Tokyo Damage Report

How to Tell Apart all the Ambient Minimal Composers Whose Names All Start with “R”

Robert Rich, Terry Riley, Steve Reich, and Steve Roach!

Seriously what the fuck is up with that? What kind of obscure conspiracy could possibly BENEFIT from such blatant last-name manipulation? What’s Their ANGLE?!?

 

Robert rich -  one of the early early drone guys. did “overnight performances” where the audience was supposed to sleep. Not only does his name have TWO “r”s,  but also, he has actually done collaborations with Steve Roach, which is just further proof of The  “R” Conspiracy.

Main song: Somnium.

Looks like : steve jobs.

 

Terry riley        –   Psychedelic synth guy, kind of tripped out , shrill , and irritating

Main song:  “rainbow in curved air.”

Looks like: dumbledore

 

Steve Reich – modern classical minimalist and tapeloop guy. The best of the bunch!

Main songs: “music for 18 musicians”, and “come out.”

Looks like: any CEO on casual Friday, dockers and baseball hat.

 

Steve roach – new agey faux native American drums and synths, meditation stuff, but super thick walls of epically reverbed synths. Again, he even has the same FIRST NAME as  another “R” guy.  It’s like They are DARING us to call them on their Conspiracy!!!

Main album: Dreamtime Return

Looks like: Stephen King with a bird’s nest on his head. Giant eyebrows.

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lou reed was still alive?!?

BANDS THAT ARE ABOUT AS ENTERTAINING AS LOU REED:

 

MARYLIN MANSON

J GEILS BAND

KID ROCK

MC HAMMER

CRUCIFUCKS

FALLOUT BOY

STYX

BILLY JOEL

 

BANDS THAT , WHILE OBJECTIVELY BAD, ARE STILL ARE MORE ENTERTAINING OR THOUGHT PROVOKING THAN LOU REED:

 

ABBA

INSANE CLOWN POSSEE

THE SCORPIONS

THE BENNY HILL THEME SONG

KANSAS (the “carry on my wayward son” band)

 

Is no one going to fucking say it?

Fine.

I’ll be the bad guy.

Lou reed was not any good. His music wasn’t even bad. It was just, meh.

People kind of admit this when they say “but he was INFLUENTIAL!!!”  which is a roundabout way of admitting they don’t personally listen to or enjoy his music.  But even “influential!” basically just means that “arty white person bands are a lot less creative than you thought” . . . . it doesn’t mean “lou reed was  rad.”

 

Just by a morbid coincidence I DLed a lot of his solo albums a week before he died, so I know what I am talking about.  And don’t talk about velvet underground. In a just world that band would have been officially called MO TUCKER AND HER LITTLE PALS.  I mean they had 3 good songs; waiting for my man, white light, and “heard her call my name”. . . all of which had those Mo Tucker beats.  Except for some stoned giggling and various comical guitar solo attempts, Reed  was incidental.

 

See also :  Reed influenced  dickless noise bands like sonic youth.  Tucker influenced really nice bands like NEU! and Faust. Again, this is objective truth. (Tucker also was a huge influence on Can, but I can’t co-sign the Can vocalists, any of them.  Shut the fuck up Japanese Robert Plant.)

 

I’m not glad he’s dead, though.  I saw some video interview of him in the ‘80s with an insane jew-fro-mullet and he was telling Lower East Side war stories from when NYC was all Escape From New York / Fort Apache The Bronx – style.  It was an amazing batch of stories. If dude had just gracefully retired from music and done the Henry Rollins thing he could have been one of the best storytellers.  This, incidentally, is not a problem unique to Reed.  Lots of musicians are more interesting as people than musicians, (AKA the “the music is the least interesting thing about him/her” phenomenon).

 

I guess my main beef is with music critics, not with the dead man.  First, claiming that he “invented punk.”   Everybody knows that THOMAS EDISON invented punk.  No, wait, I meant Ronald Reagan.

Second reason why critics are terrible: look at the list I posted at the top of the rant.

MARYLIN MANSON

J GEILS BAND

KID ROCK

MC HAMMER

CRUCIFUCKS

FALLOUT BOY

STYX

BILLY JOEL

All these bands had like 2 good songs, which is probably 1 more than Reed had in his solo career.  So logically rock critics should praise all these bands JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than they praise Reed.

