I’m going to Sochi, to give Putin a trophy
The crowd is all saluting for the way that he blows me
Homie sucks like a Flowbee , calluses is on both knees
He’s grody he’s lonely , wants to show me his goatse
Judges gave him a 9 – The deepest throat of the winter
But deducted one point, because my man is a spitter
“Don’t cum in my pot (russian for mouth)” is what he always said
So I gave him an “instant Gorbachyev”
She was Head of state but still couldn’t get a date
Then she had the bright idea to repress the gays
All the competition was locked in a cell
Now Miss Vladimir has all the cock to herself
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
(we don’t love them tricks!)
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
(talking about my penis!)
she wants to see What is lurkin’ all up under my merkin
Don’ t got a pussy riot but I got a boner disturbance
I unholster the serpent ,she grab a hold and start jerkin
Putin’s moaning and flirtin -bitch bend over and start twerkin
I put a whole lot of work i, now I’m hosin I’m squirtin
I’m wreckin that rectum; reckon it’s over its curtains
Now will you go put a shirt on? Better go see a surgeon
’cause that aperture looks like it’s totally hurtin
Putin said “Nyet,” Drank the load and kept slurping
I was nuttin and bussin so hard she got a concussion
she drank it all up, just like a White Russian
Olympics is nothing, but graft and corruption
50 billion in taxes For roads that don’t function
Hotel over the budget, but still under construction
where’d the money go, I don’t know, Go ask Snowden or something!
The commode isn’t flushing, the ceremony disgusting:
Just a unicycle bear eating moldy old Funnyuns
Meanwhile people so bumming , they’re selling manhole for cash
That’s not a gay joke, They sell the covers for scrap
Just to feed all their children, cause their taxes was tapped
By the evilest villains ,they’re stealing them billions
And they’re building new prisons For the gays and the Chechens
For athletes that is protesting Journalists who ask questions
Want to do to them What you did to Circassians!
Distractin’ attention onto stranger s and scapegoats so
embracin the church and blame it all on the rainbow
Now gay bashin is in fashion with the national pride
While you’re robbing them blind and slashing their rights
Cameras in the pipes, there’s spies in the showers
Surveiling the boners, just in case one is homo
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
you’re an anti-gay bigot , just because you aint felt my dick yet.
Cold getting indignant, because your manhood is a figment
You got a scandalous pickle, far from a hammer and sickle
Hung like the smallest matroshka With one damaged testicle.
Put away and belay that shit, it’s absurd and and irrational
I’m gay and persuasive, like the third international
Homos you were hating now you’re connecting my dong to lips
Get busy like Tatlin, and start erecting my monument.
I was pumping like Gazprom I’m hung like a mastodon .
With a latex bra and some colorful Pampers on
He played my dick and balls like a triathalon
I gave him a medal for choad guzzling brain work
He got the silver I got the gold cause I came first.
Then snuck with his blue bucket his ducats and his vodka
Dosvidanya, don’t say I didn’t warn ya
There’s a chance of crabs or perhaps a rash on your pee-pee
just spray it with Febreeze, thanks for the meat sleeve.
By the way I’m havin’ this Yacov Smirnov CD.
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
Something he said to me one day, something he said to me . .. !
“I practice butthole surfing every day, I’ma win it!”
“But Vladimir, that’s not even in the Olympics!”
Man fuck them old limp-dicks, The sponsors is pimping
The athletes is whoring while The contractor’s grifting
Meanwhile the IOC, profits from the bribery
Just for saying that, the FSB uhhhh they opened a file on me
Plus they got Rule 50, shut you up in a jiffy
You can get black-listed if you raise a black fist up
Plus your medals get ripped up, politics is forbidden
That’s why nobody’s cheering when their country is winning.
The whole façade is Potemkin Just a cog in the system
So ignore the gay-bashing Just say your sponsor’s terrific
But if you try to address it You might get arrested
Free speech is for hooligans And gays all molest kids
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK
Pass the Johnson quit hoggin it , Face first like tobogganist
She suck like an octopus ,on the root like a botanist
every body in Moscow is , stretching out that esophagous
speed this line up, it’s getting monotonous
hosing disposing and deep throating a lotta jizz
two gallons o cum ! just like 2001,
you want that big black monolith, right where your tonsils is
the breakfast of champions word to Kurt Vonnegut
keep it Kandinsky, yo you’re keeping it Communist
you want that Red Wedge all up in your naughty bits
so deep that it hurts you Deeper still it converts you
Now you’re trickin in red square In a wig and a girdle
Vladimir had a rear that was queer and so versatile
It was reversible, more tricks than a circus do
he knows I’m an ass-man, so he’s wearing those chap-pants,
in the club for a lap-dance, get more butts than an ash-can
Caught on the dash-cam giving head in a Lada
Called it Vlad TV, now it’s a headline on Pravda
And it ain’t kompromat, it’s more of a compliment
5 kopeks a load: She’s the Moscow Laundromat,
Pay me the rubles, and you can pound that ass Round town her
name is The Louge because she go down so fast
And it aint cool runnings More like Dudes Cumming
Cus when Putin’s in effect yo you can wreck it for nothing
SOCHI AINT SHIT
VLAD GET THE DICK4 comments
Recently, there’s been a lot of hand-wringing about how the media makes everybody polarized, gets everyone riled up and ready to have a heart attack, treats politics like some retarded sports event, stirs up controversy out of little things while ignoring huge systemic problems which affect ALL Americans, regardless of party affiliation, breeds paranoia, fear-mongering, and hysterical hype.
I think those accusations are really unfair.
The media has, all along, been doing their best to CALM EVERYONE THE FUCK DOWN, and make us all MELLOW AND UPBEAT. The problem is the fucking VIEWERS. The whole time, we’ve been watching THE WRONG CHANNELS. THAT’s why people are so angry and fearful and unable to cooperate.
See, what I figured out is, the whole time liberals were supposed to watch FOX. It’s not a conservative network, it’s a liberal network with really poor self-awareness. If a liberal watches Fox an hour a day, they’ll say:
“Gee whiz! America is turning into a socialist paradise where the rich are punished for success? Athiests run the government? The eco-fascist EPA is still allowed to ban job-creating toxic waste, while Minorities control who gets to vote? Jackbooted Government thugs are seizing our Christmas trees and giving them to Rappers? The UN is coming to take away all the guns AND Oakleys? Feminiazis destroyed the career of yet another athlete, while the Politically Correct Police are forcing school-kids to read Emma Goldman-Angela Davis slash fiction with my tax dollars? Illegal immigrants getting gay married to abortions is not only legal but mandatory in 57 states? The President is a wimp who won’t fight in Syria or Iran? Fuck yeah, kid! Finally an America I can be proud of! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!”
Likewise, all along the conservatives should have been watching Rachel Maddow and Amy Goodman :
“Holy cow! The NRA can overrule policies that 90% of Americans support! The Republicans can filibuster un-controversial non-partisan bills in order to extort Democrats ! Tiny Southern states with 1/70th the population of big Democratic states still get just as many votes in the Senate! Wall Street guys can buy, trade, and sell politicians and regulators like so many Magic the Gathering cards! There’s a war on women, cops kill minorities for no reason, and the President is actually to the right of Bush on national security, corporate bailouts, and secrecy! Golly, I had no idea the American Dream was so alive and well! I take back all the Obama-slash-Joker-slash-Hitler posters I ever made! U-S-A! U-S-A! ”
See, all along the media was trying to bring us together in a spirit of optimism and relaxation, but we were just too stupid to see it.
Here is an amazing thing about History: For all of recorded history, generals had to win wars. Wild! It didn’t matter if you were fighting for a “good guy” (Chirchill, Caesar) or a “bad guy” – Stalin, Ghenghis Khan. . . if you lost the war, or even if you catastrophically fucked up a battle, you were ASS OUT. Monarchists, fascists, communists, no-ideology-havin’-ass banana-republic dictators all agree on one thing: generals should know how to win.
