most Jews worshiped ALONG WITH Jehovah. At that time, even a thousand years after the Jewish religion began, poly-theism was STILL as Jewy as eating challah and circumcision. Sure, the Israelites thought Jehovah was the MOST IMPORTANT, but they hedged their bets. In fact, even that (having a Most Important God) was normal for the OTHER middle-east tribes at the time – even the pagans and Philistines, etc, had a main god for the city-state in which they were born.
so Moses is painted as a hero, even though basically he really liked killing Jews. like, the first thing he did after coming down the mountain and telling people THOU SHALT NOT KILL is kill Jews. the golden-calf guys.
Just like the Jews of Middle-aged Europe , the ones persecuted by Torquemada, the golden calf jews were like, “Yo, this new spin-off god of yours, ‘jehovah’ or what-have-you, he’s A’ight, but we’re going to keep it real over here. we’re going to keep it old-school. How are we wrong for worshiping the way our ancestors did? If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”
compare with; “Yo, this new spin-off god of yours, ‘jesus’ or what-have-you, he’s A’ight, but we’re going to keep it real over here. we’re going to keep it old-school. if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”
To which Moses and Torquemada replied, “Well how about if YOU’RE broken? Motherfucker?”
(not to mention the totally psycho episode with the unfortunate fool gathering sticks on the sabbath. Not only did Moses kill him too, but he made everyone else in the tribe help -or else. Not only THAT, they killed him in the most laborious, labor-intensive, sabbath-break-y way to murder a man; stoning. Big Mo could of just had ONE Israelite cut the poor guy’s throat, that would barely qualify as labor. But no – he had to make the whole tribe labor picking up and throwing heavy stones in the hot sun all fucking day, to teach them not to labor on the sabbath. Just like how he killed to teach them that killing is wrong. (I mean Moses is kind of the Oliver Cromwell of his day – he starts out overthrowing the king and leading the people to freedom, then he just keeps killing people like he was addicted to it. Except most folks now admit that Cromwell was a genocidal booger.))
It’s not just the violence that I find scary- there’s this attitude of “I’m trying to help you be a better Jew, and you just won’t listen! Where’s the ‘Thank yous?'”
History is full of people from Totally Different Religions fighting over whose god is better. History is also full of people – mostly Muslims at this point – fighting over which interpretation of the Holy Book is better.
But this whole Moses / Torquemada thing, where the True Believers try to go Monotheistic, but their One God keeps gradually gradually splitting into new sub-gods, Trinities, or Messiahs, and they have to purge their own ranks every millennium, just to make it properly monotheistic again . . . this is some unique shit. It’s a peculiar Judeo-Christian madness.2 comments
First of all, let me acknowledge that+
1) it’s hard to make films for fans because we’ll complain no matter what you do, if you please the 1 percent hardcore you’ll alienate the other 99 percent. I get that.
2) It’s hard to go off-canon, because you have to include a real ‘tolkien-ish feel’ without being ‘derivative’. The classic problem of ‘viewers want the same exact thing as last time. . . .except different’, which problem dates back to the beginning of hollywood, and is not at all limited to hardcore nerds.
Therefore, I was actually OK with dude going off-canon. The way he went off canon in the first 2 was well done: he was fleshing out the backstories and eccentricities of minor characters from the real books. That is a good compromise.
But this shit.
The dragon dying in the first 15 minutes?
Worst of both worlds: giving part 2 a totally unsatisfying ending, and part 3 an equally anticlimactic beginning. Cliffhangers are ok if you’re making buck rogers serials in the 30s, but that’s because in the 30s YOU ONLY HAD TO WAIT 2 WEEKS, for the next installment, not a fuckin’ year. It feels like they put the dragon-slaying in film 3 just in order to have some canon-ish hook to hang the rest of the movie on. Like ‘we’re starting from the real book here, give us a break!’. Fuck that. Jackson should have had more balls, killed the dragon at the end of part 2, and blatantly said ‘part 3 is gonna be all shit I made up. I done did 5 films of canon, I gave you nerds what you wanted, now this next one is for Peter.’
Word to ice-t.
“I MAKE RECORDS FOR YOU, BUT THIS ONE’S FOR ME!”
Or if they totally OWNED the anticlimax of part 3 – like if Smaug caught a spear to the chest while responding to an ‘urgent’ text in the middle of raping the village, or if the humans poured so much rainbow glitter on him that the computers could no longer render him, so he just glitched up and stopped moving. Or if he just keeled over in the first 5 seconds from Lyme Disease, and then a huge-ass Dragon Tick spits out the Arkenstone, and it lands on the head of a sleeping Son Doobie, and then the next 10 minutes is a Funkdoobiest video about Lyme Disease and the importance of early detection and treatment.
Also: I’m kind of ambivalent about the plot-holes. I don’t like films that take the fantasy-land politics too seriously, and over explain shit that no one cares about.
