Tokyo Damage Report

March 6 democratic debate transcript but fake

 

OK here’s my damn 3/6 Democratic debate report. It’s a mixture of things they really said and things I made up; hopefully my snide running commentary will help you tell which is which.

 

Actual Anderson Cooper on Nancy Reagan: Her strength and advocacy in the fight against Alzheimer’s and drug abuse will always be remembered. We would like to pause of a moment of silence in honor of Mrs. Reagan.

 

Man I wonder what Olympic gymnast they hired to perform the moral contortions required to twist that sentence into something resembling praise. Alzheimer’s, drug wars, pretty much the same thing, right?

Notional Audience member: “Hey, remember the time Nancy helped put millions of people with Alzheimer’s in jail with mandatory minimum sentences, and pumped for giving African American drug addicts full treatment?”

Fuck outta here.

 

Fictional  Exaggerated Senator  (FES) Bernie’s opening statement :  If we fix Flint’s pipes, restore infrastructure generally, that’s not just saving lives, it’s making jobs.  Now people say, “Oh where are you gonna get the money for your weird hippy ideas like ‘not poisoning children’, where’s the money coming from?”  Uh, if you give people jobs they can pay more taxes, dumbass.

 

“Yeah but I don’t want my taxes paying for jobs.”  I got news for you, bunghole: your taxes ALREADY ARE PAYING FOR JOBS. All those millions of low-wage full-time jobs that STILL leave the workers too poor to afford food or medicine – you’re paying for medicare and food stamps for the workers, you’re subsidizing the wealthiest fast food companies and Walmart and shit.

Fukin’ make REAL jobs cleaning shit up, instead of selling junk food and cheap plastic crap. It’s how we grew our economy for generations before ‘trickle down’ became the trend.  Fuck outtaheah.  It’s been 35 years of trickle-down.  Hey Michigan, isn’t that enough time to decide if a theory works?  Whaddaya say, Michigan? Exactly what has been trickling down onto you for 35 years?

“Where’s the money gonna come from Bernie?” (suddenly gets Scottish accent)  Moan tae fook!  Plus, where’s the money coming from NOW for the wars?  Same rules apply, ye daft wanker. Where’s the money coming from for the bailout? Where’s the money coming from for the fucking F-15 the navy doesn’t even want? Same rules fooking well apply, mate. Where’s the money coming from for the Caribbean and Hawaiian holidays for congresspeople which we’re expected to believe are ‘work meetings’ or ‘fact finding missions?’ (without warning switches back to Brooklyn) Fuck outtaheah, there’s money for that.

 

And don’t forget:  people who think my shit costs too much, that it’s not serious, THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKED UP YOUR WATER IN THE FIRST PLACE.  “Well they didn’t pay, so they must be punished.” Brain-damaged kids bad, but debt, worse, end of story.   They’re loan sharks. They may wear very tasteful suits and appear on serious networks like CNN, but they’re fuckin’ loan sharks, and what do we do to loan sharks, extortionists, leg-breakers and child-poisoners? We throw ’em in fuckin’ jail.  Bernie OUT, . . . . ya wee gobshite soap-dodgers ye.”

 

Question from audience for Fictional Exaggerated Secretary (FES) Clinton: They tell us we can’t have clean water because our city is broke. It’s broke because jobs went overseas.  Didn’t you and your husband support trade treaties like nafta, gatt, etc, that took the jobs overseas in the first place, and will take more jobs with TPP and TISA?  And after sacrificing our city on the altar of neoliberalism, now you come back talmabout you’re going to help us?

Oh, and a follow-up question: eat a dick.

 

FES Clinton: “Good question, Nicky. You could start by paying your fucking bills. Sure, I helped send your jobs to Bangladesh, and they ain’t a-comin’ back until US sweatshops are even more shitty than Bangladeshi ones. But get a new hustle.  Start a social media company.  Oooooh, wait, a foundation. Start one of those. I hear they’re *cough* doing pretty well these days.”

 

Cooper: “Would you like to try that again, Madam Secretary?”

 

FES Clinton: “I feel your pain, and I dodge your question. Is that better?”

 

Cooper: “Yes . . . . incredibly, somehow that is the case.  Fictional Exaggerated Senator Sanders? Your answer?”

 

FES Sanders: You see what she did there? That’s politics 101. If a president wants to NOT do something, they say ‘This issue is so important that. . . .I’ll be happy to work with congress. Yeah, that’s it.  Have them write some shit and I’ll pass it.’  Because they know congress can’t or won’t do SHIT.  If a president really wants to do shit, they’ll just rock an executive order, like Obama did with dream act. ‘I promise to do this specific plan and I’ll do it on my own if I have to.’  So now that I hipped you to this tactic, watch for the Secretary to use it later this very debate!  Oh, the suspense!

 

Cooper: Fictional Senator, would you like to further belittle your opponent?

 

FES Sanders:  Sure.  I can fix your shit by taxing Wall St. But what about all the other cities which are about 5 months away from BECOMING Flint?  We gotta think big to solve this.  We gotta look at long term root causes instead of sound bites.

 

You’re poisoned because broke. Broke because jobs left. Jobs left because globalization.  So the root cause is globalization, what the fictional exaggerated young lady just asked about. Your other enemy is privatization.  Here’s how THAT works: City government broke because people unemployed. Unemployed don’t pay taxes. City needs money fast, sells off utilities like water to private companies, the private companies hike the rates.

 

They say I’LL raise taxes? Fuck outta here – you’re paying 3 times average for poison water. THAT’S a tax.  But it doesn’t go to government to pay for other services like replacing lead pipes, it goes to private companies that prey on you. So you’re paying a HUGE tax, and they complain MY taxes will be too high? Such a mishegoss.

So your 2 enemies, and enemies of all the other cities teetering on brink, are globalization and privatization.  Now axe yourself, America; which candidate on this stage has taken a metric fuckton CUBED of money from globalizing privatizing corporate skin-dick motherfuckers?  Yeah, I said it.

Cooper: Remember, Senator, the rules to which you agreed clearly state that you must answer this question in the form of a Your Mother joke.

FES Sanders: Spending on infrastructure pays off in the form of jobs and economic growth!  For instance at least 500 jobs alone can be created by stabilizing and shoring up Your Mother.  Of which 100 are forklift jobs, so you might want to get certified.

 

Only Slightly Exaggerated Version Of Actual Cooper:  Yes, my mother IS grotesquely overweight. But, what, you want big govt to help people?  Isn’t this whole Flint disaster a problem created by government?

 

FES Sanders:  Whatever you say, Mr. Daily Haircut. The government was basically steamrolled by corporate lobbyists and corporate money, they took the government over to enforce their trade deals, and now people blame the government, so they want to shrink this no-good gov’t even more, which makes it even easier for corporations to buy legislators, and it’s a vicious circle.  You know this, you fake-ass albino creep.

 

 

Both candidates feeling Flint’s pain: Your city sucks in so many ways!

Audience: Yaaaaaaaaay! We have been waiting so long for someone to acknowledge us in any way, so yaaaaay.

 

 

(The Flint reporter guy looks coked-out AND Satanic.)