Fast-forward to America, after WWII. The sole remaining superpower after Russia said “fuck it.” The biggest military in the world, no other super-powers in sight, yet, check our track record:
Grenada: won, but what the fuck. Even getting in a fight with grenada makes us seem weak. It’s like if Jay-Z had to answer-rap every Youtube rapper who dissed him.
Panama: That wasn’t even a war – that was just us setting the Guiness World record for “Largest-scale Drug Deal Gone Wrong.”
Iraq: we actually won that one in the ‘90s, but inexplicably decided on a do-over, (When was the last time that the WINNER demanded a do-over?!? ) Which we proceeded to lose. I mean, if China is getting the oil, we lost, right?
So, to sum up: despite the huge increase in our arms spending, we haven’t unambiguously won a single major war since WWII.
And yet: HOW MANY GENERALS HAVE BEEN FIRED? Sure, if you stick your penis into a reporter, your ass is grass, but FIRED FOR FAILING TO WIN? That’s way too uptight, man. Mellow out!
Not only are we failing to fire generals, we are making more generals! The generals-to-privates ratio today is FIVE TIMES what it was at the end of WWII.
And our pentagon budget has never been bigger.
So, the amazing thing about History: for the first time in ever, we are REWARDING GENERALS FOR FAILURE.
It gets weirder!
The major lesson we seemed to have learned from Vietnam and Korea was not “here is how to win” or even “here is how to not get your ass kicked by people so poor their shoes are made of cut-up car tires”, the major lesson seems to be: HERE IS HOW TO STRUCTURE THE MISSION SO THAT NO ONE INCLUDING THE GENERALS HAS ANY IDEA OF WHAT WINNING OR LOSING MIGHT EVEN LOOK LIKE.
All of our recent, post 9/11 wars have been more and more vague:
Iraq, as I mentioned before, was pretty clearly a loss from Saddam’s perspective. But – unlike our occupations of West Germany and Japan – we left the country in much worse shape, they fucking hate us, and we were so desperate to get out of there that we had Iran pre-approve our puppet leader, just to make sure he’d last more than a week. But was that a failure? Hard to say, but only because THE ARMY NEVER HAD ANY ENDING POINT TO THE MISSION IN THE FIRST PLACE. Because they are dumb? No, because they are SMART: if you don’t have a goal, no one can say you failed!
Afghanistan is like that but worse – it’s not so much that we’re failing, as it is we have no idea what success IS. Ask a dozen civilian or military leaders and receive a dozen different answers! The people sending our kids off to fight are whimsically throwing out random endgames as if they were Willy Wonka: defeating the Taliban? re-making Afghanistan as a democratic country with a new political system? re-making Afghanistan’s culture into some secular, feminist, non-violent, revenge-hating, gay-porn-Disneyland-and-macdonald’s-loving utopia? Killing the bad guys, plus enough innocent civilians to generate an equal amount of new bad guys, forever? Take your pick! The only real common point of these non-answers is: IT DOESN’T MATTER.
And of course the war on Terror is the most vague of all : a world-wide, on-purpose-endless, struggle against a fucking IDEA. A battle where Americans are targets, where even the tactics and weapons are secret.
Now maybe you’re saying “The army doesn’t decide what the goals of a war is, you stupid hippy! The civilian leaders do! Learn basic facts before you start having an opinion!”
Yes, civilians ARE to blame – but not the ones you’re thinking of.
Here’s where I blow your mind: These unprecedented trends (rewarding failure, endless-and-unwinnable-missions) . . .are not IN SPITE OF us having the biggest military in the world, they’re BECAUSE OF that very thing.
I’m talking about the fuckin’ Military-Industrial Complex! How do you THINK we got the biggest army? It’s because we have the biggest, richest, most influential arms-manufacturing companies on the planet : The arms manufacturers, who have generals, senators, and cabinet secretaries all begging for their contributions/ post-retirement lobbying jobs.
Our soldiers definitely want to win (or at least survive), and the enemy definitely wants to win (or at least get us to leave). . . the only fucking people involved in the whole war who can afford to have a “MEH” attitude are . . . the arms manufacturers!
Because they make money whether we’re winning OR losing: if we’re winning, that means that their weapons are The Best, so everyone in the world will want to buy more of those weapons. If we’re losing, that means that Our Boys Are In Trouble, so the army had better order more munitions to help ‘em out!
I think the recent trend in no-end-in-sight vague-ass missions is directly related to the growth of the defense industry’s lobbying power. The defense companies don’t just make the bombs and shit, they are influencing whether and HOW we go to war: the more vague the mission, the longer we can drag it out, the more money we spend.
Ever since Eisenhower gave his famous speech, people have been aware that arms merchants push us to start wars, but for the first time it’s to the point where they push us to on-purpose STALEMATES, where they push for nebulous missions where there is no winning OR losing, just endless fighting! In a perfect war economy, we create exactly one terrorist for each one we kill, resulting in a steady and predictable quarterly earnings report for the share-holders.
Thought experiment: imagine a country in a life-or-death fight for survival. You’d expect them to really punish generals that consistently lose battles, or fight to a draw. But imagine a country run by arms merchants, and you’d expect them to have a much more laid-back, “Meh?” attitude towards military competence. Which scenario better describes modern-day America?
And it’s no coincidence that these new-school, funny-style wars (all 3 of them) had their open-ended, never-ending, and world-record-in-history-setting-ly vague strategies developed by Rumsfeld and Cheney, who both profited from the international arms business prior to working in government. (and after, too, in Cheney’s case)
Rumsfeld never worked in the arms industry but – as secretary of defense, he held enough stock In arms companies that it was a scandal and he had to sell the stock. Also he was chairman of a think-tank called “Rand Corporation”, which according to Wikipedia was founded by Douglas Aircraft, (later becoming Maconnell Douglas), a major major huge defense contractor. So there’s that.
And of course Cheney. The guy who continued to get fucking “deferred compensation” from arms manufacturers even while in office. The guy whose fucking WIFE sold warplanes and bombers (while criticizing rappers for violent lyrics). She also had to quit her arms-dealing when he became VP (to avoid conflict of interest). But luckily, she had ANOTHER job offer in 2002 – being on the board of the American Enterprise Institute, which *surprise!* pushed hard for the Iraq war, which made a shit-ton of money for her former employers. So! Having a JOB at Locheed while your husband decides whether or not to go to war: conflict! Having a job at a THINK TANK which is chock full of OTHER retired defense contractors, where you cheerlead for war, while your husband decides whether or not to go to war: NOT conflict of interest. No corruption at all! And THAT’S why we never went to war in Iraq. Because that would have been a disaster!
Also it’s no coincidence that we get no-end-in-sight wars soon after we lost the Russian threat: I know I’m not the first to say the Russian threat was exaggerated in order to boost profits – I’m saying that the Cold War was profitable in exactly the same WAY that the War on Terror is: it had NO exit strategy, and a HUGE amount of “Just in case” spending, . . . a reliable year-in-year-out source of income. (“Just in case” spending would be like, Star Wars SDI, or all those nukes . . .or in today’s case, all the what-if-terrorists-bomb-a-small-town-in-Nebraska Homeland Security spending. As opposed to, say, old-style wars like WWII or Korea. There was no “just in case” – those were full-on fucking wars , we were struggling just to keep up with demand for materiel).
I’m not going to suggest that there was some Illuminati-style secret meeting with tented fingers and hisses of, “Exxxxxxxcellent!”
I’m just saying that arms manufacturers can INFLUENCE the way we fight wars even if they don’t do it ON PURPOSE. Check it out: a) everyone involved in planning strategy and exit strategies for conflicts – the army generals and civilian leaders – are beholden to these companies, b) this leads to a lot of excess spending, as the corporations use their political/military influence to bribe generals/legislators and c) because of excess military spending, America has the LUXURY of getting in random wars-of-choice for decades on end. That was never an OPTION before, for ANY country.
Picture the civilian leaders giving generals such open-ended vague missions 50 years ago! That would not have even occurred to anybody! because back then it was still like, “if you don’t have an unambiguous victory, your ass is grass.” Even back when we were being imperialists in Latin America, we still demanded clear-cut missions ,and success at those missions. “Overthrow that democratically-elected Presidente so Coca-Cola and United Bananas Inc. can stay in business!” “Yes sir President sir!”
