Tokyo Damage Report

tokyo events in October

1) Sunday Cocktober 27, tokyo big sight, 10 am – 3 pm

hard-gay manga event YARO FEST @ tokyo big sight. That’s right: not BL but actual gay comics by gays.  The emphasis seems to be on “indie” comics, not “maninstream”.  YARO FEST is part of a larger hentai comics event called COMIC CITY SPARK 8, but I don’t know what other “specialities” are represented at COMIC CITY; I’m just going for the dudes.

2) Saturday and Sunday October 12 and 13 : CHOCOLATE CHIWAWA 15TH ANIVERSARY!

Store opens around 1PM, and stays open til 10ish.

Chocolate Chiwawa is a used clothes store for drag queens and burlesque dancers and used-clothes fiends; it’s also sort of a fixture of the Kouenji underground, and it’s having a 15th aniversary sale/party. It’s the sort of place where you don’t just go to shop, you go to meet other oddballs and hang out. So even if you’re not a drag queen or stripper, you should come and support it.

The owner , Suma-Q, is one of my best friends in tokyo, and you can read my interview with her HERE.

3)  Sunday October 20 in  Meiji Kouen (nearest station is Sendagaya , on the chuo/sobu line):  NATIONAL PROTEST AGAINST BULLSHIT EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES FOR YOUNG PEOPLE THESE DAMN DAYS!

Booths and festival starts at 11 AM, speeches and rallies start at 1PM, then there will be a march.

This is supposed to be a giant protest of young people who feel shut out of the steady-paycheck  job market that older generations enjoyed,  and exploited/preyed upon by giant temping corporations, living paycheck to paycheck, can be laid off at any time, etc.   Also, they are protesting the TPP treaty, the lack of daycare/maternity leave for working mothers,  rising education costs, Abenomics, and the increasing numbers of youth forced to work in semi-illegal un-regulated and un-safe “black market” jobs.

Apparently they do not have a website.  The event, if you want to look it up in Japanese, is called 全国青年大集会2013.

If you want to go to any of these, drop me a line in the comments.

 

 

 

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music scandals

Just once in my life I’d like to see a “music scandal” that actually WAS ABOUT MUSIC.  “Miley Cyrus’ new song is all in 13 / 7 polyrhythms. . . and it’s 27 minutes long!”  “ASAP Ricky’s new song only uses a jaw harp and musical saw, nothing else!” “Lady Gaga’s new song consists entirely of samples from Youtubes of crimes used in courtroom proceedings. . .AND it’s 19 BPM.”  To me, THOSE qualify as “music scandals.”  But in our dumb media world, the more “shocking” the performer is, the more conservative and middle of the road their song is. Garun-fucking-teed.

Compare with Stravinsky: when he debuted Rites of Spring, there was a full-on riot in the classical music venue.  Like for real, old white Euro dudes in tuxedos all punching each other in the monocles, old white ladies all choking each other out with their own pearl necklaces and shit. That is a funny visual, but if you think about it, AT LEAST THEY CARED ABOUT THE MUSIC.

And isn’t it pathetic how predicatable “scandals” are? For guys:  drugs! Groupies! Arrests at Customs!  For ladies: sideboob OMG!  Makes me nostalgic for the ‘80s when you’d have a scandal like TITLE OF SONG IS A DOUBLE MEANING or  PRINCE SAID A CUSS.

Let’s face it: the entire, ritualized world of media scandals is less than 1% of ACTUAL shady  showbiz behavior, so why should the audience settle for that year after year?!? The REAL rock/showbiz scandals are the ones THEY NEVER TALK ABOUT.

 

How about a ROLLING STONE-type magazine that dealt with the REAL rock-stars of the industry:

The Crooked showbiz lawyers, bootleggers, managers, record label people. . . and the massive industry-wide organized-crime presence that makes it all possible.

Articles like: “top 10 record labels which only exist in order to launder drug profits (with full-color pie charts of where the money goes!”

Or: “Can You Match the Label (or promotion company, management company ,etc) With The “Family” of their “Secret Investor? (answers on page 95!!)”

You could have a pull-out section: real-estate ads listing foreclosed former MTV cribs.

