Tokyo Damage Report

utopias are hard, dogg



I’ve never seen a right-wing rebuttal to the environmentalist idea of “negative growth.”

Here’s the environmentalists talking; “We’re running out of natural resources and yet all the governments (both communist AND capitalist) PLUS all the corporations are united in saying, ‘We have to produce more every year, we have to grow the corporation/GDP of country or else we are losers.’ So we are wasting our last bits of natural resources making billions of tons of plastic crap that no one even wants, just to pump up the corporate profits and GDP of our overlords.”

And , here’s comedian Doug Stanhope talking;  “They say the job of government is to keep unemployment down. I say the job of government is to make unemployment 100%! Let the fucking machines do the work!”

He’s kidding, but it’s a serious point: technology has allowed one worker to do the work of 10 or even 100 people. Especially in areas like farming where once upon a time 90% of the people in the tribe had to spend all day growing or killing food. Now most of us can live our whole lives and never meet a farmer. So if we as a society can get by with just 3% of the population making enough food, why do the other 97% have to do ANYTHING for a living?


Sure, you’d still need people to do medicine and make houses and transport the food. But still if you added up all the people in America or Europe, I bet that all those jobs aren’t more than 10% of the people. So you’re still looking at a good solid 87% of motherfuckers that have to slave away their whole lives doing unnecessesary shit.


I know there are problems with this simplified and utopian way of thinking. But I’m mad that there are no right-wingers attacking it. It’s like it’s so far off the map they don’t even feel the need to defend themselves.


Hey, normal sellout-ass economists!


What exactly would go wrong if a country’s GDP went down?


What would happen if a corporation’s profits went down one year?


What chain of horrible events would unfold from this?


And is that chain of events automatically happen, like gravity or the speed of light? Or would this chain of bad consequences be avoidable by restructuring the economic system?


It’s like the economists that think about shit like this for a living have no background in ecology and never factor shrinking resources into their equations, and the hippies have no background in economics so they can’t articulate what a negative-growth economy/company might look like or need in order to function.


But to me it’s a fascinating debate.


And if square economists and think tank dongs won’t debate me, fuck it. I’m going to have to attack my OWN theory, just to get the ball rolling;


PROBLEM ONE; who would decide which jobs were bullshit?


I mean, human resources people and “image consultants” and “celebrity makeup artists” and people who spray the nice smell onto the toilet tissue at the TP factory, I think we can all agree that these are bullshit jobs. But what about stuff that I like, like musicians and artists? Aren’t these jobs also un-necessary, compared to farmers, doctors and house builders? (my gut response is, that the whole point of getting rid of jobs is to allow people to work less and enjoy life more, so professional entertainers/actors should lose their jobs but regular people should make their own entertainment and build their skills)


PROBLEM TWO; Why should the people  laid off from bullshit jobs be rewarded with free food and shelter every month, while the people with “real” jobs still have to work their asses off? “Hey, but at least you are doing legitimate work!”

I guess for a lot of  your low-skilled farming/construction jobs you could have people work 2 or 3 months a year, which would give enough time to train them to be semi-skilled workers. But

2a) there would still be a huge amount of labor time wasted, because instead of spending xxx hours training one full-time person, you’d be spending 10xxx hours training 10 part-time people. Hmm. Also,


2b) this still leaves the problem of how to compensate the super-skilled laborers, artisans, jet engine designers, lawyers, surgeons, engineers and etc, who would all have to work full-time, because the training takes years and not many people are qualified anyway.


PROBLEM THREE; if all the folks with bullshit jobs got prematurely retired so that they could lead carefree lives of self-improvement and creativity, that would make a huge increase in demand for books, paint, musical instruments, ceramics, and other “building blocks” of creativity and self-expression. Which would mean that certain OTHER people would have to be rounded up and sent BACK to work to make those things. “Happy retirement! Psyche! Get back to work!”


PROBLEM FOUR; a huge question that is hard to articulate; how would we ensure that the leisure time is “good leisure” (i.e. painting, writing, spending time with family) and not “bad leisure” (boredom, hopelessness, loss of dignity, feeling permanently unemployed, stuck 24/7 with a family you can’t stand, etc?)


PROBLEM FIVE: money! If 87% of the population is not working (or alternatively if everyone works just a few weeks a year) then how do they get the money to pay for necessities? welfare?


I mean if you pay farmers way more than everybody else, to compensate them for having to do work while everyone else is being a poet or fan-fiction-manga draw-er. . . that won’t solve the problem. Here’s why; If you increase their pay tenfold , then they’ll just only grow 10 percent of the crops they grew last year, make the same income they made last year, then take the rest of the year off, and then everyone else will starve. Or if they DID bust ass and make enough food, because lured by the promise of way more money than CEOs and lawyers. . .what would they spend the money on? All the jobs making neclaces and crowns and rolls royces went away.


Also this somehow ties in to the horrifying statistic about how , since the late ‘60s the average American worker’s productivity has gone waaaay up (due to better technology) and yet wages have remained constant or gone down. All the benefits from the productivity have gone to the CEOs and investors, and the skilled laborers got fired and replaced with robots. But they got rehired as burger flippers, who are flipping burgers 3 times as fast as burger flippers did in the ‘60s, so to an economist it’s all the same thing! It’s all good bro!





Here’s some links to a blogger I’ve been following for years, who is convinced 50 years from now there will be no more oil, gas, or electric utilities, and we’ll all be living like covered-wagon pioneers.  It’s not a utopia by any means, but he works out the unforeseen consequences of gov’t policy, and the implications for the future, and  tiny realistic details of how life will be, in a way that I wish more utopia-nerds would.



Since I was a kid reading too much sci-fi, I’ve always believed the true measure of civilization is; “the more civilized a society is, the more free time everyone will have”

Now I’m older and smarter, I realize that this would be a tough sell to poor people of the world, in areas where they want but can’t get jobs, and don’t have the money to enjoy their leisure time, so they spend it being bored and frustrated.
So, first I have to make some theory of how to tell “good leisure” apart from “bad leisure”, and then somehow structure the utopian vision so that it maximizes the former and minimizes the latter. . . and THEN I can start selling it to The Poors in order to bring the revolution.

To start telling good leisure apart from bad, i’m imagining a sort of matrix.
Small matrix. Don’t panic. the top row is RICH, bottom is WORKERS. Left column is unhappy, right is happy. Simple enough.



upper left;
LOUCHE. believe it or not, there are some rich people who ALSO can’t enjoy their leisure because bored and no ambition or creativity, and are so isolated within their own privileged networks it never occurs to them to go new places and try new things. so they just get into some decadent shit to obliterate their crushing soul-lessness.

upper right
people who are rich enough to spend most of the week doing family stuff, creative stuff, meeting with like-minded hobbyists in RL to make communities, civic shit.

lower left;
people who DO have a job but hate it. nuff said. working too much, in order to pay debts and etc.
lower right
they can’t get a job but lack the a) money to enjoy their leisure, and, ironically just like the LOUCHE, they b) they’re kept so segregated, with few opportunities to experience different lifestyles, art-school training, or different places, that they simply lack . . . well, the imagination to think of free fun stuff.  Nobody in Hunters Point is like “Hey fellows, tuesday is free astronomy night at the exploratorium!” pPlus if you’re poor , as they say, ‘you pay with time’, dealing with all the city bureaucracies to obtain food and shelter, penal bullshit., probably a lot of underclass people are busy anyway.
probably there should be a box for people who DO enjoy their jobs, or at least enjoy the work-life balance that their jobs give them. I’ve never met anyone like that, but – devil’s advocate – I’m assuming they’re out there, and probably I should talk to a few of them, if I want to solve the problem of “How do you tell essential workers – doctors, house-builders, farmers, truckers – to keep working when all the non-essential workers (human resources fuckos, junk-mail printers, musicians, people designing 4-color graphics for happy meal packaging, etc) to take a permanent vacation?”