But nowadays, punishing failure is bad for business because it a) requires a clearly-defined strategy with clear goals, and b) if a general wants to succeed, he will want to get the war over as soon as possible, meaning less spending on war materiel.
So, how fucking weird is that? Not just corrupt or violent, but totally history-defying.
1 Metallica – kill em all
2 Slayer – reign in blood
3 Blind illusion – sane asylum
4 Slayer – show no mercy
5 Metallica – and justice
6 Destruction – Infernal overkill
7 Slayer – haunting the chapel
8 Metallica – master of puppets
9 Vio-lence – oppressing the masses
10 Exodus – bonded by blood
11 Excel – split image
12 Crumbsuckers – beast on my back
13 Possessed – seven churches
14 Toxik – think this
15 Mekong delta – st/
Coroner mental vortex (tie)1 comment
Today’s phrase is SUPPLY CHAIN. That’s the chain of all the companies involved in turning a raw material into a finished product you buy in the store. For instance, with a T-shirt, the chain starts with the cotton grower, then the next company in the chain is the factory that turns cotton into yarn, then another outfit that weaves the yarn into fabric, then a business that sews the fabric into shirts, and maybe still another joint where it’s silkscreened or colored, then finally to the store. Plus, you know, all the boats and trucks and forklifts and warehouses needed to make it all happen.
SUPPLY CHAIN. And for any given supply chain, there’s always one company that is making all the profits, and all the other companies are just barely getting by. But here’s the problem: the fat-cat, the exploiter, is at a different point in the chain in every industry. You can’t guess who it is.
We need a branch of Economics that looks at everyday products, and every point in the supply chain for those products. We need economic DETECTIVES to tell us WHICH business in any given supply chain is putting the squeeze on, and HOW they do it.
Because, absent such a corps of economic detectives, every business in the chain is going to claim, “WE know prices are too high, and our wages are too low, and the factory is about to burst into flames, but we have SUCH A SMALL MARGIN it is SO HARD, really the culprits are FURTHER UP THE SUPPLY CHAIN not us!!”
So if the science of economics was really about helping people and making society more efficient. . . .you’d think a top priority for economists would be to fucking weed through the bullshit and expose where in the supply chain the fucking squeeze and fat profits REALLY ARE. And expose HOW they do it – by monopoly? By government interference and over-regulation? By with-holding supply? By over-producing supply? By criminal conspiracy? There’s probably as many ways of bottlenecking a supply chain as there are supply chains.
And I mean do this for EVERYTHING. Cars, shoelaces, Frisbees, corn syrup, dildos, thumb drives, Viewmasters, Enya CDs, fucking EVERYTHING. For every product. That would keep economists busy for like 100 years, dude. Not only will it help consumers and laborers, but it would also keep the economists out of trouble. They’d have no time to gin up new fig leafs for the fucking oligarchy. No time to make modern-day social-darwinist theories of how rich people are awesome and got there fair and square. No time to research how to make Wall Street derivatives “safer” and “faster” and “more innovative”. No time to lobby congress or the Fed to deregulate more.
But I digress.
Plus I would be genuinely interested to see if, once you started getting comprehensive results from 1000 or so supply chains , from t-shirts to blenders to computer chips to asprin to stuffed animals to software. . . . I would be interested to see if there were any common points to where the squeeze is. Like any generalizations that could be made?
But that would require economics to actually be a science in pursuit of truth. Hey! I’ve just wasted my time AND yours!1 comment
OLD PEOPLE UNDER A BUS
If you’re an American, ever since you were a little kid you’ve heard the phrases “political suicide” and “the old people” side by side. Anytime you’d ask why the politicians don’t do some obviously sensible helpful thing, people would tell you, “it’s political suicide! Because of the old people!” Legalizing pot? Old people say no. skateboarding in public? Old people say no! Immigration rights and affirmative action and gay rights? Political suicide! Old people say no! More tax for schools? Old people say no! Their kids are already grown, and the new kids are the wrong color! The only things they say “yes” to are: old-ass politicians like Reagan and Bush Sr. and insane anti-tax laws like Proposition 13 (AKA The Law So Retarded It Broke California For Thirty Damn Years).
In other words, The Olds are Republicans. And now the Republicans have thrown the Olds under the bus! Social security and medicare? We need to get rid of those, so we can pay back China for all the money we used to bail out bankers! Don’t worry though – we’re PRIVATIZING social security! You can use that money to gamble on the stock market with the Wall Street Bank of your choice . . . after all, SOMEONE’S got to get fucked in the next boom/bust cycle.
Now I’ll really be sorry when I need social security/medicare and it’s not longer there. . . which isn’t that long from now. . . but yo. Until I turn 64, I’ll laugh my ass off at these spittle-flecked hateful elders that voted in all the most heartless bastards, year after year after year, and finally they wake up one day and find that the heartless bastards are throwing them under the bus:
Here is every politician who ever took a dime from a TBTF bank: “Thanks for all the votes, you wrinkle-body hate-sacs! Hey by the way, as long as you hate leeches and takers, let’s cut you off your pensions. Didn’t you know? Those are “entitlements” now. Hey, Greatest Generation, multi-pruple-heart Iwo Jima guy! You’re the new welfare queens! Did you know that? Can you even hear me with your giant, antiquated UNIVAC-era hearing aids? Yeah, yeah, it’s political suicide for me to cut you off your entitlements. Maybe it is. . . IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO VOTE AGAIN! Which, since we’re also going to cut your health-care, you won’t! and even if you somehow show up, our strict new voter ID laws will disqualify half of you!”
“But I thought you were just going to mess with the minorities, the gays, the immigrants, the returning veterans, the kids, the dopers, the poors, and the United Nations! BUT ME? YOU’RE MESSING WITH ME? HOW COULD I HAVE FORSEEN THAT?!”
It’s like all those gangsta rappers who complain that their drug-lord-run record label cheated them out of money: “Murder Violence Entertainment! How COULD you?!?” “Oh, Death Sentence For Serial Decapitation Records, who would have thought that your accounting practices were less than rigorous! THE GAME IS FUCKED UP MAN!! *sniffles into ketchief*”
This is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise fascist and depressing race-to-the-bottom era. All these years we were told “it’s political suicide to cross the olds!” Well, now because of politics, the olds are gonna commit suicide! Here’s why: they are already feeble, afraid of change, their brains full of mildew and talk-radio. . . and now their whole world has just been turned inside-out!
“Hey, buddy: the party you’ve been loyal to for decades, the party that pumped you full of fear and hate and anger the same way your IV pumps you full of saline, they’re the ones screwing you, and the evil muslim-commie Demoncrats are the only ones who still want to keep your entitlements.”
(Although to be fair, Obama has publicly stated that he is willing to help the Republicans destroy them!).
I think there should be a whole Youtube channel just devoted solely to close-ups of the faces of old people who are trying to process the information.
Instant strokes. Hip joints spontaneously popping out of sockets. Dentures flying across the room and embedding themselves inside O’reilly’s face on TV.
Fuck that, there should be a pill!
A special pill designed to help their mind and body withstand the complete reversal of their reality. Something that will keep their heart rate normal, and possibly a little LSD to help the reality-shift go down easier. I swear, if you want to be a billionaire (pretty much the only way for YOU to survive old age without any “entitlements”), the fastest way is to invent that pill, or invest all your $$$ in the first company that DOES. Because that pill will literally be a life-and-death necessity for an entire generation. Invest now in R&D before the next election! And hope to god they develop it before the politicians also cut medicare.
Been thinking about authenticity. Say it’s 2014 and you want to really get down with your favorite subculture – say, do some authentic Dada art or start a ‘80s hardcore band. Why is that so hard? People who imitate literally – even if they are sincere and get all the right equipment and have really sweet riffs . . . it isn’t quite right, is it? What’s missing is RELEVANCE and THREAT TO SOCIETY. Dada or HxC isn’t relevant or threatening in 2014 – which of course is different than saying it isn’t still good or it was “just a trend” or etc.