Instead of TOP TEN HIGHEST-SELLING SONGS, you’d have TOP TEN HIGHEST-GROSSING SCAMS. Like:

“Guess Which Of Your Favorite Stars Doesn’t Own Any of Their Own Songs? (special bonus round: Guess Which Of Your Favorite Stars Didn’t WRITE Any of Their Own Songs?)”

Cult leaders! Complete with before-and-after photos (before: saffron robes, giant beard, holy pious expression. After: snorting coke off of a tax-shelter lawyer’s ass, wearing Oakleys, yelling “Can you fucking BELIEVE how much cash I got off of  Don Henley?!?!? Hey Don! Just keep chanting, buddy! Hahahaha!!! You’re almost there!!! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA *snort*”)

Accountants:  “I not only screwed the band, but I kept it hidden from the much more expensive accountants that the record label hired to double-check on me! (Part 5 of 6)”

Drug dealers : “I Got A Yacht Named Eminem And A  Hovercraft Named DMX, And  I Can’t Even Rhyme”

Do a weekly Label Executive Irony Challenge:  Mr. “I bought controlling interest in a shotgun company with royalties I scammed from Nirvana” vs Ms. “Stealing the rights to Pink Floyd’s WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION paid for my daughter’s entire tuition at Harvard”. Who will win?  (Answer:  Ms. Pink Floyd, because her daughter majored in copyright law).

This Week’s 5 Most Outrageous Nuisance Lawsuits (and how much the stars settled out-of-court for!) (“Calling Kanye A ‘Tardbanger’ Bought Me This Dune Buggy!”)

“the 10 Cheapest-payola DJs . . . AND the 10 most overpriced ratings-fixers”

“the ten most mobbed-up clubs in Louisiana”.

“ten promoters that have not paid any band since 1994”

And my personal favorite category of scumbag: The sketchy relatives-of-relatives-of-relatives that crawl out the woodwork as soon as someone gets that first million. The Sketchy Relative is a huge part of showbiz folklore that never gets the attention they deserve – they always have some ridiculous business idea that “just needs a little start-up capital, garunteed double your money back.”  The funny part is, these scams are probably way more creative and original than the newly-rich Star’s music or movies or whatever!! For example: “A store where you punch chickens in the face” “like walmart but everything is made from alligators” “a line of tire-repair shops where bikini girls run a bingo game while you wait.” “FUCKING PRIME real estate on the river, dude! They’re going to run a freeway through there, build a derpity derp. Property values THROUGH THE ROOF my man! You’re lucky I’m even cutting you in on this deal!” Like, who do you think put more thought and effort into their hustle?  the scumbag  who has a “can’t miss idea for donuts with a fried egg in the middle” or the Star , writing lyrics for her new hit “Grind That Buttock (on the Dance Floor)”????

 

And it goes without saying that these articles would not be written  in a Steve-Albini-Fuck-The-Industry-Expose-Their-Fucking-LIES type way. This magazine would treat the scammers AS IF THEY WERE THE REAL ROCK STARS. Totally kissing their ass and promoting them as huge role models.  “Is it true that Stone Temple Pilots were begging you to stay even after you embezzeled all their tour money?” “How are you investing your Rhianna windfall? Any stock tips?” “Where are the offshore tax havens you’d recommend for next year?”

 

Instead of some handsome rock star surrounded by models, they photo shoot some pasty geek on the beach in his hideout in Bermuda, surrounded by spreadsheets. Total MTV CRIBS style.  “This is where the magic happens *points to stack of contracts with Page 29, Paragraph 3, Section 2a highlighted*”  “Here’s my garage with 4 cars that Sting paid for after knocking me up. Thanks, Sting!”

(insert random Gene Simmons quote where he talks like he is explaining the world to some dumb interviewer, then for contrast: insert a corresponding quote from the ACTUALLY smart guy who stole $4,000,000 of Simmons’ money while Simmons was face-down in a pile of drugs)

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Spiritual!

Spiritual:

 

It’s not a word I like. It kind of implies that we have souls.  Bullshit. When you die you go in the dirt and you’re worm food and that’s all there is to it.  But that just means you should fight HARDER in life  while you’re still alive.

 

Sure spiritual is a shitty term but the alternative is to give up without a fight, to surrender to all these Thomas friedman assholes who think that anything that can’t be quantified and ranked is worthless, that the logic of the marketplace should dominate all our moral reasoning and permeate every single area of our lives.