But at the same time, if they have 20 minutes to waste on redundant scenes of dwarf-king-guy brooding over and over, then they definitely had some time to sew up some of the many loose ends: what happened to the arkenstone? What did the main human revolutionary guy do after they defeated the orcs? Did he ever get his money? Did the elves ever get their bling? Who became the new dwarf king? What happened to the gold? Why did the elves abandon the dwarves the FIRST time the dragon came ‘round? Did the Russel-Brand-lookin’-ass greasy human in the granny costume with titties full of stolen gelt ever get his comeuppance? Did Bilbo ever plant his wacky tree? Did the elf lady ever French the suave dwarf? What about the other 2 main wizards besides Radagast, Gandalf and Osama bin Saruman? I was hoping they’d get their own backstory. And is T-Funk still doing the Tomahawk Chop now that the Redskins are officially racist as fuck? Again, any one of these issues is super nerdy and I forgive Jackson for not making a super-fanboy movie, BUT since Jackson is so clearly desperate to pad out the movie to 2 hours, he should have gotten into SOME of that shit, rather than: “I’m still brooding” “is he still brooding?” “Yes he is still brooding.” “how about now” “Nope, still brooding.” “that is SO WEIRD he’s still brooding.” “Whelp, what can you do. Should we check again? “I don’t see why not, there’s still 89 minutes to go….”
And what SHOULD be done with the arkenstone? It’s clearly presented as a sort of off-brand Ring O” Power. And I’m ok with re-doing the classic Tolkien bits in an effort to make the off-canon stuff feel ‘real.’ But you got to take it in some new direction. As it is, they just forgot about it halfway through the movie. At one point we’re told it’s ‘the birthright’ of ALL dwarves. At other points, it seems to be ‘dragon-cursed’ and just plain evil. Should it be destroyed like the One Ring, or, what? Broken into pieces and one piece given to every dwarf? Or set up like the English Crown Jewels or the weird-ass asteroid at Mecca so all the dwarves can see it once a year, single-file? Or what?
Maybe it’s dorky to get all RAND-institute-white-paper-ish re: the serious dwarven-government-policy issue presented by the arkenstone, but that’s the stuff that excites me. Compromise: I’d be happy to stop my nerdy overthinking of the issue, if Jackson had cut out all 40 minutes of excessive King-brooding-re:arkenstone scenes. But since it’s so important to the first half of the film, you don’t have to be a Dwarvish-policy wonk to wonder what happens to it in the second half.
Plus, not for nothing, but humans, orcs, elves, and dwarves is only four armies. I guess it’s five if you include the half-dozen eagles as a whole army, but then you’d have to also include the corny-ass bats too, and then you’re up to six. So what the fuck. I feel like I just watched Resivoir Dogs and I’m the only one who didn’t realize who shot Mr. Pink. (edit; just checked a Tolkien Wiki and it said the fifth army was Goblins, but they are on screen for even less time than the bats, so what the fuck) (I mean if you include goblins, you’d have to include the fake Dune worms, AND the giant-ass tactical trolls, and then you’re up to seven armies. Which would be cool if the fake Dune worms had their own backstory and the whole movie was intercut with scenes of Worm General Command, in some underground Situation Room, arguing about which Funkdoobiest song was the best, and whether the early ‘90s really was the Golden Age of Hiphop, (the minority faction – First Lieutenant Vermiface and Colonel Rockbarfer – contend that the whole ‘golden-age nostalgia’ is at best pedantic and at worst borderline haterish, but Rockbarfer has a less-than-rad ass engraving of Puffy, so she’s fairly suspect), and then almost coming to blows re: Lynch vs. Jodorowsky’s adaptation of Dune, before all going to Sauron’s house to demand more of the Mordor Defense Budget, accusing him of being Soft on Defense and part of the Blame Mordor First liberal elites).
And who’s the main elf lady (Google search for “main Elf broad that Gandalf has a Plus Five boner for” yeilds the result: galadriel, so I’m going to go with that). Did anyone else think it was, like, strategically weird that Galadriel used 99% of her magic strength just to take out a single, solitary, non-deluxe orc that was guarding Gandalf??? She was like “OMG taking out that solitary non-deluxe orc was hella hard, bro. I’m wiped out, I think I’ll just pass out from sheer exhaustion while you guys do your thing. Oh, by the way, just as an afterthought, how about I SINGLEHANDEDLY WHIP SAURON’S SPECTRAL FLAMING ASS with the last remnants of my magic points?”
Amirite, fellas? The guys know what I’m talking ’bout!
Plus, besides his damsel-in-distress-role-reversal, gandalf does nothing cool. I was stoked to see Radagast make a cameo, but even he just duplicates powers and spells and rabbits he had in previous films, I was hoping that they’d do what they did in the first joint and flesh out his character more, flashbacks, new and exciting feats of wizardry, or at least more drugs.