Just saying that literal imitation is always going to miss the vitality of the original. Why? The reason you love your favorite band is NOT THE BAND ITSELF – it’s the band IN THE CONTEXT OF A MOVEMENT OF OTHER BANDS. Or artists, or whatever. The originals – whether it’s art, film, skateboarding, music or whatever – took place in a new scene that was rapidly EVOLVING, with each new band/artist/skater/whatever constantly going beyond, in a spirit of friendly but fierce competition. If you’re trying to be ‘authentic’ 10 or even 2 years later, it doesn’t matter how good your band is, if the band isn’t still in the context of that ‘scene’ . .
It’s the whole scene that creates the vitality, the momentum, that unique feeling when a bunch of kids discover a new world where anything seems possible. Doing it later . .. It’s like watching a movie where you already know the end. The revolution didn’t happen. Pop music was not destroyed. The main guys turned into junkies and ripped off their best friends. You know the limits of it, and knowing the limits is enough to make it not relevant. There’s no suspense, no sense of rapid expansion of teenage freedom, no sense of building a new world, which gave that music its radness.
. .. there’s a contradiction: at the time to be ‘authentic’ was to be evolving, but if you’re evolving then you don’t sound like the bands that you like. To be ‘authentic’ you have to be competing directly against the heavyweights of the original time, but if those heavyweights have either broken up, changed styles, or become huge stars, you don’t have the same scene, so the music can’t be authentic. I guess Is why the whole “re-thrash” boom, even though the bands were sincere and enthusiastic, sounded so much like a homework assignment from history class.
But ok! Let’s back up! So far we’ve only been talking about LITERAL imitation. There’s a whole nother WORLD of imitation just waiting to be explored . . . even if I’m the only one who is repping it. Imitation by ANALOGY.
This idea (imitation by analogy) could apply to ANY retro thing – movies, fine art, yodeling, etc – but just for an easy example I’m going to talk about ‘70s punk.
If you ignore the music, clothes, and lyrics, of ‘70s punk, and focus instead on the EFFECTS IT HAD ON THE WORLD AROUND IT, focus instead on what made it RELEVANT and THREATENING, then we should be able to, by ANALOGY, figure out what authentic punk would/should sound like today in 2014.
Start with the PERFORMANCE. Even if you’re a veteran band with all – original members, no legal disputes, total OG credibility, fresh out of rehab and playing with all the stamina you ever had, only playing songs from the first album . . even then! . . .if your audience is old farts who don’t dance, and young kids who spend the whole show holding iphones aloft, it’s not relevant, it’s meaningless, because you’re not having the same EFFECT.
Punk shows would result in the theater being destroyed, 29 cop cars pulling up and beating up kids, cop car windows getting smashed, vast amounts of graffiti being sprayed by kids all the way home, and people starting their own bands, vowing to out-do their idols.
Therefore, punk PERFORMANCE in 2014 would have to get people –and cops – that worked up.
I have no fucking idea what it would sound like – I can’t even begin to guess, nor should I! because I’m fucking old. I just know how to tell if something is authentic or not- it’ll result in riots, graffiti, destroyed venues and tons of new bands vowing to take the same sound/performance even further out.
Another thing: REACTIONS. If you were a punk in the ‘70s, you could count on random strangers – jocks, rednecks, cholos, security guards, can’t forget skinheads – just trying to kick your ass for no reason, on a daily basis. That was what weeded out the weaklings. You had to be willing to take risk in order to be down, with no real reward. No money, no internet fame, no compliments from the critics or trendy people. But they did it because they were so totally isolated and fucked up and just stubborn that they had no place else to go.
So, as you can guess by now, the question is, “what would authentic punk look like in 2014?”
Again, I have no idea! They’d look some way that would get them jumped by random people! What that might be I can’t imagine. Earlier punks sometimes tempered their shock value with political statements – torn up flags or god-save-the-queen underpants worn outside the regular pants, and a sort of gross androgyny. But who knows if that would cause a reaction anymore?
My point is, you can SOUND and LOOK authentic but it won’t be relevant. Or you can BEHAVE authentically – which is to say, relevant and threatening – but in that case, you won’t look or sound like punk, or like anything else, for that matter.
But you can’t ever do both at the same time! It’s like the rug that’s too small for the room. Whenever you drag it to one corner, you expose the opposite corner.
Related point: scenes (again, art, dance, film, literature, etc) generally start by taking a variety of obscure influences and combing them in a different way – usually you’d have, say, 3 or 4 main artists which each of them had vastly different influences but they all had one or two commonly shared new things (called a zeitgeist) that bound it together. So scenes start out being outward looking. And the constant social threat/ conflict with the outside world just adds to that: you have to pay attention to the world because you never know when it’s going to sucker-punch you, and you take that anger and energy and use it to power the music.
So that makes the scene relevant. And being relevant, it blows up. And , by blowing up, it generates a bunch of zines and radio shows and assorted middlemen who make it their business to nail down the rules. People just listen to the same 4 big bands, and forget about all the diverse old bands that all influenced their favorite bands. They just concentrate on copying their favorite bands exactly, to please the new class of gate-keepers.
Meanwhile as time goes on, and the evolution slows down, and the popularity increases, it becomes more normal and less threatening, and so people can afford to pay less attention to the outside world. They get less anger and energy from the outside, and spend more and more time in their little artificial world where they are pandered to and told they’re rad.
In other words, all scenes go from OUTWARD LOOKING to INWARD LOOKING. They become victims of their own success. And after you’re inward looking, the last stage is to fragment into a million micro-genres in a futile effort to convince yourself that things are not stagnant and irrelevant.
The end!No comments
Naomi Klein-type people are fond of saying that “austerity” (i.e. cutting social security, medicare, welfare, food stamps, etc.) is just an example of what U.S./Europe did to 3d world countries in the ‘80s and ‘90s, come back to bite us in the ass. According to this theory, Western-controlled organizations like the WTO, World Bank, and the IMF “practiced” screwing the common people in debt-ridden poor countries around the world, and once they’d “perfected” their methods, those same methods are now being brought home to the rich countries, and used on US. And that’s why Chicago had to sell their parking meters to Arabs, why New Jersey tried to sell the Turnpike, and why Congress cut food stamps for unemployed people at Christmas.
I’m all for this theory! But it seems to me that “austerity” is just one of A DOZEN damn awful things that are all moving from the periphery of our global empire to the heartland. At the same time. A DOZEN things that were invented or perfected at certain borderlines, and now are being brought to bear on the same regular American jerkoffs who kept voting for those policies to be applied to marginal folks.
I suppose you could say that this traditional German poem already called it:
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn’t a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
But actually not really. All the victims in that poem were all people in the middle of German society. The people that the USA government is “coming for” are mostly at the physical borders of our country, and the rollback of human rights is sort of physically, literally creeping in and converging on Kansas.
If anything, USA’s current situation is more like Japan in the ‘30s, as described in Mark Driscoll’s excellent book, ABSOLUTE EROTIC, ABSOLUTE GROTESQUE: Japan’s international sex and drug trade, and gangster-driven administration . . . that all started in their Asian colonies in the ‘20s and ‘30s. And then all the corruption became entrenched in Tokyo politics as WWII started, giving birth to both a mafia-style corrupt and violent political sphere, as well as a very decadent, erotic grotesque, burlesque pop culture.
So let’s look systematically at all the corruption pouring into mainland America from our various borders:
1) AUSTERITY. Already discussed.
2) WAR. Techniques that started in wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are now being used at home: The militarization of our police forces (military-grade vehicles and tactical weapons given to small-town Ohio police forces just in case Al Quaeda decides to blow up a strategic Hardee’s), drones over America, and the designation of American citizens as “enemy combatants” who can get sent to Gitmo or even assassinated without even being accused of a specific crime. . .
3) COUNTER-TERRORISM. In the past, the government would only search you for contraband at the border or airport. But in 2013, Homeland Security declared they had the right to stop traffic at random checkpoints and search all vehicles with no probable cause. . .WITHIN 100 MILES OF THE BORDER. This is literally the creeping-from-the-periphery-to-the-center that I’m talking about.