And they should say typical sentances like: “J Geils band (famous for their hits “Centerfold” and “Love Stinks”) invented industrial music, as well as punk, classical, and meringue, and the demise of this band will forever live in rock history”

or sentances like: “Styx, whose brand of working-class-rock-meets-broadway-musical has influenced the course of rock history, also invented black metal, wigger slam, horrorcore rap, and the minuet.”

 

AND YET ROCK CRITICS HATE ALL THOSE BANDS.  Despite the totally objective fact that they are just as mediocre and “eh” as lou reed.

 

So, in conclusion:  critics are underpants, lou reed = fallout boy, “influential”= “I don’t personally listen to it but you totally should”,  some musicians should just tell stories, and Mo Tucker was the main good thing about VU. Also, if the record industry took my advice and simply ONLY PAID ROCK STARS IN HEROIN,  we would have been spared this guy’s output, as well as his pathetic obituaries (see also: kobain, Hendrix, etc).

10 comments

shorter new Eminem:

“Look how talented I have to be in order to find new ways to say the same exact thing!”

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Bowel Obstruction of Justice

This is how you deal with bullshit small-town rape jocks.

If you agree, send this to someone you know.

 

Caught you slipping after football practice

Laying in the bushes outside where your frat is

 

Think you’re a man because you know how a rape feel

Tell me how that duct tape on your face feel.

Tell yourself it ain’t real,  but you know your fate’s sealed

Sometimes a busted cherry leads straight to a grape peel

 

Word to Darryl McDan It’s the simplest plan,

Just some cuffs and a windowless van.

 

Now you’re bleeding, dude, but we ain’t beating you

Swervin on the curb’n, that’s right, we Nice Peting you

Bouncing you off the van wall, fractures!

“Darren Wilson football practice.”

 

Grand-daddy can’t save you’re a** now

Face the curtain, take your last bow

This ain’t Sinatra, it ain’t going Yo’ Way.

More like Sedaka, ‘cause we bout to Go Ape.

 

You can’t scream but I see your eyes widen

When I brandish pliers, siphon and a tire iron

Tear your rectum open with no foreplay

No Vaseline that’s word to O’Shea

 

How it feel to be violated

How it feel to have your whole hole dialated

Uncap a flask’o Tabasco in you’re a****** and pour it

And tell the damn internet you was asking for it

 

Used to play tight end every season

now you’re leakin

I’m stomping on your prolapse with your own cleats on

*The shoe’s on the otherfoot *

Yelling hut hut hike while you beg for your life

Sever your head and then i spike

 

Y que? See what you get for bein’ cliché

Same stories we gotta read each day?

“Tiny town acts shocked that their jock’s a child raper”

Fedex your left nut to Obama and tell him it was Al Quaeda.

 

Next we headed to your sister’s house

Clockwork orange her eyes and then s*** in her mouth.

You and all your girlfriends made a contest:

who could make the victim kill herself first.

 

Queen of the school with your twitter lynch mob

Fuck a rim job douche wad – take the whole pinched log

Like to dish it out but taking it is new to ya

As are my corn kernels tickling your uvula

 

Now tell me how that dook taste?

Leave her with a used face and a empty tube of

toothpaste.

 

*honk honk*

finally our friends roll up

Dragging the DA behind his own Benz, doing do

Nuts  Goon wouldn’t  bring a case, now he’s

Catchin garden gnomes to the face.

 

Perpetrator’s own tape is  insufficient evidence

You’re working for his family, I guess it’s just coincidence

Charges was dropped , its even shockin’ the cops,

That’s why we makin’ anonymous plots

 

It’s a small town so it wasn’t hard to  find him on a  Bender

Drinking with the coach and the public defender.

Caught him in the john when he passed out,

now he’s  f****** up your dad’s lawn with his ass out.

 

Gotta drive fast out because the cops coming.

Small town Merikuh: one mile and running.

All this murder was just a precursor

Like Eazy said, s***’s about to get WORSER.

 

*They’re trying to destroy our bright young future

Over just a little misunderstanding.*

 

 

Now it’s time for the boss, we all gonna level up

After we shoot this devil up.