Plus, another problem: nobody says things that a regular person would say in that situation. Nobody ever tells their opponent some simple piece of information that would make the opponent say, “Wha–? Really? Oh shit, we’re on the same side, here. Why didn’t you say so. Jesus, we almost did some dumb shit there!” Which is by no means a problem unique to this movie. In fact that exact issue – where you are so frustrated you want to yell at the screen “JUST TELL HIM THE OBVIOUS THING! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?”. It’s such a common issue of movies there really should be a word for that exact phenomenon.
Like when Big Mohawk Dwarf guy shows up, nobody says to him, “King-Broody-Pants done got Dragon Sickness! He’s gone nuts!”.
Or when Main Human meets the Dwarves/Elves/Gandalf, he never says, “Guess who killed a motherfuckin’ dragon? THIS GUY. THIS GUY RIGHT HERE.” And then he never points to his own chest and goes “Deeeeyamnnnnn.”
And at no point in the 4 hours devoted to tedious negotiations over the Dwarven Loot does any human, dwarf, elf, halfling accountant, Goblin corporate arbitrator, Ninth-level Ent contract attourney, or transgender half-Urik-Hai Financial Settlement Specialist ever think to ask, “How MUCH of the money do the non-dwarfs want?” (OK I get that the Main Dwarf was fully Gollum-ized by that point (or is it fully Theoden-ized? Or fully Denethor-ized? Or any of the million other Fucked Kings of Tolken (see also: “going off canon but trying to keep it real by recycling older tropes”- difficulties, as I mentioned at the beginning),. . .. anyway, I get there was no reasoning with the Main Dwarf, but still the characters should say the things that YOU in the audience would say if you were them.)
Another scene where obvious dialogue was willfully suppressed: “Hey elf-lord! If you don’t belive old Gandalf that a bajillion orcs are on their way, why not ask Elrond, WHO I WAS JUST WITH WHEN HE KILLED 9 ECTOPLASMIC NAZGUL!” (and the elf guy would be “Oh you mean they take ectoplasmic form until they have absorbed enough Evil Energy to make a physical body?” and then Voldermort would be like “Aww yeah! Isn’t that how everyone does it???” (Also: Voldermort was so FAT in the last couple of movies. I would love to see a director’s cut of the last Potter film where someone photoshopped a big sandwitch into his hand in every scene. All pesto sauce and mayonaisse running down his cheeks. All napkin tucked into the top of his muu-muu. All Brando from Apocalypse Now popping in the frame, going, “You gonna finish that?”))
Also it would of been rad if the eagles flew into the battle, took a look around, and went like, “Naw, fuck this.”
Or if they came swooping in but they only saved Funkdoobiest, and Gandalf was all, WTF man, i thought you guys were cool. And the main eagle was like “AWK! SHITTIN ON ‘EM! SHITTIN ON ‘EM! AWKKKKK!”
In the past month, i’ve spotted not one but BOTH of the things I’d been waiting a decade to see:
1) a RUN-DMC parody t-shirt. . . . that ACTUALLY SAID RUN-DMC.
2) an African woman with an Asian boyfriend.
As a result, I feel that my Japan experience is complete and I’m going to fuck off back to California at the end of this month.
I have no idea if anyone reads this anymore, but I’m giving away a bunch of free shit if you come to my house and haul it off.
I’m talking about: a ton of English novels, furniture, bicycles, blender, gas table, refrigerator, crappy stereo speakers, hundreds of rad and tasteful CDs, a vacuum, full-length mirror, AND a damn Roland Juno keyboard!
If you want that stuff you’ll have to get your ass out to Musashi Koganei (on the chuo line) BEFORE THE 28TH.
It’s all free though.
if you want it , email me in the comments.
As for what’s going to become of this site, I have no idea. Obviously I’ll keep TDR up although I won’t update it anymore.
From now, I want to start a new website devoted to satire. political satire, music, random drunken rants, ideas for books I’d like to read but would never take the time to write, ideas for fashion trends, etc.
I guess what I’m asking is, do you think I should do my next site also with wordpress?
Or should I use a different blog thing?
I’ll tell you right now, no facebook or fucking twitter. fuck that shit.
OK, thanks for reading, and if you know anyone in Tokyo that wants a free CD or keyboard or mirror etc. let them know.
Way, way down, in the ghetto deep
The badass pimp stepped on the signifying rapper’s feet
And the rapper said, Nigga can’t you see
You’re standin on my motherfucking feet?