Also, the CIA (who, remember, is supposed to spy on foreigners) is helping the NYC police spy on basically the entire Muslim population of NYC. Speaking of creeping over borders, the NYCIA decided to extend their spying into Jersey as well . . .without telling any Jersey law enforcement.
Also I guess we can throw in the whole NSA bulk data collection here. The original NSA phone-tap program was just spying on calls FROM foreigners TO foreigners. I.e. outside the border of America. But then things got complicated when, say, a call from France to Saudi Arabia was routed through a telecom hub in, say, New York. (apparently this is a thing that happens?) So the NSA started tapping foreign calls on American soil. Then they started tapping ALL the calls, because, hey, they already had the back-door in the NYC telecom router.
All this is justified by, “Hey, OK, that’s technically against the constitution, but it’s just for terrorism! We would never use that authority to help police in any other types of crimes, right?”
4) DRUG WAR. The drug war seems to be creeping in from a lot of different peripheries at once: at the physical borders, of course, where smuggling occurs, but also at the WAR periphery (see #2 above) for example, the militarization of our local police forces, and the physical drug wars we are fighting in Colombia, Mexico, etc. Like the anti-terror war, law enforcement seems able to bend the rules because the crime is seen as so dangerous. Then those precedents are used to justify new police powers to go after ALL crimes. For example, Civil asset forfeiture. No-knock raids. Joint Task Force 6, the only army unit allowed to go to war on Americans. Which I did not know until I googled “drug war civil rights” just now. All of these were originally just for drug lords. Then they were for any drug offender, or anybody in a ghetto or vario. Then they were basically for anyone, anywhere. A great example of periphery-creep is what is called PARALLEL CONSTRUCTION.
Let’s back up a second here: as anyone who watches cop tv shows knows, evidence is only admissible in court if the cops get it legitimately, i.e. with a warrant. And they’re required to show ALL their evidence to the defense, so the defense can maybe find something in the evidence that makes their client look less guilty. But apparently the NSA is showing their phone-taps to the drug police. The drug police can’t tell the judge or the prosecutor where they got the evidence – since the NSA is only supposed to spy on terrorists, not drug guys. So the cops do PARALLEL CONSTRUCTION: they fabricate a paper trail to supposedly show they got their evidence legally. For instance, the NSA illegally intercepts a phone call saying, “We will put drugs in a blue Mustang on freeway 101 at Tuesday night.” They tell the cops “pull over the blue mustang and tell the judge it was a totally random traffic stop or the mustang had a blinking tail light or it was just good luck.” So, first the NSA was ONLY supposed to use their spy powers for terror. They would never never ever spy on anything else. Now they’re openly using them for terror AND anti-drug stuff. But of course they would never never use that for anything besides terror or drugs. Or porn.
Actually this terror-to-drugs-to-everyday enforcement dealie is pretty common, you can use it on anything:
Airports. The “border exception” to civil rights. We’d only go into your pants and etc. with no probable cause to look for bombs. Well, as long as we’re doing it, we’ll look for drugs. Because drugs are used to finance terrorist groups. Well, as long as we’re looking for bombs and drugs. . . .
Ditto Homeland Security giving army surplus gear to small town cops. Just in case the Talibans invade Possum Ass, Arkansas! But as long as we got ‘em it would be a shame not to use ‘em. Let’s use ‘em on drug raids! Well, as long as they work so good on the drug raids, it would be ashame not to use ‘em on everything!
Also check out how this dealie is physically, literally a periphery-to-center thing: terror-to-drugs-to-anywhere = overseas-to-borderland-zone-to-middle-america.
5) PRISONS. As detailed in the book LOCKDOWN HIGH, technology developed for prisons (and even cattle farms!) is now being used in schools: tracking RFID cards attached to students, and metal detectors.
6) IMMIGRATION. Without any real notice in the mainstream papers, ol’ liberal Obama has been deporting record numbers of immigrants, more than Bush one or two, or any other president ever. Not only that, but the ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) has developed its own parallel justice system – they have their own cops, their own laws, their own courts, their own standards of evidence and who gets what rights while on trial, that is totally different than normal trials. They especially have their own jails, a gulag system spread throughout the USA the same way the CIA’s “black sites” are scattered throughout the world for the detention of possible terrorists. Also there is a thing where the Border Patrol will now shoot over the border, killing Mexicans for “throwing rocks”. Across the Rio Grande.
7) THE HOODS. OK, so ghettos and varios are not on physical borders, so that fucks up my metaphor here. But what happens in the hood is often like a midway point, where outside-of-America tactics (drug war, the war-war, the immigration police) are tried out in certain *ahem* parts of America, before being rolled out nationwide. They use the hoods to work the kinks out of the system. SWAT teams, no-knock raids, dog-shootings, surveillance cams, “just-in-case” helicopter flyovers, stop-and-frisk, etc. all first premiered in the hoods. Then spread to anywhere there was a suspicion of drugs (i.e. all the on-purpose disruptive search-light-happy copter flyovers in the Pacific Northwest, where entire towns were buzzed for days on end, because the cops thought that the locals weren’t being ‘cooperative’ enough in snitching on their pot-growing neighbors). And finally, the tactics are just used anywhere, anytime!
And this ‘hood’ stuff, inevitably, leads me to an important point: All the white kids that want to be ‘down’, that want to be ‘hood’ . . . well, you’re going to get your wish! Only it turns out that being ‘down’ doesn’t involve you owning giant spinnas or hella big-booty bitches or chilling in VIP with A$AP $murf. It turns out that being ‘down’ involves you getting thrown in jail because a license-plate scan showed a passing patrol car you owed a $50 library overdue fine! It turns out being ‘down’ involves being threatened with 20 years for a tiny bag of weed, then turned into an informant where you have to go hit up dangerous felons who you’ve never met, with no backup, no training, while wearing a wire. It turns out being ‘down’ means spending most of your life under surveillance cameras while your neighborhood is stripped of jobs and education opportunities! It means that you, too, can lose your house, fall victim to predatory landlords, while the government declares you a “taker” and a “bum” and strips you of unemployment benefits right when you need them the most. Rad! Have fun getting your student debt taken out of your paycheck for 30 years because regular banks REDLINED you and wouldn’t consider loaning you money to improve yourself!
Hey, white kids, isn’t it fun to be ‘down’? Don’t you worry about if you’re “official on the streetz” or if your “name rings out”, you’ll be getting plenty more hood in the years to come. Whether you like it or not! Because there’s no backing out now, kids! You’re just getting like a little 10% taste of what the government has been doing to the hood all along. And the other 90% is heading to a
trailer park suburb near you! Pretty soon you’ll be as ‘hood’ as it gets! You seemed to really enjoy all this when it was Black people talking about it in movies or mp3s . . .instead of protesting it, you’d do those funny hand-gestures in the shower! But now you get to participate! You’re welcome.
And the white kids’ white parents? Even more rad! The white parents that, for decades, have been voting again and again for the politicians that were getting tougher on third-world countries (those lazy natives needed debt restructuring! We’re doing them a favor!), that were getting tough on immigrants, arabs, “enemy combatants”, “threats to homeland security,” protestors, prisoners, minorities, and dopers? Hey! Guess what? Those politicians want a word with you, Mom and Dad!
“Thanks for the votes! Glad you liked us taking away habeas corpus, the fourth amendment, innocent-until-proven-guilty, and the right to privacy! Glad you approved of us fucking with everyone else in the dang Earth! And guess what? we saved some of that just for YOU! You seem to really like that stuff, so it would be a shame to waste it all on those douchebags – they’re not even grateful! Yeah, what’s that? You didn’t think we’d spy on YOU? Or stop YOUR car for no probable cause? HAHAHAAHAHA – you’re such a kidder! You LOVE that stuff! That’s why you always keep voting for us! Well since we’re so happy, we decided to let YOU have all the rest of it. Matter of fact, we have a LOT left over, even after the muslims, protestors, immigrants, potheads, and ‘inner city youth’. Oh man, you wouldn’t believe how much is left over. You could say we’ve been saving the best for last! And it’s all coming right for YOU! Just our way of saying, thanks for your support!”