 

(Gangstalicious sample: eff grand-dad!!!)

 

the unofficial Mayor, the rapist saver

the shady deal maker, behind closed doors

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”

we about to scratch with some Wolverine claws

 

Cutting right through ya like a mutant superhero

turn a crooked prosecutor, into human prosciutto

We don’t care about your gold coins and net worth

We’re here to f*** up your Old Boys’ network.

 

Stash the benz in the woods by the mansion

Carry the DA ‘cause his legs been smashed in

 

Oh s***!

 

The cops tipped him off, the door is all locked

Coach in the foyer with his shotgun cocked

 

Turn to go back and then the trap closes

Sirens, behind us, we attracting mo’ fuzz.

Out of time! why’d we do so many donuts??

But Right before they scope us, a side window opens

Boss’ own maid just saved our a**

 

We know the reason why, we won’t waste time to ask.

Word to Ice-T, and Coach just might be

drunk as hell,   yelling the f**-word

he means business – even turned his cap backwards

 

yelling through the door he gonna let the Moss spray

not even knowing, we’re behind him like Sasuke

when we tap his Shoul-dah the look on Hoss’ face

like someone hit an osprey with a hot plate!

 

But we got no time for raptor slapstick

these cops gonna capture our a** quick.

Taser to the head, bitch! Shotty, repossess this   Tell the

Fuzz we ain’t here, or the Moustache gets it!

 

Pale as snow, but he does what he’s told,

Through the door crack pop-pop says he’s alone,

The fuzz rockets off, and now it’s game on

Get these Dockers off; gimp masks and duct tape on

 

F*** no I don’t want a golf membership or a Maybach.

I want some f***** payback

Don’t want the neighbors to hear the screams.

So Turn up Django on your big screen

 

Have a private party in your elegant rec room

Sports awards, bibles, flags and heirlooms.

 

Don’t forget these nice  framed pictures! Pop-pop

With the coach and police chief with ya

Wearing ball gowns at the Masonic ritual

Bet the victims’ attourney took the picture too.

 

Treatin’ this town like your private empire

Anyone who doesn’t go along, gets fired

Protect the insider and punish the outsider

We’re exposing your fraud, Mrs. Doubtfire

 

But I aint gonna violate you

Gun to his head, make your own man rape you

You down with that ain’t you? It’s only common sense

You told the papers rape doesn’t have consequence.

 

Your bottyhole got to make a decision:

this aged grey d*** in? or this AK clip in?

Any way you slice it you hype for some anal play

“you ever had your s*** pushed in?”

this  your training day.

 

Serbian torture : Slobidan milosovic

Now you’re slobbin on lots o’ d***

This town built on insider dealing and collusion

Now he’s inside you for real, knocking dentures loose, an’

While you’re on the carpet canoodling

We’re steady yelling “KEEP IT IN THE COMMUNITY!”

 

You let the douche free,  dropping the case

And hound the victim family right out of the place

Thought you could plot an escape from this rotten disgrace

Now an old man’s boner just popped in your face!

 

Destroy a kid’s life just for f******* with your team sports.

How dare she lower the morale and the mean scores?

 

Small town values, you gotta love it

Something something something buttocks

Shove a football trophy right up it

And charge you with Bowel Obstruction of Justice.

 

Now you’re begging to stop

Now you say it’s assault

Now a bleeding rectum is a negative fault

Now you want a time out,    a flag on the play

Now you stop your joking about f****** and aids.

 

Now you know what “No” means

Even though we  ignore-ing

We’re just kids being kids! Get over it! Sorry!

 

Look on the bright side: you won’t need an abortion

We don’t endorse that, this gay rape is Christian.

Now smile for the camera: you’re going to be famous

Make you lip-synch nude to Tori Amos

 

While impaled on a pylon crying,

And mail the whole thing to Chiron Rising

Who got  half the mercy of a Cylon Viking?