 

I mean, if you have a dumb job, but live in beautiful nature with a community of people who care about you and support your struggle, and then that gets taken away and you’re living in a strip mall full of dirty concrete and wendys and jiffy-lubes for mile after mile amidst a bunch of strangers who don’t give a fuck about you, and everyone blames themselves for being in debt, and fights over the crumbs. . . .that doesn’t show up on any accountant’s balance sheet. That doesn’t show up in GDP or any of the other yardsticks that The Man uses to measure success or failure. So on what basis do we all instinctively agree that one situation is better than the other?  Spiritual shit is what.  What else would you call it?

 

Living in a shithole town with no stimulation and only chain stores, living without community, fighting battles yourself just to stay afloat (while the elites are all very well coordinated against you, making deals in places you’ll never even see), that is spiritually fucked. People who have grown up knowing nothing else can’t imagine another future for themselves or if you ask them to try they say it’s gay or pussy.  Their whole imagination got killed off. Those brain cells and connections never developed when they were young. That is a sort of spiritual violence that can’t be measured but it’s real.

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ethnic and gender studies courses at universities

BOTH the pro- and the anti- factions share this unspoken assumption that ethnic/gender studies is a kind of penance. (Which is funny because the pro- people generally shudder at the oppression of organized religion and etc. )

Here’s how the unspoken assumption works: the pro- people figure, “Hey I am one of the good people (gender or ethnic minorities) so why should I have to take studies courses in OTHER PEOPLES’ stuff? Why should I do penance when I am the victim?”  Meanwhile the anti- people (men or white women) say, “I don’t want to take any ethnic/gender courses because they’ll just yell at me and make me feel bad. Why should I do penance if I’m not required to?”

 

Both miss the point.

 

These courses should be advertised to students, and taught, not as penance, but as a set of practical tools and techniques to achieve success in adult life. Just like “corporate” majors such as MBAs or programming.

 

The fact that BOTH pro- and anti- people are UNITED in face-palming after reading that, just proves how fucked up our attitudes towards ethnic/gender studies are.

 

Let me explain what I mean:

 

After you graduate, your room-mates, your boss at work, your future in-laws, your landlords, your clients at work. . . pretty much all of them at one time or another are going to be DIFFERENT FROM YOU. And they will have THE POWER TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE. Even if you’re a white male heterosexual. This is true whether you’re working in a hipster coffee shop or a high-powered law firm. It’s true whether you’re a pottery major or a finance major. It’s true whether you’re a straight white man or a Latina lesbian.  You have to learn how to get along with different people.  You don’t have to learn every little thing about their culture or that their culture is better than your culture or whatever, but you should know enough to make small talk with them without putting your foot in your fucking mouth and jeopardizing your marriage/job/rental apartment.

 

Even if you’re a white man, you can get way farther in business if you impress your boss and clients that way.  And just because you’re a Latina lesbian, you can still inadvertently offend your future Chinese boss or your future Nigerian mother-in-law or your whatever whatever.  If you’re ignorant, you can piss them off just as much as a white man can.

 

These are practical skills. And  unlike “corporate” or “technical” skills, (or Medieval English Lit / Postmodern Art theory majors too for that mater), the skills from gender/ethnic studies  are  transferable to ALL careers.  So therefore they should be required of all students.   Maybe it’s different but when I was in college in the late ’80s (?!?) ethnic/gender studies was something you majored in. So you had 90% of the students not giving a shit, and 10% that were garunteed to have no jobs after graduation, which is a distinctly weird idea of “empowerment.”

 

One of the OTHER things that both the pro-and anti- sides tend to overlook:  since these courses are a form of technical training, you’re SUPPOSED to make mistakes. Like say you were taking math, if you wanted to get good at it, every semester you’d take harder courses, courses that you could barely barely pass, and you’d probably get like 20% of the answers wrong, even more at the beginning of the semester.  That doesn’t mean you’re a shitty mathematician, it means that you’re pushing yourself to the limits of your ability. If you’re in your third semester and still doing long division just because you’re terrified of making any mistakes, you’re not a perfectionist, you’re a fuckup and no one will hire you to do their math.

 

This seems so obvious it doesn’t even bear writing down. . . except that in gender/ethnic studies the assumptions are the opposite!