 

Also this debate is so fucking boring.  It’s 23 minutes in and they’re still talking about pipes. Not racism, globalism, privatization, austerity .  .  .  which are all super relevant, you don’t even have to stop talking about fucking Flint to talk about those.  It’s just, ‘I don’t like your poison-water.’ ‘Well I don’t like it even more.’ ‘Well I double triple don’t like it.’ ‘Well I super duper to infinity don’t like it.’

 

COOPER: Yeah but do you like it? C’mon guys, play along. We got another 2 hours almost to fill, and I left all my other questions in my other shorts.

 

AUDIENCE PERSON: How will you keep jobs in America?

 

FES CLINTON: Three letters, honey: TPP! This sovereignty-sodomizing devil-contract will ensure our environmental and workplace-safety standards are below China, so not only will we keep some version of the jobs we already have, but also everyone from Russia to Bangladesh will be moving their factories back HERE!  (begins crip-walking flagrantly)

 

Wait, I kind of like her real answer even better: “What Trump said. Next!”

(seriously, she basically gave a milder version of Donny’s “I’d fine corporations that move factories overseas.”  Does anyone know if she was saying it before Donny started getting huge ovations for saying it?)

 

Also, as long as we’re taking a little break, let me say I love the dynamic of the debate, or really, the whole primary in general:

Sanders: blah blah corporate inequality ding dong taxes!

Crowd: huge applause

HRC: What he said but even MORE, but also that won’t work.

(repeats)

And then the day after every debate:

Pro-Clinton shill:  Yeah Bernie’s so unrealistic his plan is silly.

TV host: But what about Clinton’s agreeing with him?

Shill: Oh that’s realistic because she won’t ever do it. Duhhhhh. She’s just stealing his thunder.  Think about it, fucking noob.

 

Only Slightly Exaggerated Basically Real Clinton  (hereafter  referred to as OSEBR Clinton, because I’m assuming everyone is a David Foster Wallace fan and is OK with unweildly made-up acronyms):  Oooh if everyone voted the way sanders voted, Detroit would never of been bailed out, and you’d lose fourty-squiventeen gakrillion biji-quillion jobs.

 

FES Sanders: (Dolomite voice) Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! If everyone voted the way I voted, DETROIT WOULDN’T OF LOST THE JOBS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Did you not hear just what the fuck I said about trade deals? Plus, and motherfucking also, If everyone voted the way I voted, the big 3 wouldn’t be making more money off of loans and Wall St financial scams than they are off of cars. Because Wall St would never have gotten deregulated, so  the car companies would still be in the car business.  And if everyone voted like me, the workers’ pay would have increased with your productivity, so you-all would be able to afford the fucking cars, thus creating demand for more jobs THAT way.

‘Voted the way I voted’, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. (Pause) Hey anyone want to see me do Seinfeld next?  (Pause) How about Michael Richards?

 

Fun party game: obtain debate transcript online, replace every Bernie instance of “wall street” with the phrase “your mother”, read aloud in his voice.  Repeat for “your grandma” “your brother” and, if guests absolutely refuse to leave, “your little sister Lou.”

 

OSEBR Clinton tackling the issue of her bank bailout vote, head-on:  Obama made me do it. His letter was notarized. It had a shiny seal on it. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Who among us can look into our hearts and say truthfully we can turn down a shiny seal? (pause)  Do it. (pause, flaring nostrils)  Look deep into that bitch. Everyone. I can wait all –

Cooper: Madame secretary, we have many more-

OSEBR Clinton:  (through gritted teeth) I SAID I have all night.

 

OSEBR Sanders: release the transcripts of speeches.

OSEBR Clinton: (makes faces in response)

a)      How long did it take HRC to rehearse that shocked-but-amused exasperated half-smile? That’s a super specific expression which communicates nonverbally, “OMG can you believe this guy is still bringing up such a thoroughly debunked myth?”, and

b)      How did she even get to the mental state where that strategy even OCCURRED to her as an OPTION?

 

Oh my GOD – now I got it!  That’s where she got that oddly specific expression: it’s vintage Reagan, from his viral ‘Oh there you go again!’ soundbite.  I wonder if the campaign consultant who pitched that to her explained where it was from, and in what terms did they explain it?

Fuck this marijuana I swear is making me smarter and funnier. Listening to old Looney Tunes soundtracks over the debate is not hurting, either.

 

FES Clinton:  I totally told wall street to knock it off – I was very stern in my lecture.  Like remember in the 90s when I gave black super-predators a really stern lecture instead of leading the most severe wave of hyper-incarceration this country has ever seen? Remember that?

 

FES CLINTON : I called for a lot of reforms. I have a RECORD. Of not pursuing any of them beyond saying vague words. I totally said some words though.  Which is more than I can say for my opponent with all his ‘actions’ and ‘concrete policy proposals’ and ‘vote doing’.

 

 

Oh my god, I just got ‘SATIRE-HOUSED’. . . . her real answer was so much more fucked up than my attempts at parody. This is what Nonsatirical, Actual Clinton said:“How can campaign contributions be bad, if President Obama took more wall st money than anyone???”

 

Someone please put this HRC quote in the inevitable supercut of GOP debate moments where Trump and Cruz openly state that money buys votes. This debate just got a whole lot GOPpier.

 

OSEBR Sanders: I’ll promise if elected to send bankers the fuck to jail.  Hey Clinton, you wanna copy that one too? Huh, Clinton? (begins calling her in a sing-song, “Warriors come out an play-y-y-y” voice) Cliiiiiiiiiiintonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn????

 

OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton: No bank is too big to fail. No banker too big to jail. No one too dirty to give me superpac dough in the mail. Or I guess electronic wire transfer, nowadays, but . . .  in a way that rhymes, somehow. (pause) Man, fuck you, audience. This isn’t 8 mile. You’re lucky I even gave it a shot. (pause) Oh also I helped pass Dodd Frank which is the most strict anti bank law since Great Depression.

 

FES Sanders: Oh you passed dodd-frank, so that solves the problem? Ooh, the strictest bank regulations evaaar? Dafuq?!? Here’s how fuckin’ strict that regulation is: Barney Frank, the author, is now on the board of directors of a fucking bank.  That’s how fucking strict that law was. Yeah, you know why he’s on a bank? Because he knows that his law won’t stop the government from bailing his bank out AGAIN when they or their friends crash the economy next year. (glares at Clinton) Your turn, weirdo.

 

OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton:  Well, if we’re gonna argue about the 90s instead of talking about the future which I’d much prefer – how the FUCK was ‘Black Sunday’ better than the self-titled first LP? Are you fu- STONED IS THE WAY OF THE WALK?  I COULD JUST KILL A MAN? Fucking PIGS?  That shit influenced hundreds of producers AND lyricists – who the fuck copied black Sunday?

Sanders: Mrs. Clinton-

Clinton:  I’m just saying–!!!

Sanders: May I speak?

(and so on, homey)

 

Unreal. Actual But Kind of Paraphrased Clinton on the controversial Import-Export bank: “If we didn’t have that bank encouraging exports, we’d lose jobs here!”