 

Psyche! Don’t fret, we’re not some damn animals

We ain’t done yet, we’re not gonna abandon you

To freeze in the cold, or bleed in the snow,

F*** that We’ll make sure you’re six deep in a hole

 

Or Under sea with the soles, buried sneakily bold

Like at a peepshow right beneath the main pole

Maybe some emus have eaten your bones

So if the Feds can’t find ‘em with frequent patrols

 

Don’t axe me, I don’t know where the remains went

Maybe under a basement or a tree in a grove

Maybe the location is somewhere more horrible

Did you check the foundation of the Hoffa memorial?

2 comments

tokyo events in October

1) Sunday Cocktober 27, tokyo big sight, 10 am – 3 pm

hard-gay manga event YARO FEST @ tokyo big sight. That’s right: not BL but actual gay comics by gays.  The emphasis seems to be on “indie” comics, not “maninstream”.  YARO FEST is part of a larger hentai comics event called COMIC CITY SPARK 8, but I don’t know what other “specialities” are represented at COMIC CITY; I’m just going for the dudes.

2) Saturday and Sunday October 12 and 13 : CHOCOLATE CHIWAWA 15TH ANIVERSARY!

Store opens around 1PM, and stays open til 10ish.

Chocolate Chiwawa is a used clothes store for drag queens and burlesque dancers and used-clothes fiends; it’s also sort of a fixture of the Kouenji underground, and it’s having a 15th aniversary sale/party. It’s the sort of place where you don’t just go to shop, you go to meet other oddballs and hang out. So even if you’re not a drag queen or stripper, you should come and support it.

The owner , Suma-Q, is one of my best friends in tokyo, and you can read my interview with her HERE.

3)  Sunday October 20 in  Meiji Kouen (nearest station is Sendagaya , on the chuo/sobu line):  NATIONAL PROTEST AGAINST BULLSHIT EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES FOR YOUNG PEOPLE THESE DAMN DAYS!

Booths and festival starts at 11 AM, speeches and rallies start at 1PM, then there will be a march.

This is supposed to be a giant protest of young people who feel shut out of the steady-paycheck  job market that older generations enjoyed,  and exploited/preyed upon by giant temping corporations, living paycheck to paycheck, can be laid off at any time, etc.   Also, they are protesting the TPP treaty, the lack of daycare/maternity leave for working mothers,  rising education costs, Abenomics, and the increasing numbers of youth forced to work in semi-illegal un-regulated and un-safe “black market” jobs.

Apparently they do not have a website.  The event, if you want to look it up in Japanese, is called 全国青年大集会2013.

If you want to go to any of these, drop me a line in the comments.

 

 

 

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music scandals

Just once in my life I’d like to see a “music scandal” that actually WAS ABOUT MUSIC.  “Miley Cyrus’ new song is all in 13 / 7 polyrhythms. . . and it’s 27 minutes long!”  “ASAP Ricky’s new song only uses a jaw harp and musical saw, nothing else!” “Lady Gaga’s new song consists entirely of samples from Youtubes of crimes used in courtroom proceedings. . .AND it’s 19 BPM.”  To me, THOSE qualify as “music scandals.”  But in our dumb media world, the more “shocking” the performer is, the more conservative and middle of the road their song is. Garun-fucking-teed.

Compare with Stravinsky: when he debuted Rites of Spring, there was a full-on riot in the classical music venue.  Like for real, old white Euro dudes in tuxedos all punching each other in the monocles, old white ladies all choking each other out with their own pearl necklaces and shit. That is a funny visual, but if you think about it, AT LEAST THEY CARED ABOUT THE MUSIC.

And isn’t it pathetic how predicatable “scandals” are? For guys:  drugs! Groupies! Arrests at Customs!  For ladies: sideboob OMG!  Makes me nostalgic for the ‘80s when you’d have a scandal like TITLE OF SONG IS A DOUBLE MEANING or  PRINCE SAID A CUSS.

Let’s face it: the entire, ritualized world of media scandals is less than 1% of ACTUAL shady  showbiz behavior, so why should the audience settle for that year after year?!? The REAL rock/showbiz scandals are the ones THEY NEVER TALK ABOUT.

 

How about a ROLLING STONE-type magazine that dealt with the REAL rock-stars of the industry:

The Crooked showbiz lawyers, bootleggers, managers, record label people. . . and the massive industry-wide organized-crime presence that makes it all possible.

Articles like: “top 10 record labels which only exist in order to launder drug profits (with full-color pie charts of where the money goes!”