 

If you make even one mistake, you can get a reputation for being a racist/sexist/homophobe and that reputation can follow you until you graduate or drop out.  That’s not the fucking way to teach people to push their intellectual limits.  Not only that, it gives students a huge incentive to not even talk to those in different groups, which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the programs should be doing!

 

In fact, at my school (University of California Santa Cruz), here is a thing that actually happened. The administration was faced with a problem: “Students of color have higher drop-out rates, which is probably because they are surrounded by whites and they don’t have a lot of role models/support from students of their same race, and subconsciously this makes them feel they don’t belong here.”

 

The administration’s solution?  “For their own good we’ll encourage them to sleep in racially segregated dormitories.” I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

 

Another example: at UCSC there were 12 different dorm areas (‘campuses’) each with their own theme. Our campus’s theme was “multi-culturalism”.  You’d think that ours would therefore of been the most popular party-campus at UCSC:  Cinco de Mayo, St. Paddy’s day, Chinese New Year,  Russian Get Drunk Day (M-Su),  . . . but in fact, nobody from other campuses ever came to party here. Even people living here didn’t want to party here.  Because multi-culturalism was taught as a form of penance!  It wasn’t like, “Here’s a place where you can get burritos, injira, chana masala, AND won tons! At the same cafeteria! Fuck eating at MY campus, I’m gonna go to Schultz’ multi-cultural cafeteria!” it was more like, “We have 20 different flavors of EAT YOUR BROCCOLI IT IS GOOD FOR YOU.”

 

So counterproductive.

 

The measure of success of ethnic/gender studies programs should be “are the students talking and interacting with students from other groups more than when they first arrived at university?”  But all too often the training just makes you want to avoid other groups lest you offend. The penance-based, study-only-your-own-group training is not just bad from a  racist-white-male perspective, it also hinders oppressed minorities from uniting against The Man.

 

When teachers are creating ethnic/gender studies classes, Instead of thinking of “prejudice and unfairness are outrageous, so therefore how much outrage can we pack into one hour’s class?”, why not start with the goal:  “let’s combat prejudice by making the students feel comfortable and respectful talking to people in other groups EVEN OUTSIDE OF CLASS, FOR FUN.”  And then proceed to work backwards from that goal,  designing the curriculum by asking “what can we do an hour a day in class to achieve that?”

 

Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, he’s a straight white man, so naturally he wants to de-emphasize the “teach the worst atrocities of history and then assign blame” aspect of ethnic/gender studies”. “  But according to Political Correctness, in a society where straight white male is the norm, the oppressed minorities pretty much HAVE to learn to talk to people like me just as a part of growing up, but people like me don’t have to learn to talk to others (it is part of our privilege).  So when I am proposing a small-talk and discussion-with-strangers-based curicculum (however you spell it), I am  actually proposing something that will be more difficult for people like me, something where non-white-males would have a built-in advantage. And as a socially awkward nerd who can’t even get along with the white middle-class kids in my high school, I’m sure I would have been terrified of this curriculum, but I’m also pretty sure I would have emerged a better person.

 

Teachers should say, “Look, you’re going to spend fully half of class time making small talk with people you’d never talk to ordinarily. you’re going to irritate people without meaning to. You’re going to have some awkward silences. If you’re not putting your foot in your mouth once a week, then you’re still doing long division when everyone else is doing calculus. If you’re not a white male, you don’t have to practice talking to white males more than you already have to, instead you should talk to folks in groups you have never interacted with before, where you can be the insensitive one.”

 

It should be OK to fuck up provided that you learn from it.  Just like, I don’t know, every other area of education?!?  There would have to be some mechanism for kids to judge whether an “offense” was based on racial/gender ignorance/bias, or whether the “offense” was purely personal.  Actually even adults have no way to do this so maybe never mind.

 

Of course other  steps can be taken to minimize the hurt feelings before they start. Like at the beginning of the semester all the students can write down the top 10 cliché things people outside of their group say that pisses them off or patronizes them, and those can be aggregated, and the aggregated lists can simply be passed out to the students, or used as fodder for simple role-playing skits done in front of the class, etc.