The badass pimp said, Sure I ain’t heard a cocksucking word you said
You say some more, I’ll be standin on your motherfucking head
Yeah that’s what he said
Cause every day, when the sun go down
The badass pimp come and kick that rappers ass all over ghetto town
But the rapper got wise, started using his wit
And said man, I’m gettin tired of this kick-ass shit
So early, early early the very next day
The rapper said, mister pimp, mister pimp I got something to say
There’s this mean, big bad faggot comin your way
He talk about you so bad, turn my hair gray
Listen, listen to what he say
Listen to this mister badass pimp
This what the faggot said
He said, you know your daddy and he’s a faggot
And your mother’s a whore
He said he seen you sellin asshole door to door
Yeah that’s what he said, listen to what else he said mister badass pimp
He said, your granny, she’s a dyke
And your other brother, he’s a faggot
And your little sister Loo
She’s so low she sucked the dick of a little maggot
Yeah that’s what he said
The badass pimp was mad
Jumped up in a hell of a rage
Hopped in his Caddy and loaded his 12 guage
Caught up with the faggot on 55th and Vine
Said you faggot, it’s gonna be your ass or mine
The faggot looked at the pimp, and saw fear in his eyes
Said motherfucker, you better go fuck with somebody your own damn size
The pimp made his move, and thought he was fast
The faggot side-stepped him and kicked him in his ass
They fought all that night, and all the next day
That faggot kicked that pimp’s ass in a hell of a way
Me myself I don’t know how he survived
Came back to the projects more dead than alive
And the rapper, standin up on one of those tall ass project buildings
He said, DAMN somethin smells
He said, mister badass pimp look live you’ve been through hell
As I told one of my hoes before you left
I should’ve kicked your ass my motherfucking self
Anti-war bloggers and human-rights activists are going about this anti-Gaza-massacre-protest thing all wrong.
Israeli politicians seem to enjoy all the human rights complaints. For years they’ve been telling the citizens this narrative: “The whole world hates Jews for NO REASON, and we are the only ones protecting you from the world. You need us!” The more tsk-tsking Israel gets, the more power local elites get.
TL;DR: they drink your sweet sweet tears, liberals!
So if you can’t shame them into digging the groovey human rights of Palestinians, and you damn sure can’t over-power their military with your retweets, what is left? The obvious solution is to turn the various powerful factions (political parties, football clubs, religious kooks, army/secret-police goons, and settlers) against each other. After all, these factions have been growing more and more powerful for a decade now, while regular Jewish Israelis are more and more scared to even speak their minds for fear of being labeled a “terrorist sympathizer” and stomped by a mob. As public debate and democracy go downhill, the various ambitious leaders must ALREADY be wondering “Hey, we already took over the country thiiiis much *streteches arms* without even trying, imagine how much MORE powerful we could be if we stopped sharing the power with all these other rightist factions . .. who aren’t Real Jews like us because (insert reason).”
All the leftists need to do is give the rightist ego a little shove. It’s exactly as foretold by, of all people, SCHOOLY MOTHERFUCKING D, in his song Signifying Rapper. In addition to having basically the most cuss words of any song not on Rap-A-Lot records, AND in addition to having the most crushing Led Zeppelin beat since Rhyming and Stealing, updating African folklore (google Signifying Monkey) into the Philadelphia projects . . . ., this song also can solve the mid-east peace crisis.
Put another way, it’s exactly BECAUSE the rightists have such a lock on all the levers of power. . . the left can make the right do what it itself cannot.
The divisions between rightists are already there. Settlers are united in their hatred of Palestinians, and love of sweet sweet government subsidies, but divided into two groups: super secular army-vet guys, and super duper religious. What if someone were to spread the word to the super religious settlers that, starting next year, the government was going to take all the subsidies away from them and give extra subsidies to the secularists? And, like, vice versa?
These settlers have been honing their techniques of intimidation harassment and small-town terrorism for decades on their Palestinian neighbors . . . but have no experience in TAKING it, because they’re protected by the IDF. imagine if they brought all of that grudge-wielding hatred to bear on each other??
And what would the IDF even do to stop it, without appearing to take sides and thus turning mere rumors into reality?
Another example: allegedly the ringleader of the kindnapping-torture-murder of Mohammed Abu Khdeir is a member of both an extreme religious group AND Israel’s most racist football firm.
That’s a civil war just waiting to happen: football hooligans love casual dress, partying, pumping iron, and banging sluts at terrible electro discos. the Haredim (AKA Ultra-Orthodox) hate all of those things. A classic jocks-vs.-nerds fight waiting to happen. How hard could it be to tell the Haredi group, “The ringleader said you’re some nerrrrrds!” and then tell the football firm “The ringleader said that you’re all going to go to hell for being shitty Jews, and you’ll be there right next to the Arabs.”
Other rifts in the power structure waiting to be exploited:
Ashkenazi (European jewish majority, AKA the rich, establishment Israelis) vs Mizrahi (Arabic Jews AKA new working-class immigrants hoping to earn respectability by being the most violent anti-Palestinian rioters/lynchers but who not so secretly hate the arrogant and condescending Ashkenazi).
Rifts INSIDE IDF: tell the Mizrahi that all the promotions are going to the Russians who clearly don’t deserve them, and vice-versa. Watch morale and discipline crumble.