Or: “Can You Match the Label (or promotion company, management company ,etc) With The “Family” of their “Secret Investor? (answers on page 95!!)”

You could have a pull-out section: real-estate ads listing foreclosed former MTV cribs.

Instead of TOP TEN HIGHEST-SELLING SONGS, you’d have TOP TEN HIGHEST-GROSSING SCAMS. Like:

“Guess Which Of Your Favorite Stars Doesn’t Own Any of Their Own Songs? (special bonus round: Guess Which Of Your Favorite Stars Didn’t WRITE Any of Their Own Songs?)”

Cult leaders! Complete with before-and-after photos (before: saffron robes, giant beard, holy pious expression. After: snorting coke off of a tax-shelter lawyer’s ass, wearing Oakleys, yelling “Can you fucking BELIEVE how much cash I got off of  Don Henley?!?!? Hey Don! Just keep chanting, buddy! Hahahaha!!! You’re almost there!!! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA *snort*”)

Accountants:  “I not only screwed the band, but I kept it hidden from the much more expensive accountants that the record label hired to double-check on me! (Part 5 of 6)”

Drug dealers : “I Got A Yacht Named Eminem And A  Hovercraft Named DMX, And  I Can’t Even Rhyme”

Do a weekly Label Executive Irony Challenge:  Mr. “I bought controlling interest in a shotgun company with royalties I scammed from Nirvana” vs Ms. “Stealing the rights to Pink Floyd’s WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION paid for my daughter’s entire tuition at Harvard”. Who will win?  (Answer:  Ms. Pink Floyd, because her daughter majored in copyright law).

This Week’s 5 Most Outrageous Nuisance Lawsuits (and how much the stars settled out-of-court for!) (“Calling Kanye A ‘Tardbanger’ Bought Me This Dune Buggy!”)

“the 10 Cheapest-payola DJs . . . AND the 10 most overpriced ratings-fixers”

“the ten most mobbed-up clubs in Louisiana”.

“ten promoters that have not paid any band since 1994”

And my personal favorite category of scumbag: The sketchy relatives-of-relatives-of-relatives that crawl out the woodwork as soon as someone gets that first million. The Sketchy Relative is a huge part of showbiz folklore that never gets the attention they deserve – they always have some ridiculous business idea that “just needs a little start-up capital, garunteed double your money back.”  The funny part is, these scams are probably way more creative and original than the newly-rich Star’s music or movies or whatever!! For example: “A store where you punch chickens in the face” “like walmart but everything is made from alligators” “a line of tire-repair shops where bikini girls run a bingo game while you wait.” “FUCKING PRIME real estate on the river, dude! They’re going to run a freeway through there, build a derpity derp. Property values THROUGH THE ROOF my man! You’re lucky I’m even cutting you in on this deal!” Like, who do you think put more thought and effort into their hustle?  the scumbag  who has a “can’t miss idea for donuts with a fried egg in the middle” or the Star , writing lyrics for her new hit “Grind That Buttock (on the Dance Floor)”????

 

And it goes without saying that these articles would not be written  in a Steve-Albini-Fuck-The-Industry-Expose-Their-Fucking-LIES type way. This magazine would treat the scammers AS IF THEY WERE THE REAL ROCK STARS. Totally kissing their ass and promoting them as huge role models.  “Is it true that Stone Temple Pilots were begging you to stay even after you embezzeled all their tour money?” “How are you investing your Rhianna windfall? Any stock tips?” “Where are the offshore tax havens you’d recommend for next year?”

 

Instead of some handsome rock star surrounded by models, they photo shoot some pasty geek on the beach in his hideout in Bermuda, surrounded by spreadsheets. Total MTV CRIBS style.  “This is where the magic happens *points to stack of contracts with Page 29, Paragraph 3, Section 2a highlighted*”  “Here’s my garage with 4 cars that Sting paid for after knocking me up. Thanks, Sting!”

(insert random Gene Simmons quote where he talks like he is explaining the world to some dumb interviewer, then for contrast: insert a corresponding quote from the ACTUALLY smart guy who stole $4,000,000 of Simmons’ money while Simmons was face-down in a pile of drugs)

4 comments

Mexico