 

Also probably a good idea:  role-playing skits where you pretend to be an adult in the real world, making small talk with your boss or in-law, or going out to a business dinner with a potential client, applying for a bank loan, chattering with your next-door neighbor, who is from a different group but who also has power over you.  The problem is where would you find the people to play the adult roles? You couldn’t really have your Chicano teacher play all the minority roles, and you couldn’t have the students convincingly play adult roles.  They should hire the fucking townies. Oh my god that would be traumatic!  Let’s do it!

 

While we’re at it,  let’s make “working class” one of the official groups.  Let’s get upper middle class white girls and Asians to be able to comfortably communicate with droopy-stached mechanics.  Let’s get upper-middle class theory-driven communist students to comfortably communicate with droopy-stached mechanics too.  See how that goes!  I mean if the point is to make you a well-rounded adult who can get along with all the people you have to get along with in the future, to cut down on awkwardness and unintentional patronizing/offense, of course laborers and mechanics would qualify as a group alongside the established groups.

 

Like I said before, the goal should be a sort of shallow knowledge of a dozen cultures, trying to cover the basics of small talk with future neighbors/housemates/spouses/in-laws/bosses/co-workers/landlords/work clients.  What to say, what not to say, top 10 typical awkward moments, etc. It’s also important to learn people’s culture, not just the atrocities. Not just their holidays or favorite food, but just  the WAY different groups talk, the different rhythms of conversation.

 

Most ethnic/gender conversations at my university all had to do with really heavy shit and blame for same. Again with the idea that “these courses are penance for sins.”  Of course the conversations degenerated into petty arguments that went nowhere.

 

I’m not saying we should avoid teaching the truth about horrible things white men have done/are doing. Just, have some fucking common sense. If students aren’t comfortable even making small talk with different types of people, you want to plunge them straight into the Tuskegee experiment and gang-rape?!?  Of course they’re going to wind up more divided than ever.

 

First of all, teach kids how to talk about non-controversial stuff. Let the white kids know that their future boss is going to be non-white, and what that feels like . . . and let the oppressed minority students know how easy it is to offend OTHER minorities, and what it feels like to be on that end of the equation . . . . and once everyone understands each others’ basic humanity, once you can talk about normal stuff without offending, THEN shift to the heavy stuff.  Just writing this now it seems so fucking obvious. Why is this not the way it’s done?

 

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’70s punk humor

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type two gender fouls

There’s typical “gender fouls” like “Men who don’t like sports or cars” or “women who don’t like babies or armpit shaving.”  If you’re one of these, people make you feel less than a man/woman.  But what I’ve noticed recently is there is a HIDDEN ASYMMETRY in gender fouls. A whole second level of unfairness that is hidden until now simply because there is not a word for it.  What we normally think of as “gender fouls”, are actually two different things.    There’s the normal type of gender foul like i mentioned up above. Let’s call those TYPE ONE.

For my money, though,  the more interesting gender fouls are things that mark you as a loser, a failure as a man/woman , EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WHICH ONLY YOUR GENDER DOES.  When you think about it, that’s pretty weird.  I guess you can resolve the contradiction by saying:  “99% of men don’t do XYZ, but 99% of people who do XYZ are men.”

 

Let’s call these activities TYPE TWO GENDER FOULS.

For example, even though collecting star wars figurines is something that only guys do, we don’t think of that as “manly” in the way that football/cars are.    (I’m not trying to make the case that Star Wars collecting is manly or awesome.  If anything, admitting that you care about sports/cars should be just as embarrassing as admitting you have a closet full of mint toys. But that’s beside the point. )

It’s hard to think clearly about TYPE TWO GENDER FOULS because it’s not symmetrical.

And by “not symmetrical”, I mean, there are plenty of women into science or role-playing games or whatever, but if you’re a woman and you’re into “geek” stuff like engineering, programming, astronomy . . . that’s a type ONE gender foul:  you’re acting too “masculine.” But if you’re a guy and into that stuff, it’s a type TWO gender foul:  it’s not masculine ENOUGH.  Makes your head hurt just thinking about it.

 

Put another way, most of what we think of as “women gender fouls” are TYPE ONE (some variation on ‘you’re doing guy stuff or not caring enough about girl stuff so you are less of a woman’). That’s why I had to write this rant, to try to give a way to think about TYPE TWO fouls. Until now there really has been no way to think about or talk about it. And even though I’m throwing down a theoretical framework for discussing it,  at the end of the day, I’m a guy and I have no idea what a female TYPE TWO might be!