So NOW Mom and Dad are joining a Tea Party and NOW the kids are turning down Tupac so they can go out and Occupy some shit, and everyone in the family – regardless of their politics – is SHOCKED that the government would treat people like this.
I mean, treat WHITE people like this.
Back in the ‘60s, you had to be a really big-time black Panther to even get the FBI to listen to your phone. Nowadays even some dental hygienist in Maryland named Abigail got a digital file 100 times thicker than Eldrige Fucking Cleaver. It used to be just cameras in “high crime” , uh, “urban” areas, but now everybody is getting watched via their cellphone’s GPS! NOW it’s a fucking outrage! Back in the day, you’d only get assassinated by the government if you were Malcom X or Fred Hampton, but now the freaking President is on TV saying ANY American can fucking well get DRONED. Now entire WHITE families are getting evicted, having their unemployment cut, having to choose between education and food, entire WHITE families are being forced to ‘assume the position’ over a fucking traffic ticket, Sure, NOW it’s a huge scandal! NOW it’s tyranny!
Some rapper needs to do a song with a chorus involving a really small fiddle and the phrase HOW’S THAT FEEL?
THE REVERSE POWELL MEMO
In the 30s, lefty politicians like Huey Long got popular, because Lefties of all walks of life had big ideas they could rally around (socialism! Populism!!) , and that solidarity allowed them to put pressure on mainstream politicians and demand substantial changes : FDR had the New Deal, and LBJ had the Great Society, and even Nixon started the Environmental Protection Agency , started Earth Day, and strengthened welfare.
And then to fight back, the big-business types circulated the Powell Memo. They didn’t have the numbers, but they had their own, big, unifying idea they could all rally round. (neoliberalism! Deregulation!).
But ever since Reagan got elected in 1980, liberals have been playing defense, trying to preserve the shreds and tatters of government programs while conservatives – on the other hand – keep moving the goal posts more to the right. The conservatives keep dreaming bigger and bigger, they’re demanding things that would have been political suicide even in Reagan’s time.
Sure, the Right is better funded and organized, but maybe the main problem with the Left is BEING ON THE DEFENSIVE IS NO FUCKING FUN. It’s hard to get motivated to march for SLIGHTLY LESS SHITTY! Or to demonstrate for COULD YOU CUT THE FUNDING A LITTLE LESS THAN YOU WERE PLANNING TO CUT THE FUNDING? It’s hard to organize a huge door-to-door campaign to raise awareness of MAYBE YOUR POVERTY IS NOT 100% YOUR FAULT FOR SHITTY DECISIONS YOU MADE. It’s hard to get people to volunteer their time and money for TRY TO RAPE SLIGHTLY LESS THAN 28,000 OF OUR OWN DAMN SOLDIERS THIS YEAR.
Frustrated 99-percenter types of today lack the unifying big ideas AND the money of the Old Left and Big Business. But what if there was a way to turn tour disorganization into an advantage?
What we lack in big, unifying ideas, we can make up for that in sheer numbers of daffy, unique, individual UTOPIAS. I’m talking about how a “homebrew utopia movement” should become A Real Thing. As much as I gripe about it, The internet is actually a huge help in this : just look at how many insane or stupid ideas not only get famous but spontaneously create communities, where people who (pre ‘net) would have persued their hobby in shameful solitude, actually compete with one another to see who can get the most far-out with it!
A “homebrew utopia” movement – where everyday people dream up alternative societies the same way they now write fan-fiction, youtube diaries, fantasy-football – could be like a giant game where people compete to see how many of our society’s unspoken assumptions they can discover, expose to the light of day . .. and then think of alternative societies based on DIFFERENT assumptions. Put another way, how many sacred cows they can fillet!
HOMEBREW UTOPIA MOVEMENT
The point is: overwhelm fuckers with diversity. I’m not seriously saying one single utopia will become a huge movement (which itself is a way-too-utopian plan!) . My plan calls for SUCCESS THROUGH FAILURE. Let me show you how:
The more different utopias people come up with, the smaller and blander it makes the dem-repub consensus look: “Oh you think Obama is crazy? Well get a load of THIS guy!”
Even if people don’t agree with any given utopia (by their very extreme all-encompassing nature, utopias are pretty hard sell to begin with!) . . .it’ll get people off the defensive and onto the offensive.
It’ll also get regular people to realize “Hey, did you see that jackass on the internet with his crazy commie/nazi/feminazi/asexaual/extraterrestrial fantasy? That utopia is ridiculous because it goes against this basic assumption of society . . .hey! I never realized we were all making that assumption. Which means even though THAT utopia was bullshit, means there must be OTHER assumptions, other ways to do a society. Hmm, maybe I should do my OWN utopia just for fun!”
Like I said, the Overwhelm With Diversity works to the advantage of a populace without money, political power, or a coherent ideology:
It costs nothing to threaten the Man’s assumptions of how society should be run, and cops can’t stop it, since it runs totally outside the definition of “protest”. If you can’t overthrow the System, overthrow the assumptions that legitimate the system!
GO ON THE OFFENSIVE IN THE WAR OF IDEAS.
Get your utopia on! Don’t worry about if it’s politically feasible or if it would even work if you could implement it. Just get thousands of ideas out there, listen to other peoples’ ideas.
The irrationality is actually a PLUS. It’s one of the few good ideas the hippies had: if you’re fighting a system of rigid bureaucracy, efficiency, robotic rationality and soul-killing tradition, fight back with surrealism and irrationality.
The point is not that any one crazy idea will save us – the point is to destroy the decades-long and well-coordinated-at-all-levels-of-media-government-and-business PR campaign to convince us that wall-street casino capitalism, and race-to-the-bottom globalism is the only possible way to run an economy.
The point is to teach us how to go hog-wild, rather than to beg for a slight increase in funding for some social program which has been cut by 90%.
The point is to go on the offense again.
The point is to re-start our collective imaginations, which have been beat to shit, not by mind-numbing TV, not even by the internet, but our imaginations got beat to shit by decades of sullen grumbling about right-wingers’ steady progress. By decades of allowing the other side to dictate the terms of the battle.
(also remember: at the height of the liberal, big-government, help-the-poor and regulate-the-polluters ‘70s, all the Powell Memo ideas must have seemed totally un-doable, impractical, or downright silly. But now those ideas are basically the norm.)
Put the burden of proof on The Man to explain why the economy SHOULD grow, why banks SHOULD be allowed to make money, why people SHOULD work longer hours even though machines allow one worker to do the productivity of ten workers, (and even though since the 60s the worker has not been paid in proportion to her rising productivity!)
THE MOST POWERFUL IMPEDIMENTS TO CHANGE ARE BELIEFS THAT WE DON’T EVEN REALIZE THAT WE HAVE
We have big disagreements in politics – but only about stuff that one faction dislikes. But what about the 90% of stuff that both factions like? What about all the assumptions that are so ingrained, people don’t even see them, like how fish don’t know what water is?
For instance, the assumption that “economies must always grow bigger and bigger, every year, forever,” seems obviously wrong now – the planet has finite resources, duh! But back in the 50s, even bitter enemies like the US and the USSR were in agreement about the inevitability of infinite growth (think of all those Great Leaps Forward!). To be precise, they were BEYOND agreeing – It was so obvious it didn’t need to even be articulated, (you have to articulate something for anyone to agree with it)
Anyway, it goes to show how quickly such bedrock assumptions can turn into obvious falsehoods. All it takes is saying it out loud. “everyone can make more of everything every year without ever running out of raw materials or energy!” derrrrrppppp. The hard part is actually realizing that there IS an assumption!
So to retun to my theme: If making completely unreasonable, illogical utopias became a popular hobby, if nothing else, it would be like crowd-sourcing the exposure of unspoken assumptions that we have. And exposing those assumptions is ESSENTIAL to starting to have reasonable, logical conversations of how to fix society.
In fact, some contemporary wackos, like anarchist David Graeber or Archdruid John Michael Greer, are doing just that! Instead of doing regular utopias (where you start out by imagining a fully formed future society), people like Graeber and Greer start by REMOVING one central unspoken assumption of our society, and then try to imagine how society would change if people all stopped assuming that thing.