Like I said, utopias are hard.


I am also working on an epic progressive rock tune in 11/7 time on this exact theme.  There will be poor-quality imitation Mellotrons.


Oh, also, here’s more from me about why we need more crackpot utopia theories from random average fuckers.

1 comment

let’s get rid of ideology

building on the whole ‘pope’s round hole’ spiel. . ..
1) Everybody remember the Judean Peoples’ Front, from Life of Brian? (as recent republican squabbling shows, this is not a disease of just the left, although we are much better at it). Compare that to the PC trend of asking would-be feminists, “are you a White Feminist?” – while the same PC activists asking it totally leave racists and women-haters alone. I’m trying to think of how to solve this Judean-Peoples’-Front problem so that both right-wing and left-wing loonies can stop bickering, stop burning out after too many personal attacks, stop feeling back-stabbed and butt-hurt over tiny tiny differences, and get on with their various revolutions. Actually that’s probably going to accelerate the end of the world, but fuck it, let’s make things interesting.

My solution is based on last week’s discussion of HISTORICAL SQUARE PEGS and THE POPE’s ROUND HOLE . . . where I said that everyone’s ideology is NOT a logical party platform, rather it’s a grab-bag of dozens of random, often contradictory positions, beliefs, taboos, and policies. We go along with it because we’ve been told it’s ‘a thing’ and it seems to be popular, and then we work backwards to rationalize connections between the individual beliefs. (i.e. ‘Democrat’ is an ideology, but the individual ‘planks’ or ‘beliefs’ are like, anti-death-penalty, pro-recycling, pro-abortion, pro-welfare, pro-tax, anti-gun, etc.)


This is because ideologies are like languages, they ‘inherit’ tons of spelling and grammar contradictions and exceptions and randomness just by historical accident. . . .like how English has four different sounds for the letter ‘a’, and tons of weird grammar (the plural of fish is NOT ‘fishes’) , just because English is a combination of half-a-dozen incompatible European languages thrown in a blender a thousand years ago. If an ESL student asks “Why do you have an ‘e’ at the end of ‘have’ if you don’t pronounce it?”, There’s no explanation and no point, as Miller says, in looking for one.

Same with ideologies! If you were working from scratch, you’d never put anti-death penalty and pro-abortion together. And what does pro-recycling have to do with anti-gun? Can’t we just recycle all the people we murder and execute?


Here’s a mental exercise in the form of an online game . . . if you’re a web programmer reading this, help me make this a real thing;


A screen, with all the hot issues of the day on it. Just a list and nothing but.
You click a button, and the words ‘pro-‘ or ‘anti-‘ randomly pop into existence before all the issues.
As a player, your job is to construct some  logical, if totally batshit, ideology that CONNECTS TOGETHER all the totally random political ‘planks’ into an internally consistent ‘platform’. It’s surprisingly easy. And it helps encourage lateral thinking, at the same time it helps us see how random our own personal ideologies are. Well, maybe that’s overselling it. It helps us see how random our OPPONENTS’ ideologies are.


Perhaps people in trouble could click to get ‘hints’ in the form of the inspirational-yet-vague abstractions that politicians and religious leaders have always used; words like ‘because god said’ or ‘freedom of choice’ or ‘jobs’ or ‘defense’ or ‘diversity’.


As a ‘reward’ for completing the game, they get to make a NAME for their new, batshit political party, and post the screen-shot for other users’ amusement and/or scoffing.  People could ‘join’ the parties,  as a way to reward users with the most  funny / creative / logical new ideologies.


That’s not my solution to the J.P.F. problem, though. That’s just by way of explaining what i think the roots of the problem ARE;   for any ideology – any -ism, any religion, any party . . .the boundaries are super vague and this leads to feelings of betrayal and butthurt when person A who is a self-described “XXX-ist” meets person B, who is also a self-described “XXX-ist”. . . but then A discovers that B only shares 50% of her specific issues. This classic mistake is because A doesn’t realize that an ideology is made up of literally dozens of individual policies or beliefs. And because many of those are contradictory, even the most hardcore member of the ideology can hold more than , say, 2/3 of the individual beliefs.  It’s naiive and counterproductive to think having the same ideology means that the other fool agrees with you what specific things need to be protested,  in what order of priority, and how they need to be protested.


The reason people DO assume that, is that ideologies are ASSUMED to be logically deduced from unassailable first principles.-  an assumption always encouraged by leaders.  If individual activists really realized that their shit was just a random hodge-podge, then they’d stop assuming that everyone else claiming the same ideology must therefore agree with them. And when I put it like that, it’s harder for me to be mad at people instigating the bickering.


So, my idea is, why not abandon ideologies altogether, and just get together around specific issues?


Well, because then people would get back to dumb inter-group petty fights over HOW TO TACKLE the specific issue. “You want gun manufacturers to use high-tech-fingerprint-activated triggers? But. . .but i thought you were FOR gun control! You traitor! Everyone knows that the ONLY way to get gun control is by lawsuits!”

So, ok, let’s get together around specific solutions to specific issues. This would not only cut down on pointless infighting, but also it would increase the number of people in your group. Think about it- not only would you benefit from people NOT dropping out of activism because they’re disgusted by infighting, but you’d ALSO get a bunch of people from OUTSIDE your normal group who agree with you on this one issue, but never came to meetings before, because they didn’t agree with the rest of your ideology. And by establishing trust with THOSE people, maybe, heaven forbid, they’d come to your OTHER protests (even if they didn’t give a shit, just because a) they trust you now they’ve worked with you, and b) because you trust them and agreed to (sigh!) help with THEIR other boring issues).


Plus and also, since these new groups I’m proposing are based on very specific, limited real-world changes, there would be no time wasted on general cliche rhetoric, no more discussion of saving the whole world or who is more oppressed than whom, no (eeughh) ‘theory’. If you’re going to some meeting to change a specific law by a specific means, you don’t have to agree on anything else or argue about which issue to tackle first and then deal with all the butthurt people who thought THEIR shit should be first, etc. You don’t have to fight about what the inevitable post-revolution paradise should look like – you’re at a fuckin’ meeting about rent control. It’s a way of taking everything back down to earth.


So how to accomplish this?


I’d like to see a REAL social network.  Here’s how that would work.  “Signing up” would consist of 4 steps.

first, choose from a nigh-infinite list of specific issues, or invent your own (which other users could then see).



And then, choose from a sub-menu of specific ways to solve those issues.



Third,  you’d choose how much of a shit you gave (i.e. enough to do a hashtag once a day, enough to go to a physical meeting, or a demo, or get arrested, or ‘anything goes’).



Finally, it would ask how far you’d be willing to travel to meet new activist friends.



And once you were signed up, it would let you know how many people within xxx miles of you gave a shit about your issues.