 

Every part of that sentence has bigger balls than every other part it is a Mandelbrot of balls.

 

First, exactly the opposite is true, the bank exists to subsidize already-rich companies who fire American workers and move plants to China, . . . but the main balls involve ‘phrasing an ACTUAL job loss which the whole country is aware of as a HYPOTHETICAL FUTURE EVENT.’

 

Aspiring Satirist Pro Tip:  listen to the debates with background music: both the Eraserhead soundtrack AND some vintage RZA beats work, as does the sinister noir of Bohren and Der Club of Gore.

 

 

Bernie’s hammering at the Import-Export bank issue managed to break the Oh There He Goes Again Reagan-Response Face Barrier (OTHGARRFB), thus forcing her into her emergency mode: ‘male politician no-no-ing sternly face #3’

 

FES Clinton: We need the gun makers to be accountable like every other industry, outside of banks . . .  and insurance and . . .  uh  . . . .real estate . . .oh also, by ‘gun makers’ I specifically don’t and will never include all our arms exports to violent dictators.  And I trust that neither Sanders or Cooper will call me on it.

 

Cooper: Are you worried that the audience might make the connection themselves, unprompted?

 

FES Clinton:  Do they fucking EVER??

 

Cooper: I withdraw the question, Madam Secretary.

 

FES Clinton: (addressing audience) Jesus, did you hear what this guy said? He thought you might be able to make the connection yours- what a dweeb!!

 

Audience:  Ha ha, fucking dweeb. You’re out of your mind if you think we can connect our domestic gun industry and all the tragedies it causes with our weapons exporting, more weapons sold than any other country, and the global tragedies that THAT causes.

 

San Bernadino Shooter Watching From Jail or Hell Or Wherever: But – but our rampage PROVES the two were linked: the carnage caused by American arms in the Middle East radicalized us, and the domestic arms industry made it easy for us to get revenge on you guys. You could NOT find a clearer example of how the two forms of carnage undeniably feed off of each other, causing blowback at home, so why do you only exclusively mourn one form?

 

Actual Mohammed: Man fuck you. I mean you’re right about THAT, but still, I didn’t authorize any of your fucked up violence, so fuck you, you little putz.

 

OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Sanders: If you hold manufactures liable for shootings of innocent people then there will be NO gun makers in America.

small devil-version of Sanders who appears in puff of smoke on Left shoulder, screeching: Yeah, and if you stop selling guns, then schoolchildren will stop getting shot the fuck up. Would you want to live in THAT world? Fuckin’ think things through next time, Anderson!

(Jesus.  That was on par with anything in a GOP debate)

(But Hillary fans also should take note:  you see how specific her  ‘make manufacturers and sellers liable for murders committed with their guns’ policy was? You see how she didn’t just say ‘I have a plan on my website!’? You see how she actually made a firm loop-hole-free commitment to which she could be held accountable once elected? You see the difference between that and all her normal, ‘I feel your pain’-type answers? THIS is what a politician sounds like when they actually WANT to do something. When they finally finally finally found an issue where the thing that they want coincides with what their donors will let them do if elected. )

 

Hillary gives her first convincing speech of the evening, about NRA lobbying shenanigans, but queefs the ending by saying ‘no other industry in America is so unaccountable!’  Which must put a sly chuckle on the faces of her backers as they watch the debate on 3d hologram vision , which is being projected 10 feet tall onto a green mist, which emanates from a grotesquely huge, burning pile of benjamins. Inside a pentagram, duh.

 

OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton:  Imagine how it must feel to be a parent sending your child off to school with a little backpack and a hand drawn ‘I love you’ note inside a old-fashioned brown paper lunch bag full of a mother’s love, and the next thing you hear is that someone was on a rampage shooting up your darling child’s school.  And you know who that someone is? He’s been  . . . he’s been STANDING RIGHT BESIDE ME ALL ALONGGGGGGGGG  AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

 

 

FES Clinton on criminal justice / racial pandering:  We have to end mass incarceration.  Less penalties.  Fuck it, you can sell weed right here on the stage. Yeah, come on up here. Somebody gonna sell you weed. Just don’t forget to give a puff to the secret service. They won’t lay a hand on you if they’re high. Fuck it. Come and do all kind of crimes up here.  Stab a bitch, I don’t care.  You want to see if I’ve really changed since the 90s, here it is, America.  (woman runs in front of HRC chasing purse-snatcher, Hillary trips her, hella joints come flying out the woman’s fingers, etc)

 

Cooper: You’re making a mockery out of this spectacle! Madam Secretary please!

 

Don Lemon, of all people:  Clinton, what racial blind spots do you have?

FES Clinton:  (consults notes) I just can’t fucking stand Peruvians. I’ve tried to give them a chance, broaden my horizons and so on – but those flutes and terrible little hats?  How can you be that flaming at that altitude? There’s practically no fucking oxygen. It defies physics as well as morality. Oh but also Eskimos. (sotto voice, to Bernie) I mean, Eskimos? Please.

 

OSEBR But Later Outright Satire Clinton:   When I was in law school, I had the opportunity to meet a visionary woman, named Mary Right Adelman, who worked with Dr. King who was the first African-American woman who passed the Mississippi bar. I asked her for a job. . . The first thing she did was send me to look at South Carolina, to investigate juveniles being sent to adult jails.

tiny she-devil appearing on CLINTON’s shoulder, screeching: So I went there, and I decided, hey!  That’s a great way to get them to heel. Then I told my husband about it in time for his crime bill.

REGULAR BUT FICTIONAL CLINTON: (facepalm)

TINY SHE-DEVIL: Wait, what were we bragging about, again?

 

FES Clinton: Let’s not forget to repeatedly mention my experiences working for the Children’s Defense Fund, which has given me so, so much – literally decades of political capital, and let me get away with advocating shit that immiserated lots of families, which I would not of been able to get away with otherwise, naamean.

 

Also, as per Don Lemon, apparently both candidates’ racial blindspots are ‘races other than black.’

 

That would have been amazing if Lemon blindsided them by having a Mongolian- or an Apache- or fuck it a Malagasy-American (someone from Madagascar) ask that question, so the candidates’ pre-rehearsed “Feeling The Pain Of The Struggling Black Woman In Police State Amerikkka” talking points wouldn’t work.

Seriously I can’t even begin to imagine them spontaneously freestyling a “Mongol-American Pandering” rap, but I bet it would be rad: “A goat in every pot, a Ger in every garag- wait, that defeats the purpose of a Ger. Uh, a goat in ever Ger, wait, are goats outside animals? uh, a garage in every goat. OK I’ll go with that. Garage in every g- you know what, can we fucking move on Anderson? Are you done mocking me? My opponent can have the Mongol-American vote, don’t say I never did you any favors.  Goats, Jeez.”

 

Hillary’s answer to the ‘do you regret using superpredator?’ question was a fucking masterpiece. She didn’t so much dodge it as Matrix out of the way in super slow motion. She started off facing it directly, and the camera angle kept changing subliminally slow, so by the time she’s facing away from the bullet, it looks like that was her original position all along. . . . . Is how a high guy would describe that situation.

 

Here is the entire, real, answer.