Variation on the ethnic theme: Allegations that an off-duty Russian Israeli IDF captain was spotted at a hotel with the wife of a Mizrahi Lieutenant who was risking his life on the front lines of Gaza: classic J. Edgar Hoover shit.
Similarly, Shin Bet (I guess, the equivalent of the FBI) vs. Mossad (=CIA). Not sure what existing resentments those guys have to exploit. Maybe someone can tell me?
Racist football gangs vs. other racist football gangs. I mean, they’re SUPPOSED to beat each other up, that was the whole point of hooliganism! Just wait until the most racist team plays the second most racist team. . . . How hard could it be to get a bent ref in there to hand one team a completely unfair victory in the last 3 minutes of the match? Jesus, that’s a no-brainer. 200 skinheads in the hospital, 200 more in jail, zero Palestinians lynched.
OH! Here’s a last one, and maybe the most fun: the Haredim vs. everyone! They don’t have to work (religious-study welfare), they don’t have to serve in the army (which is expected to die defending them when they provoke Palestinians), and best of all: many of them ARE NOT ZIONISTS. Any goyim who ever had to read The Chosen in high school, knows what I’m talking about: there’s some passage in the Torah which supposedly says “Israel can’t be officially re-established until AFTER the Messiah comes back.”, so these hard-core literalists feel like the Israeli state is blasphemous, which puts them somewhere BEYOND Fatah (the Palestianian sorta-government in the West Bank).
The question is not, “how do we provoke a civil war between haredim and everyone else?” but more like, “How has this not ALREADY become a civil war?!??”
There’s a million and one hilarious ways this could go, but the first scenario that comes to mind: “Hey, Haredim! The Gummint is so proud of the (secular, non-european) Mizrahi for oppressing the Palestinians, they’re going to take all your yeshiva money and subsidies and give it to Mizrahi on welfare! Starting next year!”
The icing on the cake: think of the hasbara! (no, it’s not a ‘70s cartoon company, it’s a Hebrew neologism for “propaganda”, spread not just by the government but by “independent” newspapers, American pundits, and legions of part-time social media worker-bees). The hasbara people are among the world’s best trained, best equipped, masters of verbal warfare, misdirection, evasion, sophistry, cunning and trolling. But the whole hasbara system, with its many components (paid government workers, Joe-schmoe internet trolls, pundits, “journalists”, and “community organizations” like the JADL . . .each of which has different vested interests) depends on them having a common cause, a common opponent, to keep them from sniping at each other.
So once Israeli rightist elite factions start fighting EACH OTHER, the hasbara system will also be directed inwards, magnifying divisions, spreading rumors, using all their techniques which they’ve been perfecting on arabs and left-center Jews, and helping tear the whole system apart without any further effort. It’ll be a Godwin’s Law orgy.1 comment
I’m going to Sochi, to give Putin a trophy
The crowd is all saluting for the way that he blows me
Homie sucks like a Flowbee , calluses is on both knees
He’s grody he’s lonely , wants to show me his goatse
Judges gave him a 9 – The deepest throat of the winter
But deducted one point, because my man is a spitter
“Don’t cum in my pot (russian for mouth)” is what he always said
So I gave him an “instant Gorbachyev”
She was Head of state but still couldn’t get a date
Then she had the bright idea to repress the gays
All the competition was locked in a cell
Now Miss Vladimir has all the cock to herself
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
(we don’t love them tricks!)
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
(talking about my penis!)
she wants to see What is lurkin’ all up under my merkin
Don’ t got a pussy riot but I got a boner disturbance
I unholster the serpent ,she grab a hold and start jerkin
Putin’s moaning and flirtin -bitch bend over and start twerkin
I put a whole lot of work i, now I’m hosin I’m squirtin
I’m wreckin that rectum; reckon it’s over its curtains
Now will you go put a shirt on? Better go see a surgeon
’cause that aperture looks like it’s totally hurtin
Putin said “Nyet,” Drank the load and kept slurping
I was nuttin and bussin so hard she got a concussion
she drank it all up, just like a White Russian
Olympics is nothing, but graft and corruption
50 billion in taxes For roads that don’t function
Hotel over the budget, but still under construction
where’d the money go, I don’t know, Go ask Snowden or something!
The commode isn’t flushing, the ceremony disgusting:
Just a unicycle bear eating moldy old Funnyuns
Meanwhile people so bumming , they’re selling manhole for cash
That’s not a gay joke, They sell the covers for scrap
Just to feed all their children, cause their taxes was tapped
By the evilest villains ,they’re stealing them billions
And they’re building new prisons For the gays and the Chechens
For athletes that is protesting Journalists who ask questions
Want to do to them What you did to Circassians!