Put another way, the default expectation is that NOBODY AGREES WITH YOU.



If you are a feminist, or a muslim, or an anarchist, or a racial justice activist, or an oath-keeper, a Patriot, an anti-immigration nut, whatever whatever. It’s not gonna connect you to other people in that ideology – it’ll connect you to  people of ANY ideology who agree with you on how to solve one specific issue. No more bullshit assumptions.  No more, “How DARE you call yourself a feminist when you haven’t done ANY anti-female-genital-mutilation tweets in the past month! You’re just a white supremacist!!!”


Maybe an additional good side-effect is that, if someone is really off-the-charts pure, and they THINK “Well, most people from My Group secretly agree with me – my 10 online friends all say so! –they agree with us but they’re too scared of The Man to say so! That’s why they need a Vanguard of people to lead them to the CorrectThinking!” . . . maybe joining this social network and finding out that they have zero friends within 100 miles will be a reality check. Then they search for , say, more moderate groups (on the same issue) in their area and find like 500 people. And then they’re like, “Hmm. Either everyone is more brainwashed than I thought, or my constant purity-testing of those around me is actually hurting my ability to accomplish anything.”


Who am I kidding? They’ll decide everyone is just brainwashed.  But still, having those people NOT at your meetings is STILL an improvement!


It could be a nice fiction story – some activist hackers putting together this kind of social networking site in order to make it easier to do demonstrations, but in the end it turns out that the real impact of their site was NOT making more demos, the real impact was getting rid of ideologies, and ‘theories’ , and bullshit assumptions, and replacing them with individual issues, and down-to-earth policy changes. Like in the best case scenario, in the future, instead of people trying to pigeon-hole themselves into the top 3 or 4 ideologies, an then being super mad that their group didn’t totally agree with them, . . . everyone would have totally random lists of issues with elaborate fantastical personal ideologies that tied together these random positions. and people might even compete to have the most elaborate or weird – although internally consistent – rationalizations.


Just like the online game above!

1 comment


Hey look! someone who shares one or two of my views! Yaaay!!!! I’m going to thoughtlessly assume that they share ALL my views, and then get confused and angry when I find out they do not! the back-stabbers! Just like the last 1,000 times that happened! clearly the problem is all the other people! how dare they not fit into my ideological pigeonholes!

is this   common bullshit situation a  byproduct of the internet age?
and, if it IS a new thing, is it just american?  Or  all over?
Or is it a human instinct since caveperson times, and I’m just noticing it now?

(the feeling of betrayal or frustration is not just that the person disagrees with you about this-and-that; I’d say mostly the anger is a subconscious fear that one’s personal classification system is inadequate, and blaming the other person for THAT).

often this stupid anger results from the super disloyal fact that the other person shares SOME of your identity-groups but not all (i.e. the ‘hastag white feminism’ brouhaha)

. . . but just as often it results from the other person’s ideology being a product of an Old Time; i.e. their ideology was made before your personal ideological pigeon-holes even existed, so of course it doesn’t fit neatly in the ‘my group’ or ‘enemy group’ slots.

Let me back up; I happen to think that all ideologies (well, all except YOURS) don’t have ANY ‘first principles’, even though they SAY they do. actually ideologies are historical accidents; everyone’s label (i.e. conservative/feminist/progressive/[insert name of religion]) is a hodge-podge of random beliefs (this is forbidden, that is compulsory, this other thing everyone does but should feel ashamed of anyway, etc.) , mostly grabbed because at some point in the distant past, ‘the other team’ grabbed belief “A” and your group (at the time) reflexively grabbed the ‘opposite’ position. In other words, ideologies are like English spelling and grammar – full of exceptions and weird contradictions, because, history. Like how English is a mongrel language made of half-dozen random contradictory European languages put into a blender, and that’s why it’s hard to learn. How do you explain to an ESL student that the vowel ‘a’ has four different sounds, depending on the word, because Ostrogoths and Ancient Greeks disagreed about how to pronounce it, and ancient Brits never bothered to choose one or the other? And how would that explanation even help them if they DID understand it?

Anyway, we inherit a bunch of random contradictory beliefs, call it an ideology and WORK BACKWARDS to rationalize some logical first principle (always weird abstract things like ‘freedom’ or ‘honor’ that can basically be stretched to cover any plank) that connects them.

Furthermore, I think you join the first group that would HAVE you, because you’re a social animal, and then work backwards to rationalize why this group is superior to all others. Of course , segregation (both economic, relgious, and racial) is beloved by leaders, because the more segregated you are the less likely you are to think outside the group you were born into, so ‘the first group that will have you’ is basically your family and determines your ideology from birth  until you die.

So NOW we can discuss this funny phenomenon that is in the newspapers a lot recently because of the Pope’s visit to USA;

P. Francis is anti-capitalism and anti-climate-change, but also anti-gays, anti-women, and anti-abortion. this makes americans fip the fuck out, because we’ve been raised in an environment where (anti-capitalism=pro-abortion) for example, or (pro-climate-change=anti-gay) EVEN THOUGH THOSE POSITIONS HAVE FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. we try to fit the catholic chruch’s 1800-year-old square peg into the round holes of (repub vs democrat vs PC), but it doesn’t fit because NONE of those ideologies (R,D, PC) were even AROUND when the Church was making its ideology. when i explain it like that, it’s common sense that the Church doesn’t fit.

But what is NOT common sense, is how we get MAD at the square peg of church doctrine for not fitting into our round holes. like it’s THEIR fault. Sure, ANY INDIVIDUAL PLANK IN THEIR PLATFORM is their fault . . . but it’s NOT their fault that ALL their positions don’t fall neatly in the R/D/PC holes. regardless of which group YOU belong to, the “Pope not fitting entirely inside OR outside your ideological box” problem is a weakness of YOUR pigeon-hole system, not the pope, you Jarboni. Thus, Americans on ALL ideological sides unite in complaining “How DARE you Catholic clergy not consult American political activists 1,800 years in the future when you made up your platform!”. assholes.

Other things like that;

Ancient Sparta; ; if you turn Spartan society one way, it looks like a perfect democracy that treats all citizens equally, where everyone has much more of a say than they do now. If you tilt it just a little bit, it looks like some crazy eugenic fascist paradise. that’s not sparta’s fault for being contradictory or weird, it’s becuase YOUR mind is full of weird assumptions that “if you believe xxx , then you have to believe yyy too.”