So here goes my question to everyone: What’s the embarrassing stuff that meets the definition of: “99% of women don’t do XYZ but 99% of the people who do XYZ are women?”

For example, there is this stereotype that women collect shoes.  Is there any amount of shoe collecting large enough that  the woman would get made fun of like a guy with a huge collection of  comic books?  Or are shoe collections more like football and cars, where no matter how obsessive it gets it’s never a gender foul?

And being obsessed with aromatherapy or scented bath candle collecting!  Are those type two gender fouls?  I know it’s mostly women who do that, but are they seen as “less of a woman” if they get down like that?  What about living alone with 3 cats? Or just one cat?  Or reading romance novels?  Is “chick lit” OK but old-school Fabio books something you have to hide from your friends?

If you’re a woman or a guy with too many older sisters, can you help me out here? What are some good female type two gender fouls?

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THE BOGOSITY OF THE PROFESSIONAL WIPER

The HELL I just recorded a whole album in 3 weeks.

That's more music than I've made in the last 3 years combined!

Anyway it's up at bandcamp. 
Please let me know what you think!

 

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the new worst band

 

 

I been doing dumb photoshops since before tumblr.

will continue doing them after it is gone.

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missing from the conversation

Exactly how much more is my Wendys going to cost if farmworkers have rights?
Exactly how many more cents is my t-shirt going to cost if Bangladeshi girls are not being murdered? 
And if millions of  workers each had a little more pay to spend, what would they spend it on, and how much would THOSE industries grow?  How much would that stimulate our economy? How much more stuff could WE sell to American farmworkers or Bangladesh?
If economics were not a thoroughly corrupted discipline, there would be a hundred people working on this already. Instead there is 100 people working on how to make derivatives “better”. Another example of how a discipline can be totally corrupt without actually churning out straight-up false research. 
 
Related:
millions of articles about student debt and the rising cost of college,  but not  even one (far as I know) attempt to actually look at the budget of a university, compare it to that same university’s budget in the 60s when it was affordable, and see exactly what things are growing faster than inflation.
 I mean they all have that information archived. And it's not somebody's opinion. it's cut-and-dried facts.
I get that the regents would want to keep that data secret , but nobody on ANY SIDE of this debate even seems to think that that kind of study is important, whereas I think it’s impossible to have any kind of debate without doing that first.
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the banality of Orwellian government: a satire in two acts

Now the FBI is in the headlines trying to get the authority to warrantless wiretap citizens. And the DOJ is bugging the AP. The most SMFH thing about this is not that the government is spying on innocent citizens – we all knew that. The SMFH thing is that  even  this Brave New Cyber 1984 world is chock- full of  banal Dilbert office politics and petty infighting between agencies. Like, it’s not too oppressively Orwellian, it’s oppressively too FAMILIAR.
SCENE: WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM
FBI CHIEF: What? The NSA is monitoring everyone’s phone and email and texts? That’s fucked up Mr. President!  That is a grave injustice, Mr. President! Howcum they get to but we don’t? No fair! The NSA are just total dicks! 
NSA CHIEF:  but  the painstaking legal acrobatics of YOUR  “laughably illegal presidential authorization memo which no one is allowed to see”  authorize slightly different categories of targets than the panstaking legal acrobatics of OUR “laughably illegal presidential authorization memo which no one is allowed to see”, so it would be just TERRIBLE GOVERNMENT OVER-REACH if we let you copy any of our wiretaps.
FBI CHIEF:   You see, Mr. President? You see how he is? Some al Queda guy in a cave knows what “CONTROL+V” means but this guy doesn’t????
*DHS CHIEF ENTERS* But Daaaaddd!!! If the FBI gets to construct a totally redundant and expensive system to monitor the 90-percent-of-the-same emails that the NSA is monitoring, then we have to get our OWN redundant and expensive system! Google said it would be ok, and also FBI are just pricks!  
NSA CHIEF:   You get to do extraordinary renditions and you don’t share, and now you want to copy our thing??? Penis breath!
FBI: Anyway we thought of it first!
DHS: Liar! Butt munch!
OBAMA: Everyone shut the fuck up! Jesus, you kids! OK, you can all have your own expensive, totally redundant, incompatable, and overlapping systems to violate everyone’s civil rights. BUT, you have to subcontract the construction to a bunch of private sector scam-artists, fuckups, and cronies who will jack up the price, while storing all the people’s private data in a shoebox in the middle of the street where any 14 year old Chinese kid can hack it.
FBI: You are firm but fair, sir.