CLINTON: Well, I was speaking about drug cartels and criminal activity that was very concerning to folks across the country. I think it was a poor choice of words, I never used it before, I haven’t used it since, I would not use it again.

Because my whole life, to go back to what I was saying to Mr. Mcgee, is, you know, really, ever since I went to work for the Children’s Defense Fund, is to try to figure out ways to even the odds for people that are left out and left behind.

And I know very well that we have too many kids in our country right now who are living in poverty, who are going to schools like the ones in Detroit that have mold and rodents in them. I saw that in South Carolina. It’s unfortunately across America. So what we have got to do is provide more opportunities earlier in the lives of every child.

That’s why I believe in supporting families, early childhood education, universal pre-kindergarten, help kids be successful. And here is Flint, we’ve got to do more to mitigate against the effects of lead, because too many kids are having the experiences I’ve been told about, where they’re falling back in school, where they are having headaches because of the lead exposure.

LEMON: Thank you.

 

(Later, after Bernie talks some shit)

Cooper, giving Clinton the chance to respond: “Secretary Clinton, you were invoked.”

Dude, that is some dog-whistle satanic shit right there. Invoked?

(Detroit reporter guy sniffs a line and smirks knowingly.)

Clinton (drops smoke bomb, triggers green gels in the spotlights, hits ‘pitch shift’ button on microphone) WHO HAST SUMMONED HILLKOR, THE BRINGER OF HEELS???

 

Sanders’ answer to  the ‘should we be able to fire bad teachers?’ question is even worse than his gun control answer:

Let’s pretend you asked about free college? Do I want that? Yes, absolutely I do, (pause for applause) . . . so your children can fail out of it after they’ve been mis-educated by some incompetent psycho dead-eyed bullying burnout that is absolutely unfireable! (pause for more applause)

 

Don lemon: So which one of you is more racist? Seriously, which one? No answer? OK, we got other ways of settling this. Can you try these hoods on for size and we’ll just see ‘who wears it better’?

 

Real  Verbatim Clinton on fracking: You know, I don’t support it when any locality or any state is against it, number one. I don’t support it when the release of methane or contamination of water is present. I don’t support it — number three — unless we can require that anybody who fracks has to tell us exactly what chemicals they are using.

FES Clinton: I don’t support it on a boat. I do not support it in a moat.  I do not support it on a funicular. I do not support it, even if a historical analysis of my policies, uh, ummm . . . makes you think-i-were. 

(pause) Shout-out Jasiri X!

 

Side-note: The intensity of Audience applause when Cooper finally breaks media taboo on global warming makes him nervous: “Could it be we pundits are about of step with the people? Or is this applause some freak fluke of a coinky-dink?”

 

FES Clinton, on clean energy:  If elected I promise I will generate enough ‘alternative energy’ to fully 100% power the pipeline funneling me oil industry money.

 

When cooper actually asks HRC a hard question which is un-dodge-ably specific in its phrasing, her flustered denial has Bernie making THE BEST Alfred E. Neuman smirk, which with blinding speed, evolves into a series of Larry David faces, which I’m not familiar enough with his work to more thoroughly categorize. I just don’t find him funny. Maybe to sit next to on a plane, why not? But on TV, no.

The question in uh question:

COOPER: On the campaign trail, Senator Sanders often refers to (your) fundraiser in January that was hosted by executives from a firm that has invested significantly in domestic fracking. Do you have any comment on that?

Real Clinton: (blah blah blah I respect Bernie) . . . and I just want to make one point. You know, we have our differences. And we get into vigorous debate about issues, but compare the substance of this debate with what you saw on the Republican stage last week.

(APPLAUSE)

 

Fucking WOW. Another Mandelbrot Balls maneuver from HRC.  Appeals to a shared disgust at the ‘insubstantial’ level of the GOP debate AS A TECHNIQUE FOR DODGING A SUBSTANTIAL QUESTION.  That is some 4th-dimensional-Vulcan-chess levels of shadiness. I ain’t even mad. And the audience loves it!

 

Finally, we’re to the Boss Level of debates: The Jesus Round.

CRAZY CHRISTIAN LADY: Senator sanders. you are in fact Jewish are you not? Do you admit it?

FES Sanders:  Are you fucking serious? Is that a way to ask a question?!?

Cooper, leading chant: OK audience, repeat after me, ‘SAAAAAAAAYYY IT! SAAAAAAAAYYYY IT! SAAAAAAAYYYY IT! JEW! JEW! JEW!’

 

FES Sanders: I’m proud to be Jewish, because one of our core teachings goes like, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘nothing says ‘pride’ like being bullied into admitting something reluctantly.’ Also, Holocaust.

 

Cooper: OK, crazy church lady.  You also have a question for secretary Clinton? Or have you already done enough to set our party back decades?

 

CRAZY CHRISTIAN LADY: Do I want to pass up an opportunity to humiliate a second candidate? Was that even a real question, Anderson? (turns to Fictional Exaggerated Secretary Clinton) Maam, we’ve just heard senator Sanders admit to having the horns of the wily Jew, now do you admit to wearing the horns of the cuckold?  And, if so, since you both have horns, why are you fighting?  (pause) Aren’t you on the same team, in some basic, ontological . . . Oh man (puffs greedily on absurdly thick jay)

Like, what if you stopped debating, like, verbally,  and did like a rocky mountain goat thing, you know, a head-butt competition. With your respective morally odious horns.  All CRACKOW.

How awesome would that sound over this boss sound system. Oh MAN.  (pauses to regard jay) This is good shit.  Thanks for letting me score on stage by the way,  (pauses to exhale smoke in form of crucifix) you cuckold.

 

(Rips off mask to reveal sarah palin, activates jetpack, grins manically while blasting through roof hollering wacky, Woody Woodpecker-type mocking laugh.)

 

Oh shit, oh fuck ME.  Once again the actual question is even better than my feeble satire:

REAL CHRISTIAN LADY: To whom or for whom do you pray?

 

 

FES Clinton: I submit to the will of almighty and tyrannical Molkor the Magnificent, Molkor the Terrifying, Maker of the Soulblade, Ruler of the Purple Pantsuit,  Eternal Unseen Launderer of Foundation Slushfunds! AIEE EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! EEE UTHPHTFN! OI! OI! OI!

FES Sanders: Uh-oh! (pause for yuks) Spoiler alert!

(actually, again, real life is even weirder:  Camera is lurching left and right during her answer, which it never did at any time before or after,  as if cameraperson is wasted, or perhaps shaking their head ‘no no no’)

 

Interestingly, surprisingly, Clinton’s answer to Crazy Christian Lady . ..  is identical to her answer to her ‘how can you feel a black man’s pain’  answer, both in syntax and in general discomfort.  Discomfort so much evident in facial expression or faintness of voice, but evident in a retreat to very abstract and legalistic language.

(I guess it’s an improvement over how Dubya would just stutter and be simply unable to muster any kind of syntax when the subject was not of interest to him, as if only the most exciting supercool stuff in the world was worth the mind-bending effort of accomplishing syntax.  Fuck I am perceptive as ducknuts over here.)