Distractin’ attention onto stranger s and scapegoats so
embracin the church and blame it all on the rainbow
Now gay bashin is in fashion with the national pride
While you’re robbing them blind and slashing their rights
Cameras in the pipes, there’s spies in the showers
Surveiling the boners, just in case one is homo
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
you’re an anti-gay bigot , just because you aint felt my dick yet.
Cold getting indignant, because your manhood is a figment
You got a scandalous pickle, far from a hammer and sickle
Hung like the smallest matroshka With one damaged testicle.
Put away and belay that shit, it’s absurd and and irrational
I’m gay and persuasive, like the third international
Homos you were hating now you’re connecting my dong to lips
Get busy like Tatlin, and start erecting my monument.
I was pumping like Gazprom I’m hung like a mastodon .
With a latex bra and some colorful Pampers on
He played my dick and balls like a triathalon
I gave him a medal for choad guzzling brain work
He got the silver I got the gold cause I came first.
Then snuck with his blue bucket his ducats and his vodka
Dosvidanya, don’t say I didn’t warn ya
There’s a chance of crabs or perhaps a rash on your pee-pee
just spray it with Febreeze, thanks for the meat sleeve.
By the way I’m havin’ this Yacov Smirnov CD.
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
Something he said to me one day, something he said to me . .. !
“I practice butthole surfing every day, I’ma win it!”
“But Vladimir, that’s not even in the Olympics!”
Man fuck them old limp-dicks, The sponsors is pimping
The athletes is whoring while The contractor’s grifting
Meanwhile the IOC, profits from the bribery
Just for saying that, the FSB uhhhh they opened a file on me
Plus they got Rule 50, shut you up in a jiffy
You can get black-listed if you raise a black fist up
Plus your medals get ripped up, politics is forbidden
That’s why nobody’s cheering when their country is winning.
The whole façade is Potemkin Just a cog in the system
So ignore the gay-bashing Just say your sponsor’s terrific
But if you try to address it You might get arrested
Free speech is for hooligans And gays all molest kids
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
Pass the Johnson quit hoggin it , Face first like tobogganist
She suck like an octopus ,on the root like a botanist
every body in Moscow is , stretching out that esophagous
speed this line up, it’s getting monotonous
hosing disposing and deep throating a lotta jizz
two gallons o cum ! just like 2001,
you want that big black monolith, right where your tonsils is
the breakfast of champions word to Kurt Vonnegut
keep it Kandinsky, yo you’re keeping it Communist
you want that Red Wedge all up in your naughty bits
so deep that it hurts you Deeper still it converts you
Now you’re trickin in red square In a wig and a girdle
Vladimir had a rear that was queer and so versatile
It was reversible, more tricks than a circus do
he knows I’m an ass-man, so he’s wearing those chap-pants,
in the club for a lap-dance, get more butts than an ash-can
Caught on the dash-cam giving head in a Lada
Called it Vlad TV, now it’s a headline on Pravda
And it ain’t kompromat, it’s more of a compliment
5 kopeks a load: She’s the Moscow Laundromat,
Pay me the rubles, and you can pound that ass Round town her
name is The Louge because she go down so fast
And it aint cool runnings More like Dudes Cumming
Cus when Putin’s in effect yo you can wreck it for nothing
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK4 comments
Recently, there’s been a lot of hand-wringing about how the media makes everybody polarized, gets everyone riled up and ready to have a heart attack, treats politics like some retarded sports event, stirs up controversy out of little things while ignoring huge systemic problems which affect ALL Americans, regardless of party affiliation, breeds paranoia, fear-mongering, and hysterical hype.
I think those accusations are really unfair.
The media has, all along, been doing their best to CALM EVERYONE THE FUCK DOWN, and make us all MELLOW AND UPBEAT. The problem is the fucking VIEWERS. The whole time, we’ve been watching THE WRONG CHANNELS. THAT’s why people are so angry and fearful and unable to cooperate.
See, what I figured out is, the whole time liberals were supposed to watch FOX. It’s not a conservative network, it’s a liberal network with really poor self-awareness. If a liberal watches Fox an hour a day, they’ll say:
“Gee whiz! America is turning into a socialist paradise where the rich are punished for success? Athiests run the government? The eco-fascist EPA is still allowed to ban job-creating toxic waste, while Minorities control who gets to vote? Jackbooted Government thugs are seizing our Christmas trees and giving them to Rappers? The UN is coming to take away all the guns AND Oakleys? Feminiazis destroyed the career of yet another athlete, while the Politically Correct Police are forcing school-kids to read Emma Goldman-Angela Davis slash fiction with my tax dollars? Illegal immigrants getting gay married to abortions is not only legal but mandatory in 57 states? The President is a wimp who won’t fight in Syria or Iran? Fuck yeah, kid! Finally an America I can be proud of! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!”