Populism; For example, Texan Representative and Speaker of the House during the FDR times, Sam Rayburn. Rayburn was like from the poorest classes of society, and hated 2 things; 1) rich, east-coast bankers/railroad monopolies, and 2) how the african-americans weren’t slaves anymore. According to Robert Caro’s wonderful LBJ biography, Rayburn’s office only had pictures of 2 people; FDR and Robert E. Lee. So in today’s terms, that would put him to the left of Bernie Sanders AND to the right of Trump. Again, it IS his fault for being a racist little fucker, but it’s OUR fault for assuming “anti big bank = anti racism” or “anti-black = pro-big-biz”. From HIS point of view, the Union side of the Civil War was financed by East Coast Bankers, AND the same bankers that were foreclosing on white texan farmers in the 1930s and 40s, so even though his views are kind of repellant, they DO have more of an INTERNAL consistency than today’s politics.

old-school Greek sexual identity; has elements of straight culture, elements of being gay, but again, doesn’t slot neatly into either compartment. Even if you asked an ancient Greek if he was gay, while he was in the process of butt-fuckin’ a 14-year-old boy, he’d be like, “no, of course not. I’m not Gay in the sense of little shorts and house music and Margaret Cho and knowing about designers, and all the other cultural baggage that seems to go along with butt-fuckin’ in your craaaazy future world. I got a wife, and 3 kids, and right now I’m just doing my (grunt) social duty to (grunt!) train this young man in our society’s ways. Later I will teach him an artisinal or military trade, but for now, it’s butt-fuckin’. ” Don’t get mad, PC police – I’m quoting what my (David Sedaris On Helium-Sounding-Ass) Gay Studies teacher said on the first day of class, back in the ACT-UP 80s. That dude was really smart, but I honestly couldn’t take the fingernails-on-blackboard adenoidal voice, so I dropped out, which makes me sad now.

also, for extra credit homework; how does Odious Feminism fit in your personal ideological pigeonholes? Historically, women from restrictive patriarchal households have found ethnic cleansing, or religious wars are very empowering! because, if they join the right hate-group, not only will they be allowed out of the kitchen, but they can rise up in the organization, and order the men around, which they would otherwise never be able to do. Asking “is this real feminism or false feminism?” is a total ignorant question, a way of slapping a one-word label on some complicated shit, instead of breaking the ‘ideology’ into its component beliefs and then analyzing the beliefs one by one.

two fast examples;

women of the klan!!!!!!!!!!!
jihadi feminism!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;

Put THAT in your intersectionality and smoke it.


second republican debate review


candidates in order of I could remember who they were.

Candidate; FIORINA
Resembles; CALLISTA GINGRITCH LM.D. vers.2.0
Demeanor; evil android

BEST RUNNING MATE;   The Old-Dirty-Bastard character from Orange Is The New Black.

Resembles; HAWKEYE in 10 years
Demeanor; sincere, practical, common-sense over ideology. But at the same time, everyone farmiliar with the vast world of X-rated Avengers fan-fiction knows that Hawkeye is BY FAR the guy that gets dominated by the other heroes. And he’s not even a power-bottom, he’s usually a rape victim. Show me ONE doujin where Hawkeye penetrates. I’m just saying, if other world leaders are as obsessed with x-rated Avengers fanfiction (I’m saying ‘if’, but clearly that is the case, especially Putin and Netenyahu), then they will NEVER be able to take Kunidfh seriously.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  Tony Stark.  They’d have this whole cheny/dubya thing going on.


Candidate; CARSON
Resembles; HANNIBAL BURRESS in 10 years. The sleepy eyes, laid-back speaking style, even the weird speech impediment.
Demeanor; high AF
i thought his style was like “I’m a doctor so I’m smarter than a regular politician!” but actually his shit was incoherent and – just like a regular pol – he didn’t even take strong positions on things. So what is he doing there?

BEST RUNNING MATE;   Eric Andre seems almost too obvious, maybe go with someone that would make Carson seem hyphy in comparison.  That’s it;   CARSON/ INANIMATE CARBON ROD 2016.


Candidate; JEB
Resembles; THAT ONE GHOSTBUSTER I don’t know his name because I hate ghostbusters. Full disclosure; also hate Porkys, Back to the future, and all the other movies that amounted to a ‘sad little coming of age ritual’ for my generation. Really wanted him to take out a magical vaccuum from his ghost-busting-backpack unit and attempt to suck Trump into it, but of course that doesn’t work in real life, and there would be this awkward silence afterwards.
Demeanor; “My mom is making me do this because 2 Bushes in the white house is not enough for her, and I’m scared of her. I know I’m going to lose and be humiliated, but have YOU tried saying no to Mom?”



Candidate; TRUMP
Resembles; JOHN STEWART. I know it’s an old joke but I have not seen the real Trump speak since the ’80s, so yeah, Stewart is my only reference point -for the same reason that I assume that pop songs are just covers of Weird Al songs which I haven’t had the privilege of hearing yet. I was like, “Man this guy’s Stewart is dead-on. But why is he doing that? Stewart isn’t even that popular with Republicans.”
Demeanor; trump
Said; trump stuff. It’s amazing watching him speak to official, respected politicians as if they are contestants on his reality show. Again, I’ve heard people say that a lot, but seeing it in RL is amazing.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  Gene Simmons (But then Simmons would later defect and start his own party with Nicky Minage with the slogan IF YOU’RE GONNA ELECT A BULLY, DO IT RIGHT)


Resembles; GIANT ORANGE LEFT ON HOT SIDEWALK FOR EXCESSIVE PERIOD OF TIME. “If elected president, I will save taxpayer money by letting my cabinet dwell in my giant faical pores, from which they will pop up when i need adivce, like human wak-a-moles.”
Demeanor; Almost Trump. What’s amazing is not so much that Trump managed to get popular being an ‘anti-politician’ , but that Christie has made a career being a mainstream pol WHILE BASICALLY ACTING LIKE ‘TRUMP LITE’ the whole time. Dude is great at seeming like a ‘regular guy’ and very spontaneous, while at the same time saying policies that will screw actual ‘regular guys’. He’s good at ACTUAL spontaneous come-backs, but oddly, when he slips in some pre-written zingers, he absolutely CAN’T make them sound spontaneous -they always come off as fake and rehearsed. That being said, though, whoever he has writing his zingers is way better than anyone else’s zinger-writer. Frankly that person is being wasted on Christie.

BEST RUNNING MATE;    Al Pacino in fat-suit  (playing the role of his life as Michael Moore)



Candidate; WALKER
Resembles; GENERIC WHITE DAD L.M.D. No, wait, SYRIA’S ASSAD. the lack of chin, the too-close eyes, the super-soft-looking-yet-actually-inhumanly-vicious resume. Assad would definitely play Walker in the movie. Assuming he’s not decapitated. (Assuming WHO is not decapitated? Walker? Assad?) (Either)
Demeanor; bloodless and ideologically driven. Not only can he not do the ‘regular guy’ thing, but he seems genuinely uninterested in how his policies even affect regular people – his attitude seems to be, “LOOK, MY ECONOMIC THEORIES ARE SOUND. IF THEY DON’T WORK IN REAL LIFE, THAT’S FUCKING REAL LIFE’S PROBLEM.” And you know who ELSE puts ideology above real-world stuff? Communists. Communists and fundamentalists. AND unlike Huckabee or Cruz, he can’t even make his crazy be entertaining. He’s cra-boring. Bor-zy. You can’t even hate him properly because he’s such a little grey smear of a man.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  anyone slow enough that he could catch them and force them to stand next to him for the next year.  So . . . maybe Christie?


Candidate; PAUL
Demeanor; It doesn’t matter that his answers were some of the most intelligent and fact-based of anyone; he could rattle off the most coherent, technically detailed, lucid analysis of a policy problem,utterly devoid of empty rhetoric . . . as soon as he finishes talking, a small voice in my head yells out TEN POINTS GRYFFINDOR!! Honestly some other candidate should pay someone in the crowd to literally yell that. Also he needs to capitalize on Straight Outta Compton by growing out the back of his Jheri-curl and wearing Locs. Maybe a black hat with custom Olde English writing that spells out FREEMARKET.