 

Oh my god, I know why her answer is so uncomfortable: she’s treating the supreme being as another constituency to be vaguely pandered to and placated without any specific policy promises.  “Jehovah, I feel your pain at your crucifixion, and I promise to definitely form a committee to look in to the matter . . . .if congress should approve said committee, (stares resolutely into middle distance) I just do hope they won’t politicize it.”

God (watching from Heaven): (turns to Mohammed) Soon as she wins, she gonna forget me. You’ll see.

 

FES Clinton on Christian humility: Humility is definitely an attribute that some humans have, and I have had experts repeatedly advise me that this is a true concept, so I consider myself fully appraised of the value of it.

Any other probing moral questions designed to promote insights and self-awareness? Because my advisors all tell me I’m super good at that.

OK, I’m off to be humble at a $10,000-a-plate fundraiser dinner at Michael Bloomberg’s 4-dimensional hover-mansion.

(begins to teleport directly there somehow)

“SUCK MY DIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii……..

 

 

1 comment

LIBERAL NEWS FAILS

LIBERAL NEWS FAILS

The new Michael Moore film reminded me of a misgiving I’ve been having for awhile now. Because, while not in his top 3, this is the second film where he actually goes abroad to see how other countries deal with problems we have here in America. But nobody else does that! Why?

It’s weird how even liberal, anti-patriotism, international-looking news outfits (your Democracy Nows and so forth) don’t care how other countries solve problems.  Like they only care about other countries when something awful happens that they can blame on USA.

(which itself is a weird form of American Exceptionalism – this idea that the CIA did bad stuff, so therefore if ANYTHING bad happens, it’s because the USA is behind it, or supports it, or whatever. Like we’re the only country capable of fucking shit up)

(“Oh the Egyptian dictator or the Ukranian militias are backed by Washington – therefore those guys are our total puppets,  we’re 100% to blame if anyone over there so much as scrapes their knee, and if we hadn’t interfered, the dictators and militias would doubtless deal with internal dissent by taking away snacks.” – I mean, they don’t say that outright, but that’s how they cover things).

So that’s always bugged me, but with this crazy 2016 election, All-Trump-All-The-Time media environment, it’s even more important that we look at other countries.  Because, while Americans have spent the last 3 months trying to pick up our collective jaws off the friggin’ floor,  banana republics have for decades had a ‘wacky strongman-with-some-kind-of-theatrical-gimmick’ as a standard category of politician. Not just in Presidential elections – but in local or Mayoral elections as well.  So they’re ahead of us. They have a lot to teach us about how that shit works, and what to expect.

But patriotic Americans don’t like to admit what we’re turning into, and ultra-liberals don’t like talking about third world countries unless it’s a ‘poor brown victims of American Imperialism’ angle.

And since it looks like the shocks and surprises are going to keep coming, maybe some news outfit should try to stop REACTING and get AHEAD OF THE GAME by talking to some banana republic journalists, and giving them a chance to explain what America’s future is going to look like.  Send correspondents to the Philippines, Peru, I dunno . . . Nigeria? Anywhere politics is flamboyant and theatrical. (pro tip: start with Catholic countries) Anywhere people campaign for local dog-catcher wearing cop-shades and fake medals.  Find out ALL the gimmicky, crackpot candidates, and the various strategies they use, and make a database.  Available on the internet.

Whether liberal or conservative, whether white or Black, native-born Americans are used to thinking of banana republic elections as nothing but exercises in mindless violence and deathsquads, but that’s just the national elections.  They do propaganda and ads and slogans and scapegoating and infantilizing of voters over there, too. And while a lot of those third-world wacky-strongman-with-gimmick tactics wouldn’t translate to a high-tech USA media environment, a lot of those WOULD.

In fact, I’m – you know what, fuck it.

My kids need college money. I’ma start my own political consultancy firm for forward-looking American politicians.  For a flat fee, I’ll let you subscribe to my newsletter that details all the banana-republic election gimmicks (from the last 40 years!) that, as America declines, will start to be frighteningly relevant.

For extra money (the Gold Member level), I’ll sell you a database that outlines which gimmicks from across the third world can be adapted to social media and cable news, which will save you the trouble of weeding out all the crap gimmicks I sold to the suckers who only wanted the basic package.

And of course at the Platinum level, I’ll personally instruct you on HOW to adapt those gimmicks to our American new-media environment.  Sorry everyone, I’ll make the world a shittier place, but if I don’t do it, some TRULY evil mother WILL, and then I’ll be cut out of the moolah loop.

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Bernie Flips The Fuck Out

 

Goddamn it, you people! This could be the last free election before the whole system collapses from internal rot and corruption, and you’re just giving these states to Hillary?

Let me tell you something, my friends:  THIS WHOLE CORRUPT SYSTEM you’re so outraged about IS YOUR OWN FAULT.  It ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

Who kept voting for politicians who gave your jobs away, put your kids in jail, cut funding to your schools, allowed the NSA to read your mail, legalized a million ways for Wall St. to prey on you, and sent your kids out on a million bullshit wars THAT YOU CHEERED ON???? That was YOU guys.

And now you turn around and blame ‘corrupt Washington politicians’?!?!?  FUCK you.

How could you POSSIBLY AND FOR DECADES not realize it’s your fault?

Oh yeah, because the GOP isn’t going to openly say, “You fucking idiots, keep cutting your own throats hahahahahaha!” . . . and we reformers are so desperate for any help, that the LAST thing we want to do, is alienate you crappified fence-sitting morons by pointing out your own complicity.  So now, I gotta kiss your ass and pander to you, as you sit blissfully in your high chair, spilling your juice all over the place, blaming EVERYONE ELSE????

No more!

You hold our feet to the fire for every tiny gaffe, every tiny human mistake, you make jokes about our hair and hand gestures, while THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE VOTING THE BIGGEST ASSHOLES INTO OFFICE AGAIN AND AGAIN.  So who made the REAL gaffe, fuckers?

“Hey I voted for a guy that locked up more people than the Chinese government while taking huge bribes from Big Oil, I voted for that guy for 12 years, but WHOA, THAT POLITICIAN SAID A CURSE WORD, man I’m embarrassed for THAT guy. Sucks to be him!”

KISS MY ASS, AMERICA.

What, you thought I was going to drop the mic? I’m just getting warmed up.  Turn the stove off, this is gonna take awhile.

Not only are you the most un-self-aware, hypocritical, irresponsible, low-information, judgmental-about-all-the-wrong-shit bunch of halfwits in the history of Democracy, but YOU’RE STILL DOING IT.

Even after I hipped you to the game, you’re STILL FUCKING DOING IT.

Because, you hear that?

That’s the sound of 90% of my fans switching to HRC simply because I told you the truth and you didn’t want to fucking hear it.

Great, the 2016 election is gonna turn out realllllll well for you people, you’ll get exactly what you deserve. Feh!

(drops mic)

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politics in the hate-watch era

THE IRONY of MSM giving trump a free platform for months (i.e. how he never had to buy ads because the MSM gave him so much free time out of sheer sarcasm) and then going “aaah he’s winning?”.