Likewise, all along the conservatives should have been watching Rachel Maddow and Amy Goodman :
“Holy cow! The NRA can overrule policies that 90% of Americans support! The Republicans can filibuster un-controversial non-partisan bills in order to extort Democrats ! Tiny Southern states with 1/70th the population of big Democratic states still get just as many votes in the Senate! Wall Street guys can buy, trade, and sell politicians and regulators like so many Magic the Gathering cards! There’s a war on women, cops kill minorities for no reason, and the President is actually to the right of Bush on national security, corporate bailouts, and secrecy! Golly, I had no idea the American Dream was so alive and well! I take back all the Obama-slash-Joker-slash-Hitler posters I ever made! U-S-A! U-S-A! ”
See, all along the media was trying to bring us together in a spirit of optimism and relaxation, but we were just too stupid to see it.
Here is an amazing thing about History: For all of recorded history, generals had to win wars. Wild! It didn’t matter if you were fighting for a “good guy” (Chirchill, Caesar) or a “bad guy” – Stalin, Ghenghis Khan. . . if you lost the war, or even if you catastrophically fucked up a battle, you were ASS OUT. Monarchists, fascists, communists, no-ideology-havin’-ass banana-republic dictators all agree on one thing: generals should know how to win.
Fast-forward to America, after WWII. The sole remaining superpower after Russia said “fuck it.” The biggest military in the world, no other super-powers in sight, yet, check our track record:
Grenada: won, but what the fuck. Even getting in a fight with grenada makes us seem weak. It’s like if Jay-Z had to answer-rap every Youtube rapper who dissed him.
Panama: That wasn’t even a war – that was just us setting the Guiness World record for “Largest-scale Drug Deal Gone Wrong.”
Iraq: we actually won that one in the ‘90s, but inexplicably decided on a do-over, (When was the last time that the WINNER demanded a do-over?!? ) Which we proceeded to lose. I mean, if China is getting the oil, we lost, right?
So, to sum up: despite the huge increase in our arms spending, we haven’t unambiguously won a single major war since WWII.
And yet: HOW MANY GENERALS HAVE BEEN FIRED? Sure, if you stick your penis into a reporter, your ass is grass, but FIRED FOR FAILING TO WIN? That’s way too uptight, man. Mellow out!
Not only are we failing to fire generals, we are making more generals! The generals-to-privates ratio today is FIVE TIMES what it was at the end of WWII.
And our pentagon budget has never been bigger.
So, the amazing thing about History: for the first time in ever, we are REWARDING GENERALS FOR FAILURE.
It gets weirder!
The major lesson we seemed to have learned from Vietnam and Korea was not “here is how to win” or even “here is how to not get your ass kicked by people so poor their shoes are made of cut-up car tires”, the major lesson seems to be: HERE IS HOW TO STRUCTURE THE MISSION SO THAT NO ONE INCLUDING THE GENERALS HAS ANY IDEA OF WHAT WINNING OR LOSING MIGHT EVEN LOOK LIKE.
All of our recent, post 9/11 wars have been more and more vague:
Iraq, as I mentioned before, was pretty clearly a loss from Saddam’s perspective. But – unlike our occupations of West Germany and Japan – we left the country in much worse shape, they fucking hate us, and we were so desperate to get out of there that we had Iran pre-approve our puppet leader, just to make sure he’d last more than a week. But was that a failure? Hard to say, but only because THE ARMY NEVER HAD ANY ENDING POINT TO THE MISSION IN THE FIRST PLACE. Because they are dumb? No, because they are SMART: if you don’t have a goal, no one can say you failed!
Afghanistan is like that but worse – it’s not so much that we’re failing, as it is we have no idea what success IS. Ask a dozen civilian or military leaders and receive a dozen different answers! The people sending our kids off to fight are whimsically throwing out random endgames as if they were Willy Wonka: defeating the Taliban? re-making Afghanistan as a democratic country with a new political system? re-making Afghanistan’s culture into some secular, feminist, non-violent, revenge-hating, gay-porn-Disneyland-and-macdonald’s-loving utopia? Killing the bad guys, plus enough innocent civilians to generate an equal amount of new bad guys, forever? Take your pick! The only real common point of these non-answers is: IT DOESN’T MATTER.
And of course the war on Terror is the most vague of all : a world-wide, on-purpose-endless, struggle against a fucking IDEA. A battle where Americans are targets, where even the tactics and weapons are secret.
Now maybe you’re saying “The army doesn’t decide what the goals of a war is, you stupid hippy! The civilian leaders do! Learn basic facts before you start having an opinion!”
Yes, civilians ARE to blame – but not the ones you’re thinking of.
Here’s where I blow your mind: These unprecedented trends (rewarding failure, endless-and-unwinnable-missions) . . .are not IN SPITE OF us having the biggest military in the world, they’re BECAUSE OF that very thing.
I’m talking about the fuckin’ Military-Industrial Complex! How do you THINK we got the biggest army? It’s because we have the biggest, richest, most influential arms-manufacturing companies on the planet : The arms manufacturers, who have generals, senators, and cabinet secretaries all begging for their contributions/ post-retirement lobbying jobs.