BEST RUNNING MATE;  a no-brainer; Gimli/Cube


Actually, fuck that.  GIMLI/CUBE 2016

(dead serious, not made up)


Candidate; RUBIO
Resembles; DONNY OSMOND!!! There is a special feeling when you have been looking at someone for literally hours thinking you have seen them before somewhere, and then it hits you like a tubesock full of nails, and you know that’s EXACTLY who they look like. Tonight I got this special feeling from Carson and Kunich, but Rubio most of all.

BEST RUNNING MATE;    Romney.  Who, besides his natural charisma,  could initiate Rubio into the mysteries of the Mormon clan prior to his final Osmondification ritual.


Candidate; HUCKABEE
Demeanor; kind and sincere and utterly batshit.



Candidate; CRUZ
Resembles; MIKE NESS with more eyeliner. Really wanted him to point at other candidates and tell them that he just wanted to “give you the creeps, the . . .creeps, the . . .. creeeeps, yah-yah-na-haaaaaaah.”
Demeanor; I’ve only read his crazy on the internet – so I’d assumed that he’d be yelling and flapping his arms, but seeing him say his crazy with a very calm voice was fucking chilling. As if it was the most natural thing in the world to say crazy.

BEST RUNNING MATE;   Fuck if I know.  Mike Muir would be a good choice to leverage Cruz’s LA Punk connections that I just made up into a robust foreign policy (if your Veep is really suicidal and controls nuclear launch codes, you can bet nobody is going to assassinate you!) but maybe a better bet is to stick with the Texas connection and go with Gibby.  GIBBY/CRUZ 2016! slogan ‘SLOWLY SLOWLY THE QE2 LUXURY LINER EVOLVED OUT OF JOHN’S LEFT THIGH . . . FOR AMERICA!’


I’m not going to waste time complaining about, “But that statement was a terrible idea or factually wrong!” Just assume unless otherwise stated that everyone was wrong and lying.

The main impression I got was the huge gulf between the horrible, disasterious-for-the-country things they said and the sympathetic, caring-about-the-little-guy WAY they said those things. I mean I know that’s part of how the game is played, but actualy seeing it in action is a mind-blower.
Other main impression; Christie and Trump and Fiorina seem to be good at responding spontaneously, but there’s no empathy. Huckabee and Kunidch are much scarier because when THEY talk, they seem genuinely emotionally concerned for America’s welfare and the welfare of average people (some other candidates, notably Christie, talked about ‘working families’ , but it seemed fake and pandery so I’ll leave them out). The scary thing is that the policies that Kucnish and Huckabee want are fucked and will make things worse for those very families, raising the question of, are they out of their minds or just the most cynical of the bunch?

(most of the other candidates just spew cliches while buying time to think of a response – particularly walker and rubio you can kind of see the wheels turning in their little brains while their mouth just poots out whatever, and if you’re lucky by the last 5 seconds of their allotted time they’ll respond to the question. They should have made it OK to just mumble REAGANREAGANREAGANREAGANREAGAN until the candidate thought of an answer.)

BRINGING THE CRAZY; Cruz and Huckabee. But Cruz’s crazy seemed rehearsed and purely ideological, but Huckabee’s crazy seemed to come, as I said, from a deep emotional place – as if he genuinely believes that a theological crazy-state is our only hope.

WINNER; Huckabee by a mile. Of course The Man gave him the least screen time, which I call bullshit. Every time dude was on, he said the most interesting shit in the most sincere way.
LOSERS; Rubio and Walker. Both guys talked way too much, and were not just wrong but SO.BORING. Bo-wrong. Wronging?

SCARIEST; Fiorina, Cruz.

SMARTEST; Paul, Fiorina, Kudnich


DID ANYONE EVEN MENTION ANY ALLIES BESIDES ISRAEL? My general impression was that the whole world was just enemies, terrorists, and anti-American dickwads besides Israel. Like I am imagining every GOP candidate teaching a 5th grade geography class; “OK here’s Murkuh, Here’s Is-roy-el, and then. . .. eh.”

WHY are pundits saying Fiorina ‘won’?


I mean besides the fact that pundits are by definition Beavis and Butthead for adults, pre-watching our TV for us and then muttering over it?


We’re not voting for Most Likely To Frost Donald Trump. We’re not voting for Most Gratuitious Uses Of The Word “Festering” In A Debate In History, we’re voting for President. And who wants a psycho android of ANY gender as POTUS?!?


I mean, she’s all like, “Vote for me I’m a businessperson!” Mental exercise; imagine you are CEO Fiorina’s new secretary coming to work for the first day and walking into her office and having her just stare at you with her cold dead eyes and paper-cut mouth. Admit it- you’d pee yourself. She’s exactly the type of mean boss you DON’T want to work for.


And I know that women both in business and politics face this fucked-up double-bind where if you are at all emotional you get slammed as hysterical or PMS, but if you don’t show emotion you’re a frigid bitch. But still – everyone has had female bosses that negotiated that contradiction while being orders of magnitude less scary. Plus to be fair, the media has certainly jumped on MALE candidates for being too emotional – especially Trump and Christie, and with good reason.

MOST ROBOTIC; Fiorina, Carson, Walker, and. . . Trump? Trump gets a special mention here because I swear there are tiny drones hovering right outside the camera frame, with tiny invisible wires holding up the outside corners of his eyes, which makes him part robot.
* the way everyone strenuously dry-humped their podium while answering the question about Reagan. You couldn’t see it because it was out of the frame, but you could clearly hear the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of hips pounding the false wood veneer.

* Fiorina and Trump’s mutual dirty-laundry air-out battle  was pretty jaw-dropping. Haven’t seen shit like that since the time the Italian porn star divorced the world’s sleaziest artist/con-man.

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If It Ain’t Too Early For Election News Bullshit, Then It Ain’t Too Early For Facaetious Bumper Stickers



“Do The Math Bitches!
All Basic Motherfuckers Better Duck”

“You Are Not Prepared For This Administration”


“The Huh? Whaaa? Party”


BERNIE / LEMMY 2016!!!
*a vote for us is a vote for our immortality vats*


“the .mpeg stays offline until I get elected!”


“ditto, but vice versa”


“throwback ‘golden-age’ white beefs”


“bringing back OUR culture”


“the half-green, all-mean party”


A Vote For Us Is A Vote For EEIGHGUASHUUHHHHoooooo


“Everything Is Explained In Our Van-I-Festo”


WARREN/DMX 2016!!!
“The Great Depression”

TRUMP/SIMMONS ~~Richard(_) Gene(_) Russell (_) *check one* 2016!!!!!
 "But Probably Gene, Let's Face It"
1 comment

need some help!

First, good news;  Kanjidamage now has official Anki cards, courtesy of a user named miwuc.


Thanks, miwuc!


Bad news is, I’m stuck in a damn vicious circle.  Nobody comes to this site anymore, which diminishes my incentive to post, which causes people not to come. But also, more imortantly;  i’m now up against all of social media.

So that explains why I’m not posting.


The OTHER  good news is, I have hundreds of new posts written, enough to fill a book, or half a book if you just count the good stuff.   Everything from dead-serious politics to fiction, jokes, lists, fake bands, imaginary tv shows, skits, and so many many many descriptions of anthropology experiments I’d like to conduct if I were an eccentric millionaire.

But – and this is where you people come in – what the fuck should I DO with it?

Start a new wordpress which even fewer people will read?