 

I guess in their big, sophisticated, irony-filled Coastal Elite world, it was possible to explain their unlimited Trump-time as ‘hate-watching’ (i.e. ‘we’re just letting people see him for the buffoon he is!’) (but why not also let viewers ‘hate-watch’ Sanders?) . . . . but in middle America it was free publicity.  The MSM’s own ‘ad revenues for our shareholders at all costs’ business model wound up biting them on their ass and electing a dork that their own shareholders can’t stand.

 

But at least we shareholders got those sweet dividends! I’m picturing a short film about some sharp  investor who  bought so much stocks in MSM companies that she can use those dividends to escape il Donny’s  America and live in Monaco full time.  I mean that’s what the super-rich are already doing, with regards to OTHER ‘externalities’ of their corporate holdings (climate change? No problem! Buy a swiss chalet! Pollution? Only poors drink tap water! Police brutality? Not with my personal security guard team!).

 

Come to think of it, il Donny’s whole campaign is an externality of a ratings-and-entertainment-driven ‘news’ system.  He’s ‘ENTERTAINMENT POLLUTION’.

 

Let’s take a broader look at the concepts of ‘hate watching’ and ‘hater management’ and ‘my entire goddamn brand is I’m the person you love to hate’.  It’s bigger than politics – for example, you also get that with Kanyaay and his his Armenian friends. ( if they had been famous in the ‘70s their show would be called The Big Sulker and His Ethnic Family Companions Comedy Variety Hour).

 

Ever since Geraldo, hate-watching has gotten more sophisticated and ‘balanced’ (i.e. the perfect reality program for a while has been something where people who hate so-and-so are just as likely to tune in as people who love so-and-so, just as likely to water-cooler-anecdote so-and-so’s antics, and most importantly, just as likely to assume that the producers of the show share their own views about so-and-so). As a business model, hate-watching makes perfect sense: you can double your audience size without finding a main character that more people like.  Free money ,baby! 

 

So it’s no coincidence that Trump came out of that ‘scene’:  in the heavily spin-doctored realm of politics, even the slightest gaffe is a huge deal, but in reality-tv-land,  the ability to make a memorable and offensive gaffe is what separates the wanna-bes from the pros. The funny thing is, he’s a hair away from winning the nomination AND WE’RE ALL STILL JUDGING HIM BY THE MORE LENIENT RULES OF REALITY-TV.

 

Which leads to the obvious question: in a world that’s pretty much forgotten the difference between ‘good attention’ and ‘bad attention,’  how much of Donny/Kanyaay/???’s crazy is them saying dumb shit they don’t even believe just to keep their internet mentions (or whatever they call it) high?  Are ‘stars’ being motivated to be even more dickish because they need the haters?

 

And now on to the less-obvious question:. . . is it even POSSIBLE anymore for even the most famous individuals to get the amount of general across-the-board love that a JFK/ Marylin / Zero Mostel type got back in the 60s?

 

Is the only way to get that kind of recognition today to encourage haters, start a bunch of dumb shit for no reason, and act crazy? could media icons of the ‘good old days’ like Monroe, Joe DiMAggio, etc, pull half the numbers of a Tump or a Kanyay, without ‘doubling their ratings’ by recruiting millions of haters?

 

Put more apocalyptically, if a certain percentage of entertainers/politicians/media figures double their fame by encouraging hate-watchers, how long until EVERYONE has to do that, just to keep up with the arms race? and if everyone’s doing it, doesn’t that make us all contemptible opportunistic arrogant assholes?

 

The metric changed!  They don’t measure how loved you are but how much you’re ‘driving traffic’ or ‘trending’ on ‘social media’ – no distinction between Yay! And Boo! Responses.  The only way to rebel is to ignore them.

Ignore them and listen to Slayer.

 

 

1 comment

Twitter

This election got me so hyperactive I’m making a twitter just to live-tweet debates with my particular style of  caustic analytics, which I call caustalitics. Wait, no, analticks.  Fuck, that should have been my handle. But instead my handle is

@dadsyellinagain

Anyway if you forgive me for selling out, please tell a friend.

 

 

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Man, why is it so hard to find scalia jokes all in one place

Come on, Internet. You were made for this.

OK, for everyone struggling to find the ‘best of deadscalia’ collection, I found it, and here it is;

 

 

http://dcist.com/2016/02/twitter_dances_on_the.php

 

If anyone finds better shit, leave it in the comments.

 

 

 

 

aaa this is just some filler.

I’ll come back soon with some deep intellectual analysis of recent GOP debates, plus fart sounds.

 

I mean unless another clown bites the dirt.

I don’t  like purposely intend to turn this into  URINATING ON FAMOUS DEAD PEOPLE DAMAGE REPORT.  I’m just so sad that ANYONE would outlive Lemmy, even by a month.

1 comment

another dead dinosaur, whoopee!

You dead-ass, prancey, leotard, disco, Labyrinth-hair-ass, botox-mummy-looking-ass Limey!  You thought you could outlast Lemmy, motherfucker? Wrong answer!

 

clapton, you’re next on the list.  don’t sleep.

don’t stand next to high windows neither.

 

George Micheal is a fuckin’ roach. that fool will outlast us all.

 

Phil Collins gets a pass for his work in Brand X, best fusion outfit of all time. I’m a fan of Genesis too, but Phil’s drumwork in that group was negligible – anyone could have done that shit.  But still, fucking Brand X.  So while I won’t be SAD if he relapses and dies, I’m not rooting for it.

 

Plus, U2 and Bruce Springsteen’s tour jets will collide in midair next year.  I’m not going to say how I know this, but   the ‘material’ has been aquired, the ‘moles’ are all in place: that shit is going down like a Malaysian Airlines jet.   All that will remain will be some godawful tribute playlists and someone’s kidney, not sure whose but it will definitely poison several acres of farmland wherever it will hit.

 

 

 

Final image:   Andy Gibb, in hell, stomping ‘new fish’ Bowie’s ass, forever.  “Wash my drawers, you poser! Wash my infernal flaming drawers, Maytag!”

 

Honestly I never could tell those two apart.

 

 

 

 

2 comments

e-book fucking done!

 

MAXIMUM SCENARIOS 2015

Get it on Amazon.

All new, never-seen-on-this-site material. Basically a year’s worth of TDR rants in one e-book:  comedy, politics, skits, lists, anthropology, short stories, psychology, and ass.

 

If you like it, please tell a friend!

2 comments

DOING AN EBOOK

First, thanks to everyone who commented on the previous post about “how do i get suckers to pay attention to me?”

 

I’ve decided to put all this year’s writing into an e-book, which I’m proof-reading right now, and should be done by New Year’s.

 

It’s gonna be called MAXIMUM SCENARIOS. And it’ll be like getting a year’s worth of TDR at once, except no Japan stuff.

 

I’ll let you know when it’s ready.  But meanwhile 2 questions:

 

1) Where do people sell e-books?  Amazon?  Is there another place?

 

2) I agree with people who said this website makes it hard to find old posts.  Does anyone know any wordpress plugins that make searching for old stuff eaiser?  Ideally, I’d like something where, if you click on a category or tag, then the main part of the page (right here!) will display all the corresponding headlines at once.  It would also be helpful to have a button on the bottom of the page saying ‘previous’ or ‘earlier writing’ or something.