RELATED: what gets me isn’t the Orwellian descent, but the utterly childish, Asperger’s, Calvin-ball nature of the justifications:

Well, OK, the “torture” and “worldwide secret prisons” and the “read-everyone-ever’s-emails” policy and the “assassinate our own citizens based on secret evidence” dealies weren’t voted on by Congress, or, you know,  even made public at all, but it’s so totally allowed because the President paid a lawyer to come in and type up the memos with lots of “whereas”es and “aforementioned”es and “party of the first part”s.  Then we paid a second lawyer to click his heels three times and sprinkle the memos with Constitution Dust while reciting the powerful spell "OHWA TADI KAYAMM".  Did you ever see the part in the Godfather where Brando writes a memo assassinating his enemies? No? That’s because CROOKS DON’T DO THAT. Geez.
And the totally legal-because-of-jargon memos are immediately rushed to a safe in the Pentagon basement which no one is allowed to open. And the secret safe is also situated in the Time-Out Zone on the other side of Cootie City, so it's super super against the rules to even mess with it. But . . . . we printed them on real paper.  If we just copied them on a flash drive which we gave to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that would be tyranny. Duh. And of course you Glenn Greenwald types would have a point if we just printed out ONE copy.  But we printed out MULTIPLE COPIES, and put all the copies in the same safe. This isn’t fucking Syria. Plus the multiple copies are on Magic Human-Rights Paper, we’re bringing in a wizard on Tuesday to laminate them. Just to be on the safe side. We're not taking any of these steps lightly. 
But you wingnuts still aren’t satisfied? I suppose you want us to stop fluoridating the water too?  You think Hologram Tupac killed JFK with time-travel bullets?
*SIGH*
Fine, we’ll let the leaders of the Congressional counterterrorism committee read the assassination memo, but only if they don’t bring pencils, make notes, or consult their own lawyers about the constitutionality of what they read. Also they can’t read odd-numbered pages, and they have to touch the countertop three times everytime they read a verb.  We are a nation of rules and laws here.
5 comments

New Rap Song About NRA

THANK YOU WAYNE

 

 

 

Wayne LaPierre, he ain’t playing fair

High heels, bustier, lingere derriere

His style is suspicious, these violent hypocrites is

Switching up,   playing both sides of the fences


“Gun control is bad, crooks will always get guns”

They should know, because they’re the ones who’s selling to thugs!

Sell a nine to you, Sell a mac to your spouse

A bazooka to the dude who’s a-breaking into your house.

You can get my meaning The NRA’s biting

the hand that’s feeding

They’re laughing at you, after you leave the meeting

they’re calling you a sucker

Saying, if our rank-and-file only knew the real number

Of guns we’ve put in the hands of crooks,

Because of loopholes we put on the books,

All paid for with our members’ dough

Which we take to DC buying hookers and blow

For a scandalous representative from Kansas

Givin’ protection to gunrunners and bandits

And I don’t need heat

to jack for beats

Just a sonar crack and some mp3s

Got these firearms causing higher harm

Than ten nine elevens every year

That’s thirty al quaeda bombs

and it’s not terror

it’s wayne la Pierre

keeping the spotlight off of the real players

like Hi-Point, Bryco, And smith and Wesson,

so kids that’s investin’ get returns on their shares.

And You’ll never hear, all about rea-ALL-co,

100 crimes a year, 100 deadly salvos

All from one store, and thanks to ALEC

The ATF can’t make it public.

So exercise your rights Cap a caribou twice,

hit the range every night But don’t be a chump, 

have a lil self respect now  They shitting down your neck,

 you got a mighty smear you’re looking silly troop

get some tide out and some cheer   So While you wash your ghillie suit, 

just Sing the chorus in your boxers be obnoxious ‘billy dudes


Wayne LaPierre, he ain’t playing fair

High heels, bustier, lingere derriere

His style is suspicious, these violent hypocrites is

Switching up,  playing both sides of the fences


We’re the only way to keep your rights (BULLSHIT!)