Post everything on Facebook and then spend an hour a day ‘liking’ dumb peoples’  updates about their Starbucks or their kids or whatever, hoping they’ll ‘like’ my posts back?

Send emails to semi-famous left-wing authors that I have never met, urging them to read and promote me?  (Dear Naomi Fucking Klein, I am your biggest fan! I’m sure you hear that all the time, but in my case it’s the truth! Just like your books! Now that I’ve checked out YOUR books. . .)

Tap into some existing community or online network of users that routinely reads / comments on each others’ blogs?

To me that seems the most plausable!

But where is there a community for people into Peak Oil politics…

AND Slayer jokes…

AND   5,000-word analyses of fictional musical subcultures….

AND  Pynchonesque conspiracy theories based on the cryptic memorial inscriptions of park benches….

AND like seriously over a thousand fake names for fictional characters (for example; Mallomar Curvature, P.I., Duuche Finkubus, Flab Gander, Gunter Fembott, DelMar Multiple-Hyena)…
AND  long serious essays about the  blind spots in human cognition . . .

AND  absurd one-liners like ” . . . as you leave a store where you were a polite customer, give a real mean glare to the first  person you see outside and tell’em,  “You didn’t see NOTHING!””

To me the diversity of my material is the strength but in today’s micro-targeted user-demographic search-engine-algorythm age, the diversity is a fucking liability.


I’m convinced, though, there ARE some readers out there who are just as pissed off and random as I am that WOULD like to read some shit like that.  You yourself are evidence of this.   So how to  get “hits”, as they used to say in the 90s?


(I realize that this is a fairly common problem in this day and age, and obviously nobody’s solved it otherwise the solution would itself be ‘the next facebook’ with all the problems that come with THAT .  . . .)

That said, I’m not expecting to make any money or get like a million hits or be some Huffpo columnist.  If I could get back to where THIS site was 10 years ago, I’d be happy. That’s what makes me think this goal is do-able.


Leave suggestions in the comments, or email me if you know my shit, Osbourne Cox.









exhausting bars, new rap album


This collects all my dad-rap from the past 3 years.  It’s divided into two halves;  the ignorant half and then the smart half.  See if you can tell which is which.

go to the bandcamp page for all the lyrics! Here is just a small sample;;

your heart is black with rage and pain
your music is wack like Dave Mustaine
wrecking your brain with oxycontin
fucked up your teeth like Jhonny Rotten
i ain’t forgotten about Joey Ramone
between him and Sean MacGowan they got one molar
your brother’s a hore, like David Lee Roth
motherfuckers can’t see me like Jimmy Hoffa
like John Maclaughlin my style’s baffling, like
a world where ‘hobbit’ and ‘halflings’ are antonyms.
wanna battle him? wanna slather him with demi glace?
your mama’s fanny graced with more moles than Lemmy’s face
yo in any case, it’s remarked that you’re a whore’s son
noshing on your vomit not unlike Jim Morrison
i swear on Mi Corazon, i’m sick of your yik-yak!
go ask Jayne County where your dick at
with a thick stack of Pitbull / Mike Vic slash fic
for a quick jack to the sick acts
i ain’t dig that, (BDP: ‘that’s wick wack!’),
motherfucker git back before i click-clack
you’re about to have a mishap
it’s behavior such as this that
makes you the object lesson of many a Chick Tract.



1 comment

it’s great to post these everywhere

some text

some text

1 comment

links to older posts you never read

if you think i’m in bad taste NOW, just read these rants from 2009-10



Tell me half of that  Parents-and-children rant isn’t already coming true!


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New Rapping Lyrics; M.D.C. (More Dead Celebrities)

still finishing the music but for now here’s just the lyrics.


your heart is black with rage and pain
your music is wack like Dave Mustaine
wrecking your brain with oxycontin
fucked up your teeth like Jhonny Rotten
i ain’t forgotten about Joey Ramone
between him and Sean MacGowan they got one molar
your brother’s a whore, like David Lee Roth
motherfuckers can’t see me like Jimmy Hoffa
like John Maclaughlin my style’s baffling, like
a world where ‘hobbit’ and ‘halflings’ are antonyms.
wanna battle him? wanna slather him with demi glace?
your mama’s fanny graced with more moles than Lemmy’s face!!
yo in any case, it’s remarked that you’re a whore’s son
chewing your vomit not unlike Jim Morrison
i swear on Mi Corazon, i’m sick of your yik-yak!
go ask Jayne County where your dick at
with a thick stack of Pitbull / Mike Vic slash fic
for a quick jack to the sick acts
i ain’t dig that, (BDP: ‘that’s wick wack!’),
motherfucker git back before i click-clack
you’re about to have a mishap
it’s behavior such as this that
makes you the object lesson of many a Chick Tract.
consider a tic-tac, your breath makes me nervous
i know you ain’t smell like Big Lurch on purpose
Odor like you had thirds-of orangutan po’boys
your deviated septum is quite David Bovoid
your shape is ovoid like the Loaf of Meat
the Buffy of gnocchi you can not un-eat
history is replete with lessons of woe,
your story is worse than Kevin DuBrow
just lettin’ you know , you blow like a homecomiING queen
catch a dick in your neck like Bruce Springsteen
((*steve albini voice* really, right in the side of the neck, it just came out of nowhere. . . . like some PUD BLOWPIPE was in effect))

in your dreams i bring-scenes of doom like a harbinger
starvin ya to death like uh Karen Carpenter.  Fuck a viral
marketer, go market Ebola, ya fad pimp!
fuck white power too ; i pummel skins like Abaddon
insane like Aladdin, your pain gives me a sad-on
ladies don’t love me but i don’t have to keep my hat on.
go eat fifteen asses, eat around about ten dicks
i’ll set you on fire like  take a wild guess, Sherlock.
rupture your appendix with a fossilized gopher
your self esteem’s just a fantasy like Aldo Nova
i cross over like Run-D. and Aerosmith
a cross between carelessness and total embarassment
unlike Kyle from Incantation you got a hairless lip
all the fads and the brands, i’m on the couldn’t-care-less-tip
in all fairness, bitch, the point is moot
instamatic Nirvana, just point and shoot
wear a haz-mat suit when you see-mee-whylin’
i’m side-arming that dook like . . . uhh .. .

(aw, fuck! who’s an old rocker who’s known to side-arm a deuce AND rhymes with see-me-whylin’?)