Our soldiers definitely want to win (or at least survive), and the enemy definitely wants to win (or at least get us to leave). . . the only fucking people involved in the whole war who can afford to have a “MEH” attitude are . . . the arms manufacturers!
Because they make money whether we’re winning OR losing: if we’re winning, that means that their weapons are The Best, so everyone in the world will want to buy more of those weapons. If we’re losing, that means that Our Boys Are In Trouble, so the army had better order more munitions to help ‘em out!
I think the recent trend in no-end-in-sight vague-ass missions is directly related to the growth of the defense industry’s lobbying power. The defense companies don’t just make the bombs and shit, they are influencing whether and HOW we go to war: the more vague the mission, the longer we can drag it out, the more money we spend.
Ever since Eisenhower gave his famous speech, people have been aware that arms merchants push us to start wars, but for the first time it’s to the point where they push us to on-purpose STALEMATES, where they push for nebulous missions where there is no winning OR losing, just endless fighting! In a perfect war economy, we create exactly one terrorist for each one we kill, resulting in a steady and predictable quarterly earnings report for the share-holders.
Thought experiment: imagine a country in a life-or-death fight for survival. You’d expect them to really punish generals that consistently lose battles, or fight to a draw. But imagine a country run by arms merchants, and you’d expect them to have a much more laid-back, “Meh?” attitude towards military competence. Which scenario better describes modern-day America?
And it’s no coincidence that these new-school, funny-style wars (all 3 of them) had their open-ended, never-ending, and world-record-in-history-setting-ly vague strategies developed by Rumsfeld and Cheney, who both profited from the international arms business prior to working in government. (and after, too, in Cheney’s case)
Rumsfeld never worked in the arms industry but – as secretary of defense, he held enough stock In arms companies that it was a scandal and he had to sell the stock. Also he was chairman of a think-tank called “Rand Corporation”, which according to Wikipedia was founded by Douglas Aircraft, (later becoming Maconnell Douglas), a major major huge defense contractor. So there’s that.
And of course Cheney. The guy who continued to get fucking “deferred compensation” from arms manufacturers even while in office. The guy whose fucking WIFE sold warplanes and bombers (while criticizing rappers for violent lyrics). She also had to quit her arms-dealing when he became VP (to avoid conflict of interest). But luckily, she had ANOTHER job offer in 2002 – being on the board of the American Enterprise Institute, which *surprise!* pushed hard for the Iraq war, which made a shit-ton of money for her former employers. So! Having a JOB at Locheed while your husband decides whether or not to go to war: conflict! Having a job at a THINK TANK which is chock full of OTHER retired defense contractors, where you cheerlead for war, while your husband decides whether or not to go to war: NOT conflict of interest. No corruption at all! And THAT’S why we never went to war in Iraq. Because that would have been a disaster!
Also it’s no coincidence that we get no-end-in-sight wars soon after we lost the Russian threat: I know I’m not the first to say the Russian threat was exaggerated in order to boost profits – I’m saying that the Cold War was profitable in exactly the same WAY that the War on Terror is: it had NO exit strategy, and a HUGE amount of “Just in case” spending, . . . a reliable year-in-year-out source of income. (“Just in case” spending would be like, Star Wars SDI, or all those nukes . . .or in today’s case, all the what-if-terrorists-bomb-a-small-town-in-Nebraska Homeland Security spending. As opposed to, say, old-style wars like WWII or Korea. There was no “just in case” – those were full-on fucking wars , we were struggling just to keep up with demand for materiel).
I’m not going to suggest that there was some Illuminati-style secret meeting with tented fingers and hisses of, “Exxxxxxxcellent!”
I’m just saying that arms manufacturers can INFLUENCE the way we fight wars even if they don’t do it ON PURPOSE. Check it out: a) everyone involved in planning strategy and exit strategies for conflicts – the army generals and civilian leaders – are beholden to these companies, b) this leads to a lot of excess spending, as the corporations use their political/military influence to bribe generals/legislators and c) because of excess military spending, America has the LUXURY of getting in random wars-of-choice for decades on end. That was never an OPTION before, for ANY country.
Picture the civilian leaders giving generals such open-ended vague missions 50 years ago! That would not have even occurred to anybody! because back then it was still like, “if you don’t have an unambiguous victory, your ass is grass.” Even back when we were being imperialists in Latin America, we still demanded clear-cut missions ,and success at those missions. “Overthrow that democratically-elected Presidente so Coca-Cola and United Bananas Inc. can stay in business!” “Yes sir President sir!”
But nowadays, punishing failure is bad for business because it a) requires a clearly-defined strategy with clear goals, and b) if a general wants to succeed, he will want to get the war over as soon as possible, meaning less spending on war materiel.
So, how fucking weird is that? Not just corrupt or violent, but totally history-defying.