 

OK, thanks again for support, and I’ll let you know when anything new happens.

 

Meanwhile, here’s a list of

 

BLUES SINGERS YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF BECAUSE THEY WERE INSUFFICIENTLY BLUE:

Blind Throckmorton Tibbs III
“New Money” Vulcan Skuggs
“Talahassee Tad” Stenthoupse-on-Thwait
“Still Doesn’t Have Personal Reserved Parking Spot at Golf Club” Harrington
Charles “Summer Home Still Undergoing Rennovations” Rutledge
“Sunk-Yacht” Rochester
Gingham “Underperforming Hedge-Fund”  Tate, of the Boston Tates
Tippy “Cashed Stock Options Too Late” Chandling
“Still Under Indictment For Price-Fixing” Gavingbone
Elliott “Helipad Mercillesly Panned By Best Helipads Magazine” Kensington
“Art Collection Rumored to be Full of Forgeries” DuPont
“Rejected by Skull and Bones at Yale” Thwibbington
Chester “Can Only Pee indoors at Bohemian Grove” Blakesley II
Harrington “Chokes On Own Cigar Smoke” Wealthingsby, Jr.
“Polo Team is Zero for Seventeen” Amherst
“Idiot Snowboarder Son-in-law Back In Rehab” Whittleston
Bartholomew “Second Wife Indiscreet” Covington
“Picked Last for Lacrosse” Yarborough
Woodrow “Trust Fund Dangerously Low”  Whibbles-Thorpe
Duke Prickney “Bought Title With Toilet Plunger Factory Fortune” Realduke
Melissa “Inherited Much Less Than Siblings” DeLaChute

2 comments

Poetic Justice

Everyone loves to laugh at Republican politicians who vote for anti-gay legislation… and then get caught in a bathroom somewhere, with their underwear wrapped around an undercover cop’s junk.

But I got an even better one for ya – and it’s so underground, neither the left nor the right media have talked about it!

Suppose one professor takes a stand against racial/ethnic cleansing, and as a result, loses his job.

Heroically tragic? Tragically heroic?

But then, there’s a second professor.  Who not only disagrees with the first professor re: politics, but ALSO goes the extra step, and attacks the first guy personally, and finds it really ha-ha-funny that he got fired.  Who even suggests that the fired guy is buddies with the campus bigot who had him fired. Ho ho ho!

It’s all very hilarious – until the  second (asshole) professor,  HIMSELF gets fired, for THE SAME EXACT ACCUSATIONS , the VERY NEXT YEAR .

 

And then screams to the heavens about how unfair it is.

 

If you read that plot in a Phillip Roth novel, you’d complain that the satire was to obvious and not realistic.

 

And who is this asshole who makes personal attacks against professors who are standing up for academic freedom?

 

The Politically Correct darling, Steven Salita.

 

You read that right.

 

I used to think that guy was really hip, but honestly now I know the facts,  I’m glad they fired him.  It couldn’t have happened to a better person.

 

Incidentally, the first professor is Norman Finkelstein.

 

And what was Finkelstein’s huge crime?  What was the horrible thing that Finkelstein did, that made Salita gloat at his blacklisting from academia?  Even though they’re both anti-Israel, and pro-Palestinian?

 

Finkelstein wants an end to the Israeli occupation, an end to the violence, justice for the victims of ethnic cleansing, and  a two-state solution (Palestine as a separate country), and Salita wants  an end to the Israeli occupation, an end to the violence, justice for the victims of ethnic cleansing, and  . . . a one-state solution (total desegregation of Israel).

 

What the fuck?  You guys are both fifteen feet into a marathon, and you’re throwing blows over  how the last 10 inches is going to go? Jesus, no wonder the Left can’t get anything done ever.

Just goes to show,  the Left media is NOT going to tell you the whole story.  The only reason I even know about this NOW is, Max Blumenthal linked to this article . . . .  because he was so up his own ass that he thought it made Salita look GOOD.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Max Blumenthal. I named my cat after Max Blumenthal. But it’s really trifling when people with petty personal beefs use political language to smear the other person. Because they know their twitter followers will respond more to accusations of “so-and-so is an xxx-ist”, more than if they said the REAL reason they don’t like the guy (“so-and-so was rude to me at a dinner party! Hey followers, get him!”).  It’s just kind of shitty to use your little fame to rile up a mob for personal reasons. It’s shitty to your fans to use them like that.

 

 

 

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curmudgeon with a bludgeon, part five