For instance: what would an economic system look like where the “value” of things, services, and people was based on how much they helped other people, rather than on how much money they made?
What would a society look like where there was no oil left, no coal left, and . . . (dun dun dun) without oil or coal, you couldn’t have the energy to construct a world-wide replacement network of solar/wind/ocean-power plants? In other words, what would a society look like if every small village had to make its own power and replace everything it took out of the ecosystem?
What would a society look like if there was no concept of “debt”?
What would a democracy look like, if the concept of “majority vote” was applied in the workplace, every day, instead of in a polling booth, once every 2 years?
And so on. Most utopias have been based on an end point. This new breed of sort-of-utopias is based on a starting point: taking today’s real world, then tweaking one central thing, and imagining how things would unfold. However, despite exposing some unspoken assumptions of our civiliazation, none of these modern sort-of-utopias that I’VE ever read come close to actually fleshing out the answer in any detail. I don’t know if that’s because a) it’s really hard, or b) it’s really hard for someone (even an anarchist) who has been born and raised in 20th century monopoly capitalism to even contemplate?
In the past, when there was a revolution, gold would get seized. It didn’t matter if the revolution was Communist Russians, or Jacobin French, or Batshit Ayatollah-Lovin’ Iranian. . . regardless of the ideology, one thing held true: you “liberated” the gold and jewels from the oppressive rulers.
But that’s all about to change.
The next revolution – which, honestly I hope will NOT happen, for reasons which will become clear – but the next revolution is going to overthrow Wall Street plutocrats, whose money is NOT gold or jewels or even magical glowing scepters. Their money is all electronic, and what’s worse, the money is 90% in the form of electronic GAMBLES. That is to say, it’s in the form of “derivatives” or “swaps” or “foreign currency arbitrage index funds”.
All these aforementioned items are basically some variation of: “I made a bet with some other billionaire in another country that the price of something would go up or down in six month’s time. And I am simply trusting that that other billionaire will pay up if he or she loses.”
So even if your pitchfork-weilding mob has the tyrant up against the wall and a charismatic Che Guevara-like leader puts a Glock to the tyrant’s temple and says “Give us the password to all your swiss banks and Caymand Island trust funds! This money belongs to The People now!” . . .even if that DID happen, the money would simply VANISH.
Not because the Tyrant had some sort of pre-arranged scheme in place for just this contingency. But Because the billionaires on the other side of those gambles (which constitute 90% of the tyrant’s wealth, remember) would simply refuse to pay up:
“OOH GOODY! I lost my billion-dollar bet with the American Tyrant but he’s in the Bastille now so I’ll just pay my billion to Che Guevara here, even though I’m in a different country, and thanks to the deregulation of derivatives, nobody in the world even knows I’m on the other side of this particular bet! Sure. Hey, Che! Come and get a billion free dollars! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!”
And I’m not a financial wizard, but It seems to me that if many billionaires around the world stopped honoring their bets, this would cause the entire international casino to shut down, and all the “money” therein would just vanish into thin air.
You’d still have a certain amount of gold, and physical assets like factories and mansions and hovercraft, and maybe bonds? (or maybe not, depending on if the Revolution overthrew just the rich or the whole government). But derivatives, man, kiss those goodbye.
It would be like raiding Scrooge McDuck’s giant Olympic-sized pool of gold coins, and then watching 90% of them evaporate in your hands.
So whoever is in charge of the revolution, buddy, you got to think of a plan for how to deal with that.
Some of the more goofy Occupy people are fond of pointing out that back in the Bible times there was something called a Debt Jubilee – every x number of years all debts would be forgiven, slaves would be freed, repossessed land would be given back to the serfs, etc. What if we modernized that? What if, instead of a Debt Jubilee we had a SECURITIES JAMBOREE? Like every June 12th, all the gambles would stop for a moment, and all the money floating around the financial-economy would have to be liquidated and invested in the real economy – whether that’s land, paintings, hookers, buying companies or gold or sweet-ass geodes or limited edition lego minifigs or whatever – just real tangible things. On the minus side, that would make the price of real things go way the fuck up to the point where regular non-millionaires could no longer afford rice crispies or sweet geodes. But on the plus side, if all the oligarchs had to sell off their intangibles at the same time, the value of their intangibles would fall through the floor. Which would be fun to watch.
Or how about another version of a SECURITIES JAMBOREE, where every August 4th, the PHYSICAL ASSETS WHICH UNDERLY ALL YOUR DERIVATIVES which you’re gambling on . . .they ALL get PHYSICALLY DELIVERED TO YOUR DOORSTEP. Are you gambling on the future of pork prices or oil? Well here is a million hogs and 2 billion gallons of crude. Maybe you can put it on the tennis courts? Are you gambling on the price of the Yuan? Well here is a shipping container full of actual coins for you to get your Scrooge McDuck on in. Make sure and bring a snorkel! Are you doing high-speed trades of companies where you don’t even know what it is? Well apparently the microsecond when the jamboree clock ran out, you had just bought a sewage treatment plant. So here it is! Right to your house! Enjoy!
So even though those are crazy ideas, you have to know the problems in order to start thinking of solutions. And the Tyrant’s Evaporating Money trick is just one of the problems that a revolution will face in this day and age.
And this leads to a broader topic, as it usually does when I’ve been drinking.
OLIGARCH SELF DEFENSE.
This “all my wealth will evaporate if you try to grab it” scenario is just ONE of MANY counter-attacks the oligarchs can pull if the rabble rises up. And by “rises up”, I don’t mean armed revolution. Oligarchs have been known to go into self-defense, blow-up-the-economy mode if people pressure their governments for simple things like closing tax loopholes or raising living standards for workers.
The main other O.S.D. attacks are:
1) capital strike – refusing to invest any money in new businesses, or refusing to loan any more money. This might seem at first like it would only work in small developing countries who are like “Please sir may we build a power plant so we can have electricity?” but the shocking fact is, even in rich countries like Japan, USA or Germany, successful big companies depend on banks for loans just to handle daily business.
2) Fire everyone and move the factory to a different country where people are more grateful to us! AKA the Friedman (Thomas or Milton, take your pick)
3) Capital FLIGHT. This is different than a capital strike. It means, “take all the profits I made/embezzled in country A, and stash them in a secret bank account in countries B through F.” This is like a capital strike but with more money laundering, and different motivations. Capital Strikes typically are done by legitimate banks, working together, in order to influence the governments to be more business-friendly. Capital flight is more of a solitary, shameful persuit, and with no goals to influence the government. Capital flight is more associated with banana republics, collapsing African nations, or Russia, where the rich are just like “OK, this country is over.”
4) Currency attack! AKA the Soros AKA the Asian Crisis of ’97. Here is how this goes: if enough billionaires get together and start making bets that the Yen (or the Deutschmark, or the Peso) will go down in value, then everyone else jumps on the bandwagon, and lo and behold! The price DOES start to go down. And down. And down. The first people to sell can make a shitload of money somehow, because they placed bets in advance that the price would go down. But for all the little suckers who are faced with the choice of, “Holy shit, my Dinars are worth 50% of what they were worth yesterday, either I sell them at a loss (thereby further driving the price down) or I hold on to them until they become altogether worthless!”
5) Bond attack! Like currency attack, but on government bonds. AKA China and Saudi Arabia Basically Own Most of America Now. This is more of a crazy suicide attack, because bonds are like money America owes China. So they could destroy us by wiping their ass with our bonds, saying “These American bonds are bullshit funny-money from a not-legitimate government!”, setting them on fire, then selling the fecal ashes on Ebay for $2 bucks per pound. But they’d be destroying themselves in the process. But it might be worth it! Actually I’m not really sure of all the ramifications of a bond attack.