(Oh yeah! So obvious! Here we go )

. . . .  like P. D. Collins!

arcing pee-pee at Rollins and lackadasically fling
a string of semisolid sharts at the hated Sting
that’s one of the things you can call a ‘malice pooper’
as you swap codpieces with whom? (Alice Cooper)
you’re in it for lucre, you:re much inferior
not fit to lick the winklepickers of Lux Interior
you:re stuck on your period, whiny and bitchy
with a scrotum tattoo reading ‘Lionel Ritchie’?!?!
i:m fly and i:m spiffy like a young Adam Ant
i ain:t exposin myself officer these are ‘phantom pants’
you don:t stand a chance against a wendigo illin
with chainsaws for hands like WENDY O. WILLIAMS
you:re found dead in a building, it:s new and collapsing
me and Blixa Barge-field (sic) here to ruin your rapping
you knew it would happen you ain’t need Dionne Warwick
but you had to keep on talking that ignorant horse-shit
go stack in a tar-pit, ollie into some high-beams
two fingers up yours!!! just like Poly Styrene
probably visene will get your eyes back to normal
i’m not Snoop Lion i’m not a member of NORML
what IS this thing, ‘normal’? can you explain to me , Diddy?
is it looking for your chin and finding only pity?
treat the sophomore slump like it was the olympics
skip ‘iffy’, passs ‘shifty’ in a jiffy, and go straight to ‘shitty’
but on this mission you got stiff competition
like Discharge, the Meatmen, oh my God Bad Religion
“Into the Uknown” was not a rad decision
you know I ain’t missing, the annoying Die Kreuzen
can you be more dissapointing than Cypress Hill?
they fell off so fast it suprises me still!
like Schooly D, these rockers make me violently ill
manson shoulda ODed, why’d they siphon them pills?
yo i got the bomb ready to turn Tom Petty into
human confetti even your mom lately thinks there’s
something wrong with me, mas loco que el narcos.
fuck an embargo, the sanctions is Fargo
wood chipper spewing blood all over the yard snow
Huff-po right column saying WHERE’D THAT POP STAR GO? not to be
harsh though; i behead enemies! boycott my
band and scab myself like a one-man Dead Kennedys
i:m bent mentally, that’s word to George Michael
but more likeable, volunteer to sort recyclables!
picking up a rubik’s cube with a pooper scoop wearing
nothing but a jewler’s loupe riding an orange tricycle
while reading a forged encyclical from “pope” Knuckles the First
saying gays can get married (except you and Fred Durst)
i’m sorry you’re cursed to never be me-at-all
i never got beat on by Paul-y Shore at an Encino mall
you called realdoll and ordered a ‘flesh gandam’
i get HEAD! BAND! HEAD! , which is word to Seth Putnam
if they miss the ref, fuck’em, this ain’t meant for squares
who don’t know the sample should be, “head! band! HAIR!!!”
and it’s less than fair that money don’t make you baddest
your fame is ephemeral, just like your flattus
do i want all your status? shit no , screw all of this
plus your momma is a model for crypto-zooologists
ain’t no shinto apologist; the Emperor is a schmendrick
i keep my noggin Nina Hagen-level eccentric
freaky rockin authentic, don’t fuck with a gimmick
i’m just conducting this muscular butt-kicking clinic
mop you up in a minute, they call you the fall guy
’cause you got locked in a scrimmage with Popeye while he’s sucking his spinach
i admit it i’m vicious, I spit it
like the junkie bass player whose christian name ‘Sid’ is.
i’m as fit as your mistress, ice cream by the bucket
your marriage, don’t annul it  ’til you lap-band that gullet
you got a skullet cause your barber is Devin Townsend
it’s plenty arousin’, when the font end is moltin’
word to your three-way with Chronos and Bolton
it’s kind of revolting when you gape every orifice
now the Feds on your tail you’re like Waco..notorious!
can’t be certain what’s faker, your ass OR your tits
you should murder your surgeon like Jaco.. Pastorious
6 million boring discs, you sold 5 million downloads
4 roadies take your 3 inches on the down-low
your condom is a clown nose, balls like 2 rotten chickpeas,
your rider specifies 1.5 liters of dick-cheese
with a nondisclosure clause that’s permanent
i bathe in 1 tub of your blood just like Hermann Nitsch
zero permission slips, which is eqivalent to the
amount of my given shits ; negative macking hoes,
i couldn’t pull Anne Wilson even with a vaccum hose because i’m
not Axl Rose or even Billy Joel
but i’ll go Atilla on that ass like Cube (‘really doe!’)
motherfucker i’m swole, i’m ripped, I’m ‘cock Danzig’
plus my “cave-porn” name is Rock Manbig,
AKA Doc Samson with my green wig on
Gamma Knucks to your forehead, now your kids call you Klingon

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curmudgeon with a bludgeon song titles part iv

150 Fuck, I Like Ska Now
151 Oh No I Spent All My Tattoo Money On Soap ((Again) What NOW???)
152 Sleeve Tattoo Soccer Mom Vs. Clean-Cut But Rebellious Hot Rod Dad (There Can Be No Winner)
153 John Zorn: The Grind Bernie Madhoff
154 Society Should Pay For My Boner Extension (I’m A Horse-Cock Trans-Man Trapped In The Body Of A Regular-Dick Man (Hashtag Human Rights Exclamation Point (Hashtag Surgeon Retires To Cayman Islands))
155 Actually Writing Songs Is For Suckers (How The Man Keeps Musicians Too Busy To Overthrow Shit)
156 Karen Finley Was Jesse Helms’ Art Project (Yam Shoved In The Matrix)
157 Seriously Jewish Philanthropic Foundation, I Need 30,000 Dubloons To Finish My Unwatchable Art Project About Our Proud Cultural Heritage
158 Can I See Your Guns And Roses Cover Band Some Other Time? (Heat Death Of Universe Ensues)
159 You Ghost Wrote At Least 3 A.C. Albums
160 Diatoms Can Suck My Dick
161 Won’t You Wear A Ribbon For Uneven Moustache Growth Survivors Syndrome?
162 Oh, You Mean . . . UMGSuS???
163 So You Thought You Could Perv Out On My Pee-Style?!?
164 I Have To Make An Appointment To Make An Appointment
165 The First Appointment Is Delayed Until After The Second Appointment Deadline Expires
166 So Fuckin’ Gangsta Just Lying In Bed (Because Everything I Own Was Made By Sweatshops And Unhuman Conditions)
167 Refried Beans Are Uncomfortable To Look At
168 Puberty Is Racist
169 (Never Make Someone Listen To (Or Be Aware Of )) Ouds
170 Guiro Vs. Cuica IV: The Ultimate Enscrapetion
171 Struggle Against And Repudiate Solos! All Power To The Rythm Sectionariat!
172 ‘Annie Hall Hat’ Full Of Golden Retriever Entrails
173 Passport Encrusted In Hippo Phlegm (Still Legal (Try It))
174 1mm Of Exposed White Toenail Feels LIke Giant Glacial Ice-Sheet Just Waiting To Be Hacked With Miniature Pickaxes (Obsessive Disgusting Toenail Picker In The House)
175 Diatoms Can REALLY Suck My Dick
176 Worldwide Total Obliteration Of Something
177 Why Otherwise Savvy Music Freaks Defend The Wiener Enlimpening Softrock Of The Minutemen Is Beyond Me!
178 Music Notation Is Piano-Centric And Wholly Irrational, Therefore Fuck It. Or Something Along Those LInes.
AKA Music Notation That Only Makes Sense On Piano (And Even Then Only In The Key Of ‘C’), Sure, Let’s Use That System Exclusively For A Thousand Years
179 I Know You Had A Hard Life, Morbidly Obese Grandma, But Control Your Kid On The Playground Or I Will Cut Off Your Arm-Flaps And Subsequently Sew Him Into A Coccoon Of Them From Which He Will Not Emerge
180 DICK NO I Will Not, Should I “Happen To Find” Your Escaped Pit Bull, Hold Onto Him Until You Come Back This Way (You Absurd Redneck)
181 Good Lord Do I Not Care If Bruce Jenner Is A Woman, If He’s A Gunny-Sac Full O’ Defective Shell-Toe Addidas, Or If He’s Now The Vast, Vast Steppes Of Central Asia Somehow.
182 Ditto A Mind-Flayer
183 Tonight On Head-On Collision Theatre; Air Force One Vs. All Lexii Simultaneously (The Winner Is Who Cares, I Just Want To See It In Slow Motion)
184 Ralph Nader Regulated Your Mom (With His Penis AND Federal Bureaucracy (Not Necessairly In That Order))
185 Sheldon Adelson Is The Best Joke Jackie Mason Ever Pulled (Seriously Have You Ever Seen Them In A Room At The Same Time? Mister? No One Has, That’s Who.)
186 Fucking Clogs
187 187 . . . . On An Undercover Clog
188 Brian Wilson Is Such A Tormented Genius (So Let’s All Abuse Our Kids)
189 The Rudest Canadians (Oh My God Are Geese Not Utter Asswads?)
191 This Leisure Sheet Is Barb Encrusted
192 Eff Your Head-To-Toe Hobby-Specific Garb
193 If Your Song Title Is Like ‘The Blahblahblah Song’, Kill Yourself With Wire
194 Am I The Only One Who Still Remembers How Repugnant The Term ‘Lifestyle’ Is????
195 The Last Time I Saw Something As Unfunny As Stephen Colbert It Was A Woman
196 Hashtag Something Ha Ha Comedy Gold Because Hashtag
Lenny Bruce Isnt Funny Because He Didn’t Have Hashtags
197 It Doesn’t Symbolize Hate, It Symbolizes A Heritage Of Hate (Those Are Two Different Things Because .. . .Because Fuck You, Quinoa-Knowing-What-Is Book-Reader)
198 Ass. (That Is All)
199 It’s Only ‘Real Literature’ If It’s About White Collar Families Being Super Sad And Divorcing (Anything With Diversity, Humor, Satire, Or Overt Politics Is Simply Not Art (And Don’t Get Me Started About Endings That Actually Resolve))
200 So Sick Of This Band (And I Haven’t Even Written Any Songs Yet)