201 Every Single Talk Show Ever Is So Boring I Can’t Even Be Bothered To Get Mad About Them (Which Makes Me So Pissed)
202 All 12-Bar Blues Jams Vs. The High Notes In Chinese Opera (Vs. Earplugs)
203 The Second That crumpled up used saran wrap with food moisture Leaves My Bowl, It Becomes gross like an old random sock on a street corner
204 whoever invented venetian fucking blinds vs. A Lethal Hail Of Maximum Velocity Pisscicles
205 Dispersing Adagio Movements By Force
206 Solo Cutters (Your Song Is Now Half As Long, You’re Welcome)
207 Intro Killers (Fade-Ins Don’t Work If You’re A Half-Deaf Old Rocker)
208 Find Fucking To-Do List (Is First Item On New To-Do List)
209 Aliens Invade, Turning All Girls Yelling WHOOOOOO Into Hans Moleman
210 They Turn Back To Normal After 24 Hours
211 Except They Have Pancreatic Cancer Now (Bug or Feature?)
212 People Who Write “Class Of ” On Their Cars Can Kiss The Class Of My Sphincter
213 Thank God Your Motorboat Has Tribal Tattoo Decals On It Otherwise I Would Remain Forever Unaware Of Its Badassedness
214 It Is Appalling That Even ONE Movie Has Been Made Re; A Woman Coming To Terms With Her Relationship With Her Mother
215 If An Instrument Suddenly Sounds Better And You Don’t Know Why, (Thank A Ring Modulator, Jabroni!)
216 Won’t You Come To My Rave Party? (Hands Flyer Soaking With Crab Jizz)
217 This Is How Much I Care About How To Pronounce “Microscopy” (Holds Aloft Single Hydrogen Atom Between Forefingers And Thumb)
218 I’m Twitter And I’m Mad This Pop Star Doesn’t Share My Politics (Because God Forbid I Drag My Radical Subversive Ass Out Of The Top 40) (Also I Need To Shut Up And Listen To Diamanda Galas)
219 Mother Of Sweet Satan Will No Amount Of Paperwork Satisfy The School Nurse?????
220 Be A Private Contractor Making Unuseable Yet Mandatory Websites For The Government (Because You Flunked Out Of Felching School)
221 Two Bureaucracies Both Insist The Documentation From The Other Is Flawed (And Yet *I* Am The One Who Gets In Trouble)
222 (Also Both Refuse To Fax Anything To Each Other (“To Protect Your Privacy”) So I Have To Fucking Shuttle Little Sheets Of Paper Back And Forth That Have Exactly Nothing To Do With The Services The Bureaucracies Are Supposed To Provide)
223 I Wonder What Ever Happened To Fallout Boy (Wait . . . No I Don’t)
224 Can We Just Admit That All Our Cherished Beliefs Are Just Arbitrary Meaningless Rituals Used For Social Chesion?
225 What If I Said Please? (Word To Stikky!)
226 Maybe It’s Time To Retire The Word ‘Sir’ (If Police Routinely Kill People While Sarcastically Saying It)
227 227 Reasons To Rock Out With ‘The Bludge’ (Each Reason Is A Song I Didn’t Make You Sit Through)
228 Marky Mark Crushed By Falling UFO Waste-Product (Funky Bunch Commits Ritual Seppuku)
229 Smartphones: Pacifiers For Adult Babies
230 Fuck, My Family Is Home (Again!)
231 Execute The Tsunaryev Brothers Because They Failed To Blow Up Most Of Boston
232 We Are Charging You $30 To Re-Buy Software You Already Bought, Because You Changed Computers (Also The “Improvements” To The New Version Consist 100% of Making The Interface Unreadable, Which Probably Could Have Been Done For A Mere $25)
233 I’m Avast! Anti-Virus And My Response To Letting You Get Infected On My Watch Is Basically A Little Pop-Up Window Offering To Sell You A More Powerful Upgrade.
234 Sure, State Farm, I Would Love To Devote An Entire Morning To Signing Up For Your App, But Only If You Send Me Junk Mail Advertising That Option About Twice A Week, Forever.
235 I’m So Sorry For Walking On Your Personal Jogging Trail, Sweaty Irritable White Dad Yelling At Me While Running Away Like A Bitch
236 What Kind Of Demon God Makes A 100% Carb Diet Bad For You???? (Word To Sourdough)
237 “Happy Birthday” Song Against Law And Punishible By Death (In Related Developments, National Anthem Now “Cuss Words” By Too $hort)
238 NSA Announces That Every Instance Of Software Not Working With New Version Of Windows Will Be Punished By Executives’ Kids Being Arrested On Blatantly Trumped-up Terrorism Charges
239 BMX Bike Kid Vs. Human-Sized Ant Lion Embedded In Race-Course (Make That A Bakers’ Dozen Human-Sized Ant Lions)
240 Bench Betta Have My Monkey!!
241 Hey White Dad Who Cut Down All The Trees In His Own Front Yard To Make More Room For His Christmas Lights Display In Fucking October (I Will Seriously Sew Every Single Light Into Your Scrotum And Crank Up The Juice)
242 Fucking Goat’s Always TROTTING
243 Abusing The Orph (Fatwa Burana)
244 The Quality of the New Yorker Is Wildly INconsistent From Issue To Issue!!
245 Daylight Savings Time Chows A Whole SEQUENCE Of Granny Parts
246 The Concept Of Planned Obsolesence Deflates My Pessary Something Fierce!
247 A Well-Placed Ostritch Kick Could Do Nothing But Improve My Bass Intonation
248 I’m Multicultural (But You’re Appropriating)
249 How Dare You Diversity-Trigger My Shame-Dentity?
250 Fuck You Future Self (You Have To Compose Music For All These After All, Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

1 comment

more election satire

TRUMP
the news media dislike Trump so much not because ‘he’s turning the election into a reality show!’ but because he’s EXPOSING that it’s BEEN turned into a reality show for YEARS now,thanks to those same media. they’re pissed he’s blowing up their spot.

by emphasizing the horse-race aspect over serious policy, by commenting endlessly on personalities and flag pins and terrorist fist-bumps and etc, while censoring third-party candidates and avoiding issues that voters care about but which neither party cares about. . . the ‘real, serious’ media made it a reality show. By Citizens United and 501(c) fraud, they’ve made campaigns all about sponsors and ratings rather than democracy, and profited handsomely from that (who do you think GETS all those ‘unlimited anonymous campaign contributions?’ mostly tv stations, in the form of ad revenue)

So when they complain that he’s vulgar or fake, or that he’s not serious, they’re projecting. Honestly that could be the textbook example for psychoanalysis students.

If you make it a horse-race, eventually a fuckin horse is gonna enter the race.

Having said that, though, I’m halfway convinced that his whole campaign IS a stunt – specifically that it’s a radical viral marketing campaign for an actual reality show debuting in 2016, in which Trump will PLAY the POTUS. (tag line; “THEY SAID HE LOST THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY. THE REPUBLICANS LOST THE TRUMP PRIMARY!”)

 

Like the producers’ll make a fake White House, a fake Oval Office, and then give him little challenges every week to see what he’ll do, and viewers can pay to ‘vote’ on if he handled it well. “This week; Israel bombs Russia – can The Donald broker peace between them?” He’d be perfect for that because, if you launch a shitload of “nukes” and “blow up the world”, you’ll still be back next week, provided it got good ratings. The producers will lecture him on-camera about how if he really was President the population would be dead or diseased, etc, and he’d just make funny faces in response.

The apocalyptic nature of the show will become apparent in the second season (you think there won’t be a second season?!?); the first season he tried to actually solve problems and not wreck the planet, but the occasions when he lost control got such higher ratings, that by the second season they’ll abandon any pretense that wrecking the country constitutes failure; abandon any pretense that there is any continuity from week to week. every episode is a re-start.

Plus there could be a revolving-door aspect;  every  real government official who was fired for scandal or incompetence could get a job on the reality show as PresiDonald’s cabinet member, giving him advice and shit.  Like all the times during the debates when he answered questions, “Well I don’t know the answer, but if I’m elected, I’ll learn, no prob.”   . . . well, those will be the jokers teaching him the answers.  If anything, this will only make the show more realistic.

 

They give him challenges that the REAL POTUS is facing that very week (i.e. russia, china, israel, syria, gun control, immigration) , things that the voters really want the real POTUS to solve for once and for all but he or she can’t ,because in real life those problems are difficult. But on the show, Trump’ll just be like “Nuke ’em all! Pew, pew, pew!! BOOOSHHHhhhh. How you like that, viewers!” and they will. Like it.  It’ll be like a wish-fulfillment fantasy.  “Why can’t the REAL president do that? Gummint sux!”

 
THE NEXT REPUBLICAN DEBATE
. . should just be limited to Adelson, the Kochs, Barbara, and Bibi Netenyahu having an on-stage pillow-fight over which one of their pet candidates should win the primary. They’re fed up with spending millions on ads that have very little effect – just settle it like gentlemen, and the losers agree to stop financing their pets, and everyone saves money. Free-market efficiency!!

 

Also, the next Repub debate is  RIGHT before halloween.  If that happened in The Simpsons, you’d be mad because, “it’s too unrealistic!”  Oct. 28th.

 

Really, the only way to do it is to watch it with the sound off and Bach’s Tocatta Fugue In D Minor (i.e. The Phantom Of The Opera / Rollerball joint) on loop the whole time.  Put some Ted Cruz / Fiorina effigies in the front yard to keep trick-or-treaters from approaching and interrupting.  Rad.

 

Radddd.

 

 

1 comment

Mexico