6) The CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE. AKA the “BUNCH OF FUCKING BOND TRADERS?!??” Unlike the currency attack, and the bond attack, the C.O.C. (shoutout to Mike Dean!) is deployed early and often, since the ‘70s. It goes like this: “You, the government, need to borrow from us, the bond traders, in order to finance your pet liberal/conservative/whatever programs. But we bond traders won’t buy any more government bonds unless you convince us that inflation will go down, enabling us to make more profits on our bonds. And the only way to keep inflation down is austerity, and cutting social programs. Oh and incidentally this will cripple other non-wall-street industries like housing, exports, and cars, but none of those industries can destroy your political career like we can, so they can go fuck themselves.”
7) RUN ON THE BANK aka TOO BIG TO FAIL. This one became super popular since 2008: “Mr President/ Fed Chairman/ Secretary of the Treasury! You have to bail out me and my friends because if we go out of business, we’ll take the whole economy with us! All the companies who deposited money with us will go bankrupt. And everyone who THEY owed money to will likewise go bankrupt. And no one will ever buy American stocks or bonds again!”
Anyway, those (plus the SCROOGE MCDUCK EVAPORATING MONEY revolution-foiler I described above) are just the Oligarch Self Defense strategies THAT I KNOW OF. And I’m not even a member of the Bohemian Grove! Who knows how many other shady tactics oligarchs are paying accountants and economists to invent? My point is, there are like 100 books about the 2008 crash, and 200 perfectly redundant books about AMERICA IS UNFAIR AND WE’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT, and Noam Chomsky alone has written over 500 books. All these books are full of ideas for reform or calls for mass protest.
But there is, as far as I know, NOT EVEN ONE book that even begins to address how reforms or protests or revolutions are going to cope with all the Oligarch Self Defense strategies. And unless someone writes that book, we’re all doomed.
DOOMED I TELL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
Many religious functions – explaining where we came from or when to plant crops – have been replaced by science. But even these days, science can’t explain the meaning of life or provide comfort to people who have lost a loved one.
But so what? Why even let religions have a monopoly on those two things? Fuck it, it’s time for secular saints.
By this I mean: make a list of people who are dead, who influenced your life greatly, who you wish you could be more like, or who you still think about a lot. . . . Then build a little shrine in your living room, and on the day they died, put their shit in the shrine (their books they wrote or albums they released or a picture of them or whatever), and take a little time throughout the day to contemplate:
a) All the happy times you had while listening to them or reading their book or going to see their movie or what-all
b) how you felt when you realized they were dead
c) what did they stand for? What did they make their fans do? how did they change things?
d) all the lessons you can learn in daily life from being more like them
e) and fuckin’ read their book or listen to their music or whatever it is, if they were a political martyr, I guess you could youtube their speeches or something?
I mean think about it: learning to be more like our idols helps us make our own meaning of life, and contemplating their death – and their legacy – helps us face our own. It’s like religion, but more practical, plus you can listen to some sweet jams and make the rules up as you go along. Plus as you get older, there will only be more people you can add to your list. It makes getting older fun, in a morbid way.
Plus, as I mentioned in a previous post on the word “spiritual”, you don’t have to be a religious believer to be appalled at how shallow, materialistic, and ad-driven our society is. Having a little shrine is a way to enjoy your favorite people *without it being mediated by some big corporation*, just you and them, without anything being bought or sold or tweeted or favorited or memed. If nothing else it’s a way of saying “not everything can be reduced to a transaction or an advertisement or a fucking number or a social media post. there is still more to life, there are still private things, even private connections between me and dead people.”
There are a few problems in the system which I haven’t worked out:
1 ) Should you also include “secular devils”? ( i.e. people who made you really happy when they died?) Do they really deserve their own entire day of hate? Like Ronald Reagan? Answer : sure! One whole day of walking through the living room and flipping him off every time I pass? That question answers itself. After all the misery people like him or Thatcher or OBL caused, why not have a little fun with it? God I can’t wait until Mariah Carey or Oliver Stone or fucking Eric Clapton dies.
2) should you include historical dead people who influenced your life and outlook? Or just dead people whose death you experienced, whose death affected you when you heard about it? It’s a lot more personal if you can actually remember where you were when you heard, “Hey Jam Master Jay got murdered.” “He WHAT?”.
3) Where do you draw the line? I can only think of half-a-dozen deceased people that are serious role-models, but hundreds of dead folks who I love their work but if I’m being honest haven’t really changed my outlook on life or nothing. But maybe if I had them in the shrine and really contemplated what they stood for, maybe they COULD still become role-models? (I’m provisionally handling this by putting all the really high-powered fuckers in glowing yellow type, thereby giving them official Saint status)
But anyway, here is my semi-complete calendar of fake religious holidays:
I know I’m missing hella important people, so please leave your suggestions for secular saints in the comments:
Hank Williams (September 17, 1923 – January 1, 1953),
St. ROBERT ANTON WILSON (January 18, 1932 – January 11, 2007)
Yves Tanguy (January 5, 1900 – January 15, 1955),
Dali (May 11, 1904 – January 23, 1989),
Gustav Dore (January 6, 1832 – January 23, 1883)
Kirby (August 28, 1917 – February 6, 1994),
steve gerber? (September 20, 1947 – February 10, 2008)
Charles Schulz (November 26, 1922 – February 12, 2000)
Hunter Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005)
bill hicks (December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994)
Biggie (May 21, 1972 – March 9, 1997)
Jean Giraud AKA MOEBIUS (8 May 1938 – 10 March 2012)
Nate dogg (August 19, 1969 – March 15, 2011),
Hp lovecraft (August 20, 1890 – March 15, 1937)
Joy division (15 July 1956 – 18 May 1980)
Eazy (September 7, 1963 – March 26, 1995)
Stravinsky 17 June 1882 – 6 April 1971)
ST. WENDY O WILLIAMS (May 28, 1949 – April 6, 1998),
Vonnegut (November 11, 1922 – April 11, 2007)
ST. JOEY ramone (May 19, 1951 – April 15, 2001)
thor Heyerdahl (October 6, 1914 – April 18, 2002)
Ballard (15 November 1930 – 19 April 2009)
el duce (March 23, 1958 — April 19, 1997)
George Herriman (August 22, 1880 – April 25, 1944)
St. poly STYRENE (3 July 1957 – 25 April 2011)
Jeff Hanneman (January 31, 1964 – May 2, 2013)
ST. DIO (July 10, 1942 – May 16, 2010)
quorthon (February 17, 1966 – c. June 7, 2004)
seth Putnam (May 15, 1968 – June 11, 2011)
Zelazny! (May 13, 1937 – June 14, 1995)
george carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)
dave insurgent (reagan youth) (September 5, 1964 – July 3, 1993)
Bob ross (October 29, 1942 – July 4, 1995)
Dennis Flemion (the Frogs) (June 6, 1955 – July 7, 2012)
Burroughs (February 5, 1914 – August 2, 1997)
lenny bruce (October 13, 1925 – August 3, 1966),
Hieronymus Bosch (. 1450 – 9 August 1516)
Euronymous AKA Øystein Aarseth (22 March 1968 – 10 August 1993),[
Tolkien (3 January 1892 – 2 September 1973)
ST. DAVID FOSTER WALLACE (February 21, 1962 – September 12, 2008)
Duchamp, of course (28 July 1887 – 2 October 1968)
Walt kelly (August 25, 1913 – October 18, 1973)
Rudy ray moore (March 17, 1927 – October 19, 2008)
Jam master jay (January 21, 1965 – October 30, 2002),
Odb (November 15, 1968 – November 13, 2004),
Big joe turner May 18, 1911 – November 24, 1985)
St. ZAPPA (December 21, 1940 – December 4, 1993)
richard pryor (December 1, 1940 – December 10, 2005)
Vassily Kandinsky (16 December 1866 – 13 December 1944)
carl sagan (November 9, 1934 – December 20, 1996)
St. James brown (May 3, 1933 – December 25, 2006)3 comments
download lyrics to everything from Closing Time through Real Gone, as a Word document, right here.
Just like the deal with my collection of Marvel superhero dick pics, I’d always assumed that someone had already taken care of this, but since the internet was falling down on the job, I went ahead and did it.
In this case, I was just copying off of various lyric sites and pasting it and, inevitably, adding my two cents about what songs were good.4 comments