It’s communist to compromise (BULLSHIT!)

We give a fuck who lives and dies (BULLSHIT!)

We’re on the law abiding side (BULLSHIT!)


We got a Ouija board direct to John Wayne (BULLSHIT!)

He says freedom and murder is the same (BULLSHIT!)

We only want to keep you safe (BULLSHIT!)

Every single solitary syllable we say is (BULLSHIT!)


And the maker makes em cheap – he says thank you wayne

Knowing the customers are creeps – he says thank you wayne

I buy  20 at a time – I say thank you wayne

When I cross a state line with ‘em - thank you wayne

And sell them to a felon or a nihilist – I say thank you wayne

With no background check because it’s private - I say thank you wayne

If I can sell ‘em to a terrorist - he says thank you wayne

Even selling on the net  - we say thank you wayne

And even though it’s evil yeah, every step’s still legal fair

Right up ‘til your daughter gets put into a wheelchair

thank you wayne , YOU say thank you wayne, YOU say thank you wayne.


Wayne LaPierre, he ain’t playing fair

High heels, bustier, lingere derriere

His style is suspicious, these violent hypocrites is

Switching up,  playing both sides of the fences


But just who is benefittin’

From all of these decisions?

Is it all for the amendment?

Or did the inspiration

Come from the corporations?

With some fishy vested interests

The heads of which are sittin’

On the board you ain’t elected?


I could do 100 bars about the censorship

With a hundred examples loaded in my extended clip


Who’s the

most crooked gun dealers – you ain’t allowed to know that

Common causes of gun deaths – government can’t show that

Which brands crooks buy most - you can’t be told that

If the truth is on your side, why they hold back

those facts? Cus They don’t trust you

 to make up your own mind.

NRA is on whose side?

Is it? the guys who buy the stocks  ,to sell the glocks?

And the special hollow points for killing cops

Is it? the patriots whose whole business model

Is sellin to El Narco? They hit the pinche lotto

Is it?  the gun stores who somehow wind up winning

Every time half their inventory goes missing?

Is it? the undertakers, Is it? the wreath makers

Is it? the Bushmasters sitting on the board of directors?

You’re in the last sector, treated like a heckler

Yet you’re begging them to save you

from the danger they created

And you do as you’re plainly told

Because your brain’s controlled

Who got you in a fuckin’ stranglehold.


Wayne LaPierre, he ain’t playing fair

High heels, bustier, lingere derriere

His style is suspicious, these violent hypocrites is

Switching it up, playing both sides of the fences


You supporting us

But we supporting thugs

So they can get more guns

And now you’re scared as fuck, so . . . .


1 comment

DIBS

 
DIBS – disinformation beurau of scandal.
The so-called “war on whistleblowers” is only the visible prong of a 2-prong strategy. The administration knows that no matter how hard it tries some stuff will eventually leak. To “prepare the battlefield” for future leaks, the DIBS was created: a super-secret beuaru whose only mandate is to think up fake scandals that are WORSE than whatever might possibly be revealed. The benefits are that, when stuff leaks in the future, 1) people won’t even believe it because of prolonged exposure to DIBS’ constant wolf-cries, or else 2) they will believe it but by that point it will seem tame in comparison, so they won’t be outraged.
The real challenges are, of course 1)  to think of scandals which are that bad. And 2) to persuade the media (who are being, as you will recall, harshly intimidated into IGNORING leaks by the first prong above) to run the stories. That’s where the internet comes in!
 
But then you run into the inevitable inter-agency conflicts with DHS, NSA, FBI, and other agencies whose job it is to monitor the internet: the DIBS is so secret, they can’t openly tell the other agencies “Hey, it’s OK, don’t mess with the owner of that site, that’s one of OUR stories.”   Since you can’t openly tell that to DHS, NSA, FBI, etc. it becomes important to create a new sub-agency within DIBS whose job is creating fake cover stories for the fake articles, to fool the other agencies. And naturally that sub-agency’s budget grows exponentially with mission creep, threatening to take over the whole organization, and leading to resentment within the staff.
 
So anyway, from now on when you see some absolutely awful story in the media, you can knowinly smile and say to yourself, “OK, the world is not going to hell, it’s just DIBS doing their thing.”
1 comment

Mexico