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bureaucracy is holistic.

we tend to think of bureaucracy as the opposite of nature, and ‘holistic’ as a word used by people named STARFLOWER instead of people like ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF STAFFING,  MUNICIPAL  RESOURCE ACQUISITION        DEPARTMENT, but I’m here to tell you bureaucracy is holistic as fuck.  And that this is probably the WORST thing about it, the holism.

here’s an example from nature;  Australians had a problem with insects eating their sugarcane crops so they brought in an insect-eating toad from abroad, called the cane toad.  as long as the equation was limited to ‘toad vs. cane bugs’, it seemed like a perfect solution.  but in real life, there are more organisms than just toads and bugs, and all those organisms have some sort of relationship to each other. to disturb one relationship is to cause ripples throughout the whole system, which is my pedantic way of saying that the toads proceeded to eat everything on the continent, since they had no natural predators.  there’s a great scene in the CANE TOAD documentary of an aussie redneck in a jeep demonstrating the local method of pest control – swerving the jeep all over the road and trying to burst as many toads as he can, since the toads are literally occurring every 10 feet or so over the entire countryside.


same thing with biology – biology is nothing but an internal ecosystem, a bunch of  systems inside a creature that all rely on each other.   like the giraffe optic nerve. this is a good one to annoy the fuck out of creationists, and I know that’s low-hanging fruit, but bear with me.  the optic nerve loops under the collarbone. that might not be a big deal for a pitbull or a gerbil, both notoriously short-necked bastards, but as  the giraffe evolved its long neck, the optic nerve wound up being seriously twice the length of the fucking neck – from the eye down to the collarbone and then back up to the neck – a journey in some cases longer than the whole giraffe body.


so if god designed that creature why the fuck would he do that.  well the answer is clearly,  INTELLIGENT DESIGN WHILE HIGH, which means there is a play or short story waiting to be written about a conservative Christian  giraffe veterinarian who gets born-again as a militant Rastafarian because he followed his twisted ideology to its logical conclusion.  but now we are getting a bit far afield.  my point is,  giraffes are seeing things that happened like five minutes ago because their optic nerve is a mile long, so don’t assume they’re just stupid.  wait, no, my point is, why would evolution, which has produced such marvelous and well-designed things as  the chameleon tongue and the majestic great white shark produce something so inefficient as the giraffe optic nerve/

the answer is, of course, the giraffe can’t tell the rest of its body, hey, guys, do you mind shutting down for a few thousand years while I re-evolve my nerve from scratch/  no/ ok, well how about just the bones, you’re in the way bones. I love you but can I get you to turn to gelatin for a few hundred years while I decouple this optic nerve/

both bureaucracies and biological systems – including BOTH ecosystems AND the internal biology of jerks like giraffes – tend to build on top of what’s already there, often in silly or terrible ways – instead of tearing down the old no-longer-adaptive thing and installing a new, logical, efficient thing from scratch.  and why, question mark.  because even if  the thing you want to replace – whether it’s an optic nerve, a crop-eating pest,  or  the dmv,  even if if everyone agrees that that thing is bullshit and no one would have  designed it that way on purpose – that bad, old item is holistically connected to , say, a dozen other things that are still good, so it’s impossible to tear it out and start over without also interrupting the good systems.


Like for example, you can’t change the school bureaucracy to eliminate paperwork so that teachers can concentrate on teaching again.  Because a lot of that paperwork is being requested by OTHER institutions – child welfare services or whatever social welfare department is in charge of  the school lunch program, and of course a lot of the paperwork goes to the federal government to ensure that the federal money continues to pay for local schools. So if you stopped the paperwork, you’d run afoul of ALL of those OTHER institutions.


So your school reforms would be limited to what  the child welfare department , the school lunch department, the federal department of education etc. will accept.  In other words, reforms that are either non-existent or so confusing that the other bureaucracies couldn’t figure out what it meant in time to block it.


Which is why –whether in nature or society – the usual outcome is to simply build ANOTHER layer of bureaucracy ON TOP of the different, bickering institutions and departments, to help them cooperate better.  And of course that NEW layer of bureaucracy is even more idiotic.  Call this the CAMEL OPTIC NERVE theory.


And keep in mind that all those other bureacracies THEMSELVES are products of decades or centuries of just these kinds of compromises, layer after layer of new rules designed to fix old broken rules while still complying with the old broken rules enough to allow the existing system to keep functioning during the reform periods.


And THAT’s why so many rules and forms etc. seem meaningless contradictory or confusing.

So if you were to, say reform the DMV system, you’d face 3 obstacles;

1)       “Hey everyone with a car, would you mind not driving for a few years while we re-jigger this whatchamacallit?”

2)       Let’s say you somehow DID get everyone to stop driving until you built a new, efficient, common-sense DMV rulebook.  Let’s say the new system is SO friendly you don’t even need drivers’ liscences anymore.  The problem now is, drivers’ licences have  become enmeshed with many OTHER interdependent bureaucratic systems.  In other words, they don’t just function as “this kid can drive OK” stamps, they have come to function as a universal ID card.  So now you’d have to persuade banks, cops, and all the other institutions to go along with your new, common-sense DMV regulations.

3)  and that’s not counting the long-standing pattern of low-level beuraucrats  deliberately subverting reforms made by leaders, because, honestly, who likes unaccountable people far away with minimal real-world experience, arbitarilly loading us down with new rules and deciding how we should live our lives? Oh, wait.


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